[ List ]

Contrary to the policeman earlier, I'm surely not a good person.

Yes, I don't want to cause trouble to others, but that is because of my own good. Personally, I'd like to stay away from everyone as much as possible. If they come closer to me, I'd smile and talk, but I'd definitely put up an invisible wall between us. There is no way for me to open up and discuss my issues with anyone. For me, a trusted relationship is just so hard, it's impossible. And no, I have not consult a psychologist. The fact that I have to open up to someone to solve my problems and then pay them feels like a rip off to me.

Afterall, my issues are so selfish, other people would view it and laugh at me for being such a child for keeping those feelings inside of me. Personally, I think that they would laugh about it with some other people. If I could, I would bottle my thoughts up and throw them away like trash, or grind them in a grinder, and discard them into a dump.

I know more than anyone that I am not a good person. I hold a grudge exceedingly long, to the point that I keep a list of those who have done me wrongly. And the list itself is by no mean small. It has a lot of names of the people whom I just despise from the bottom of my heart.

When I talked to those people, on the outside, I would say that things are fine and they are forgiven for what they did to me in the past. I would laugh at them and even say jokes about what happened. On the inside, my heart just feel empty and contempt. I curse them over and over again for what they did. The only thing is that I am never strong enough to stand face to face with them to solve the issues. Each and every time I joke about what happened to make those people feel happy or to feel less heavy, I feel disgusted in myself.

I live with a mask. And it works well. If only the mask doesn't have thorns on the inside whenever I put it on.

The list used to be kept in a hidden compartment in my old room, along with some adult materials that all people would have. Now, after moving into my new room, it has been laminated and put right on my desk so that I can look at it whenever I study. The thing is actually my sole purpose to improve my life.

On top of the list is none other than a family I used to live with.

I still remember the day I told my parents that I was about to leave the house for good.

"I have received the letter of acceptance from the National University. I'll be moving out."

I said that to him while having my breakfast with bacon and eggs. I did it myself to my own liking so they were quite delicious and to the doneness that I liked.

I recall making a delighted face when I told him that, while expecting nothing from him. Since the National University (or N.U for short) was a place where only the best could attend, it was quite an achievement. N.U was a general university, but many of the famous politicians and doctors and scientists came from there.

"Hm...what?...Oh really! Good! Really good. You did good, Shi! A good university means a good future. You can even suprass your old man here!"

That was my dad's voice. He said his words of congratulations while looking at the morning newspaper. His words were encouraging but his attitude was indifferent. His eyes through the pair of reading glasses focused on the stock market section as always. My father was a sales advisor for our family company. He was about 60 at the time I moved out. Well, that was only a couple of months ago so he should still be about 60 right now.

He was a good man, always provided for his family. He did a little bit of drinking, but that was it. At least, I never heard he had a mistress despite being still handsome and rich. Honestly, for someone who was 60, the man was looking quite great. His hair was not that gray at all. Rather, he looked like someone in their 50s.

"That's great news! How about we celebrate your acceptance with something good tonight, Shi?"

That was my stepmother.

Hearing my words, she turned her head back while cleaning the dishes. She was a beautiful lady. Caring, loving, she was a good mother and a good wife for her daughter and her husband. To me, she was always trying to to do her best as an acquaintance.

"No need, Mother, I will go out with my friends tonight. I will be back home late so please do lock the door. I will bring my own key."

I smiled at her. I have perfected the smile after practicing in front of the mirror thousands and thousands of times thanks to movies and pictures. The Internet surely has everything that you would need to live.

"Oh. I wanted all of us to have a nice family dinner once in a while! Too bad!"

She looks a bit down after my answer. If only I cared.

"Haha! Sorry about that. I'm always doing cram school and sports so that I could get better credits."

That was a lie. I took cram school to escape from the house. It was just suffocating at home, even when I was in my own room.

"Don't worry, Shi! Thanks to all of that, now you are going to the National University."

My step mother tried to lighten up the conversation. Very nice save.

And then, someone else from the other end of the table said.

"Hey, hey big bro! Can I come?"

That was my stepsister. She was cute, twintails, big eyes, small nose. Eastern physique cranked to the best options. My stepsister was a hotgirl. She was not the brightest girl but she did not have a lot of difficulties in learning. With her easy going personality, around her was always swarmed with people who were either looking to be her boyfriend or to be noticed by her.

And because of that, her reputation always came first. She needed to maintain an image at all times, otherwise it would make her look bad. Unlike me, she had and has a better future.

"Why?"

"I just want to come. Is it possible?"

"No. Sorry, this is a man's only party."

That was another lie. I just did not want to talk to her more than the random conversation at home. Talking like this alone was already tiresome to me. I would have rather to go outside somewhere alone like a library or something.

"Oh man! I wish I could come with you."

She started to sulk a little.

In the case of a normal, doting brother, one would probably ask why. In my case. I digressed.

"Oh! Just look at the time! I need to go grab the lastest volume of a novel."

Then, I quickly finished my meal, brought them to the washing basin, and started doing my dishes.

"You can leave them here for me. I'm in the middle of cleaning them afterall."

My stepmother told me so.

"Please, Mother, I am old enough. And I am moving out also. I should learn to take care of myself rather than bothering you."

Again, I smiled, continuing my business.

"You have really grown up, haven't you Shi?" She said.

"Of course, Mother."

"I remember back in the days..."

"Haha. No need to do that. We all know the past was in the past. I'm a different person now."

I said nonchalantly but sped up the cleaning. In my head, I was getting uncomfortable.

"Big bro í a really dependable person now. He even helped me with my homework everyday."

And I hated every single second of it.

"You know what we look like guys?"

My father put down his newspaper and said to the others.

"We look like a good family I always hoped for. A beutiful wife and daughter and a smart son. This is what I aimed for all my life. You should be hoping for the same thing, Shi. Money, power, doesn't matter. At the end of the day, you want to come home with your loving family members. That is what create happiness!"

He gave me a lecture, too. And it was getting on my nerves. The disgust in my body increased even more.

"Thanks, Father, I'll remember that."

I nodded with enthusiasm and went out right after putting the dishes back in the cupboard.