Prologue

Prologue: There she goes, there goes the birthday girl.

Today is the 4th of October, 2021. A beautiful rainy day a person I know would have enjoyed. As I lay quietly on my bed with a blanket over me, I remember that one night I thought everything would end. I wouldn’t want to remember the moment, but as my eyes scan the darkroom until I attain night vision – there in front of me is an empty blue bed. Things just change, from having our own rooms to now sharing a small four-cornered room with my sister and brother, from playing all day and night–pillow fights, running around the whole house, talking about anime, laughing hard at each other, from being our kind of loud house into the quietest house. However, the beds in this room are empty, they have been empty. But, between the two beds, there is this blue bed where the sheets and the pillow look so brand new that sometimes I want to sleep there, the blanket is neatly folded at the center, and no one even sleeps there for the past three months ever since mom changed my sister’s sheets.

My sister has been living her life, that’s how I’ll say it. She’s out of the house before anyone wakes up. She’ll be gone before I even open my eyes to see Mr. Sun. Who would have thought that among us three siblings, the only girl in the family would be the badass one. The only one who never fails to uppercut anybody that comes in her way. The only one living a dangerous life. The only one I never saw cry in front of me. The only one strong enough to not care about herself. The only one that’s brave enough to run inside a dark tunnel. The only one who would walk by herself. And the only one, to be only, one?

Thrills, stunts, games, and fun. That’s what I saw in her. That’s what she showed me. I was so clueless before, not until I saw her two months ago. She opened the eyes of a twelve-year-old kid.

August 04, 2021

I am curled like a ball on my bed with a blanket over me. It’s a quiet night that I fell asleep the moment I closed my eyes. Not too long after that, I feel the side of my bed sink even though it is a single bed, I still have a body that makes this bed a double single bed, as Ma always says. I keep my eyes shut as I don’t want the person to know that I am awake. I feel like it’s childish to do so, but I am doing it since I just turned twelve, I am still a kid. “Life has been rough on you, huh little man?”

That voice, I haven’t heard that voice for almost a year. “Ate’s life has been rough too.” She is speaking like my classmate who was called to read a script where he shouts but he only went "Ah." The girl I always love. The girl I have missed. The girl I always wanted to hug. The girl, my sister. My sister whom I never thought would be back here inside this house. My sister who left without saying anything, leaving nothing but pain for me.

She takes a deep breath and slowly she speaks again, “I never thought I’ll be coming back here for a whole week when I already told myself that this house, and this life, are nothing to me." What does she mean? "You, Ma, Pa, Kuya, this room, this house, our old house, my old room, our old life, our memories…” She breathes in, “I th-rew them all in a trash bin I would never want to rummage in just to find appreciation for everything again.”

“I threw it all. Every time I do something, I never try to absorb the feeling, I never try to appreciate it – I just go with it and let it be over next. I mean, why would I keep it as a memory?” She answers her question, “Nothing good ever happens in having memories, nothing good ever happens in reminiscing the feeling, nothing…”

“Would you believe me when I say that, I also don’t find this life… worth it?” she stops. I can feel her breathing beside me as if she’s trying not to cry, not to be too loud for anyone to come in here. She’s like that blue character I saw who sounds like they're about to cry. But my sister is not crying yet, she's fighting with it.

“This life? This life has never brought me any good.” She Stutters, “I did… I did… I d-id numerous things that no one would forgive me for.” Her voice softens, “You, you would never forgive me when you learn that your sister, she she s-he… she tried to… to kill someone.”

I flinch at the tone of her voice “I have killed someone, Mj. But, I never found myself grieving over her death. I felt, nothing… but now?” She speaks quickly but harshly, “Now that I have been all over the place? Running away? Attempting to jump from buildings? Cutting my wrists? Beating my body?”

She whispers yells my name. “Mj!” I tear up. This is the first time to ever hear her cry, her quiet shout is enough for me to tear up when I didn’t even understand everything she just said. It's just like when Ma is angry, or when she's crying loudly. I don't know why but just hearing her yell and hearing her cry like there's someone inside my chest who punches me then my mouth would tremble and tears would come down. “All these years I thought that I can make everything go away! Set aside what this family has brought me, what they brought me, what life this is!” I can feel her lifting herself from the bed as she continues to keep her voice down.

“I thought that maybe I should just live my life… I should just do anything I want, disregard everyone, punch anyone… But, but, b-but I was never living my life! I was blaming people when I-I was slowly making a grave for myself! It was my freaking fault from the start!” I open my eyes as I hear her scream her words, as I hear the loud thud, as I hear my sister fall on her knees.

“Ate!” I hug her from behind, and she didn’t push me away. She takes my arm tightly, as she cries. “I am killing myself!” I let go of her and face her. I take her hands in mine. Her hands are wrapped with this white thing and there are red stains here and there, even her arm itself.

I look at her eyes, her eyes that never showed any emotions when she uses them, her eyes that don't show she's afraid — that was what I thought. That was what she wanted people to think and see but, that is not the truth. “Ate, you aren’t killing yourself. If you are killing yourself, then you won’t be here, right?”

She lifts her head gently, “You’re only twelve, you know nothing?” but her hands tighten their grip on mine.

“I really don’t know but Ate, that’s what I want to say. That if you were dead, you wouldn’t be crying in this room, right?” I squeeze her hands gently, “Ate, you said that the world has been rough? But you’re here, oh. Smile!” I show her a toothy smile, my eyes even smile.

Then I never saw her again. I look around the room again, my eyes land on the calendar. “October 4?”

I remember something very important that makes me sit up on my bed, “It’s her birthday, where is she?”

Suddenly, the door burst open. My Ma bursts the door open as she shouts. “Mj! Quickly!” Ma yells, “Your sister’s on the line!”

I quickly get out of bed, my heart starts running along with me as I run down the stairs while Ma runs after me. I grab the phone that is hanging on its line. “Hello?” I breathily say on the other line.

“Hello? Is this the Blue residence? Sorry but the woman who picked up the phone didn’t answer me and just – what seems to me, left me hanging here.” She even whispers, “Bet this guy would do the same.”

“Ate?” I answer.

“Mj! So it was Ma? The woman?” she quickly asks.

I nod as I say yes to her. She doesn’t wait for me to talk after hearing my yes, she quickly gives me an order to pass the phone to Ma, which I obey quickly. Ma and Ate speak on the phone and I can see Ma responding with nods and yeses. After that, Ma puts down the line and turns to look at me.

“Your sister wants to see us! Go and get ready!” Her mouth reaches her ears and she is showing her teeth through that smile.

I quickly go back to our room and change into something my stylish Ate would like. I rush down the stairs again and Ma is still smiling widely, ear from ear kind of smile. A smile I don’t always see since he left. “Come on!” She calls.

We quickly take a cab and made it to a large building. This place doesn’t feel good to me, it makes my heart beat fast and it just gives off a different feeling from all the white at a glance of the outside. I am twelve, but I really don’t like this place, I don’t step outside pretty often and I don’t have any connection with the outside world except for school, but, I do know something is odd and familiar about this place. I hold Ma's hand tightly as we enter the building. She looks down at me and gives me a smile and pats at the head.

There are a lot of people here. Most of them are wearing white, white gowns, white pants, white shoes, almost everything is white. But, I do see other people wearing something blue. “That way,” Ma points to the stairs. We continue to walk up the stairs, I can hear people shouting. Ma lets me go first and I get to the top of the stairs, I turn right and see people coming out from a room, shouting and are acting like flash.

My Ma stops as she looks at the direction I am looking at. They start running in front of us, even though they are running, a girl in blue catches our attention. She is on a chair a familiar chair my brother also has but she has people in white surrounding and pushing her.

Suddenly my Ma falls on her knees with a gasp, she has her hands covering her mouth. All those smiling a while ago are now gone, her tired eyes let go of tears that soak her cheeks. Her emotions burst out like the basket that keeps my toys, it wasn’t strong enough to hold hundreds of it. She is mumbling she’ll be fine, between her shaking hands. I look back at the girl in blue being wheeled pass us. Everything feels slow when I see a face I haven’t seen since August in front of me. It feels like she is moving like lighting McQueen that as I try to reach for her she is being wheeled seconds faster than my arm. All I see is her pale skin, her closed eyes, and her dangling head. There she goes, there goes the birthday girl.

The last thing I hear coming from a man in white was, “Ready the ICU!”