Just because I'm gay (the intro)
Just because I'm gay.
Story of a guy who grew to become gay, was disowned by his family and friends, had noone, found love but ended up being played and eventually commited suicide.
I strongly believe in that one mustn't be judged, discriminated or treated badly just because of their sexuality. A person must be allowed to be who they want to be without feeling guilty of their true selves or think "what are people gonna say".
If there are still people like that in this world then this, will never be a comfortable place for everyone to live in. Some people end up hiding who they are just so they can survive and not be harmed nor murdered.
This is a story of a young boy, Anathi Mtolo who grew to know his true self and who he feels comfortable in being.
Anathi.
I am Anathi Mtolo, doing grade 11 at Hillcrest High School, located in Katlehong. I live with my mother, father, grandma who's not well and my younger sister, Sihle, she's in grade 5. My mother is Ntombi and my dad is Bongani. My father always wanted me to grow up, be a family man, have bunch of kids, a wife or probably wives if possible, I've been afraid and intimidated by him so I'd agree with whatever he said even if I wasn't happy with what he had told me to do and my mother always told me to obey my father's rules. My sister and I were never that close, I guess it's because she was younger than me and maybe somehow felt uncomfortable talking to me especially cause I'm a guy. I really have a lot to tell.
It's my first day of Grade 11 and I'm super excited I mean, I'm one step closer to finally finishing high school and I can't afford to get distracted right now. I quickly got ready and took a look at myself at the mirror. "Man, you're really smart and you'll be the best learner, just give it your all," I said to myself confidently. You see the problem is, I really haven't been a good learner, I sometimes bunk classes and my marks aren't always the best but I'm very determined this year. I took my backpack and went to have breakfast. I found mom in the kitchen busy with my sister's lunch for school. My dad is working a night shift and I guess granny is still asleep.
Anathi : hey ma. You good?
Ntombi : hey boy I'm fine. You ready for grade 11?
I could tell by her smile that she was so happy for me.
Anathi : yes I'm ready ma.
Ntombi : and Anathi please I beg you be a good boy at school no more getting into trouble, no more drama. Your dad is already so frustrated and he's probably expecting your worst behaviour so please don't prove him right. Show him you are a good boy and you're smart this year I want you to only get good marks just like your sister, she has never disappointed your father. I know she's still young but still, her marks are much better than yours so please pull up your socks. You promise to be a good boy?
Anathi : I promise.
See, I'm so used to being compared to other people now so I no longer find that offensive.
I had breakfast then went to school, I walk it's not that far, Sihle's school is quite far so she catches a bus to school. When I arrived at school, the gate was closed and there were lot of learners there outside the gate. I spotted Mpilo he's a good friend of mine and most of the time I'm with him.
Anathi : hey man. What's going on here?
Mpilo : well, apparently the gateman is running late. So we are all waiting for him and no teacher has arrived yet.
After some time the gateman came running and apologised for the delay. He opened the gate we got in. We all went to our new classrooms, I was in grade 11E, the Tourism stream so was Mpilo. We settled in. It was a Wednesday so no assembly. The thing with this school is we only attend assembly on Mondays and Fridays only, I guess that's why evil spirits seem to like this school this much but that's a story for another day. I noticed there were few learners not in class then it later crossed my mind that maybe they didn't make it to the next grade.
Mpilo : hey man, you seem deep in thoughts. What's up?
Anathi : nothing major, I just wanna make a huge improvement on myself this year.
Mpilo : tell me about it, that's exactly what my mom kept on lecturing me about these past holidays. So we're in this together.
Anathi : my man!
We fist bumped and smiled. I swear there's no friend like Mpilo he never lets me walk a journey alone he's so supportive and he's really really the best friend ever.
Miss Khambule walked in and we did the greetings. She's the Maths Lit educator. Mpilo whispered in my ear.
Mpilo : I can't believe on our first day, first period we are seeing miss Khambule's ugly face.
I just slightly laughed and Miss Khambule gave me a death stare. We got our very first homework of the year, oh I hate homeworks. Then English followed, then Tourism. After that the bell rang. "Break!!!" My classmates screamed, I swear they are the worst.
Mpilo and I went to the toilets before having lunch.
For lunch we bought fried chips with fatcakes, how much I missed this combo.
Mpilo : I have something to tell you.
Anathi : sure, sup?
Mpilo : remember Amanda?
Anathi : my grade 8 crush?
Mpilo: yeah, we kinda hanging out.
Anathi : kinda??
Mpilo : okay we've been hanging out a lot lately and damn man I think I'm falling for her.
Anathi : then go for her man she won't be available forever.
Mpilo : so you have no problem with that?
Anathi : ah relax, I'm way over her plus it was just a passing fling nothing serious.
Mpilo : oh I'm so relieved I thought you'll see me as a backstabber or something like that.
Anathi : dude chill. And I appreciate you consulting with me first.
Mpilo : only a good friend does that.
Then we fist bumped and continued eating. After some time the bell rang. We went back to our classes. The principal walked in, I looked around, everyone looked to terrified. Our principal, Mr Msomi is so intimidating by just looking at him and he only enters our class if one of us is in deep trouble, so seeing him really shook us off.
Mr Msomi : (he took off his glasses, put them on the table, took out a cloth from his pocket and removed his glasses from the table, wiped the table then put the glasses back to the table, wiped his hands then put the cloth back to his pocket, he looked at us for a while, then cleared this throat) Welcome back learners. Don't look so alarmed. I just have an announcement to make. The school will be hosting a talent show, I'm talking about singing, dancing, poetry, art and all that stuff. So a contribution of R50 will be needed from each learner but actually the money will be from your parents, you'll receive letters later on today regarding this. This show will be in 2 weeks so all those who'd like to participate on that day will go register to Mr Gumede, he's gonna be the one in charge of this event. Oh and if you know you're not good in anything kindly stay at home on that day. Just kidding, y'all will be coming and prizes will be won. Brace yourselves. Now have a good day learners.
He took his glasses, wiped them and put them back on then noexited the classroom. Immediately after he got out everyone started talking about the talent show, I wasn't gonna do anything so I just wrote my homework since no teacher was gonna come in for the remaining periods, they had a very important meeting for 2 whole hours.
Mpilo : hey man, you thinking of participating?
Anathi : ha ha ha dude come on, what am I good at? Nothing so Nah. Maybe you should go register you're quite good in arts.
Mpilo : if you won't be doing anything, so am I.
He then walked to his table. And yes he was dead serious. I mean, I can kinda sing but not good enough to perform in front of people. After what felt like a year, school was out. I walked home, Mpilo takes a taxi home, we don't really live in the same area. I arrived home found ma cooking, mom doesn't work my father forbids that.
Anathi : hey ma.
I then ran to my room. I was starving so I washed my uniform then went to the kitchen.
Ntombi : here's your food. You look really hungry.
Anathi : thanks, you have no idea.
Ntombi : so how was school?
Anathi : um.. just okay.
Ntombi : not too convincing but okay. She went out.
I finished up eating and washed the dishes in the sink.
My father says washing the dishes is a woman's chore but I totally disagree, I actually enjoy the chores categorised as females chores than the males chores.
After dishes I went to my room, went through my today's notes. I'm really gonna have a hard time adapting to this "good boy" lifestyle. I tried my best understanding today's lessons, after the studying I totally dozed off. I was woken up by grandma telling me there's someone at the gate looking for me. "Who could it be?" I asked myself.
I got off bed and went out, to my biggest shock it was Brian. Brian is my classmate but we ain't that close that's why I'm so surprised.
Brian : hey bro, how are you doing?
Anathi : really really good just confused. Don't get me wrong but what brings you here?
Brian : um... You see... Uh ...
Anathi : dude what's up? Fill me in.
Brian : okay, I know you're quite a good singer and I'm also good so how about we collaborate for the school's talent show coming up?
Anathi : are you being for real?
Brian : yeah, why not?
Anathi : look man, I'm really not sure about that. I don't want to be a participant in the show so I'm sorry find someone else.
Brian : at least think about it.
Anathi : (I thought for a while) okay fine, I'll sleep on it.
Brian was about to hug me but I moved away from him and went inside the house. I found grandma watching TV drinking tea.
Grandma : Anathi come sit with me.
Anathi : okay .. this is really awkward.
Grandma : that's because you and I never talk much just like you and your sister.
Anathi : do you know why she hardly talks to me?
Grandma : I think I know the reason behind that.
Anathi : Okay... Tell me then
Grandma : you see Sihle is a rear bread.
Anathi : Meaning?
Grandma : She can see things about you that no one else can see and they're making her really uncomfortable around you.
Anathi : what things? (Beyond confused)
Grandma : only time will tell.
Anathi : Grandma I'm not a patient person and you know that.
Grandma : I can't tell you anything else. But the things Sihle sees about you will definitely tear this family apart.
She then stood up and headed to her room with her tea on her hands. I was left really really confused. What was that about? She's speaking in riddles and I hate that. I went to make myself a sandwich then went to grandma's room. I knocked.
Grandma : come in.
I got in.
Grandma : I hope you're not here to ask me about what I told you.
Anathi : not at all. I haven't seen dad for about 2 days now. Is it still work? And where's mom and Sihle?
Grandma : they went out. You were asleep so they didn't want to bother you, you looked tired.
Anathi : ow, I see.
I then went out. My parents hardly notice me it's like I was adopted or something. I was so bored I just watched TV then after about an hour the door opened.
Anathi : oh you guys are back?
Ntombi : come help me with these plastic bags.
I took the groceries to the kitchen and unpacked everything.
Bongani : how was school? I hope you haven't been up to your stunts again.
Sihle : he didn't do anything wrong today and he isn't planning on doing that.
Ntombi : why are you defending him? How do you know that?
Anathi : she's right ma. I'll be on my best behaviour I've really changed.
Bongani : I hope for your own good you're telling the truth.
Sihle : Baba just relax he's telling the truth.
Ntombi : let me start cooking supper.
Anathi : let me help you with that.
Bongani : (shouting) Anathi! How many times must I tell you that cooking is women's work?
Sihle : dad just let him be, he's destined for this.
Ntombi : what do you mean? He's gonna be a chef? (Laughing) oh come on no son of mine will do that. Come Nathi my boy let's cook before it gets late.
We cooked after that we all ate as a family and I must say, the food mom and I cooked was scrumptious, so mouth watering, I'm a good cook so is mom. Even dad was licking his fingers.
Grandma : mmm that food was so delicious.
Sihle : yoh grandma is right I want another plate,please ma.
Anathi : come I'll dish up some for you.
Bongani : take mine too.
Grandma : mine too.
Ntombi : (laughing) oh Nathi my boy we surely did our thing. Take mine too
Then the rest of us laughed. They ate while I went to bath then I went to bed. I couldn't sleep I just thought about the upcoming school talent show. Should I participate or not? Should I take Brian's offer? Maybe I should. I finally dozed off. I woke up in the morning and got ready for school then I went to have breakfast. I found the whole family gathered in the table waiting for mom to finish with breakfast I guess. I greeted and they greeted back. After few minutes mom came with breakfast.
Ntombi : Anathi go and take the plates.
I stood up and took the plates then we all ate. I finished up then went to school. On my way to school I bumped into Brian.
Brian : hey Nathi. Did you think about what I told you yesterday?
Anathi : yah let's do this.
Brian : (smiling) wise decision my man. We'll bring the prize home.
Anathi : do you know what the prize is?
Brian : they say that's a surprise.
We continued walking to school then got to class. Mpilo tapped my shoulder.
Mpilo : so you're now friends with that freak?
Anathi : what freak?
Mpilo : please don't play dumb with me.
Anathi: you're talking about Brian aren't you?
Mpilo : of course I'm talking about him.
Anathi : well, he's not my friend.
Mpilo : then what's up?
Anathi : we were just discussing this talent show thing. We'll be singing together.
Mpilo : but I thought you weren't interested in that.
Anathi : I changed my mind. Actually it's really no big deal so chill out.
Mpilo : mmm if you say so.
The teacher got in and just as she was about to start the lesson, Amanda, my classmate stood up.
Amanda : we can't start the lesson.
Teacher : why?
Amanda : we have to firstly pray.
Teacher : you know exactly when we pray so sit down you are wasting everyone's time.
Amanda : someone in this class needs this prayer. Please listen to me we must pray.
The teacher just continued teaching, Amanda ran out of class. After a few minutes Lwanda, she's my other classmate she started growling, she was even shaking. We all freaked out others even ran out of class screaming. The teacher went to the principal's office and came back with him.
Lwanda : (shaking) this room is filled with fake people, if you know you're one of them then stop pretending to be someone you're not just because you're afraid of people's thoughts. You know yourself.
She said that and sat down then buried her face on her table. She finally calmed down and everyone settled down. Everything went back to normal as if nothing had happened. During break Lwanda came where Mpilo and I were chilling, having our lunch.
Mpilo : whoa Amanda! Don't come any closer please.
Anathi : Mpilo stop it. So Lwanda what brings you here?
Lwanda : I was talking about you.
Anathi : huh?
Lwanda: you are not being your true self. Accept who you are, it'll be hard for other people to adapt but trust me, you'll find peace. Someone in class likes you but too afraid to tell you that. Bye.
She then went away.
Mpilo : what was that about?
Anathi : ah don't mind her she's probably just bored.
We continued eating but my mind was miles away. I can't be who I think I am, but I just can't shake off this feeling. Who likes me? This isn't making any sense.
I was brought back to Earth by Mpilo waving his hand in a "earth to Anathi" kinda facial expression.
Anathi : ow sorry bro, I was just a little distracted.
Mpilo : I'm tryna tell you about my date with my girl but no you are too occupied to listen to me. What's up? Did what Lwanda say get to you?
Anathi : it's nothing. Let's go back to class before we get detention.
We went back to class, Lwanda gave me a "I meant what I said" kinda look, I just went to occupy my seat. Brian came to me.
Brian : hey. When are we going to start our practising?
The show is next week, remember?
Anathi : oh yah, how about today at 16:00 if you won't be busy.
Brian : sounds good to me. You can come over to my place there's an empty backroom we can use it as our studio.
We both slightly laughed then approved. I sensed Mpilo's jealousy from a distance. The teacher entered and the lesson started. It was quite fun and I loved the following lessons too, all of the sudden I was in a good mood I'm sure everyone noticed.
*
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After school Mpilo just avoided me so I walked with Brian till we went out separate ways. I arrived home and changed into casual wear. My father was watching TV, soccer specifically. I greeted him then went to the kitchen found the three ladies busy with pots, I joined them.
Anathi : Gogo, aren't you supposed to be resting?
Grandma : Yoh not you too. I can manage man please stop all this fussing.
Sihle : but Gogo you're old, we're just worried about you. Are your bones painful?
Ntombi : stop it you two. Mama is fine.
We all laughed, chatted while preparing food. Sihle went to call dad for food. We all ate together as a family, I quickly finished up then told everyone I'm going out.
Bongani : out to where?
Ntombi : awu baba there's no need for that question.
Bongani : I just want to know.
Anathi : I'm going to practise with Brian for the school talent show, we'll be singing together.
Bongani : Singing is not your talent.
Ntombi : Anathi my boy go do whatever you wanna do but don't come home late.
Grandma : No girls please.
Sihle : What girls gogo?
Anathi : that's my cue.
I went out.
*
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Brian's backroom.
Brian : I'm so glad you made it.
Anathi : it's really no big deal. So have you come up with songs we'll cover?
Brian : I actually thought I'll hear from you.
Anathi : how about "How will I know" by Sam Smith?
Brian : mmm that's actually a great idea. I'll take on the soprano you do alto, will that work out for you?
Anathi : sure no problem. Piano, right?
Brian : you know how to play it?
Anathi : I'm not a pro but yeah I try.
Brian : cool stuff! Let's get to it then.
We prepared ourselves then started singing, we kinda flopped at the beginning but we ended up being really good.
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Day of the school's talent show.....
Narrator : everyone was so nervous but still very much excited and couldn't for the show to begin. Just outside the school hall...
Anathi : Do you think we can do this?
Brian : There's only one way to find out.
They went inside the hall and noticed how packed it was then went to join other performers backstage. Anathi spotted Mpilo then waved at him but he didn't wave back he just continued with the conversation he was having with some other girl. Anathi kinda expected that 'cause the past few days had been really awkward between them, it's just silent treatment from Mpilo. Anathi quickly snapped outta it when he heard their names being called out on stage.
Brian : (taking a deep breath) let's do this.
They fist bumped and almost hugged. They went on stage then Anathi played the piano then they sang, their voices sounded so good together so much that the crowd was on its feet clapping and screaming.
Each performance was supposed to be 3 minutes long, they finished and felt confident seeing the crowd's reaction. They then went backstage.
Brian : (smiling uncontrollably, then hugs Anathi) we did it!
Anathi : But we haven't even heard the final verdict.
Brian : Whether we win or not, it doesn't matter. We just make a great team, we should probably do these type of things more often.
Anathi : Yeah ... I suppose.
Brian : you really don't sound too convincing . Am I boring you or maybe didn't you like our performance?
Anathi : it's none of that. Have you by any chance seen Mpilo?
Brian : I've been with you since we got here, if you don't know where he is then how will I know?
Anathi : What's up dude? Did I say anything offensive? Why the sudden change of mood?
Brian : you just don't see it, do you?
Anathi : See what?
Brian : Wow! To think that this whole time I thought the feeling was mutual but you're just tryna ignore it I was actually a fool.
Anathi : Brian you are not making any sense. What are you talking about?
Just before Brian could answer, all the contestants were called to stage.
MC : Without further ado lemme announce the winner of the Hillcrest High School's talent show... Put your hands together and help me congratulate Anathi and Brian!!!!
The crowd went crazy, Brian just broke down and cried out of joy. They went to collect their surprise prize, it was two tickets to Cape Town for a week (everything provided, accommodation included). They both screamed and hugged out of joy they were beyond excited, how they were feeling had no words to describe it.
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First day in Cape Town...
They walked inside their hotel room, it was so breath taking, they just looked around with their mouths wide open out of disbelief of that they'll be staying there for an entire week with no parents beside them.
Brian : Okay Nathi you can now close that mouth of yours, your breath isn't even that good.
Anathi : (laughing) You shut up. This place is stunning, damn what a treat.
Brian : and it's just the two of us, perfect.
Anathi : you'd better not be planning on holding me hostage then later murder me.
Brian : if you don't shut your mouth I might just do that.
Anathi : oops! Sorry. Mouth shut.
Brian : So do you remember on that day of the show after our performance when we were still talking but got disturbed?
Anathi : Yah I do remember and you weren't making any sense.
Brian : I have something to tell you.
Anathi : Now you're freaking me out you just sound so serious.
Brian : that's because this is serious.
Anathi : okay shoot.
Brian : see the thing is ... um.. there's no other way to say this... Nathi I think I'm falling for you.
Anathi : falling for me in what way?
Brian : I really like you, I want to be with you. As in like be my boyfriend.
Anathi : (eyes popped out, out of shock)
Brian : Yes I'm gay.
Anathi : (still no words, just eyes popped out)
Brian : Please say something.
Anathi : um... I had no idea, you don't even show you're gay.
Brian : I'm just not ready to be exposed to the whole world yet.
Anathi : yet you wanna be with me? But I'm not gay.
Brian : What?! Then how is it possible that I've never seen you with a girl before?
Anathi : I'm not that type of guy. I don't like dating.
Brian : That's exactly what I also thought before I realised who I really am. I thought I'm just not into girls yet but later realised that I'm never gonna be into girls. Nathi I can see right through you. You are exactly like me.
Anathi : (raising his voice in total frustration) You're calling me gay? Are you mad? I really think you need some professional help, get out of my way.
Anathi walked out of the room and went to chill at the pool area rewinding what had just happened.
Anathi : (to himself in his thoughts) what if I really like guys but I'm just being in a total denial mode? But that can't happen, my father would definitely kill me. I can't be gay but what about the electric shocks I get everytime Brian and I make a physical contact? I guess only time will tell.