Chapter 12

Chapter 12: A piece of paper with scribbles and doodles.

With consciousness, I become awake from a new dream. But everything is dark, I see nothing. I can’t even reflect on anything. Sweat beads start to form on my forehead, the atmosphere feels like I am inside an oven with over 30 degrees temperature. The silence and thoughts I have begin to be muffled by the loud thudding my heart makes. It almost just almost feels like I am about to hear even the rushing of blood in my body.

After a few deep breaths and talking myself out of this feeling, I calm myself down and that is when I realize, my eyes have remained closed. I am out of dreamland but it didn’t wake my body but only my mind. Slowly, I open my eyes. In relief, I sigh as I pick up what’s in front of me, what I can see through the moon’s light coming from my window.

I stare blankly at my plain chocolate-colored ceiling. Actually, it looks like it's blue – just simply anything darker than it usually is. The dream is vividly repeating in my head. So vivid that even the emotions as I watched it is still here. The feeling of holding onto the thinnest thread. It feels useless, hopeless but you still remain holding onto it. As if I was literally there as if it was my Ma as if it was my family.

The thought suddenly brings up an idea. I remove my blanket over me just to comprehend that my right hand is gripping the neckline of my shirt. As realization kicks in more, I feel my shirt knowing why I am gripping my neckline. It is close to my chest, “Just like the girl in my dreams, she did this, exactly with her right hand as well.” Hollowness— all I can feel is the hollowness of my chest, the bareness, the hole, a hole.

From my peripheral vision, I see my desk across from me. It looks like it’s glowing—calling me to come for it like those in the movies. A very protagonist and savior feeling. Like it’s a sign for me to do something about this dream. In a rush, I stumble to my desk and sit on my chair. I quickly pick up a pen and paper that was just lying around my desk area. While the dream is still fresh, I write everything. Despite writing just whatever my head provides me, I write it as quickly as possible and not as neatly as possible.

I don’t really have the time to arrange my thoughts anymore since as leisurely as possible, everything is fading from my memory. As if someone is wiping it off the chalkboard, every word, every detail, the strokes of every scene and words, letter, and the feelings turning into finer to the finest dust. The way I am now holding my pen is the softest way possible that I start to just scribble on my paper. My head suddenly triples its weight, like my neck couldn’t hold it anymore. I use my left arm to support my head but then even my arm gives up. I lay my head on my desk, I lose control of my pen, and let it go. My eyes slowly and heavily shut along with my consciousness, pitch black.

It is already 10 pm and I am just stepping inside the house from the library and hospital. As much as I love it, no one is in the living room. The whole couch is empty and with that, I plop down the couch like a shirt just hanging around the backrest. I stay like that for a while as I like the peace and quiet atmosphere not until my mind reminds me of Ma.

I fix myself and sit up properly. Opening the book I have been holding onto since I left the library. “Exam Reviewer (Alora High School)” the school is kind enough to have a bunch of this on the library we went to. They are considerate enough but other alumni say that not everything inside this reviewer is what you’ll see on the exam. These are just hints.

My whole attention is now focused on what I am reading. I am on the subject of science so all I need is to read the information given, as well as familiarize myself with the terms. Since my attention in mainly on the book, I didn’t catch on my brother invading the living room. Not until he starts to speak.

He coldly and nicely speaks, “You’re being too ambitious to think you’ll be able to get into that school.”

My ears self-sealed themselves from hearing him. I don’t want anything to do with him right now, so it is better to not chirp back. But then, he doesn’t stop. “Your grades are the only good about you.”

I can sense him moving closer, “And my school doesn’t focus on grades, but on character, ‘sis’.”

He stops in front of me, “Maybe if you look at me, you’ll come into your senses and should just stop and not even try. You’ll fail with no doubt.”

I don’t lift my head and just glare at him with my eyes, “At least I don’t need anyone or anything to put me in a prestigious school, unlike you using your…” my eyes scan his body from his feet and back to his eyes.

That didn’t take long after a fight with my brother, he leaves the living room, and he leaves me alone now. I lay on the sofa, putting the book over my face as I try to calm my breathing and reduce the prickling of my eyes.

But then, the chandelier’s light blinds me as the book is taken off my face. The most serious and intimidating tone blasts its way through my ears. “What’s with you and Miguel?”

I properly sit on the couch, watching him examine the book. “Alora High School? Again?”

His eyes almost pop out as he extremely and suddenly shouts, “What is in that school that makes you kids want to go there?”

He looks up the ceiling as if looking at the man he is talking about in heaven— with disgust, “Anthony Spears isn’t even the finest man, yet he has a school like that? Using his unreciprocated love to capture students now?”

I whisper to myself, “This is just too much.”

I forcefully grab the book from him, “If you don’t like it, can you just shut up?”

His face turns mad, but I remain unfazed. “Besides, you don’t have to come face to face with any of the Spears or even go there and talk to the school’s authorities to get me into the school.”

I furrow my brows, grip the book tighter, “I don’t care if you support me or not but please, just shut the –,” I shouldn’t curse, “Keep your –,” I must not refer to his opinions as shit, “Just… let me be. And if you can’t ‘let me be’ as a form of support then I’ll face it but, I won’t give up.”

Knocking, I can hear knocking on my door. My eyes slowly flutter open and the view of greenery and the sun’s rays greet me a good morning. I suddenly notice that I am sitting on my chair and my head is resting on my book.

My door creaks a bit as I can assume the person is trying to quietly make its way inside my room. Maybe thinking I am still asleep. “Dear?”

Her sweet voice greets my morning even better. “Oh, looks like you fell asleep studying last night.”

I reply with my hoarse voice, “I guess so, Ma.”

“Oh my! You’re awake!”

I chuckle as I sit up straight and stretch my arms up in the sky, “Good morning to my beautiful Ma.”

Her arms make its way to wrap around under my arms. “Good morning, Ate.”

She pats my back as she breaks the hug, “Breakfast is ready, let’s go.”

“Mhm!”

She leaves my room as I fix my things on my desk. “It does seem like I fell asleep while studying.” I close the book since it is spreading all its glory. But below the book, there is a piece of paper with scribbles and doodles. I insert the paper in between the pages of the book then set it aside.

I move on to my bed which I find the sheets disheveled. I neatly fix my bed, make my way to my bathroom to freshen myself before going down to the kitchen to get my breakfast. I make it inside the kitchen just to see no one sitting on the stools, and no food on the kitchen island.

“Panget, over here!”

Kuya’s voice makes me turn around to see that they have the glass doors open to the garden. Where a wooden round table and a round chair is. I walk to them and Ma pats the chair next to her. “Let’s eat?”

Before we can all eat peacefully, Zian makes a move to jump and sit on my lap. He barks at us as his tiny tail wags left and right. Manong Joseph on the other hand is rushing towards us. His eyes scan the area until he finds the culprit. He picks up Zian from my lap and gives us an apology, “Uh, the little guy jumped from my arms. And eh, he ran here. Sorry.”

Pa replies, “Its fine, Joseph. Zian led you here since we’re about to eat breakfast, join us.”

Ma stands up and takes Zian from his arms, “Zian has food here,” she points at the dog bowls sitting beside me. She places the pup down and it starts to dig into its food. Manong Joseph also joins us, sitting beside Pa where a free plate is set up. Then, as a family, we all take a silent moment before we start enjoying our breakfast and morning chit chats.

After breakfast, I make my way to my room and again, start studying until nighttime. Ma has been making sure to bring me food. She brought me chicken nuggets and fries with rice for lunch. Even a glass of cola and water. Then Pa, he brought me snacks. Bowls of freshly cut into bite-size watermelons, apples, and bananas. Then a while ago, Kuya brought me dinner. It is Ma’s homemade spaghetti. Ever since he brought me dinner, he has never left yet.

“Kuya, I finished dinner already.” I turn around to look at my brother who is sitting comfortably on my bed while being immersed in a book.

I squint my eyes to try and see what he is reading too seriously. He even moves his mouth along while reading. “Learning –,”

He shuts the book close and looks at me skeptically. He takes off his earphones, “What?”

I didn’t see that, he was wearing earphones? I shake my head as I turn to face my laptop and book, “Oh, nothing.”