Chapter 4: Thoughts

Ett swallowed hard despite having little to no saliva to swallow. In her head, she was thinking about how to ground this little bird for being easily bribed. 

How did Guren even discover Eru's favourite food when they can only see each other from afar in the novel? Did he see Ett giving treats to Eru somewhere and thought it was Eru's favourite by chance? Was this also changed when she got here? Son of a gun. 

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

"Eru, come here." 

She ignored him. 

Yet she did slightly glance at his right arm enough to know the setting that happened in the novel had been avoided. If something like that happens again, she can't do anything about it. 

Just a tiny change; surely, it won't have any domino effect?

"Mother, are you running away again?" 

Yes, son. I am running away and stopping with that mother's call; it gives me goosebumps. 

"…" 

"The outside is the most dangerous. Mother should think twice." 

Haven't you known that the most dangerous place is also the safest? 

Ett was about to ignore the child again when Xiwen came running, bowing in the lowest bow in their custom, a silent plead for her. 

Yet Ett looked at Xiwen rather plainly. "You will only care for His Majesty." 

"Don't be like that, mother." 

The disgusting sarcasm is dripping ever so thick. 

" Didn't you send him to spy on me? Perhaps, is it to leave this damned cage we all live in?" 

No comment. 

"Your Majesty…" 

"Silence." 

"Mother." 

Mother, that word again. Ett felt instant chills hearing it. She could pull the lever, and this would all be done, but she could not move on her spot. Her heart beats fast as if she were watching a thriller movie. It's far from thrilling!

Calm. Ett, girl, you need to keep calm. 

This time, she did not avoid Guren's gaze and looked straight at him with dead eyes, even though the light from behind could not let her see his expression. Still, Ett was sure it was ice cold. 

Although she's sure Guren won't hurt her, this kid's aura gets on her nerves. Her thoughts and visual image flew back to what the novel depicts him—a vile, monstrous beast. 

Out of the blue, Eru's croaky voice said, "Ett. Ett. He saw. Me. He. Saw. Me." 

"…" 

I don't want to hear anything from you right now.

I…

Something snaps in my head.

What was I supposed to say?

Just his presence seems overwhelming to me. Why? Why are you still staring at me? Girl, be calm. Control. Control.

Ett can't help but breathe deeply, overwhelmed by a vast, tall tower. His shadow and piercing gaze held a sense of foreboding, stifling her breath as her discomfort increased with every second she attempted to calm her heart. She doesn't like this feeling. Something is wro— 

Cough! 

The familiar feeling in her throat rose through her mouth as blood splattered on her handkerchief. Ah? Was my body affected this badly by his presence as well?

"Your Grace!" 

Xiwen frowned. He, of all people, knows most about Ett's coughing fits. In other circumstances, it is due to triggering her emotions.

"I beseech Your Majesty to arrange for the Dowager to have a physician."

But Guren was silent. He just stared at her mother with an unreadable gaze. 

Ett just wants to get out. She can't face Guren that pleasingly. She adjusted well in this place; however, facing him, even though he is a child, makes him uncomfortable. Something is weird.

Is Guren thinking she's just faking it? There's also no way he is stopping her because he's worried about her leaving him. It's more probable to say he doesn't want her usefulness wasted. 

This is not good. Ett fails at a staring contest when she can't see his eyes. Looking at Xiwen, her scapegoat, Ett uttered, "Y-You're secretly helping, cough, him. What are you doing n-now?" 

I'm sorry for gaslighting you. 

"You think I don't know you are loyal to him more than me?" 

"Your Grace…" 

Ett turned back to Guren. 

Do you want to be like your grandfather, locking me up, huh?

Ett swallowed those words. It seemed too harsh to say to a young lad who had suffered as she was in this palace just for an act; however, as if knowing, Guren cocked his head to the side. The light gave way as she saw him mockingly smirk. 

Urk. She swallowed the blood that was about to burst out of her mouth. 

"Mother shouldn't blame the butler." 

"…" 

"More so, why use is it to go outside when they're all coming for your throat?" 

Huh? What should she use outside? 

"You are physically useless except for your head." 

Now that hurts. It's true, but to speak it out loud… 

Ett looked away and muttered, underestimating the villain beyond the sensitivity norm. "I better die in a different place." 

"You're speaking to me." 

Ett pursed her lips and didn't answer him. 

Of course, she knows what he means. 

This empire and the palace belong to him like his second skin. Wherever she goes, even if it's a conquered land and she becomes a vassal, it will always be her resting place as long as it belongs to the Adiand Empire. Still, she wanted to try… Ett didn't think more and pulled the lever. Let her be hopeful and stupid for once. 

Ett backed away. Her hands moved to the lever yet stumbled.

"That!" 

Her back fell on the cold ground; Ett used her arms to lessen the fall, only to grit her teeth at the pain she felt. Too much! It feels like her arm was peeled with a butcher knife. The sensitivity is too great! 

Coug-hmmp.

Hold it. Don't say a word. Hold your tongue, Ett.

Agh, my eyes are becoming blurry.

"Empress Dowager, dear mother…" 

The culprit, Guren drawled, coming in front of her, caging her in his arms as he leaned down. The angle was enough for the light to seep through, making sure they saw each other, mirroring themselves in each other's eyes. 

Guren's strength is too muscular for a child; Ett is inherently weak, and the pressure makes her more helpless. Panic rushed through her as she held the lump in her throat, trying to swallow it down as blood dripped on the side of her lips. 

The scary feeling lingered in Ett's heart as Guren's towering gaze made her feel utterly suppressed, additionally calling her mother. 

She isn't his mother. Never will be. 

This time, Ett realized this crazy kid had already blackened to an unimaginable extent. Guren smiled at her like a crazy psycho manifesting the thought in her mind, chaining her with his vice grip hands. Uncaring at her morbid expression. 

Aiya, what a painful hold! 

"Stay here and help me rule. I'll repay you by finding the person who did this to you." 

I don't even care about that now! Move away!

"L-Let go." 

"You can only be free here." 

Just let me go already… 

Ett looked away. 

Guren had a point; despite that, she couldn't bear to see and be gripped tightly by this…this child! The impact is too much. It makes her rattled. She doesn't want to deal with a dangerous kid! She hasn't even become a royal employee or an intern yet! 

Whereas Guren won't let her go, the people watching looked stoic. She can't ask them for help. It was only Butler Xiwen who looked worried and seemed to be out of his wits. Yet what can this man do? They are at His Majesty's behest. 

Guren snaked his hand on the back of her neck, and with his fingers, he forced Ett to look at him. It was simply showing his dominance to her. 

"Mother." 

The way he says mother makes Ett sick.

She, in all her life, had never felt this chained and overwhelmed by suppression. She doesn't like this feeling. Ett bit her inner cheek, controlling her surging yet inexplicable emotions contorting her already pale face. 

Before Ett could even raise her trembling hand to push him away, the lump of blood she was suppressing the moment she felt trapped couldn't be prevented anymore and stained Guren's night clothes. Her whole body trembled. It looks like she has been holding back more than she could. 

"C-Cold."

Her body softened, and her vision turned dark. 

"Bvstard. Ett. Feel pain. Pain." 

Eru uttered, flying down beside Ett as blood still slid down the edge of her mouth. She looks like she is dead with her pale stature unless you come closer to hear her faint breath, which takes time to listen. 

"I'll let the Imperial Cook make you my dinner." 

"You. Can't. Ett. Ett." 

"You Majesty…" 

Xiwen attempted to speak. 

"Carry her to her chamber and bring the Royal physician." 

"Yes!" 

Xiwen immediately bolted, rushing to get the physician. It is so haste to drag the physician here as it's dangerous to carry Ett. 

"Take care of all the corpses." 

"Yes, You're Majesty." 

The royal knights returned to clean the assassins, but there were no survivors to interrogate. 

"You killed. Them. You." 

"Are you going to tell mother?" 

He asked Eru, who flapped his wings, cuddling next to Ett. 

"Hmp." 

Years ago, when Guren came back here, the Empress Dowager, who should have greeted him, only said one thing, 'Don't stain my eyes.' A contradiction to what had just happened.

He did stain her eyes by letting her vomit her blood. Well, that's normal. It always happens since she regularly coughs blood.

"I don't care if you tell her." 

Eru said nothing, just glancing at him blankly before turning to Ett. 

Guiren sat next to Ett, staring at her mother expressionlessly. 

In his experiences, it is only this day, this night, that he was close to the Empress Dowager. Taking the lamp closer to her mother's face, Guren closely examined her. An expression he always has whenever seeing the carcasses of his dead men on the battlefield. 

Should he burn a part of the Empress Dowager's face? His thoughts darkened, tilting the tip of the lamp, staring at her Ett with his inconceivable thoughts.

Right, didn't she say she wanted to die in a place she didn't live through her entire life?

Would that be enough for a mausoleum underneath the Adiand's royal tomb with a body entirely of candle wax? 

"Mother should rethink where to be buried." 

Guren whispered, retracting the hand that held the lamp. 

He put it back on the ground, still looking at the deathly figure of her so-called mother. Looking closely, the blood on her lips to her neck and some were even stuck on her hair, a glaring contrast with Adiand's deathly snowy skin. Guren didn't move. He just sat there on the cold cobblestone, staring at Ett with an unfathomable expression. 

"Your Majesty! Your… the side of your shoulder has a deep gash; it's bleeding profusely!" 

Xiwen uttered worriedly the moment he came back with the physician behind him. 

"Oh." 

Guren moved his shoulder. It's not painful enough.

"It's bleeding profusely! The doctor, thank goodness he is here." 

"Treat the Dowager first." 

"Understood."

"Go."

"Then, once the physician is done, he will come to treat you."

If Guren's blood didn't soak his clothes, Xiwen was sure he would just casually enter his chamber, take a bath, wipe all the blood off, wrap it in a simple gauge, change clothes, and get back to sleep. 

"Then? What are you standing for?" 

"Yes, Your Majesty." 

Butler Xiwen carefully carried Ett in his arms and cutly nodded at Guren before walking away.

A pitiful child and a miserable mother. Both don't even know how to be a family, unable to express their love for one another. Xiwen sighed, having one last glance at the boy in the painting who was holding a horse toy. 

Their detachment from their family is simply saddening.