"Ironically good life"

I stared at them. I was silent. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know how to react. All of them were like broken puzzle pieces, that I felt like was my fault I broke apart.

They were giving each other glares and it was tiring me. I sighed, I stood up, Felix kept his gaze locked on me. Like a protective dog.

“Felix- Everyone. Please.. Just stop it. Let’s just make dinner and get going on our way.” I didn’t want to involve myself. I didn’t want to do shit nor argue with anyone.

They sat separately. Daniele and Felix, Anna and Gilliard. And I sat alone. I ate, slowly, swallowing hard. I hated the taste of the food, the texture was rough and the image of the rat that we captured felt so disgusting to think about.

But just swallow and don't think. Food is food. The taste will dissapear sooner or later.

I swallowed the last bite. The meat of the rat felt rough and bitter on my tongue. It was meat, but it felt like eating rubber.

I felt shivers running down my body, it was cold. It was getting really cold. Felix approached me. He sat down, he was quiet.

"Hey." He said, I looked up from my cup, that my dirty fingers held.

"Oh. It's you." I looked down, shifting my gaze from his, ignoring his closure.

"Yep- It's.. Me." He sighed, leaning by the ruin of a wall that once stood there. Maybe a house, maybe something more. I had no idea how this city was like. But it was grand, it was probably really modern too.

I looked up. He gave me a small smile, I sighed.

"If you want to try and solve this argument, go ahead. I won't listen to you." I said, looking away again. He sighed. He just paused for a moment, nodding afterwards.

"Look- I'm sorry. I didn't wish to throw a fit. I just got-"

"Angry?" I looked back up at him. He sighed. He nodded. I sighed too and patted him on his shoulder.

"I forgive you." I said.

He smiled. He couldn't help but smile, but I didn't understand why he started smiling so suddenly.

What was he smiling about? What for?

"Sorry for the rat- I kinda.. Overcooked it." He chuckled, embarrassed. I put down the tissue and smiled.

"It tasted fine. Don't worry about it. Food is food." I smiled. It tasted like shit. Like every single time.

"It tastes like shit whatever way to make it. But you are correct. Food is food." He nodded. He took a bite out of his piece.

The only thing that made Felix him was how blunt he was. How honest, how adorable he was. Not adorable, but he was a blunt asshole if I were to be completely honest.

But those words never will come out of my mouth. They'll never be said in a high tone, never spoken.

Never revealed.

I was never good with telling others the truth. I always avoided it, taking a circle then another one, then another one around the topics that got my honest answers.

To be honest, I hated it. I hated to be honest, to be straightforward with people. Telling them how you truly felt about them was a big no-no.

More than a big no-no, it was a "I won't speak to you until we change topics" type of no-no.

It got worse overtime, as we had to learn to overcome difficulties and varieties of things that stood in our path. Like letting someone die, leaving someone in order to protect yourself, leaving your loved one to die.

It was all the most difficult choices a human could make. Such simple tasks, yet so hard to accomplish.

"Just do it! It won't cause danger!" Your brain screams when you stand in front of your difficulty.

But your guts tells you the other way around. That you should never leave them. Even how dangerous it could be.

He looked up at me. He waved his hand in front of my eyes, I snapped back into the reality from my own thoughts, back to facing the blunt asshole that was quite cool to have around.

"You okay?" He asked. I nodded. I took a bite out of my piece that was still left.

"Mm... Good." I smiled through my teeth, it tasted like rubber and soil mixed together. Or even worse.

"I know it's shit. Don't have to lie to me." He smiled, taking a last bite of his piece.

Carter's POV:

He looked at me. The other person looked at me with a sceptical look in his eyes, his arms crossed.

"I accept." I handed him the knife, he didn't look surprised even though he played it off as if he did. He gave me a side smile, his teeth were crooked, I wondered if he ever went on braces or if he gave up on it.

"Cool, cool. We'll go by dawn. Make sure you have things you want with you, alright?" He asked. I nodded. Oh I'll make sure I have the things I need.

Main ones will be a gun to your head, you lying bastard.

I smiled.

"Got it. I'll go now. See ya then." I waved, walking off.

I breathed out. The intense gazes of the other man felt scary. That man was different than Dimir. Dimir looked older and probably was, playing tough and smart with me, but he wasn't. From what I've heard Dimir was a lost little fawn who lost his mother on the way.

A fucking lamb for the slaughterhouse. Is that how they saw me as?

I sat on my bed. Dawn..

Till Dawn.

I wonder if the group of scavengers had left already. Or if they still wandered around the city.

Dimir told me that there were no raiders around. But what if that's false? What if some group of raiders lurk around, inside of an empty mall or two?

Fucking hell. It makes my stomach twist.

Makes me feel sick and ill about the fact that I might actually just be dead just for following two dumbasses who probably planned to kill me after using me.

But.. It's not a bad chance. I might find out about you. Where'd you go, how you're doing. And if they're treating you well and all.

I wish I could write a letter to you. But I don't even know your full name.

Alec.. Alec sounds like a shortage for Alexander. Such a pretty name.

Such a kind and pretty name. Just as the one who has it.

The person who carries the name.

I laid down. I looked through the holes of the patched up cealing, it was covered with planks of chipped wood. The wood wasn't a good colour, it was getting old and will need a replacement sooner or later.

This place was nothing like the Freaks clan. Nothing like it.

Veri, and others. Oh god, how much I miss them. Miss you all.

I sighed. I closed my eyes.

Just more time. More time to see you. Please.

For all I could've asked if I had the chance, I would've asked for even a 15 minute meeting with everyone. Everyone I've lost.

To tell them how strong I've gotten. How all the shit in my past just let me move forward even more.

How I might've fell in love with myself again. And how I realized I loved the value of life.

Isn't it funny? All of it in an apocalypse?

All of that good shit happening to me, in the world surroundings ever?

I smiled.

I covered my face with my palms. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks, and soaking the hard pillow. I managed it.

Shit. I managed it.

It's ironic.

How ironically good my life is.

So fuck you, Dimir. I'm not letting you. I'm not letting you kill me. Take the joy from me.

I'll let you drown in your own pain, but you won't pull me down with you.