Chapter Nine: Meresin

I am murrain. I am Pestilence. Like all Devils, I have many names, but I prefer Meresin, if one is to address me directly. Which is rare. I dislike being addressed. I wasn't interested.

I was interested in the universes of the infinitely small. I saw planets inside molecules, powerful and clever, surprising and dramatic. They danced as celestial bodies did. There were stories in the very small places. After existing in a black void for so long, I felt a kinship with the very small. I felt that if I studied the least studied things that I would find a map somehow. I thought that if I understood the fabric of the universe that I could somehow tear it open. Since I could not kill myself, I thought, there must be another way.

It was on this quest that I discovered lines of bacterium could be rewritten. My understanding of the very small lead me to understanding viruses. That's how I became Pestilence.

Mirroring the discoveries in human world, it was an accident. Viruses were like a glitch that were able to slip through the Veil. They aren't living or dead. I saw myself as an angelic scientist. An alchemist. It was a breakthrough for spreading negative energy throughout the world. I invented the Black Plague. I thought if I couldn't kill myself personally, then a different way to do it was to snuff out all the human consciousnesses of the world. If the universe, God itself, was purely human consciousness-- then a way to destroy it was to wipe them out completely with disease.

This, of course, didn't work and only backfired when humans discovered hygiene and penicillin. A setback for humanity is usually also a win. Never have viruses been so well understood as they are now.

Once leaving the Void, I decided to keep myself small for the purposes of science. I never sinned against man in the very beginning-- I never took a wife. I also never merged with any of my brothers nor took their knowledge. I never consumed another consciousness nor took in anything unnecessary to my existence. Since a great deal of Earth time had passed and I never changed as an entity since the beginning, I wanted to keep it that way. My brothers saw me as being very private, secretive, distrustful. Perhaps this is so. But, we are all Devils-- so we are inherently against one another as well. Besides, so many of my brother's soul purpose is to become large, as large as God-- as to only confront the creator. I decided my purpose was to be the opposite: small, as small as can be. Maybe then God will forget that I was created and that will release me from Hell.

My suspicions were justified. Since I exited the Void, Azazel has bothered me no less than a dozen times in an effort to find a way to consume my consciousness. I felt dubious of my brother's plot to become the largest consciousness possible. It doesn't work. It hasn't worked. Every God, Goddess, angel, corporation, government, what-have-you has tried this and none has become most dominant. I wanted to be left alone to find my own way.

My view on things changed when Penemue asked me to consume him.

He found me. This was surprising because I usually make myself impossible to find on purpose. I keep my identity small. Nearly no human on Earth knows my name to summon me. I feed off the negativity from a very select group. I want my signature to be air, my vibration undetectable. I keep my footprint black as night. I often mirror energy so the human or consciousness searching for me only sees themselves. I know every trick. Yet, he found me.

Since humanities recovery over the Black Death, I decided to study the makeup of the survivors. I took interest in the humans that had bodies strong enough to either resist or defeat my creation. Azazel calls them my lab rats. I wanted to know what made them special, what made them tick? When Penemue found me, I was in Eastern Europe in what was known in the modern era as Ukraine. The year was 1667 and I was still baffled over how the human race survived my plague. I had much to learn.

It was a trying time in the small village in the region of Podolia. Cossack and Tartar riders were invading under the leadership of Hetman Doroshenko. The family I had been studying decided to flee the region. I was surprised when, in the middle of the night, the young family of four decided to take their one horse and cart and head north.

It was autumn and I knew my family likely didn't have enough food for the winter. If they were to survive the uprisings, travel across country, and evade the raiders by staying off the main trade routes, they were going to need someone to intervene.

I followed them as they trudged uphill. The mother and child rose the family's old horse as father and son walked ahead. In order to keep the family going financially I infected the father's father with plague, as so he was set to inherent money and property. I wasn't going to let the family fail, even if they decide to take risks and travel in a time of war.

I was so preoccupied with their survival that I scarcely noticed Penemue's sudden appearance. He appeared alongside me as we made our way through the pine forest. Wolves howled in the distance and I could feel the mother's apprehension as she squeezed her young child tight.

"Brother," Penemue said. There was no introduction. He didn't follow protocol, which was to send an envoy, first. Usually, this would be seen as offensive. However, I could immediately feel my brother's intentions. He was not here to quarrel. He was coming to me as family, as brother, as an angel. We did not know one another well, as I never went out of my way to know my fallen brothers. Since they were out of sight of God, I simply figured they were wicked. Why would I want anything to do with forces that were only set out to destroy creation? The only sibling I spoke to regularly was one that couldn't be avoided: Azazel. He came to me, I did not go to him.

I also wasn't in the business of making deals. Often times, my brothers make contracts with one another or with humans so they have set pathways for energy to consume. I keep to my small families for energy. Thus, there is no need for my brothers to speak to me. So, what did Penemue want? I was curious, not angry.

"May I have a word?" Penemue asked. "In private, if you please."

I am not large could not devote too much of my energy to keeping my family safe. I had to leave them to the literal wolves as so I could devote my attention to Penemue. I did not mind, for I felt my own sibling was more of a priority. If my 'lab rat' family were to die then I would just have to move on and study another family of plague survivors. I vanished from the gravel road deep in the pine forest, leaving my small family utterly alone and afraid.

I allowed Penemue to choose the place. If it were up to me, we would have met in the Void. But, as a decent host, I wanted my brother comfortable as he seemed distressed. I could feel Penemue choose somewhere by the sea on a beach. I followed him to his place. It was a deserted island, with nothing but sand, stones, and white sea birds circling by.

Before Penemue spoke, he offered me a preliminary bundle of information. I unloaded the basket of information and found that he was sad, profoundly sad. He had been sad a long long time and was considering being consumed to silence his pain. He immediately considered Azazel as to be his host, since it was the most logical. Our consciousnesses evolved from Azazel-- the brother of beginnings and endings. Then, he realized that it would be total madness. He felt he did not mesh well with Azazel, and thought I-- above all brothers, would understand this.

Azazel is Lucifer, the first light. I have come to be known as Azazel's shadow, the polar opposite magnetic vibration to his. We were ripped apart, like positive and negative charges. He is bright as I am dark. He is large as I am small. In Azazel's made up language of astrology, we are twins represented in the Gemini constellations. I understood Penemue's natural revulsion to joining with Azazel again. It just seemed wrong.

"You can say no," said Penemue as he stood before me on the small, lonely island. I looked around at the sea. Penemue took a simple shape, tall and humanoid. He didn't want to look human, just as I did not prefer a human avatar. We felt rejected by God and poison to humanity. All that felt safe was us together, on a far away island. We couldn't hurt anyone here. I felt like I could let my guard down. I felt like crying, too.

"I don't... I don't want to say no," I said, in regards to ending his pain. I didn't want to say yes, either. I wanted to stay 'pure,' whatever that means. I was already evil by definition. I couldn't get more tainted. So, what hurt could consuming him do? We didn't even know if it lessened one's pain, because the consciousness still existed. They could still be summoned if called upon by name. What's the point? My brother asking me something in earnest felt like I was asking that thing in earnest, somewhere inside, too. We were interconnected.

I could also feel what he wanted me to say. He wanted to be comforted by someone, anyone. I felt myself tighten. I felt like pulling on all my walls and drawing myself close. I did not want to comfort him. Who was there to comfort me? We were all turned away. All we had was one another, and we were each other's enemies. This was a war that none of us were coming out alive.

All we had was one another.

I could feel it. Penemue wanted me to reach for him. But, I had no arms. He had no arms either with which to embrace. All He wanted was a hug. So, I reached for him. With no arms and only darkness to hold, I tugged away my instinct to repel him. I did not change into a human form, instead I embraced him with smoke and fog to hold him. Penemue did not resist. I thought he would. The moment I changed my motivation to kindness I felt a jolt of resistance, as if surprise. Penemue went to the coldest, most distant entity in the universe for comfort. Yet, I could not bring myself to hurt him. I did not want to hurt anymore, either. I could not inflict not one more second of disease on someone.

I felt here, alone on this island, we can be free to love our brothers.

"Look into my eyes," I said as I formed a countenance for him to look into. As Penemue stared into the black, shiny eyes onto the ghostly formed face, I consumed his soul.