It was over before it even began

I feel stupid and I feel like my feelings are valid but people say I overreact sometimes so please validate me when I say this.

I feel like I'm third wheeling in my own relationship. Let me explain;

Every single date starts off good and then someone interrupts and throws the whole vibe off. I like attention especially in my romantic relationships. The attention is non-existent. I am not even interested anymore. After a while when we started I thought things would get better but they have stayed the same. He seems to have more chemistry with everyone. It's kinda annoying. I'm clearly a selfish person. I thought I put that out there. It bothers me how close him and Lorel are. If this is how it is then he should have just been with her. I don't know why I'm in a relationship with someone who wants my friend and not me. It's very hard to look at.

I kinda feel like a stupid person for entertaining it but for some reason I feel like I'm wrong and right. Other than Lorel I hate Anthony. Anthony is always there even for our private dates. He's somewhere close by because he "needs to be there" I don't believe that. I never noticed all the shit he does for Macius but it's a lot. The guy even cuts his food! What the hell? It's not like Macius is incapable, Anthony always insists to an maddening degree. He does so much shit for him it's kinda overwhelming.

It's not even just him or Lorel, it's Daniela too. I never thought I would feel this way towards Daniela but I'm jealous. Like I said it's like he's got chemistry with everyone. Even his ex. I started this relationship in a spiteful mindset but that melted away and all I feel is shitty. I'm starting to hate how outside I feel in my relationship and no one has noticed. Most of the time they all start talking because they sometimes are in the same spaces with each other and have their own inside jokes and I'm just sitting there awkwardly smiling eating my lunch wishing the bell would ring already. Sometimes I daze off and since I feel kinda iced out I read or study.

I would rather excuse myself and go wander down the hallway. I don't like this anymore. Is the universe punishing me? I feel like it is. I probably deserve it though I'm a horrible person to be honest.

Today I got tired of sitting there and I wandered to the back of the school. I only knew one person who's always there who I have no trust in.

"What are you doing here?" Saintclair asked, glaring at me almost hissing. I raised my vape to show I mean no harm. "Oh."

I finally feel kinda calm now. These days I feel sort of calm when I'm home in my room or away from them.

"So what's with you hanging out with the Royal pains?"

"Huh?"

"These days you're always with Macius and his royal band of friends who seem stuck up as hell which is why I never pushed to be friends with them. I thought you had your own group thing?"

"Oh yeah, uh just made friends with him so we just transitioned over there." I smiled.

"I don't know, I heard this a while ago but a while ago he and Daniela used to date. It's not far-fetched. Their relationship makes a lot more sense than what she got going on with Chantelle. I wouldn't be surprised if she wants him back. They can make some strong royal ties when it comes down to it and you kn-"

"Shut up!" This wasn't helping with the jitters I was feeling. I didn't like what I was hearing and it was fueling my insecurities. He knows nothing and he's unknowingly making things worse. Should I just break this off and save my mental health. Other than the other people tagging along in our relationship he's a really nice guy. He's so sweet and he's good looking but I feel as if I'm not important and because of the boundaries we set it's easy for me to check out of the relationship.

"Oh jealousy I see. Still hung up on Daniela. That's so sweet. Yall been over for so long now." Saintclair snorted at the scowl spread across my face. Sometimes I really wish I could punch this guy so hard I break his jaw. I wasted some time with Staintclair there while he blubbered about random drama before it was almost time to go back to class before the bell rang.

"Where were you?" Lorel asked meeting me in the hallway.

"Somewhere." I joked.

"Where though? You were gone for so long."

"So you noticed." I rolled my eyes.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"I will give you Macius's details later, Stand by." I hate that statement. It gets under my skin everytime and I could feel my left eye twitch. Macius looks at me over his shoulder waving goodbye. Might not see each other this weekend I guess,

"You're being really weird." Daniela says as her face twists in speculation and concern.

"I don't know what you mean." My response to everything is pretend like everything is fine because I only have one problem that came in a set of three.

Should I bring it up again? Maybe I don't know.

"It's press week next week so he's busy this weekend. Don't call. He's busy with media training this weekend."

"I wanted him to call."

"Sorry he's busy." The call cut off in the matter of seconds as fast as it started and I sat there with my jaw clenched.

"Woah! What's up with you?" Laverne comments as she passes by my open room. I forgot I never said anything about my relationship to my siblings. I just never brought it up or thought of it as important for them to know.

"I feel like a third wheel." After I ranted to my sister she turned me over to Kady who I have been avoiding going to. "Like it's so stressful because it feels like it's in my head but at the same time I know what it looks like."

"Have you even talked about it?"

"Yes and I was told It's just an insecurity and I understand that's part of it but like it's not in my head right. Why is he so close to my ex that's his ex, why does he have better chemistry with my friend who he wanted over me and why does his assistant act like he wants to fuck him!?!" I couldn't sit because I felt like I had so much energy from keeping this all inside my head under the guise of being so fine. I'm not fine.

"Zayn this is unhealthy and it seems like you already know that if this is frustrating you this much it's time to break things off. It's not a good thing to stress out over these things especially with exams coming up. Remember our goal? Remember freshman year you said you wanted to be Valedictorian. You're on that road but you have kinda stirred off the track. You're still in the top twenty but you can do so much better. You need to stop going crazy over trivial things."

Yeah, yeah I really have gone far off my goal. I am even underperforming in track and field and that's not like me. I'm just off. I'm still off. I haven't changed a bit since last year. I'm still in the same spot. I just need to actually change. I always think and talk about changing but nothing ever changes. I'm still a flower bud. I could be better but I'm still here. I haven't grown at all. The thing is I don't know how or where to start.

"Zayn here is what's on our goal list right now. Valedictorian, Winning state championship, Cutting off what's holding you back. All your distractions, get rid of them. We have a plan and we're getting there. You need to realize how these things might affect you in the long run. Remember Zayn you're different from all of them. They could pay for it but you have to work for it."

I always go about things wrong and I don't want to make the wrong moves. I figured slowly start hanging out with Daniela and Lorel less and less would soften the blow. It wouldn't be that noticeable and I could get less blow back. I needed to just get everything off my mind. It's not like I'm isolating myself again, I just need space. They never understood the meaning of space. They took that as physical space half the time. As it was press week no one would really press me about it.

Press week was when all the Royals and Political leaders kids would be pestered by the press constantly would have to go to conferences and be asked about different topics. For some it would be more hectic on others depending on who your parents were and their status. I have seen how it is a couple of times when I still followed Daniela around.

I thought maybe with all the time I would be taking back I would split it into time for studying and training. I feel like I have been letting my team down because they started noticing some were snarky and others were trying to be more warm as they thought it was because of their actions. I need to change my attitude. I realized I always look pissed. I need to change that expression. Am I always angry and irritated? Yes but I could have other emotions If I tried like I should pick up something or improve on my other hobbies like my poem writing. It always made me happier even though most of my poems were death related. It's one of the reasons I had a psych evaluation but that's not the point.

I just need to start over.

[I miss you ♥️]

I swear to fucking god if it was Anthony who types that I pulling out and eating my own eyes. It's just not weird, it's annoying. I don't like this anymore. I hate this man writing messages for my boyfriend. It's exhausting. I really do need to get out of this.