Chapter 5

Chapter 5: The darkness that starts to dominate everything becomes an escape.

I close the front door and as soon as I turn my back from it, I shout “People, I’m back!” One shout is enough for our dog Zian to come running to me as he barks in tiny. I kneel down and open my arms for the little fluff ball and he jumps on me. His tail is wagging too madly, he is barking so loud in tiny and he is licking me. “You missed me, huh?”

I pick him up and walk to the dining area, just to hear yelling. “I almost forgot about this,” my expression changes cold as I know the reason behind these loud yelling from a woman and a man. They didn’t even notice that I am here. I put down Zian and lean against the entrance to watch my parents quarrel for the fifth time since summer started.

Her high-pitched voice rings the whole room, “You didn’t come home for two days, Vansol!”

With what sounds like frustration, he answers in a yell, “I told you I was out of town!” He harshly sighs, “You are so paranoid, Mela!” He spat out the word paranoid on her face.

She puts her hand on her forehead. She’s about to burst into tears but, she’s suppressing it. “Paranoid? Van! I am not paranoid!”

He throws his hands up “Then what is this?”

“Marriage?”

They both snap their heads in my direction after answering in monotone about what he just asked. I push myself off the entrance. I raise my hand and point it to them, “That,” I then direct my hand above and do a circular motion, “And all these, is because of your marriage, Ma, Pa.”

I stare at them coldly, “So will you two just stop the fight?" With a hint and tone of finding my next phrase funny, I speak up. "You’re both at fault anyways.” I walk out and am about to go up the stairs when I see my older brother watching T.V.

I smirk in astonishment, “You’ve been there listening to them? And did nothing?” I clap my hands and shake my head in amazement, “That’s the firstborn for you.” My eyes strain at him as he doesn't give any reaction to being bothered.

I continue my way upstairs and straight into my room. I lock the door and plop on my bed. I take out my phone from my pocket and as soon as I lift my hand that is holding the phone, I see the bracelet that I have kept for over a year now. I sit on my bed and take off the bracelet. I admire it and I remember how we spent our summer at that time. Everything was just perfect, we were so happy during those three days.

I hold the bracelet with both of my hands, “Even for just three days, I was the happiest among everyone in this family.”

“Even when everyone in that small and cozy house was a…” I forcefully split the bracelet into two as if every emotion I had inside those three days are just bonded by this bracelet. I let the beads make their beat as they fall down my bedroom floor. “Liar.”

I dismissingly throw the strings I have left on my hands and just lay on my bed. I suddenly ask myself, “How did I change like this from just a year?” I never thought that a year in high school could change me and my entire life. If ever I knew, I would have just stayed inside this room and just die here.

The night comes by quicker than expected. The silence I have been having inside my room becomes more of a comfort than a bothering noise letting my thoughts dominate it. The darkness that starts to dominate everything becomes an escape. I close my eyes and feel my surroundings, it feels empty but it doesn’t matter, it’s calming and it’s peaceful, no doubt, it’s freedom, it is security.

Loud banging on my door cuts my thoughts but I remain unbothered. A small voice now starts to shout “Dinner!”

The irritation in me peaks through. I begin to feel my surrounding with my hands. I get to grab a pillow and throw it in the direction of my door. “Coming!”

The banging stops and I can hear him hurriedly running away from my door. I stand up and turn on my bedside lamp for light. I walk to my door and suddenly pain strikes from my lower extremities. “Shit!” I lift my right foot from the ground and blood starts to drip from it. I look down to what caused this and there laying on my bedroom floor is a heart charm.

I pick up the charm and try to adore it. Actually, this charm reflects me. A once pure heart now covered in red. “But how did this thing wounded me?” I analyze the charm and it is my first time to ever look at it closely. I didn’t imagine it to be like this, the charm is a bit cracked. On side of it is overlapping and that seems to have cut my foot. I open that overlapping part and I discover that, “This charm is not just a charm? It’s a locket?”

I open it, but just found my blood. With no doubt and no more hope for anything about this friendship, I throw it off my window. I leave my room and go down the stairs. As I walk to the dining area, I can see my family praying. I mean they are all in silence, seems to me maybe they are having a silent prayer meeting? "We do need glue to hold us back together."

I sit on my chair and that’s when my Papa decides to talk. “Since everyone is here, I have important news to discuss with all of you.” I look at my Ma and she has her head low and she has a handkerchief covering her mouth.

Miguel speaks, “What is it?”

From the looks of it, Pa deeply breathes in and out before speaking. Like he is contemplating whether to tell us or not. “Then just don’t tell us.”

He looks at me, “What?”

“Then just don’t inform us, Pa. It looks like your decision isn’t even fully decided yet.” I pick up my cutlery, “Let’s just finish dinner without any small talks or long conversations, shall we?”

Mj on the other hand follows my lead and eats slowly. Miguel? He silently eats across Ma. While Ma, still has her handkerchief covering her mouth. Whatever it is, if it's not something good, I'd rather have the conversation flying out somewhere else than in front of the food.

We finish dinner quicker than quicksand. Honestly, my brothers have left the table already. Right after their last bite, they drank water and left. An eat and run kind of thing. So now that I am done, I stand up and carry my plates to the kitchen and out of it to leave to go back inside my room. “Hillary.”

I look back and see that Ma is the one who called me. Sitting alone on that five-sitter dining set, looking at me worriedly. “Hm?”

Her eyes trail down my body before she speaks softly, “You’re bleeding.”

“Oh?” I point at my foot, “This? It's nothing.” I turn my back and am about to leave when she grabs my arm. Her warm voice finds its way to wrap itself over my cold expression, “Let me at least treat it, dear.”

She leads me to the living area and makes me sit on the couch. “Wait here,” she leaves and quickly comes back with the house’s first aid kit. She sits Indian-style on the floor and lifts my right foot to rest on her knee. She opens the kit and starts to treat it. I look at my Ma, she would always be that sweet mother that brought me into this world. Despite the pain and suffering, she still thinks about us that sometimes I just feel sorry for having these emotions built up and keeps on building up against her.

I bite my lower lip when she puts alcohol on my wound. My eyes start to burn, I don’t know if it’s because of the static pain this alcohol just caused my wound or is it because of the bottled emotions I have kept from her and against her. She picks up a white plaster from the kit and I bend and quickly snatch it from her.

She makes eye contact with me, and I tell her, “I can do this myself.” I abruptly turn my neck to the side just to break the eye contact, “Just, do whatever it is you have to do,” I nudge my head in the kitchen’s direction, “There.”

Her hands find their way to wraps around mine. The shock makes me snatch my hands away from her warm wrap. My eyes are bug out and I look at her. Her expression weakens but she tries to smile. She puts everything inside the kit and stands up. “I’ll leave this to you, you might need it to clean your wound tomorrow.” She slowly walks back to the kitchen, well she wasn’t walking – she was dragging herself back to the kitchen.

My tensed body now calms down and I take deep breaths. I rest my head on the couch and close my eyes. But then suddenly, the side of the couch weights down. The T.V turns on and the various changing of channels begins. I open one of my eyes to peek at who is sitting next to me. A man I am very familiar with. A man in his 50s, who always wears the same uniform – a baby blue polo every time I see him. He has his back facing me, I would have been scared by just seeing him, but I grew fine with it now. However, I wouldn’t wish to see his face, a face that has been carved inside my head that I have always tried to hide in the darkness of my mind, in the corner, in the place I wouldn’t have to recollect any memory I had.

I close my eyes and let myself travel the world of peace while drowsing to sleep. But before I can fully lose consciousness from the world, cold hands wrap themselves on mine. My body tenses, my heart races, my breathing heavies. My mouth is open in agape trying to breathe air, trying to breathe in what feels like the remaining air in the atmosphere. I have my eyes shut but I shut it more. I try to take the hands off of mine, hoping that I can finally hold my chest that is feeling heavy, feeling tight, feeling of tearing.

My heart feels like strings are wrapped around it, and someone’s pulling the end of the strings, I shout in agony, “Please, pl-please!” Tears, start to race out of my closed eyes. They escape, they keep on flowing while I keep on pleading. But I cannot move, I am frozen in place and my hands have lost their strength to take these cold hands off mine.

“Hill.”

“Hillary,”

“Hillary!”

“Hillary!”

My eyes shot open, I breathe in so deeply as I have been out of air. My eyes are bug-out, they feel heavy, and they feel swollen. Hands are then placed on my shoulders, “Hill, are you okay?”

I didn’t even realize Rust is in front of me. I look at him in the eye, he has a worried look on his face. He shakes me, “Hillary.”

I snap out of it and talk, “I, I’m fine.” My tone came out scared and tired.

His hand finds its way to my cheeks. He wipes the tears away and then he brings me into his arms. That is when I realize, Xystal and Abe have been beside me. Her hands have been holding mine. She has been caressing it. While Abe has been holding a glass of water, he looks so nervous and he looks like he just woke up because of his bed hair.

I question myself, “What was that?”