A Group of Idiots Win a War Somehow

Alarms were blazing as I jumped out of my bunk, our unit had stopped just outside the shields of the enemy capital. The final operation of the war would soon be taking place.

"Haiz! At least put some pants on before we go to the briefing," my somehow chubby bunkmate Jendu was giving me a strange look while sliding into his scaley black and yellow mana vest, the signature look of our division. "No time for that soldier!" I yelled back while bolting into the hallway. I could feel his shocked gaze on the back of my neck as I ran.

Dashing into the briefing room, I could see dozens of soldiers seated around a holographic display table portraying a demonic-looking black-obsidian fortress, with tall spiraling towers enclosing around a blood-red glass dome. Next to the table was our commander, a tall bearded man with excessively long hair, how he gets away with that hair in the military I'll never know.

Jendu rushed in moments after me, his footsteps shockingly quiet for his size, however, the noise he made while bumping into me got some attention. A couple of soldiers looked towards him as he entered the room, only to do a double-take as they spotted me... pantsless.

I announced my presence to the mobile commander. "Haiz, soldier B-112, present for briefing," the commander turned around and immediately the determined smile on his face disappeared.

"You may be present for briefing but it would seem your briefs are not present… Haiz, where are your pants?" "They are unimportant sir," I say while determinedly pounding my hand against my heart in salute.

"... I disagree, anyways. The enemy seems to have caught wind of us, they've moved the remainder of their special mage unit into the capital building to protect their king, we have a covert team breaching their shields through a tunnel network as we speak."

His eyes scan across the room, making sure everyone is present, a strained smile on his face as his gaze comes across his best and most backward soldier pantsless. The commander understands the seriousness of this situation, as do I, which is why attending this meeting came before putting on any coverings.

He let out an exacerbated sigh and looked back at the hologram, "Once the shields are down we'll send the ground force out to the front, they'll storm the entrance of the capital and keep the bulk of their fighters busy, the infiltration unit will move in through the East, there should be a service entrance much closer to the throne room. While our intel from previous battles suggests the king will send his elite forces out to the front, we've lost contact with our scouts on the Eastern side of the capital as of last week, so be ready for anything."

I looked around for Draondle and Callus, the other two members of our squad, and found them sitting right across from us, Draondle was laughing his ass off and flashed me a thumbs up. Callus took a moment to examine my lack of pants, before deciding nothing was unusual and turning back to the commander.

Jendu raised his hand and began recapping the intel before the commander could even so much as turn around and notice. "To reconfirm our primary objective, we capture the Qo'en king… alive, correct?" The commander doesn't seem to mind Jendu speaking out of turn, he already has to deal with me after all.

He looks up at the ceiling with a grim smile, "Yes, we capture him alive, we need him to disable whatever it is preventing us from leaving… I know it'll be hard not to 'accidentally' kill the bastard in the heat of battle, but for the sake of us leaving, please don't."

Many of the older soldiers in the room stared at the hologram with solemn determination, while the younger ones who weren't as accustomed to war shut their eyes tight and lowered their heads. We're all like family, albeit violent, dangerous, and... what was the word? Nonfunctional? None of us were looking forward to losing more of our friends in the fast-approaching battle, regardless of how great the results of it might be.

We've been through hell to even be given this opportunity, and the chance of failure at their special units alone is high. All the genetic experimentation and painful drugs better be worth it. "We mobilize in 5, pants- I mean suit up," the commander remarks as he claps his hands together, trying his best to look as far away from me as possible.

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A few minutes pass and everyone in the command center has gathered outside, fully armored up. Thanks to centuries of genetic experimentation, we all have special abilities, similar to the Qo'en, though much more limited in their application.

The human "soul" is only capable of manifesting a single ability, and a single weapon. While other soldiers get fun things like elemental manipulation, ranged physical decay, and an armament of powerful weapons, I got...well, an indestructible and slightly customizable… shovel.

My perception of time also slows down in combat. Although this combo makes me an incredibly effective fighter, I hate it, why did I get a shovel?! Give me explosions o-or something!!?

"Haiz! Your unit's already out by the ridge, why are you still over here with the ground team?" The commander looked pissed~ "SORRY SIR, I WAS SPACING OFF!" I yelled while sprinting away from the commander's fury as quickly as possible.

Me being pantsless at the briefing is one thing, but being late during an operation puts lives at risk, and if there's one thing the commander hates more than bald people and the enemy (who at this point may as well be interchangeable), it's needless casualties in his squad.

I see the figure of a tall dark-haired man with a stubble sitting over on some rocks near the ridge. Draondle looks over to me and hops off the small orange boulder he was sitting on, "What held you up?" I gazed longingly at the sky, taking in his words, "I was thinking about what could've been." He cracked up in a smile as we began the 2-mile walk to the entry point.

"Does your shovel seriously piss you off that much?" I nodded vigorously in response, his face suddenly turning into a frown "Wait I was actually right? Your shovel... really? I think you're pretty damn good with it!" Draondle said enthusiastically. I gave him a cold glare, "Your words of encouragement will never heal my wound." I could hear Jendu sigh while Draondle started chuckling.

Callus stayed quiet and moved just ahead of the group. This special infiltration unit is made up of only four people. I'm a melee ability user, Jendu is ranged, Draondle handles defense, and Callus, our leader- "Two guards ahead", Callus quietly announces to us, raising his hands to surround us with a soft blue light.

Callus is a short and stocky man with a very noble face that absolutely doesn't match his dwarf-like appearance, he's in his early 30's, just a little older than the rest of us. He has mastery over a variety of supporting abilities, he's rare in the sense that his ability has several different skills making it up, his cold and rational demeanor made him the perfect person to lead this merry band of hopeless idiots.

Though if I had something other than a shovel I'd most certainly be in charge of the group. Believe it or not, I'm oftentimes the brains of the group, though that may contradict absolutely everything that I've ever done.

The fortress was even more imposing up close, massive black walls with red scarring marks along the side stretched out to the sky, with weird symbols visible along the grey steel ridges supporting its frame, a bit of the red dome just barely peaking out at the top.

"Haiz, you see anything weird?" Draondle whispers. I look around with my ability, allowing me to poke my head up and examine more, without the risk of being spotted from keeping a part of me out of cover for minutes at a time.

"Over there, bloodstains on the rocks off to our far east... I think we found our missing scouts." Jendu had a sad look on his face, "I knew it... Tom's gone, anything we can bring back to his family?" I couldn't bring myself to answer his question, just shaking my head.

Callus cut in, "Any cameras, they definitely know someone's coming through this side, though maybe not when." Snapping back to the mission, I look around the walls, roof, fauna, all of our surroundings looking for the mounted half-orbs the enemy often watches us through. "I don't see any," I whispered. Callus's face became a little less tense upon hearing that.

Jendu readies his sniper rifle, "I'm all set... let's get this over with." Callus readies a buff that removes the sound from any objects around us for 30 seconds, while I slow my perception of time and prepare to tap Jendu's shoulder when he's good to fire. Though he's more than skilled enough to make the shot without me, a little help never hurt.

The sound-removing buff makes us silent as well, which can make communicating a pain as we have to switch to lip-reading and sign language. I still remember the first time this skill accidentally screwed us over, a good learning experience for sure, the missions were a lot less complicated back then.

The two sulfurous-looking guards conveniently swap spots every 20 minutes or so, an impractical guarding routine that made it possible to silently take out both at once with a single shot, bourn from culture rather than intelligence.

We've gone through this routine a hundred times before, two guards, no witnesses, no noise. I began to focus, my perception of time slowing to a crawl as the guards began walking past each other.

Right as their yellow mountainous-looking heads crossed, I tapped Jendu's shoulder, and just like that, both of them collapsed in a yellow splatter without making so much as a whisper.

We descended from the stony ridge, Draondle laughing stupidly at his own muted jokes as we approach the door... there's no way in hell we're surviving this.

Inside the massive black and red capital building, we rushed to the throne room in silence, avoiding all detection while taking out anyone who may later be of risk to our ground forces.

Suddenly a garbled message comes in over our comms, "Pull back to the front, there was an ambush! We can't hold them here if we're all dead!"

"The commander sounds desperate..." Draondle says with an annoyed tone, turning his head towards Callus and I to give instructions, "There shouldn't be too many around the throne room, Jendu's ranged attacks won't be of much help here, and he's a sitting duck without me, you and Callus finish the mission." "Are you sure?" I give him a stern look as Jendu cuts in "We'll call you if we need help, Callus has his speed buff so you should be able to make up the lost time if we need the help."

I look him in the eyes hesitantly, "Don't die on us..." We all give a nod, knowing this may very well be the end of our lives and our group, Jendu rushes in to give me a hug, as Draondle and Callus quickly join, before heading off in separate directions.

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Callus and I finally arrived at the massive pure-white door to the throne room, pushing it open we were immediately hit with a wave of unease. The king of the Qo'en people was right in front of us, a ruthless murderer with an unnerving smirk, dozens of Qo'en servants are transporting gear out of the throne room through a small hidden tunnel next to the throne, the king must have been planning to escape.

To his side stood a single man, Du'n'yk, the most powerful military commander in their army. If we want the king… we're going to have to perform a miracle.

Callus gives me a worrying look and very slowly opens his mouth to speak, sheer dread emanating in his voice, "Haiz… this is going to be dangerous without the other two, I'll put everything I have into a speed and damage buff for you, we'll have to rely on your ability for this. This could easily go very. very. wrong."

"You don't need to tell me that… I'm more worried about you, you're practically defenseless." Callus looked down in silence, "Don't worry about me, even if I die, finish the mission, if this goes wrong, take care of the others." I could feel the sadness radiating from his voice as he'd all but given up, choosing to put us and the mission first.

A silent, and determined nod was all I could manage. The throne room was lined with crusted ebony brick, massive red pillars with carved out golden characters I couldn't comprehend, blue carpets stretch out to a dignified man, adorned in jewels and robes, standing at around 7' tall.

Next to him was the aforementioned Du'n'yk, a magician who'd claimed the lives of an entire division earlier on in the war. Clad in black armor and holding his signature staff, a red cape drooping over one shoulder, he turns and speaks to us in the near-perfect English he's learned after 500 years of torturing our soldiers.

"I thought they weren't coming?" His narrow red eyes gleaming with blood lust, what did he mean by that? Did he strategize this... were we secretly observed, no, if that was it he'd know we were coming. Is there an entirely different meaning to his words? As I felt Callus's buffs activate, I decided I don't have the leeway to think, and dashed in at full speed.

'WHAM', within a fraction of a second I'd rocketed in and struck its crusty head with my shovel, or so I thought… "Hmmm, it appears this generation is even faster than the last. Or maybe it's just you? The others from your age group weren't nearly as fast." He began laughing as he said this, the king whose eyes were wide from the shock of seeing me dash out like a bullet had now calmed down, seeing his soldier had everything under control. Meanwhile, I was becoming increasingly angry as Du'n'yk held me up by my skull.

"Permission to finish them my lord?" The tall, red-eyed, yellow-skinned monster asked without so much as a glance back to his king.

"*^#!%@", the emperor softly replies back, a devious grin spreading across his mountainous head. Although I don't understand their language, I have a pretty good guess as to what it means, my biggest hint is having my head squeezed as I'm thrown into the wall.

"GAHhh, owww- that's just not right", I grimace and wipe the blood off my face, Callus runs in to help me up, only to immediately stop as Du'n'yk propels himself in at full speed, time seems to slow down.

With the speed boost, and my heightened reflexes, I just barely have an edge over him in speed… but it won't last, he's several men stronger than me, the moment the buffs wear off I'm finished.

Striking with the fastest flurry of blows I can muster, I just hear a repetitive tinging sound as my attacks bounce harmlessly off of his armor, I swing at him from every angle while utilizing my best footwork, I'd occasionally throw in a punch or kick while rotating in the air to bring up momentum for my next shovel strike.

After half a minute of watching me dash and flip around in a torrent of dangerous silver streaks, hard kicks, and complicated maneuvers that could only be pulled off with my slowed perception of time and tens of thousands of hours of training, and more hard kicks, he decides to show off.

Despite being ancient, he's moving with far more grace than I could ever hope to achieve, dodging every thrust, swing, and blow by impossibly small margins. Completely controlling the pace of the battle despite only defending.

I can only manage to bruise his cheek and cut his hand throughout this whole exchange. My buff's rapidly running out.

'PHOOM', in one swift motion he snatches my neck, his other hand up in the air, balled up, giving me the foulest smirk I've ever seen as he slams it down on my back. I could only muster a painful gasp, I'd lost terribly. He once again raises his arms to strike, my ribs are completely broken, my shoulder dislocated, this is it...

Just before Du'n'yk could deliver the final blow, Callus stabs him in the back through a small slit in his armor, using the last of his ability he yelled "I'M NOT LETTING YOU TAKE ANOTHER!!"

... there was a loud crack, with a pained look on his face, Du'n'yk had snapped the knife out of Callus's hand and broken his wrist. Raising his staff up to Callus's stomach, he muttered a few unknown words as a beam of plasma fired through him.

As his body dropped, unconscious, Du'n'yk turns to me, "Why do you humans have to be so aggravating, know your place and die by my hand." Just as he raises his staff up to fire into me, there's a thunderous noise as Du'n'yk collapses.

I look over and see the king's horrified expression, when I turn and look the other way I see Jendu rushing over, sniper in hand. "Oh god! Are you guys okay!? Hey- hey Callus, Callus? Wake up pal… he's still breathing." Draondle rushed in not too far behind to take down the king while Jendu checked us for wounds.

I look over to him, all the strength leaving my body as I realize we're all safe, "What brings ya to these parts, you should probably leave, there's a war going on here y'know." I joked with a painful expression on my face.

Jendu busted out laughing for a moment before quickly reigning himself in, Draondle on the other hand overheard my joke and wouldn't shut up. The king's eyes darting around wildly as he tried to figure out what the hell was happening, all of his pompousness over-taken by fear as he gazed up at the red-dome ceiling covered in stained glass artwork of strange demonic beats. Hoping for a last-ditch rescue that never came.

I looked over at Jendu who was propping up the now half-conscious Callus, "So I take it you guys showed up and smashed the ambush?" The smile on Jendu's face faded immediately.

"They discovered a leak in our comms, there was no ambush, turns out the rocky bastards had been watching our base moving in for a while now, they compiled information on all of our forces and tried figuring out how we'd be doing what, and with who. Our scouts getting caught by the Eastern entrance, closest to the throne room, and our squad's history, made the who, how, and what very easy."

I would've felt far more concerned had we not just captured their leader, "So aside from that, what happened?" Draondle decided to take up the spotlight while we all gradually walked back to the frontlines. "Basically, they aren't omniscient, they couldn't narrow the infiltration force down to just us, so other people actively fighting in the ground force got the doctored message too, the moment we showed up the commander had us head back."

I bumped into the edge of a pillar and staggered on my feet, getting caught by Draondle, I glared at the king being held by the head in his other arm.

"Thanks, so if we all went back like they thought we would, the king would've escaped through that tunnel?" Draondle and Jendu both flashed a smile and nodded, though Draondle's smile was noticeably more arrogant. Jendu spoke up again "Who knew us being a bunch of insubordinate idiots would work out for once?" "I sure as hell didn't" Callus mumbled half asleep.

Shortly after our troops took out the remaining enemy forces, the king was taken into custody and "questioned" for information on how to leave the planet.

It turns out this was just a planetary phenomenon they have no control over. All those men lost, all those aliens killed, over a misunderstanding that no one bothered to rectify. If it weren't for how evil the Qo'en acted throughout the whole process, and the fact they never once even tried to correct us or find out why we were attacking, I might've felt horrible about everything I'd done, hell, I'm not even sure I don't.

I wonder who decided it was their fault to begin with? I guess if there's power to be obtained everyone just goes along with it, with the king under our control a massive effort to wipe history and bring their population under the control of a puppet regime took place. It was successful to say the least. I didn't care too much, I was always interested in history and somewhat expected this once we'd won, though the problem we faced being a natural phenomenon certainly wasn't something I saw coming.

Though as I grew older I started wondering why I even cared about leaving, I suppose youth makes the prospect of traveling to faraway lands much more appealing, no matter how I tried looking at it, I was born and raised here, this was home. Did I invade my own home then? That's kinda funny.