Breaking Consciousness

The insistent ringing of my cellphone breaks into my consciousness and forces me back to reality. Casting a glance around myself, I feel my heart pound as the realization that I don't know where I am sinks in. Panic slowly creeps up my spine coiling like a fist around my lungs. The ringing once again grabs my attention and I pull my cellphone from my pocket, noting I don't have a handbag or a coat on me. Crap, I hope I just wandered off without it and it hasn't actually been stolen.

Taking a deep breath I click the answer symbol on the screen expecting it to be Emma, she must have noticed I wasn't where I'm supposed to be. My voice shakes as I say hello but I'm beyond attempting to control it. I just hope I didn't lose too much time, normally it's only a few hours maybe less, but with the way I've been struggling with the nightmares recently I wouldn't be surprised if it's been days or even weeks.

"What happened?" Dastan sharp voice cuts through my thoughts and I stop breathing entirely for a moment, pulling the phone away from my ear to check the caller ID. I blow out a tired breath and squeeze my eyes shut when I see that it is in fact Dastan calling and not Emma. When I take too long to respond, he speaks again. "Kiera," he asks, there's an edge of uncertainty and concern in his tone.

"I'm fine," I say automatically, trying to reassure him but my voice is still shaky and even I hear how harsh my breaths come and the note of hysteria dancing just beneath the surface.

"You don't sound fine," his voice is strained and from the sound of it he's stuck in traffic somewhere. I focus on the sounds in the background and attempt to time my heartbeats against each of Dastan's steady breaths. "What's wrong?"

It takes just a moment of deliberation for me to decide I might as well let him help. It would be easier than hanging up and immediately calling Emma, plus this way is safer. There's no predicting when, if at all, another episode could hit. "I don't know where I am," I say, the words quiet and small. My voice quivers and I hate it. Dastan let's out a string of expletives and then blows out a rough breath.

"I need you to do something for me," he says in the same way he speaks to Zia when she's upset. A part of me wants to bristle at it but the other part of me appreciates that he's trying to be helpful. "Look around and tell me what you see."

I glance around me, I'm standing on a sidewalk in what appears to be a busy neighborhood. There are mostly brownstones from what I can tell, and the area seems nicer than most of the places I've found myself in when I dissociate. I tell him all of that, going as far as to describe the trees and plants I see around me. "Okay, do you see any stores around you?"

I nod, then realize he can't see me. "Yes," I say hesitantly, not entirely sure what that has to do with anything.

"Go in there and hand your phone to the first employee you see." He says, in that same gentle tone. I've finally started to calm down enough that I have the sense to question him even as I start walking toward the little Bodega on the corner of the street

"Why?" I ask, looking both ways and crossing right as a cab speeds by. The people walking down the street cast me weary glances and I wonder what I must look like right now.

I hear him smile, or sense it, I guess, as he says; "Because they're going to tell me where you are." Right. I nod again, as I push through the front door of the store and go straight up to the register where a girl probably around my age, maybe a little older stands behind the counter.

"One sec," I tell Dastan, before pulling the phone slightly away from my mouth to speak to the cashier. "Hi, sorry, can you please do me favor?" I rush out in one breath. Her eyes come up to me, and widen exponentially and again I'm struck with the thought that I probably look like hell.

She runs dainty fingers stacked with silver rings through her blue black hair and nods, "Yeah, sure. Of course." She nods again and now I'm sure I must look like I've just stumbled out of three years in captivity with a psychopath or something. I hand her my phone with a polite smile and listen to the details she gives in response to Dastan's questions. I don't really recognize the directions she gives, having not driven in three years but I know enough about the city to wager I'm somewhere close to Greenwich. When she hands back my phone, her eyes hold a hint of worry and I offer her a genuine smile hoping she knows I haven't just escaped from a looney bin.

"So did you figure out where I am?" I ask, taking a step off to the side so I'm no longer blocking the front counter. Dastan makes a low humming sound, seeming kind of distracted. "Do you want to tell me so I can get back home?" I prompt.

"No," he says, and I'm about to ask what exactly he expects me to do if he won't tell me where I am when he continues, "I'm coming to get you."

"You don't have to do that, I'm fine." He makes another non-committal sound and I can almost hear the way his eyes roll. I want to argue but I don't have the energy to fight with him right now. Having calmed down in now acutely aware of the weakness in my limbs, the frigid cold turning my fingers numb and the way my vision seems to spot with black. Again, I wonder how long I've been out of it because it seems like I might not have eaten or drunk anything in a while.

"I don't care, stay exactly where you are I'm coming for you." Dastan's voice is harsh but he doesn't hang up like I'm expecting him to. Instead, he just repeats a reassuring string of nonsense that I'm pretty sure he doesn't even realize is coming out of his mouth. More than once he says 'It's going to be okay," and "I've got you." It makes my throat constrict a little but I refuse to cry. This is why I didn't want to start any kind of relationship with Dastan, it's so easy for the lines between us to blur. He always gives too much of himself and I have always been selfish, and greedy and taken more than I should have.

The girl behind the counter glances my way every few minutes, she doesn't say anything though I can tell she wants to. I can practically see the questions swirling behind the wire frames of her glasses. I wish she'd just ask and put us both out of our misery but instead she just watches me, cautious to not stare too long and I feel her eyes against my skin like a thousand crawling insects, I hate it and just when I think I've had just about enough and decide to leave; I hear the screech of tires from outside.

Glancing through the window, I see Haider's SUV just as it comes to a stop outside the store and then Dastan is barreling out of the cab into the bodega. I barely have a moment to comprehend what I'm seeing before he's in front of me and pulling me into the circle of his arms. I try reassuring him I'm fine, saying it over and over, but he just holds onto me like he's scared I'll float away when he let's go.

Eventually, he takes a step back cupping my face in his hands to get a better look at me. His eyes burn my skin and I say again, if only to have something to focus other than the way he's looking at me; "I'm fine."

The look he gives me tells me he thinks I'm the furthest thing from fine but he just says, "You're shaking like a leaf," before running his hands up and down my arms in an effort to warm me up. I feel my bottom lip start to tremble, he notices too and immediately pulls me back into his embrace. I inhale his scent and steady myself against his body, I shouldn't allow this, it's too personal but like I said I'm selfish and greedy and I'll take what he gives me.

Dastan turns to the girl behind the register and thanks her for her help and for keeping an eye on me, well that explains why she kept watching me, and then ushers me out the door and into the passenger side of Haider's car. He cranks up the heat and we drive home in silence, the whole time all I can think about is the memory that's been playing in the back of my mind since I came to on that sidewalk, and I have so many questions and I don't know where to start looking for answers.