Chapter 16

I actually wake up and I'm still in the gym, however I have a blanket over me so someone has been in here with me at some point. I sit up and bring my legs towards my chest and pop my head on my knees. What on earth do these dreams mean? Why am I telling myself I need to go and then slitting my own throat? Why would I be dreaming that before Jangmi was taken? I think I need some professional help, am I going mad? Is this some weird post natal depression kicking in? I need to tell Lori. She has always been so good at helping me piece together my crazy thoughts in the past, and most of the time was better than the people with the degrees in psychology I was sent to see.

I walk out into the hallway dragging my blanket behind me like Linus from Charlie Brown and hear talking coming from the music studio to my left. It sounds like Namjoon and someone else, I can't make out who it is, I need to get closer to the door to be sure. I creep up and put my head against the dark wood to listen. "You need to give her a break brother, you are being really unfair to her, she is just trying to make sense of things. Talk to her rationally and tell her how you are feeling. Don't bottle up your thoughts, it's making you crazy. She is such a wonderful girl and you are so lucky to have her, don't lose her because you think showing her your vulnerable will make her love you less! If you keep accusing her of being involved in her own Daughters abduction or wanting to leave you she will run eventually, who would put up with that long term Nam?" Whoever this is talking is making sense, but for the life of me I can't tell who it is.

"I love her so much Tae, I don't want to lose her, I know she doesn't have anything to do with this really, and i'm pretty sure she doesn't want to leave me. I just can't get my head right and i'm saying all the wrong things. I'm so angry that Jangmi still isn't home, we are missing out on bonding time with her and I bet she has already grown and changed so much. What if she never comes back? How will we get through that? I feel totally useless and I should be supporting Aimee and being strong but I am barely functioning". Joonie starts to cry, and I feel awful for listening, but i'm so glad that i've heard what he has said. We are both clearly struggling and like the saying goes you hurt the ones you love the most.

The other voice that I now realise is Taehyung replies and says "it's ok Namjoon, let it out. You don't always have to be the strong one, let us be that for you now. Lean on us, we are all here. You have got to tell Aimee what's going on in your head though and what you are really feeling. You can't hide it from her without you ending up screaming at each other and falling out, which none of us want, and to be fair, that's probably what those psycho's are hoping for".

That sentence has given me an idea. I need to speak to Lori. I pad passed the entrance to the studio hoping not to be heard eves dropping and search the house for my bestie. I find her in her room, she is sitting on the bed flicking through pictures of Yeong on her phone. I don't want her to be going through this too but I can't help but feel relieved that we are both in the same boat and completely understand how the other is feeling. She holds her arms out to me and I go and sit on the bed next to her for a hug.

I explain the newest dream to her and ask her opinion on it. "Well it's certainly escalated, they are getting increasingly aggressive but the fact that you saw yourself in the hood this time is intriguing. Are you having suicidal thoughts again?" she asks concern on her face at my possible response. "No, I'm not. I am devastated at what we are going through and extremely sad but I will not let them get the better of me and I will be here for my baby when she comes home. I feel strong, I know i'm going to get through this and we are all going to be happy again".

"Ok then, if it's not suicidal thoughts manifesting in a strange way then what could it be? You subconsciously wanting to kill a part of your personality? Your intuition giving us a solution to our problem? Is your brain telling you 'you have got to go' because you are not happy with Joon or in Korea?" She asks.

I don't need any time to think about that last bit, I confidently reply "I'm definitely happy in my marriage and living in Korea so it's not that. Maybe it is my mind processing my desire lately for all things naughty to reappear, I mean the 2 men I had a sex dream about were in the latest one, and they were acting very dark, I suppose it could be that, but, I overheard Joon talking to Tae downstairs and Tae said something that gave me an idea, and it sort of fits. Let me explain".