CHAPTER 11

I start convincing myself that I can do this and that I have to do it. I brace up and try and act normal. Our order arrives and she drives back to the mansion. I am keeping it together and everyone is in the house except Chloe. Derek is seated and plays chess with Devon and Bartram was watching some show. He hits me with that question of why I hang up and didn't call and I thought of an answer very fast enough. "I wanted to tell you that I will be coming but I figured out I will see you this evening and tell you." He was like 'okay. And he continued watching his movie I said hi to the two brothers and Ezze went ahead and she showed me the room. They had an extra room, maybe for guests they were to receive like me but that was the least of my worries right now.

I don't even know how I managed to act normal but I did great there. The police guy called Ezze and said that they had all the information needed and that they have everything crafted for the story. They did communicate with the parents and the body was to be delivered to them in the next 24 hours. I am sure all this cost a lot of money but Ezze really handled it well. I just had to tell my family so that I wouldn't have so much guilt and so that they get the information from me first.

I really didn't have that energy to do it but Ezze was there by my side and she convinced me it was the right thing to do. I face time dad and I am crying as I give him the news. I was waiting for him to scold me for being careless and not focusing on my studies as we discussed. He was shocked by the news and I heard him call everyone so that they would listen to the news I was giving them. I wouldn't say those words again but my mum was the one who seemed to be so calm that it scared me. If they scold me I will just hang up the call and know what to do with myself. Mom is comforting and she says the same thing Ezze was saying all along. I was protecting myself and if he didn't turn violent then all this wouldn't have happened.

My dad insists that I go back home but I know I can't face all this. I can't dare look at Maritim's family and explain to them this news. I told him I am fine here and I will be okay eventually. I hang up after my dad keeps quiet and my twin siblings are crying with me. After I hang up my brother insists on telling me that he knew that guy had no good intentions for me. I remember Maritim's words "First Olivia then you!" Was I rebound to him? Had he given me the correct details about his breaking up with Olivia? I took off the ring and I threw it away. He wanted to be in control of me and I would never let anyone do this for me.

Maybe our prom date was to make Olivia jealous that's why he didn't seem to want much to do with him but I went ahead and forced him to fall for me. But would he fake all this goodness for this long? Was I that stupid to see that he never gave me any gifts as we were at home except for doughnuts and cakes? He took me out yes but maybe that was because he needed me to keep falling for him so he could control me? What if the trip was basically to spy on me and try to keep the friends I had made stay away from me?

I needed a break from my thoughts otherwise I will go mad right now. Ezze took care of things and they happened so fast. She assured me that no one would confront me and that there was enough evidence to justify everything she had said. The video actually did most of the talking even from the first time he was trying to get access to the event after being denied.

For me to remain sane I really needed a drink. I am sure there wouldn't be a lack a of drink here so I ask Ezze to bring me any available one and she goes ahead and brings me water. She says she wouldn't let me drink not only because there was a trip tomorrow but because I needed to be sober and try to handle myself. She promised to be by my side all through and that she will offer a shoulder to cry on. I have to show up again for Ezze but this time around there is something in return for me. I will be away from my thoughts for a few hours. There is still some part of me anticipating for tomorrow as if nothing happened but every five minutes I remembered everything. Every time I tried closing my eyes I would see the event recurring and so it was so hard to sleep. We would have actually gone to Ezze's room but I am sure Chloe is there and if she walks in and finds Ezze and me on the same bed she will yell until my ears burst.

"Where is Chloe?" I ask her. "She is gone, she was so fired up and insisted I take her to the trip, and when I said no she left. She didn't just leave but she gave me a couple of slaps and kicked me but I just let her go eventually. A good thing I know, at least I wouldn't keep hurting her every time." she says as she unwraps the packed food we got. I don't know what time she went to warm it but it was warm. My stomach was empty but I didn't have the appetite. I would even feel it growling but I felt no taste in my mouth. Even my favorite shake felt so tasteless. But I drank it anyway. I was forced to do several bites and I felt like a kid. Ezze was like my mum every time I was sick. She ensured I take several bites before she returns the food to the kitchen.

After the several bites had asked me to do she stood up to leave and I stopped her. I didn't want to be alone and there is a way she made me feel calm. I asked her to at least watch over me until I fell asleep. She helped me get in bed and she tucked in my duvet and she sat on the bed and I lied on her thighs. She played with my hair and kept saying that it was okay. If I survive this night then I can bear the rest.

"You have me and your family is also there for you. You have a life too and you have to live your dreams. His time ended not yours" it is always easier said than done. As much as my family would stand by me at whatever cost there is something heavy that will remain in their chests and that's what made me worried. They might forgive me and what a view but how do I know their deepest feeling about me? How does his sister go from having a protective brother to no brother at all? I would kill for any of my twin siblings and I am sure the sister really felt like killing me. I know she and her parents might end up passing on the hate to my family.

Maybe she is happy he is gone because she was jealous of him. I will go for this trip but look at the cost I am paying. A discontented heart, a broken one that seems to have its pieces scattered waiting for the owner to piece it up. My eyes felt heavy from crying all day and I needed to rest. If I don't show up I will have to give my reasons for missing such an experience I would never ever get in my life. With Ezze massaging my head I found my eyes closing and I was relaxing. Love is a poison that kills slowly. A poison that you accept willingly and mostly you have yourself to blame. I slept for about five hours and when I opened my eyes, I thought a new day would make me feel better. Some weight was over my chest when I informed my family and I just had to put my phone away. Ezze was still asleep and I don't recall when he got to remove my body from her thighs. She is really asleep and can't hear me leave the bed. I go and wash my face as I brush my teeth.

I don't recognize the person in the mirror, my eyes don't look as red or as heavy as I felt them be. So when people really look at me, there is nothing unusual they see. I had cried for some time and normally when I cry even for an hour my eyes will shout out to the whole world that I was crying. It's like

I woke up in a different mask. Every time my mind reminded me of the incidents that happened, I blinked for two seconds to brush it off. We are leaving with Ezze later in the evening and there is no part of me that was going to miss that trip, except for my mind when it brought the thoughts of Mar. I had to get him out of my mind, I had assumed that he took his flight back to New York yesterday as it was to happen. That's the story I would give since it was so obvious Bart or anyone else might ask.

I also felt hungry and I don't think I was really a guest in this house. Ezze ate all the food we ordered yesternight even my milkshake. I went to the kitchen and took a packet of milk and poured myself some cereals in a bowl. This was the easiest option since I wouldn't start cooking for everyone in this house. One thing I wouldn't do was wear that ring just to act like everything is normal. I was to be grieving right now but I feel like he was the one to blame. "You were saving your life" These words kept recurring in my head in a very loud voice. By this time I was also believing it. I started to doubt who Maritim really was and I was hating on him. There is a point I will have to grieve but not today nor tomorrow. At a later date when I have nothing planned, in the meantime let me live my life. Let me enjoy what life has to offer before I pay the cost of taking a soul.

As I was having my cereal, I heard footsteps and I saw Derek on the kitchen door. He still looked sleepy and I bet he was getting something for breakfast. "Look who we found here, I bet your violent boyfriend went back home, and oh you had to catch up with Ezze since you all have work to do. Huh, amusing" he said as he took a bite of an apple and I hadn't seen those apples actually. Was I supposed to respond to him, what was I to say anyway? I just stared at him and saw a sore part on his jaw and how hard did Maritim hit him that he still sore till now. "I am sorry about that, can I help you put some ice on it?" I offer. No, it will be fine, you are lucky I just respect you I'd have dislocated his jaw. I felt like that 'respect' was more of a 'like'. I just let that slide, maybe if I told him he is dead it might please him. But I choose to bury that story. I don't get it, there is a way my body is just behaving but only I can feel it but people aren't seeing it.

Anyway, he suggests we make breakfast since it was his turn to prepare food and I just laughed. Does he cook? Everyone who stays here does? That's amazing. I must say I had really checked the whole kitchen, my mind was focused on anything that came to my sight first. They had a schedule and there was like a list of three things a day for any meal where one had to choose what they feel like preparing. That seemed like his problem so I will just sit and wait for him to make us breakfast. Maybe I should come and live with them since I am not sure I can go back to my house. How will that happen without attracting any questions? What's the greatest excuse I can use? I don't have to tell my parents about it if I find a way to afford it. Cost-sharing didn't seem so costly, but with the people that are in this house, I will get to be attending that internship with no failure.

I go take a shower and every second that passes on I am completely unmoved. I get so comfortable but in a minute I remember that there is something that should be bothering me. I take a shower hoping I will wash away the memories of yesterday. I change into sweats and I go get breakfast with these fellows. The rooms here are big and I feel like a princess in this mansion. I will go to other rooms once I have breakfast. Ezze had left once I was out of the bathroom and I guess she also went to shower. I go to the dining table and I find Derek serving and this is where I can help him now. He says we can begin since the others are not hungry otherwise they would be here. He hadn't even finished the sentence, and we had Devon laughing and there were footsteps. They were coming to the dining table and I wished I was him. I needed to laugh and forget my life's mess for a while.

IIt seemed like they had all signaled each other or smelt the aroma. In two minutes Bartram and Ezze joined us. "Let's see what the chef of the day has made us. Uh, Morning Everett. So easily how Ezze replaces her chicks." Devon says. Should I release the bomb I was carrying or I just spare him for now. I give him a look and he is already raising his hands surrendering.

I needed some sunlight and a cool breeze. As much as I didn't want to be by myself I had to try to clear my mind. Maybe some meditation will work. I needed to get out of my head and I think I was handling it well because I have been meditating for a while. There was a beautiful garden and I will sit in that grass for a while until I am relaxed to face the weekend.

So many birds are in the vicinity and they are really interrupting my concentration. Maybe they are trying to pass a message but I am not a goddess to know what they are saying. Maybe Maritim has sent them to remind me that I don't need any peace after what I have done and maybe I am overthinking. I try to ignore them and they fly away and one of the shits on me. What have I ever done to them for real? It's so gross but I don't want to go back to the house. I have to start my quest of being unbothered so I keep going.

Ezze is in some shorts and comes finds me outside. I had even forgotten I was on earth, I thought was flying somewhere else. "A chauffeur will come to pick us up in three hours' time, I know you might need some hours to prepare. I hope you haven't changed your mind." I shouldn't be enjoying but fortunately, I will be.

I go and get dressed up, I have some fancy expensive clothes thanks to my family's gifts also Ezze took part in choosing them for me since she is the one that packed them. I had money in my account and hence I can also buy some more.

We didn't even wait for lunch, since Derek was just preparing to make it and I am sure where we are going there will be plenty of food. A wagon picked us up and I don't even know which turn my life is taking. "You can leave your bags, you just need your phone ", the chauffeur says to us. This is ultimately different and we do as required. We get new clothes or what? We will find this out later.

We approach an estate full of mansions, the mansions are twice the size of the ones Ezze and friends stay in. He goes through the main gate, then he goes to the next and then another and I can't wait to see where we are going. These are mansions we get to see in movies. This was Ted walker's home and how much money do fashion and design give him. He has a brand I knew that a week ago but all this was his? Well, money must be so sweet a luxury then. We see him come out of the lobby that had a pool or was it Jacuzzi that he had been chilling probably waiting for us. He had some pair of shorts and I would see his rich skin shine when it got the brilliance of the sun. Oh, God! I need my skin glowing like that of his. "What are your sizes? You can order a pair of shorts, sweats, dresses, robes whatever you wish to wear this weekend." he proceeds then says hi to us. "I see you did follow my advice now I know that not only will you help my brand but you will grow and go so far as long as you put your minds together, What course do you take," he asks me and I don't know he will believe me when I tell him but I go ahead and say it boldly once I loved it 'Cardiology'. He looks shocked and it's like I can read his mind and he is asking himself what you are doing there.

"Anyway, Rodrigo escort them so that they can dine and wine." Our chauffeur seemed to be part of security, he was built and he was tall enough to fit the work. The only words he spoke were "Leave your bags and only get your phones. He nodded after being instructed and he walked past us as we followed him. There was a buffet of everything I have never seen and one was to serve anything you wish as many times you wish to. I think I am in heaven.

We are done eating and then Rodrigo brings in some fancy bags with the clothes we had been gifted and shows us our designated rooms for the night. "You need one room or two?" again he speaks and I didn't even see his mouth move. "One will be okay" Ezze responds to him and I see the weight of her words when Rodrigo doesn't ask 'Are you sure'. We slept together last night anyway so there isn't much of an issue with it.

It looked like we were in a five-star hotel and remember we were in someone's house I felt like questioning if my parents were rich. We smile at each other and once we are in, we are jumping and dancing. It felt like the start of something great and I was not going to miss any of it. "I can't wait to get in a jet honestly."

"Woah neither can I" Ezze matches my joy.

I had Jonathan Saffran Joe's voice in my head "You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness." I felt like I shouldn't be so happy and it is not the time to enjoy but at the same time, I don't know how it is that I would stop myself from feeling so great right now. All these voices in my head needed to be shut down.

"I bet this whole house doesn't miss a gym and I will go for an hour so that I can come shower if you need to join me then you can follow me.' I don't know if I wanted to go workout but I needed to tour this mansion more. I just have a spirit that is willing to do things I didn't think I would do before. She removes her t-shirt and she is in a sports bra and I can see her abs popping out. "You like what you see? Huh! She winks at me and I am still staring at her as I put my smile on. I know you might see the need for working out but maybe you can consider it today. You can get healthier today, she laughs after she realizes that she did sound so stupid. I consider it and she insists that I do some squats and she gets a dumbbell and shows me how to go by it. She gives it to me and then stands behind me puts her hand around my waist and asks me to go down. I squat and I can't get myself to get up so she puts more energy on her hands and she helps me up. Her hands are in contact with my breasts and I don't want her to stop so I will push myself to go at least five reps.

"How do you feel?" Ezze asks as I am on my third rep.

"I don't know, with your hands around my waist, I feel amazing. I feel like not only are you supporting me as I do my squats but it feels like you are also promising to be with me all the way. I know you will eventually let go but I want to push five more". I say as I add more squats and I am already tired.

'No pain no gain'. I saw a sticker on the wall. What was I to gain with all the pain I get from killing my own boyfriend? Moving on?

"Okay sorry to say this but I mean about yesterday's happenings. You know you have to at least say what you feel and not try to hide it, especially with me. Of course, that's true I promise to be by your side in all of this. The good and bad times and I will help you in all ways possible."

I thought she would turn this into a romantic scene as she has always wished to have before but she doesn't. She is just so concerned, more than I actually am yet I am the one in the wrong. But why is it so easy for her to solve this issue? How does she even get to know such people and solve such cases without much time and questions involved? Is it because she has been in such a situation or she has helped another person before?

"I know of all ways to make you forget it all, step by step" she now makes me ask myself the question another time. "For now let's work out, I have always known I will be on a cover page and probably a billboard and I am glad that this opportunity didn't come when I am old. I mean how would they miss all these? I love being around Ezze so much she makes me so lightened up. She gets me on a treadmill and sets up ten minutes and jokes around and tells me to run as if I am chasing my dreams. We needed some music to do add more zeal. The sound system here felt like it was a club. Rodrigo said it's soundproof so we put a volume we thought to be medium, as much it was soundproof we wouldn't put it to maximum volume.

She was raising weights and you would think she is going to fight someone in an hour or so. I don't remember the last time I sweat and today I discovered that I still have some water in my body since for the last two days or was it three I haven't really drunk water. We did some aerobics and I felt like I lost 5kgs and all of them were from my chest. It was so heavy before we came in here. "I will shower from the bathroom in here and you can use the one in our room," Ezze suggests as she wipes sweat from her face with a towel. All the food I ate wasn't in my body, I am so hungry and if I start considering going to the gym on the regular my one-week shopping will last three days or less.

I don't know if I will remember my way back to it since this mansion had so many rooms and I might find myself lost. I just know the gym and our room was on the same floor. I might bump into Rodriguez and he will show me the way anyway. A music room in here for what? Having money at times is tiresome you have to use it. He must have a family since it doesn't seem right being in this big house alone with about 5 workers.

After touring the whole floor I don't see anyone but eventually, I find my way to the room I take my shower. I didn't think of the fact that I will feel sore tomorrow and that might make me miss out on some things. I hadn't done much so I hope it won't be worse than I think. Ezze was back and we went to have our dinner. We toured at least half the place and this is the type of house I want when I grow up. But such a big house without people in it would make me feel lonelier. Ted walks in and we engage in conversations and just like Ezze, he is a funny lad. He gives us a story of him growing up and how he dropped out of university to choose this path and I hope he isn't giving my story too. My parents would fly me back to New York anyway unless I chose to run away. We went to his office and it was decorated with trophies won in some major competitions he took in and he had the first designs he designs that made him who he is now in a corner. There were about three mannequins and they were dressed in outfits. Working here was such a beautiful thing. Whenever you want to give up you stare at the trophies at the designs and some quotes around and you get up and keep striving.

His brand was in collaboration with Kathleen Everdeen's and they were to shoot in their best cities. Ted gave me a handout with several poses in it since he knew I am not close to a professional model and I would just have the handout for preparation. There was a recreation of the inferno thing and it would be shot by the big and better camera lens and very professional photographers.

Ezze was giving me the respect I deserved and the bed was also very big for us to not bother each other. Unlike yesterday I was so sleepy, the bed itself was so cozy that sleep came automatically

A new day it was, I was in a jet and we are flying to Cincinnati. We arrive and first things first were the shooting. Make-up and the dressing were done by two dudes. Whatever clothes I wore, made me feel like my body shouldn't wear the clothes I had home anymore. Stunning, everything was so perfect. We had nailed it and I never thought I would enjoy taking photos. The cameras they used were worth so many dollars and I would see my pretty self and I admired myself. I can't wait for the copy of that cover magazine.

We go back to change and Ezze's phone was left on the couch and I finished changing before her. A text pops up and I see 'There is a big issue here, call me via this line and I will explain it all. I was getting so relaxed and I forgo we are trying to cover up my boyfriend's death. Something has gone wrong and now I am fucked up. What if the plan doesn't work since he is already saying there is a big issue. I thought I was actually handling it well until I realized that we didn't really solve the issue.

She walks in and I know that the look on my face shows everything. I am holding her phone as I shake my head tears almost coming out but I can't mess this make-up. She takes it and sees the text on the lock screen and she immediately dials the number. I don't want to hear it but it looks like I have to.

"The airport police are asking for more evidence saying that this is not clear enough. They need her to show up and testify in an hour otherwise they will take it to court. I might lose my job you know, last time I told you that it was the first and last and if I do this one and they find out I took charge in another then my career is gone."

Ezze stammers and she seemed confused, "I know I promised that I will never put you in such a position but you have to help me in this one. How much do you need? We are in a different city right now shooting for a fashion brand you know I won the Gala show last week so we had a trip. Please find out another way to do this. Please." Ezze is begging this guy and I am now losing hope.

Us not showing up in an hour will look like we are trying to escape and will make them doubt us. I am still young to serve a jail term. How will we interrupt this trip to go back and not attract suspicion? No way. Ezze didn't seem to be stressed out the other day but today, she was walking in the room scratching her head. You would think she is the one that committed the crime.

"I am telling you the way this seems I might not be able to pull some strings this time." The policeman doesn't want to do it.

"But the other was the one that did sound so complicated but we made it. Come on, I will come through for you later, talk to your other colleague I am sure she will figure something out." Ezze doesn't seize to plead with him.

"Okay, I will try to convince them that we have run a thorough check on the evidence and when I refer him to her she will confirm. If that call doesn't save you then I don't know what will. But I will give my best shot, you came through for me." He is on loudspeaker but we turned the volume down so no one could hear.

At this point, I don't know which news shock me the most, that there mightn't be a way for clearing the mess without going to court or that there was another incident like this that happened. My fingers are crossed right now and I hope the airport police get convinced with the evidence. I would feel some certain relaxation once the body was out of Greece. This means that the case will be buried and the only digging that might happen is only in Greece. They wouldn't start resending the body so that they follow up with the story. We have to go back and put on some normal faces regardless of what we felt inside. This is a task that needs a lot of skill. A message notification pops up and it reads 'she has agreed to do it but the price has gone higher and she wants it paid in a week's time. The extra money I had I paid Mar's ticket which he didn't even get to use. I check my account and actually, it seems like he did cancel the plane while I was packing, and getting a refund is now hopeful. The problem is that it's not enough. That can be solved later the biggest problem has an assurance of being solved so the rest can wait as we figure out what to do next. We get back to enjoy our vacation and we are yet to have lunch and attend a conference meeting. There are some companies and brands that might need one to sign a contract if interested. I didn't have enough time to think but I did sign for part-time contract and it would be mostly when I am free. This was a life I didn't want to miss, adventures were a consideration that led me here. This was a great weekend and we were to get back home. The trip back home made my mind flooded with thoughts.

We left without a bag but we are back with bags full of gifts and I love this life. Derek doesn't seem so pleased to see us. When Bartram and Devon were so excited to see what it is that we are carrying and were so eager to see the photos. We had to give a storytime of the experience we had and Ezze explains with so much zeal. "Would you please shut up or go have your stories outside somewhere else" Derek opens up his envious soul.

"Look at this jealous soul, you can go to another room if you don't want to hear. You don't live here alone." Ezze claps back at him and I know that this is going to get real in a few minutes.

"Well matter of fact you can leave this place and go get your place since you are already a star. In fact, you can get a new place and go live together happily ever after. That's enough privacy, right? The words are been thrown and it is about to go down.

"Oh, you want to go there right, you know I can afford to stay at my place but I want to be here and you also know that you can't chase me away right? Or do you need some reminding? Do you? Ezze is really getting to him.

Derek doesn't say anything and Ezze is like "I thought so too".

"What are you guys hiding from us? Derek, what does she mean?" Devon demands.

"I need some space, so let me go have my time," says Derek as he gets up and Devon stands up and blocks his way and pushes him and Derek falls on the couch. Looks like I am causing chaos everywhere I am. Devon is quite big physically and he looks like he can beat him. Devon is already talking of betrayal and says that he is the one that will actually leave the house if his own brother has secrets he puts from him. "If you want to know then sit down and listen to the story since you asked for it. Or Ezze do you want to tell them since that was your aim" Derek is ranting. "You do remember Sophie right. We broke up yes but she had played me with some dude from class and I was so mad. I caught her red-handed and I ended up taking one of the bottles I picked and I was to hit that ugly boy but Sophie blocked it and so I ended up hitting her. She fell and her head hit the ground and she started bleeding instantly. In a minute's time, we didn't even feel her pulse she was gone. The ugly guy had witnessed all this and so I had to do away with him. We made it seem like they were both fighting and they ended up killing each other. So what Ezze did was help me make up the story since she knows a few cops and she does pull her strings so well."

I can't lie, the first time I saw him I noticed those lonely eyes. I saw he was interested in me and he has tried to show it in indirect ways. Did I notice something because I would end up being like him? I now know it was Derek and I feel relieved somehow. I don't know why but I didn't feel scared as I was. It's something you can live with and survive some nights and days. The first ones are the hardest though.

I wait for Devon and Bartram's reaction and they aren't shocked. Devon is just asking why he didn't let him know he would have been by his side and helped him through this. I am tempted to think which type of friends I am around but I am also part of them. So killing someone isn't so much a big deal. Derek is looking at me and he says, "I am not the person that maybe you thought of me to be". I want to tell him that we have no difference, it was also accidental but I feel Ezze's eyes on me and I tell him nothing has changed after I have known the news.

"As long as you didn't mean to do it, then it's okay. Mistakes do happen all the time don't they?" I still don't understand who I am trying to convince. Am I really speaking to Derek or am I telling myself?

He must be relieved after letting it out of his chest. I knowing saying those words is so hard a task. I don't know how he dealt with grieving, I will ask him later as I try to show empathy and tell him that I still see him as one of my great friends and I will have some tips on how to deal with it.

There is school and an internship to attend from tomorrow morning and I want to miss the classes. I don't have enough time to set my mind back to focusing on my studies. So many thoughts are clogging my mind and I want enough time to clear my mind.

I see a text from my dad after he tried face timing and he says 'the body has arrived and his family isn't doing so well. The funeral is in two days and if you want to attend I will send you money for your ticket. He was so close to you I know, he needs a proper send-off. He was a nice guy, everyone in our estate can confirm that. Let me know by the end of the day what you decide.' I don't want to attend the funeral, I don't want to face his family. I don't want to see the sadness I caused by saving my life and defending myself.

Bartram is the one preparing dinner and I go rest a bit. It is a busy week ahead. I have to get more clothes and I will ask Bart to take me back to my place so that I can get more clothes. I will go back at one point but that point wasn't so close. I feel like I should tell Bart since he wouldn't judge me I have seen their reaction to Devon's confession. I think I should wait until the story gets fully buried.

I don't know why I called Ezze as the first person instead of Bart since he is the one I have known longer than the others and we had also been bonding so much. There is something in Ezze that makes me attracted to her and then there is something in me that tells me not to try anything. I have never been interested in girls or even thought of it but she was attractive and had a passion that was so over the board. She also didn't seem to be the person to have one specific partner. I am not controlling nor possessive but I can't stand people who don't find you enough. Isn't she happy that no one will stop her from going on trips with me? Love is a poison and it never leaves once you consume it. I don't know if I was capable of loving again. Maritim was so great and he was my first love. I go to my gallery and check all our photos together. I will never see his smile again.

It's a Monday morning and I need to be in class. I have to get busy so I would limit the thoughts in my head. My mate would help me through this, I had much to cover to get up to date. There is a way people were looking at me this morning and I remembered that I was with Ezze and we worked together and won one of the greatest awards of the year. Ezze was admired by many girls of course and somehow I began feeling some type of way. I wasn't interested in girls anyway so it's just a feeling that will go away soon.

It is Maritim's burial and my family is so pissed at me for failing to go to his send-off. As much I was needed to be there I don't think his family would be pleased by my presence. How do you attend a burial of someone you did send off in the first place? I did have the courtesy to at least sit for a while and say some words to him. I did light a candle and said everything I had to say to him. I decided to use all the good memories of us that we swore to never forget. I mightn't have been here physically but I did connect with his soul. This is the last time I will get to communicate with him and I had to make sure it is long enough to last forever.

"I didn't know you were interested in girls" I find Derek in the living room. "Neither did I" I answer him back.

"Where's your boyfriend anyway, does he know he will get dumped for her? I don't see a ring on your finger, I recognized it's the same one as his when you knelt to see if he is fine the other day. I wanted to wait so that I can make you mine but Ezze has got you in all the ways. I knew that ex-boyfriend or is it boyfriend of yours will go and be out of the story eventually." he tries to say it in some tone so it doesn't seem like it's a big thing to him.

"So how long did it take you to move on? If you really loved her that much how did you grieve?" I asked since he was trying to remind me of something I didn't need reminding.

He didn't skip the grieving process, he says it almost made him take away his own life since it was a big regret to live with. But he did hear of a voice in his head promising light at the end of the tunnel. I don't think he has seen that light yet but I think he is yet to see it since he believes in it so much. He also thinks that I and Ezze have had a special intimate moment but after I tried giving it a shot at the gym she somehow dodged. I won't explain that to him right now but I was finding myself thinking of Ezze most times. I need to check on her and say thanks again since if the funeral has already happened then the story is buried too until someone revives it like Derek was trying to do.

I have familiarized myself with the mansion now and I go to Ezze's room. I find her trying to do a sketch as she listens to music. I haven't come to discuss any matter regarding her business but I need her to know I appreciate it a lot.

"I did that for you since I like you very much. After helping Derek I promised not to do that again but then you called me. I don't know why I was the first person you chose to call but I was glad that you did. I knew you had also helped me win and I wouldn't be this far in my career if you didn't come through. I do feel some guilt, I won't lie but I know everyone is capable of making a mistake." She had put her pencil down but I would help her through after this conversation. "At times I break down, mostly after I helped Derek. I didn't take up covering one that was a mistake but I helped cover up one that was intentional. It also makes me see love in a different way, I have never got into that depth of love and I am afraid of getting there now."

Keeping such a secret is a hard thing that will bother you for some time. Ezze is so brave but I have seen a weak side of her today. Some mistakes we make are not only heavy for us but for the ones that love us. They see our dark side but act like they don't pay attention to it. There are no words that can really make her forget what she helped her take part in so instead of saying it I just offer to help her complete the sketching.

She gives me an idea of what she is visualizing and we do several sketches to combine them. Can't she see that there is a way I look at her nowadays or she isn't interested in me anymore? The best I can keep doing is keep that smile on her face since sometimes I know she breaks down for what she helped do.

"I have a lecture in an hour's time are you having any today?" she asks reminding me of my responsibilities. I wanted to be around her and see her smile and didn't mind missing the class.

"Have any feelings towards me changed? The Ezze I know would have taken the chance, especially that day on the trip and the gym." I ask her.

"Absolutely not! I just want you to have your time first. I want you to know what you are doing and not just for the sake. I know you loved him very much and I need you to rush. At the same time, I am trying to keep it professional although it's hard. There isn't a time I look into those eyes and not want to kiss them. You are a dime and I want to keep you in whatever way possible." she takes my palm and rubs it with her thumb.

I did feel something for her but that time Mar was there and now he isn't. I also know that my feelings for Ezze will go away since I have never found a girl attractive nor wanted much to do with one. So I go prepare myself and we will leave later for school. The freedom here is so nice that you can go to class at any time you please. I get in the car and she drives off. No one speaks to the other since there isn't much to say and it is so absurd.

I find that my hand is hurting and I am unable to take part in my shift well. My right hand is doing most of the work and if I overdo it I will end up hurting it too much. It was a pain as if I was injected something. It came in waves it will hurt and then stops. Especially the part between the shoulder and elbow then it goes down to the fingers. I don't remember anything I carried that was extremely heavy and more so a while ago I was fine. Has it to do with the burial taking place today and me missing it? Is this phase one of haunting? Derek didn't involve this part and I didn't ask if it was serious enough to cause physical pain. My concentration here started fading away and this hand was the cause. I didn't mistakenly inject myself with anything while I am here.

I am now sleepy and it is the type of sleep that is so hard to resist. I had another thirty minutes to go and I can't ask for permission just when I am back from my one-week leave. There is a drug I can use to make me active for the next hour until I am home and it has no effects whatsoever. My workmate, asks if I am sure I can't beat the sleep for another forty minutes and it is really carrying me away. Looks like my body is behaving so weird today. We are so busy and I am sent to the nursing side to go help out and my mate goes on labeling the medicines taking them to the pharmacy.