Seventeen

Haven paused, her throat closing. She swallowed, her gaze following Clementine's. She pressed her lips together, running her hand through Clementine's hair, her hands beginning to tremble. She'd been waiting for Clementine to ask about her dad. She couldn't know that her father didn't love her. That he tried to kill her—kill them both.

Haven lightly cleared her throat. "Your daddy, he... he's gone. He doesn't really exist."

"Why not?" Clementine frowned, confused.

Haven chewed the inside of her cheek, desperately trying to control the flood of emotions that swept into her mind and turning her thoughts cloudy. She didn't like the idea of outright lying to her, but there was no way she could tell her the raw truth right now. "You know, kitten, there are some things that can't be explained. At least right now. I just... can't answer that question for you. Maybe when you're a little older, okay?"

Clementine's frown deepened. "How come I have to be older?"

Haven shrugged. "You just do."

"Oh. It's a secret?"

Haven smiled. "Yeah, it's a secret."

"When can I know?"

"How about when you're... fifteen?"

Clementine's jaw dropped. Haven may as well have said a hundred. Fifteen was practically ancient.

Haven bit her lip, trying to remember that far back in her own life. Clementine had just turned two months.

"That's too long!" Clementine groaned.

"No it's not! It'll go by fast."

"How 'bout when I'm five."

Haven shook her head. "No, fifteen."

Clementine sighed, though she relaxed into a grin. "Okay."

Haven took her hand as they stood up and continued down the street. "You know I love you, right?"

"Mm-hm." Clementine nodded.

"Enough for a mommy and a daddy."

Clementine laughed. "You can't be a daddy, you're a girl!"

Haven chuckled. "Ah, that's right. You're so smart. Come on, let's get home and we can show Sarah your new dress."

"Okay!"

They ended up stopping for lunch and by the time they arrived back at the inn, clouds had rolled in front of the sun again.

"Sarah! Look what I got!" Clementine cried, bursting through the front door and holding her bag. She darted through the foyer, which was thankfully empty, and into Sarah's office.

"Oh my goodness, look how pretty that is!" Sarah exclaimed. "I love it."

"Mommy got it for me, and—and look what I got her! Momma you have to close your eyes."

Haven nodded, glad Clementine forgot that she already knew what he present was.

"Ooh, your mommy's gonna love that."

"Yeah, when do I get my present?" Haven asked. She kept her eyes closed.

"Um... after dinner!"

"You're gonna make me wait all the way till dinner?"

Clementine giggled.

"Here, why don't you put it in here so your mommy can open her eyes?"

"Okay!"

Haven opened her eyes, just as Clementine was sitting down at the love seat where Sarah had out some tea and sandwiches.

"Haven, can I talk you into finishing up this bookkeeping for me? I forgot those people from the charity auction are coming by today and I still need to get all my junk together."

"Yeah, yeah, of course," Haven said, sliding into Sarah's seat. Clementine ended up falling asleep at some point, curled up on the sofa. Haven was tempted to move her upstairs, but left her where she was for fear of waking her up.

Outside, she could hear the low murmur of people chatting. Out of all of them, Sarah's voice stood out to her. Gentle, soothe, but somehow firm.

As soon as she was finished, Haven slung her bag over her shoulder and smoothly scooped Clementine up into her arms.

"Can I wear my dress now?" Clementine mumbled, her eyes still closed.

Haven smiled, kissing her forehead. "Tomorrow's church, wear it then."

"Okay." Clementine sighed. "Where are we going?"

"Upstairs so you can finish your nap."

"No, I'm not tired," Clementine protested, her eyes fluttering open. She lifted her head and weakly wiggled her get down.

Haven kept her hold on her. "No, no, no, remember what I said? If you take a nap in the afternoon, I won't make you take on in the morning." Reaching her room, Haven swung her door open and laid Clementine down on her bed.

"No, I'm not tired," Clementine repeated, starting to cry. She rubbed her eyes with her fist, pushing herself back up and shoving the blanket away.

"No, Clementine, go back to sleep."

"Can I sleep with you?"

"Not right now. I have some stuff I need to do before dinner."

"I want to help!" Clementine said, starting to cry.

Haven gently pushed her back down. "You can help me when you wake up."

Clementine let out another pathetic sob. "No, Momma, I wanna help now—I..." She coughed and then continued crying.

"Clementine. That's enough. Stop crying, go back to sleep," Haven said gently.

Clementine started to shake her head.

Haven gently gripped her chin. "Yes, Mommy."

Defiance sparked in Clementine's eyes.

"Yes, Mommy," Haven repeated, her voice trembling ever so slightly. Say "yes, Mommy," please. Just say it.

Clementine was silent.

Haven had just stood up to get the switch she kept in her nightstand drawer when Clementine rubbed her eyes and murmured,

"Yes, Mommy."

Still shaking, Haven managed a smile. She kissed Clementine's forehead. "Good girl. Go to sleep."

Clementine yawned, nodding. She turned onto her side, still sniffling, and snuggled up with her dress.

Haven slipped from the room, closing the door behind her and glad to have avoided a tantrum. She leaned back against the wall, waiting until she stopped shaking enough to walk.

For the most part Clementine didn't resemble Damien that much, but when she got that look on her face—anger, defiance, irritation—she looked just like him. And as if that wasn't hard enough, she always hated actually disciplining her anyway.

Starting up the stairs towards the attic room she had transformed into a small office space, Haven sank down at her desk and turned on her computer, opening the college catalogue she'd been sent and scanning over the list of classes. Registration didn't open until tomorrow morning, but she already knew exactly what classes she wanted.

Grabbing her tablet, Haven stood up and started downstairs towards Sarah's office on the ground floor.

"Hey, are you in the middle of something?" Haven asked as she walked in.

"Nothing I can't pause—what's up?"

"I just checked out the class list, take a look and tell me what you think," she said, handing her tablet to Sarah.

Sarah looked at it for severl seconds, nodding slowly and then breaking out into a grin. "Looks great! Have you looked at the campus store?"

Haven lightly frowned. "No, why?"

Sarah shrugged, grinning almost sheepishly. "It might be fun to get a hoodie or something with the college's name on it."

Haven laughed, shaking her head. "No, I haven't, but I will. Thanks!" She started toward the door.

"Haven?"

Haven looked up as the door quietly creaked open and Sarah walked in.

"I don't want to smother you or make you feel like I'm looking over your shoulder, I just want to check in with you," Sarah said quietly. "How are you doing with Clementine?"

"Just in general?"

"In general, yes, but more specifically when she has tantrums or is being difficult."

Haven nervously smiled. "Good, I think. I mean, I know I could be better. Just now, she was being defiant and I probably should have spanked her but she said 'yes mommy' at the last second so I... didn't."

Sarah shrugged one shoulder. "You're on her pretty diligently; one pass won't kill either of you."

Relief surged through Haven's mind.

"How are you doing mentally with it? I know disciplining her is hard for you."

This time it was Haven who shrugged. "I still hate it and it makes me want to cry but... I can see the changes in her. You know? How she's starting to catch herself and her tantrums are becoming fewer and farther between. When I focus on that it makes me glad. Makes it worth it."

Sarah smiled. "Good. You really are doing so wonderfully with her, sweetheart, I'm so proud of you."

Haven's grin warmed and heat climbed to her face. "Thanks." She chewed her lip, sobering a moment later. "She asked me about him."

Sarah lightly frowned, confused.

"About her dad. Why she doesn't have one."

Understanding broke over Sarah's face. "What'd you tell her?"

"Just that it was a secret for now and I'd tell her when she's older."

"That was smart."

Haven chewed her lip and she nervously swallowed. "I don't... I don't know that I ever want to tell her, though."

Sarah was silent for a long time. "You don't have to tell her all the gory details."

"I know. It's just... it's not fair to her."

"No. It's not fair to either of you," Sarah said, stepping around the desk and sitting beside Haven. "But, like you, she's strong. She'll rise to the challenge and grow so much more because of it. And as she grows she'll have such a wonderful role model who loves her, cares for her, provides for her... shows her how a family—a father—should look like."

Haven faintly smiled.