Five

Evening in the city, in the graphite-lullaby, each vivid hue collects their boarding pass for the land of dreams. Crystal sighed as she rinsed the last plate that was left to rinse.

It was late.

It was her turn to wash the plates that week and she did not want to pile any work for herself tomorrow morning so as to avoid lateness.

Putting the plate where it was supposed to be, she rinsed her hands and cleaned her hands with a rag. She looked around the kitchen and when she saw everything was in place, she made her way out of the kitchen. It seemed everyone was asleep.

She went straight to her study table and packed her books from the table. She had been reading since when she had come back from her school. She put her books in her bag and zipped the bag.

She yawned as she went to the closet which stood at the far left hand side in the room and opened it. Bringing out her school wear, she laid it on the study chair.

And then she made her way to the bed.

Hugging the pillow, she snuggled in, hoping to get some sleep.

Falling asleep can be one of the best parts of the day for a normal person, having a chance to relieve his or herself from the stress they had gone through for the day, there in the cozy blankets, snug and safe, letting the world of dreams come to her in its dancing way.

But hers was just as much different.

Bed was supposed to be her safe place, her haven. Snuggling into the duvet as happy as a cat in the sunlight, she supposed to always be ready for her starry dreams. She is supposed to fall asleep in good time, either slowly or fast, as long as she relaxes.

She supposed to have a little sparkle of joy before falling asleep. Bed supposed to be her sweet thing.....it supposed to make her as happy as any other treat.

But instead, hers was vice versa.

Although she had left that place she called hell, it still followed her to her safe haven.

It was always hard for her to sleep in the night due to the nightmares she always have. If it was not about her foster mother coming to find her then it will be dreams of the times she was raped. Past memories....painful memories that always leave a scar.

She was chained to her hell with no escape and to think she would never be free from its hold made her shiver.

Who was she kidding? Her hell will always be a part of her.....the memories, though unwanted will still be deep rooted in her brain, the thorns of her hell still prick her in the skin, leaving marks that would never fade away.

This is how she will live her life do why run away from it?

Her mind wandered to her parents.....her real parents. Who would know her parents would be so cruel enough to leave her in the hands of people who would make her life miserable? They did not even leave anything for her behind.

She turned herself to the other side so she could look out of the window. There was a full moon.

Closing her eyes in an attempt to get some sleep, he came to her thoughts. She could not help but smile when she thought about him.

Why was she smiling?

She thought about what had transpired at the library and could not help but squeeze her pillow tighter.

His gaze.....his touch....his voice.....she could not understand why but she wanted them right now.

She missed him.

She wanted so much to be with him right now but she could not. It felt as if he was the only one that could take away the pain in her heart.....the pain she had nursed for a very long time.

She wished he could tell her that everything will be fine.....that she could live a normal life like others.

She wished he would kiss her goodnight and hold her tight so she would not be drawn back to her well.

She wished he would take all the nightmares away.

As much as she wanted that it felt as if it will not happen. She did not even think he knew she existed so why hope?

Trying so hard to get him out of her head, she tried to get some sleep.

But falling asleep was as easy as letting the dreams begin.....

But minutes later, she woke up from a nightmare.

The nightmare comes in visual puns and communicating in metaphor as the creative dreaming brain does, offering suggestions and seeking answers in return.

The nightmare, as the demons of dreams, comes to awaken once more dark recesses of her brain.

Every scene of her life which was a nightmare came all rushing into her dreams, wanting to attack her in her sleep. And when she could not take the dreams anymore, she woke up with fear.

Sweat trickled down her shaking body as tears fell from her eyes. Her night wear was soaked in her sweat. Those old fears run through her head as she constantly heard the taunting laughter of years past, when she was a skinny kid being beaten and constantly whipped.

She was scared when these bad memories cut loose their chains and invade the confidence she is trying her best to build, eroding the person she had built since those dark days. When her thoughts tumble into that abyss and the rope ladders burn, she continued to shake, her mind far from where she was or who she was.

She was not strong enough to whisper at the iron bars that held her and see them bend out of their way, like the most crazy magic, because she does not have love....

She was never loved.

That is what love can do: fix souls, fix brains, cure all. Maybe she would have mastered that way, but it is hard when she had been starving for so long. Maybe she should call for help.

Or maybe she could act like there is no cage, wear a mask of coping and normality. Or maybe she could rage against the bars. Yet what love makes simple, no other thing can solve.

There seems to be another escape route, yet it is one into another great pain. It is possible to be so emotionally starved that you slip through the bars, no longer bound but with your soul crumbling. That was her way out. But it follows endless emotional marathons on bleeding knees.

She had learned how to hide the pain, how to look normal. She had gone cold inside to escape the pain of isolation, and let their empathy wither and die: numbness over feeling, mental anesthesia.

The pain in her heart has now become too much...she wanted to end it so badly. Blinded by pain and torture, she stood up from the bed and walked into the bathroom. She wanted to end this....to feel good....to feel free.

Her hands went to the razor blade on top of a shack close to the bath tub. TKing it, she removed the paper and looked at the razor blade with a smile.

This was her redemption....her cure from this pain.

She had nursed this pain in her heart for a long time and she wanted to be free from it....free from it all.

She was going to hurt herself so badly so the pain will go away.

She wanted it to go away.

She wanted to be free.

For three years she had suffered....three whole years. Now she would end it....she had to....she could not take it anymore. The nightmares....fear...endless pain....depression...she wanted them all gone.

Nothing mattered anymore.....nothing.

She bit her lips as tears fell down her eyes. She knew she was not herself and she did not care. What matters is for this pain to go away....

And the razor blade would be her only saviour.

She slowly but forcefully used the razor to cut her wrist. It felt so good.....it felt so nice...she felt so free....it seemed right.

She forcefully tore her wrist again, the wound more bigger than before. Her blood flowed but she did not care. The pain felt so good....so damn good.

If she knew this is how freedom felt, she would have done it long ago. She would have been free a long time ago.

She wanted peace....she wanted to be like any other human. She wanted to live her life so free.

She forcefully cut her wrists, tearing it more forcefully and more longer.

Blood flowed.... It felt so good.

She started feeling dizzy as she staggered. Not able to keep her balance, she fell to her knees.

Her knees weakened as she fell down to the ground. A smile was on her face as tears fell from her eyes.

There it was again.....

Those blue eyes.

She closed her eyes and those blue eyes....those tempting alluring blue eyes was all she could see.

"Justin"

She whispered as tears continued to fall.

"Justin"

She whispered again as she felt lightheaded, her mind free of everything thoughts and pain.

It was just him....only him.

"Justin"

Were her last words before she fainted in her own pool of blood.

She could only see him and no one else.....

The boy with the blue eyes.