Are you coming home?

"Are you coming home tonight?" 

Michael's alluring voice played through the phone, a siren call of smooth, sweet promises laced with unspoken dangers. A drug that once got your heart high and your brain numb. Your mind - at least before you stopped listening to it - screamed at you to stop before things turned bad.

You'd stopped listening to that part of yourself months ago.

"Lemme think about it. He knows when to expect me, but I could come up with something"

Your chest felt like a huge black pit, a huge weight was resting on it and it felt like it was sucking the air out of your lungs. It was unbearable. Was it excitement or was it just anxiety, though? Could be both.

Deep inside you wanted and you needed it. Ten years of a lifeless marriage had passed. You ended up being more like roommates rather than lovers. Your husband had committed his fair share of betrayals, some of which you'd never know about.

You stayed because of the kids, as so many people have done. You never really thought of yourself or your happiness; that would be admirable of course if it weren't for the fact that you were too afraid to stand up for yourself. 

Deep inside you wished karma would see what you've been through and consider the balance sheet equal. Karma owed you one after all these years. 

Your response met with silence; just the sound of steady breathing came through the line. Was he getting cold feet? You hadn't really considered the probability that Michael would be the one to back out.  He'd known from the beginning that you were actually married and despite his momentary lapses of religious guilt, he never wavered that this was what he wanted too.

The silence grew louder with each passing second. For your sanity, you had to break it.

"Are you alright?"

"Are you sure this is the right thing?"

Was he talking about you visiting tonight? Or what you would tell your husband when you arrived at your home late at night? Your chest tightened way more than before, the weight intensifying as you worried about your response. Just one hour prior, you were on top of the world. Everything you ever wanted was coming to fruition. With just one sentence, Michael had pulled the rug under you to reveal that you were never on solid footing in the first place. 

How were you gonna respond? You needed to ensure that you didn't push him further down the path of doubt, but you didn't really know what he was doubting. Precious moments ticked by; you were bordering on giving off doubt yourself.

"I'm sure.  A hundred percent. I've never met anyone like you, I've never felt this way before. You've opened my eyes to what is possible when you find someone that you truly connect with. I want this with you. "

"I know. We feel the same way". He paused. "But I meant tonight".

The pressure on your chest eased. He was not questioning your future, only if you should meet before you talked to your husband. Before you explained that the world Frank had known would come to an end. 

"If you're not comfortable, I have no problem waiting," you lied. Your only hope was that the prospect of not getting your hands on each other would push him over from where he sat, teetering on the fence. 

You'd long moved past worrying about whether you should or that maybe this isn't right. You thought he had too.

"Maybe that would be better, at least until you've left him."

The cold sting of disappointment rippled throughout your body. Your plans for the night, your excitement, it was all vanishing the more you spoke.  Your options were to give in and go home, face the reality you'd created for yourself, or to press on.

"If you're certain that that's what you want... I won't press you."  You'd always been terrible at expressing your real feelings, but you had learned long ago how to manipulate others to get what you want. Call it a gift from your abusive childhood.

"I don't know..." he was being hesitant again, still on the fence. There was still a chance. "Are you sure he will not find out?" 

You had no way of knowing if your husband would ever find out, but you jumped at the opening Michael provided.

"One hundred percent, yes. I'm certain."

Your heart skipped three or maybe four beats when you heard his answer.

"Ok, come over then." 

_______________________________________________________________________________

"Ok kids, time for bed."

Freddie's heart was pounding.  Was it anxiety? Was it excitement? Could it be both?

YN was supposed to be home in an hour; she'd left Denver three hours ago. Freddie knew exactly how long it would take her to get back; he'd checked Google Maps to get the route time and to see if there was any traffic along the way. He wanted to let her know if there were any delays, as YN hated traffic. And of course, Freddie hated when traffic caused her to become stressed oy. He wanted her home, with her family,  so she would relax after a long trip. 

One by one, Freddie ugged each of their three children and kissed their foreheads, tucking them into bed. With each bedroom door he shut, his chest felt tighter and tighter. YN had begun to act strangely after she left for her trip. They barely spoke, and when they did, she felt distant. Freddie dared to ask but YN wouldn't tell him what was going on. 

"We can talk when I get back." That was all she would give Fred when he asked what was going on with her.  

He wished she would've just told him whatever she was going to tell him then. The anticipation was surely worse than whatever she would tell him, but his innermost fears manifested the worst-case scenarios then replayed them countless times in the days since he uttered those words. Things that could never happen, like YN asking for a divorce. Or his worst fear, that he would leave me for another man. 

She was far too selfless for that. His YN, the woman who stood by him even when he broke her trust. He didn't feel he deserved her; she was far too good for him. He couldn't think of a better mother, a better wife.

But...he couldn't shake the feeling that something was coming. Something he wasn't ready for. His stomach had been turning for days. He hadn't eaten; he couldn't eat. The thought made him even sicker to his stomach.

As he sat on the couch, his phone lit up. 

YN Calling.

He snatched his phone off the coffee table and pressed Answer, trying to calm himself before talking to not appear as desperate as he really was.

"Hey, on your way home baby?"

"Yeah... I'm on the road now." She sounded hesitant.

"So, I'll see you in an hour?"

"I wish. I hit bad traffic, and we're barely moving. All lanes might be shut down."

An icy dagger pierced his heart as she recited his lie. All his excitement at seeing her name pop up on his phone only served to raise his spirits higher so that the emotional drop was even steeper. Crushed, he didn't know how to respond. How do you tell the woman you hope isn't coming home to tell you she's leaving that you know she's lying – without pushing her further away?

"Oh... that's not good. Have you looked it up yet on Google Maps?"

"Yeah, it looks like road construction up ahead. We're backed up for miles. It's going to be a while."

All of his worst fears, the dread he'd felt for the past three days, bore down harder than ever before. He'd been fighting his tears, telling himself he was being irrational. Hearing how much YN had rehearsed this lie, though, cut through any delusions he still had left.

"YN, where are you headed?" His voice was much steadier than he felt, his fears turning into resolve as he spoke. The silence grew louder each moment she didn't respond. The only thing he could hear was his own beating heart as he waited. 

"What are you talking about?" Her voice was slower, measured. She was gauging how much he knew. 10 years of marriage, he knew when she was lying and trying to gain more time to figure out how much she could still hide.

His heart broke as he realized she wasn't headed home. Wherever else she was going, she didn't want him to know. Based on her lie, she planned on being there for hours. Was she even coming home? He was afraid of the answer but he asked anyway.

"Are you coming home tonight?"