Alone (Dastan)

The old man has been pissed at me all week. He's sitting across the room from me staring at his phone like a love struck teenage boy. Apparently, Kiera's been ignoring his texts since Monday and he is not okay without his little amnesiac. It's appalling how co-dependent they've become. While I was in London I knew things had gone to shit but this is absolutely out-of-hand. How he let it get this bad is beyond me.

She's like a parasite. She's infected my family and she's slowly draining the life out of them. The fact that Zia is so attached to her is especially troubling. She young and impressionable and Kiera isn't the best role model. She's barely a functional person anymore.

It's not like she was always like this. There was time when Kiera was the brightest light in any room. She was smart, and funny, and people gravitated toward her the way planets rotate around the sun. She had such a strong appeal and once she lured you in, you were hooked. Like a drug. That was what happened to me. I became addicted and she used that against me. She knew that she didn't feel the same way about me but she let me fall anyway and she had no intention of catching me. When the dust finally settled, there was nothing left for me here. Nothing except for her, but she wasn't mine. She'll never be mine and I'm okay with that. I dodged a bullet with that one because now she's an absolute nutter.

Dad checks his phone again. I have to bite down on my back teeth to keep from snapping at him to forget about that head case and spend some time focusing on his kids. He still hasn't even gotten around to asking me why I've come back to the US. I haven't volunteered the information either because I'm waiting to see how long it takes him to figure out there's more going on here. Some detective he is.

He's not a bad father. Actually, he was the best father I could've asked for growing up but all that changed the moment Kiera survived that break in. She's ruined my life in so many ways and somehow everyone's cast me as the villain.

I know Emma thinks I'm being unfair to her. She cornered me at Zia's party to grill me about why I'd bring my girlfriend here knowing that it might affect Kiera. As if my entire life is based off the mental state of  my unhinged ex-girlfriend. Obviously, Emma didn't appreciate my honesty on the matter. She gave me a glare that could've curdled milk and use a few choice words she definitely didn't know three years ago.

Mom and Dad weren't any better. They tried to play neutral for a bit. That lasted all of a few hours. Mom gave me a piece of her mind during the party on Saturday. She basically told me she raised me better than this and Kiera didn't deserve to be treated that way. I wonder if she'd have said that about how Kiera treated me the day she stomped my heart into the pavement. Dad chewed me out later that night. After the little show she put on in the kitchen, he gave me the 'you're my son and I love you but you're wrong' speech. What a load of bullshit.

Anne wasn't any help either. She'd gotten it into her head that I was hiding something more and that's why I never told her about Kiera. Yeah sweetheart, I was hiding a literally crazy ex-girlfriend. I just never thought it necessary to bare my soul to Anne when we both knew whatever it was we had wouldn't last once I moved back home. That time has come, but Anne doesn't look like she's ready to accept that this has reached its natural conclusion. I figure if this whole thing with Kiera last Saturday will at least have the added benefit of putting some kind of hesitation or doubt in Anne's mind about us then all the better.

My phone chirps in the pocket of my grey sweats, I pull it out and see a text from Theo. He's my best friend. We met my first week in London, and we basically just decided to adopt each other. The text reads: 'How's everything going back in the colony? Miss you, hot stuff! Xxx.' He tacked on a kiss emoji and a fire emoji on the end. Ah, I've missed him too, more than I realized apparently because now I have this sudden urge to call him. I just want to speak to one person who's gonna take my side and tell me that I'm not wrong for feeling this way. I wish I'd brought Theo with me instead of Anne.

I know it sounds awful but Theo's always been much more understanding. Besides, Anne has expectations of me that she knows I've never intended on living up to. She cast me in the role of white knight in her little love story and that's not who I am. She thought that she could make me see that falling in love again was worth it if it meant falling in love with her. But I don't think anyone could change my mind about that. Not after Kiera. I gave her the best of me and she took it all and threw it back in my face. It wasn't enough for her. I wasn't enough. There's not a part of me she hasn't poisoned and destroyed. It's what she does and somehow I'm the only one that's seen it.

Before I've made the conscious decision to move I'm making my way across the room to the door. As I pass my dad he checks his phone again. "Give it a rest junkie." I say but don't wait for a response. I catch the stiffening of his shoulders and that's enough for me to know he's about to give me the 'I'm worried about Kiera' spiel I heard him giving mom this morning. He's pathetic.

Outside the weather's warm while somehow still carrying a slight bite. It's supposed to be summer but this city is always one rainy day away from the dead of winter. I prefer winter. Maybe, it's because I've grown so accustomed to the cold in England but this actually feels like a pretty warm summer. I plop down on the front steps and dial Theo. He picks up after two rings. It takes a few seconds for the call to connect but then I see Theo's sandy brown hair, and green eyes. He's dressed for dinner with his family. I know this because the only time Theo would ever be caught dead in traditional formalwear is when he's forced to endure a few hours with his homophobic parents at their god awful club. He looks almost unrecognizable with his usually unruly curls brushed back severely from his aristocratic face and he's missing his signature eyeliner. What's more disconcerting is fact that there's not a hint of sparkle on him. I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing him like this, it's like he becomes a whole other person. I hate that he's forced to hide so much of himself around people who are supposed to love him unconditionally.

"Hello, my love," he hums at me his voice rich and soothing like honey on my wounds.

"Hey, Theo" I smile and it's probably my first genuine smile all weekend. He hears it because he fixes me with a probing stare.

"What's wrong?" he asks seriously, and that's all it takes for me to crack. I let out a heavy sigh and launch into a play-by-play of everything that's happened since I arrived back home. I don't skim on details. Theo's the only one of my new friends that knows all the gory details of my life before London. He knows everything about Kiera and my issues with dad. He's never judged me for any of it and I've always been grateful for that. He's the only one who understands how it is for me to back here after all these years. Every year since I left I've made excuses about why I'm too busy to fly home for the summer, birthdays, Christmases, thanksgivings, all of it. Now, I've decided to stop running. Mostly, because Theo was convinced it's been long enough and I've healed. Apparently, he was wrong. All it took was me seeing Kiera again to bring all that venom and malice back to the surface. I'm not proud of it but it's not like she didn't deserve it. Theo can understand that better than anyone else around me and while he doesn't approve he also didn't turn me into the villain for doing it.

"So, now you're basically arguing with everyone and she just dipped and has them all worried?" he asks. "Because that's a bit of a dick move really. I mean she knows they're all going to be stressed out over how she's doing. If you ask me I think there's more to it than just her being upset over what you said or that she had a batty moment in front of you and Anne."

"What do you mean?" I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion. I'm not sure I know what he's getting at.

"I mean," he says emphatically. "That it seems like maybe Kiera might be more upset about the fact that you came home with this little firecracker on your arm than she is about the fact that you guys saw her in a moment of weakness."

Snorting, I ask; "You think she's jealous?" It comes out sounding incredulous. The idea is so insane I actually want to laugh, "Have you not heard a word I said?"

"Oh, I heard it all babe and we'll come back to what exactly was going through your head when you basically made it seem like you used her until you had your fill because that was messed up" he chastises and I wince. Yeah, that wasn't at all what I'd intended to say but I was just so annoyed with Emma for bringing it up in front of Anne and all I wanted to do was make it all go away. To just keep ignoring it, until it did go away. "But it really just sounds like the thing this bird is hiding from is the fact that you've moved on."

"Yeah, I doubt that. She broke up with me remember?" the wind has gradually picked up in the twenty minutes I've been out here and I shiver in my thin Henley and grey sweatpants. "I was crazy about her for the better part of my life. She knew that and she had her fun with me and when shit got serious she tossed me off like I was nothing." I remind him and I have to swallow the anger burning like acid at the back of my throat.

"I'm aware," he says softer, more sympathetic. "But I really think she might not have expected you to move on and now that you have I think she's more affected than she wants you to know." He offers to explain his reasoning. "I mean, you are a catch and look at those abs," he grins, "she knows she's lost out."  He winks and now I'm laughing. Only Theo could make every situation into an opportunity to flirt with me.

"Remind me again why I thought you'd be any help," I shake my head at him. He grins at me and in this moment I know even if everything is one big travesty, it'll all be okay. "So, you're seeing your parents today?" I change the topic, nodding at his unusual appearance and the smile drops of his face immediately.

My heart twists uncomfortably. I hate Theo's parents. They're extremely traditional and they expect things of him that aren't fair. For all they're faults my parents have always accepted me as I am, no matter what that might look like. Theo doesn't have that luxury and now he's alone half way across the world and there's nothing I can do to make it easier for him. I roughly shove my hair back, the straight strands flop back onto my forehead instantaneously. We spend the next hour talking about his parents and this stupid dinner with a family friend whose daughter they're trying to set him up with as if that's going to change who he is. I wish I could take him away from it all. But that's not up to me.

By the time I head back inside, everyone's gone about their days and I'm alone again. Just me. That seems to be a theme in my life: always alone. Never good enough to make anyone stay.