What Do I Have To Lose?

My phone buzzes and I snap my eyes up from the notes I've been making for the last hour. Reaching over, I pluck it off the desk. It's a text message. From Connor. It reads:

'Good Morning Beautiful <3'

'So, I was thinking you should let me take you on a real date this weekend.'

I check the time as I feel a smile cracking across my face, my lips splitting impossibly wider. I wonder what brought this on. He'd mentioned taking me out again the other night but I honestly wasn't expecting him to follow through. I wouldn't blame the guy if he never wanted anything to do with me ever again. Saturday should probably be turned into a cautionary tale of what not to do on dates. Connor seemed not to mind but I figured he'd see sense once the adrenaline of almost getting into a brawl with Dastan in the middle of an event for the city's police officers wore off. Apparently not.

'And you were thinking this at 6:23 because…???'

I'm evading, I know. But I am a little apprehensive about why exactly he wants to see me again after the fiasco that was our first date. Call me a skeptic but I refuse to believe any sane person would want to do that to themselves more than once, no matter how much they liked someone.

'Do I need an excuse to think of you?' He adds a little wink emoji a second later.

'At this ungodly hour? Yes.'

'Why are you up then?' He shoots back so quickly I think he might've had the response typed and waiting to be sent out. The thought brings a smile to my face. It's all so normal, so unlike anything I've experienced in these last few years that it's a little exciting. Sort of like the way you feel as kid when the person you're crushing on likes you back.

'Working.' I'd woken up at five after a particularly gruesome nightmare that I forgotten almost immediately but I was still far too shaken to go back to bed so I wandered out here and decided to be productive instead. 'You?'

'Working out.' Of course he's the type of person to wake up before the sun rises so he can exercise. I bet he also makes a healthy breakfast that covers all his food groups and gets to work fifteen minutes early so that he can enjoy his Starbucks before the day actually begins. I roll my eyes at the whole picturesque image it all creates in my mind. And then catch myself, why am I this derisive of a person living a completely normal, functional life? Have I slipped so far down the rabbit hole that people who aren't plagued by nightmares, constant anxiety and exhaustion are an anomaly to me? Have I really drifted so far from the regular human experience talhat someone living a perfectly normal life seems weird to me? That Connor's ability to function as a person is something I scoff at... The thought causes a heaviness to settle deep in my bones.

'Yes.' I say then realize he might not know what I'm responding to, 'The date. Yes. I'd love to.' I add a little blushing emoji just to be cute about it. What do I have to lose? It's not like it can get any worse than our first date. Unless, somebody actually drops dead this time. Universe that was not an invitation to see how awful you can make this date! I'm not putting that type of bad mojo out into the world. Please, don't let this date fail harder than the last one.

'Great. I'll see you on Friday night?' He says with a heart emoji. I'm smiling at my phone again. Oh no, this can only mean trouble. I know I shouldn't let myself get too attached to Connor. He might want to stick around but my life wasn't designed for long-term. I should just enjoy this while it lasts so when it unavoidably crashes and burns at least I'll know it was worth it. 'Now, get your pretty little butt back to work. I'll text you details later.' He signs it off with a kiss face emoji.

I love how simple and easy all of my interactions with Connor are. I never find myself in a situation where I'm not comfortable or unsure around him, there's a familiarity with him that I haven't had in a long time. It's intriguing, I've never been good with people. For as long as I cna remember, I've always been socially awkward, an inroevert but with Connor it's different. He's fun and comforting and easy to talk to, I might like him. I know it definitely can't go anywhere because I don't do relationships, I'm not in the right head spacs for that but I do like him and I do want to spend time with him. There's something calming about his presence; soothing.

I lock my phone and place it face down on the desk. I've been letting myself get way too distracted recently. I've got to get my head in the game, I've been sitting on this lead for almost three weeks and have made no progress beyond putting together a timeline that confirms multiple 911 calls from the neighborhoods around my parents' old house that say there was a strange man stumbling down the street covered in something that looked like blood.

From the calls I managed to get transcripts of I figured he was traveling on foot. It seemed like he was trying to hide in the residential area which, if he was involved in my family's murder, would make sense. The last place the police would look for someone who just killed three people and attempted to kill another would be in their neighbor's garage. Making himself inconspicuous would have been a smart move. He could have blended in and discreetly found his way out without attracting too much negative attention from the cops.

Now I just need to speak to these people who reported seeing him so that I can piece together a detailed enough sketch to be able to track him down. All I need is a name and I'm sure I can puzzle out the rest. I don't know what I'll do if this turns out to be the man that actually hurt my family, but I know I want him to pay, he should suffer for it.

I wonder if catching him will give me the closure I need to put all this behind me. Maybe, catching him will be the catalyst that unlocks my repressed memories. What if once I know I've done what I can to bring their murderer to justice, my mind finally allows me the peace of being able to remember the most crucial piece of my history. It's wishful thinking. I know that it doesn't work that way but a girl can dream can't she?

I'd been making a list of all the people who made 911 calls or later reported seeing a strange man in the area that night during canvassing so that I can contact them. So far I've got six people which is a solid lead. I finally feel like I'm making progress even if it is just the first steps. It's better than nothing. One of those people is bound to remember something useful, it's just a matter of finding it. And I will find it, I have to. Whatever it takes.

I've got to figure this out. There's so much riding in it now: my future, my memories, my life. There's nothing left for me to lose, I have to do this.