Chapter 19: Auld Lang Syne ll

When I'd walked out of my bedroom, I honestly thought I'd managed to smooth things over. I really thought my promises of keeping things simple and the chemistry we'd found both at Lake Tahoe and during last night's date would be enough for Kenzie to get over the complications of my life and continue to keep seeing me. Even if we never got to the level of committed boyfriend and girlfriend, I at least thought she'd keep going on occasional dates with me.

Now, I wasn't so sure. Kim had already started breakfast, but she let me take over and set out a wonderful-looking meal for two worthy of a quaint country inn. I'd even set out one of my long-sleeved button-down shirts and a pair of drawstring sweat shorts for Kenzie to wear instead of donning last night's cocktail dress. The redhead looked adorably cute in the outfit when she finally emerged, but the effect was somewhat ruined by her obvious nervousness.

BJ and Kim were playing on the living room floor. Adrienne and Sasha sat together on the couch watching TV. Everyone was perfectly welcoming, and they went out of their way to try and put her at ease. But perhaps it would have been better if I'd asked them all to completely disappear.

Then again, I shouldn't have to ask my roommates, my family, to disappear. On some level, even "keeping things simple" would require Kenzie accepting that this aspect of my life still existed, and if she couldn't handle it, she couldn't handle it.

She couldn't handle it.

We made it through our meal a little awkwardly. Kenzie only half-paid attention to our conversation, and she spent the other half gawking at the others nearby, especially Adrienne – nevermind that Adrienne wasn't doing anything besides watching TV. Eventually, though, I suggested that Adrienne and Sasha both come over and meet my guest, hoping Kenzie might relax in conversation and learn that they were only human rather than continue to awkwardly glance in their direction. But that didn't really work out either.

Kenzie had my number, and I had hers. She kissed me when we said goodbye. We didn't make plans for another date, but I told her I'd give her a call. Still, as I rode the elevator back up to my apartment after seeing her out the building's front door, I really didn't know for sure if we'd ever go out again. And even if we did, even if we had a few more dates that ended in her apartment instead of mine, it seemed unlikely that we'd continue seeing each other for very long.

"She's nice," Adrienne said brightly when I walked back into the apartment, although I could tell that her tone was a little forced.

"She's terrified of you," Sasha laughed while tapping her girlfriend's arm.

"Intimidated, not terrified," Kim corrected. "I don't think any girl would really want to follow after the famous Adrienne Dennis as Ben's next girlfriend."

Sasha frowned, nodded, and mused, "There's logic in that."

"Sorry, Tiger," Adrienne apologized.

I shook my head and fixed Adrienne with a look. "Not your fault. And it's not like the relationship is dead yet or anything. It's only been one date. Anything can still happen."

The girls collectively nodded at that. And they went back to whatever else they'd been doing before I returned.

But after I went into my bedroom, stripped down, and got into the shower to clean up, I closed my eyes and set my forehead against the wall while feeling the water's spray rain down against the back of my neck. Sighing wearily, I wondered what would come next. Because despite my statement that anything could still happen, really, I already knew.

Kenzie was never coming back.

-- SUNDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2007 --

A stray beam of sunlight woke me up in the morning. The curtains must not have been shut all the way, and there was about an inch of space between the two curtain halves. And at this very time on this very date, the sunlight came through at just the right angle to hit the very spot where my eyes were.

I was in a familiar position, spooned around Dawn with one arm beneath her pillow and the other arm wrapped around her torso. But for once I didn't hold her breast in my palm, and for once I didn't have morning wood.

I felt ... sad. I felt ... depressed. And depression isn't an emotion conducive to morning wood. Sure, we'd had sex last night – I wasn't that depressed – but even after a good night's sleep, my libido was still satisfied enough in the morning that I didn't feel any urgent need to shoot off again right away. Really, all I wanted from my best friend in this moment was the feel of her warm body cuddled up against mine, no coital penetration required.

My mood wasn't just about Kenzie, though. Sure, I'd hoped our budding relationship might find some traction, and I'd expected it would at least last longer than yesterday morning. But I hadn't been heavily invested in that relationship, not yet, so the realization that our vacation fling would not transition into real world romance didn't bother me all that much. My mood was mostly about Adrienne, and Sasha, and Brandi, and Dayna, and DJ, and Kim, and then maybe a little bit about Kenzie.

The holidays are funny when it comes to interpersonal relationships. On the one hand, the time off from work and big social gatherings bring people closer together, at least in terms of physical proximity. But there's also an expectation of closer emotional intimacy, of catching up on the lives of your loved ones and bonding through shared experiences. Sometimes that happens, and people feel closer than ever to the ones they care about, or at least recapture a little bit of whatever had been lost. But sometimes that doesn't happen, and people are left to think about how alone they really are.

The end of the calendar year also brings about a psychological evaluation of the past twelve months, as people remember last year's resolutions, consider new ones, and generally reflect on the status of their lives. You stare down the final days of December: 29, 30, 31, and wonder where it all went. Another year gone, never to be recaptured. Another year less in one's allotment on this Earth, the sands of your life's hourglass rapidly disappearing one-by-one. Opportunities lost. Promises unfulfilled. Clocks ticking. Time running out.

I had a lot to be thankful for. This time last year, I was estranged from both Dawn and DJ. But DJ and I were in a much better place than before, and really, there wasn't much I could complain about when it came to my relationship with Dawn. Just waking up this morning spooned behind my best friend kind of said it all. Plus, there was of course the great step forward in my relationship with the twins. Our physical intimacy was still new, but it held a lot of promise. Our emotional intimacy, I hoped, would follow as well. It was well past time I got to know the grown-up versions of my little rugrats a little better.

But every OTHER relationship in my life seemed to have taken a step backward. This time last year, Adrienne and Sasha were both still my girlfriends, and I'd been Adrienne's priority in life. Now, obviously, that wasn't the case anymore. We were still roommates and we were still friends, but there was no way to look at our present relationship and call it anything BUT a step backward, and a giant step at that.

Dayna and I had been friends-with-benefits, and now we were still friends-with-benefits. But over the last year, our relationship had been on the upswing, transitioning from rebound fuck-buddy after her breakup with Kevin and on its way up to becoming official. Now, our relationship was a shell of what it had once been, a definite downgrade, and it seemed likely she'd soon move on from me for good.

Towards the beginning of this year, I'd been the primary male in both Brandi's and Brooke's lives while they were single and unattached. But now Brandi had again cut me off, and her relationship with Jared had bloomed in the last week. She'd spent more time at his place than her own this past week. Brooke, likewise, had found love. Andrew was back in town after spending Christmas with his family, and she was spending the weekend at his apartment right now.

And then there was Kim and BJ. Compared to this time a year ago, my relationships with my baby mama and son seemed to be a little less ... significant. Then, BJ had been little more than three months old, and Kim counted on me as an essential parenting partner to wake up in the middle of the night, run around in the middle of the day, and help out with everything in-between just to keep our baby alive. Now, BJ was a walking, talking little man, still far from independent and yet so much less ... fragile ... than before. My presence in their lives was more out of a desire to be with them instead of a necessity. And quite frankly, there were lots of times when it felt like Kim and BJ would do just fine without me around.

That said, I was determined to be a ... significant ... presence in my son's life. HE deserved quality time with his father, and I wanted to provide it, especially now while my other relationships each took a step backward. If there was a silver lining in my social calendar opening up, it was that I suddenly had a lot more time to spend with him.

Kim had been happy to let me spend all day Saturday with my boy. We played, we talked, we ran errands, and we ate meals. I even freed up Kim to go on a three-hour day trip with June. Everyone enjoyed themselves. Everybody wins, right?

Of course, I had to go and get carried away with warm and fuzzy feelings about my parenting skills, and with my little family unit. Really, if I could get that little voice in my head to start warning me to keep my stupid mouth shut instead of debating which one of us was smarter, my life might actually start to improve. But of course, my little voice didn't warn me, and I opened my stupid mouth, and I ended up with one more reason to feel depressed.

She'd warned me. Kim had warned me two fucking DAYS earlier not to ask her that stupid question again. But I'd been happy. I'd spent a great day with my son. And so I'd gone and opened my stupid mouth to ask, "Why won't you even consider marrying me?"

She didn't get angry. Really, she just rolled her eyes and gave me a disappointed look that said my question was perfectly expected, that she already KNEW I'd ask it, but that she'd thought I could at least last two months instead of two days before doing so.

She could've flat out said 'No' again. She could've reminded me that I wasn't supposed to ever ask her again. Instead, she sighed wearily and said patiently, "I know you're happy right now, but we've already talked about this: I don't want to get married just for you to divorce me in a few years when you find your soulmate."

"Soulmates are a myth. You and me: we're real. We're good together. I'm happy with you. I love our son, and really, doesn't he deserve to have married parents?" I'd thought I was being so clever by making it about BJ's best interests, not mine.

But Kim leveled me with her eyes and shook her head. "You're sad, feeling sorry for yourself, and reaching out to anyone who'll accept you. It's rather pathetic, actually. Do you really think I want you settling for me at one of your lowest lows? Please shut up before you further insult my self-respect."

I grimaced and replied, "I don't mean to insult your self-respect."

"Then don't."

"I just..." I took a deep breath. "I've already made a commitment to you, haven't I? I committed to taking care of you. I committed to taking care of HIM. Is it really such a far stretch from those commitments to having an honest discussion about marriage? Again, I'm NOT proposing right now. I just want to understand better why you're so adamantly against it when you already go out of your way to treat me like I'm your husband."

"Because you don't truly love me. Simple as that."

"I DO love you."

"As the mother of your child. As a devoted partner who wants to stand apart from the Rubik's Cube of your romantic life. As someone who has committed to YOU as much as you've committed to me. I'm here to be dependable, but I'm not here to be the love of your life." Kim took a deep breath and gave me a hard look. "Yes, right now you're feeling rejected by Adrienne, Sasha, Dayna, Brandi, and even Kenzie. Hell, you're feeling rejected by Dawn's insistence on not entering the game, either, and you still wonder if you made a mistake by pushing DJ away. You're thinking that maybe there's nobody else in the world meant to be with you, and so you're clinging to me, clinging to 'dependable' like a safety net. But this period of your life will pass. Someday – maybe not tomorrow or next week, but someday – you'll get over your feelings of rejection and start looking for your soulmate again, someone other than me. And I won't let a marriage to me stand in your way of your marrying her, whoever she might be. I value your happiness."

I made a face. "Even at the expense of yours?"

"I AM happy with our current situation, and I thought I'd made clear by now that marrying you will NOT improve it. No, it would only set me up with the expectation ... with the dread ... of the day that you would divorce me to be with someone else. Don't do that to me, please? Stop asking me to marry you. It wouldn't turn out well for either of us, and it hurts ME having to remind myself of that every time you bring it back up."

Suffice to say, I ended up with my one more reason to feel depressed. Kim didn't want me moping around BJ, so she told me to head over to Berkeley in the hopes the girls there might be able to cheer me up.

So I'd texted Dawn: U avail for me to come over?

She replied within seconds: Of course I'm available. Why wouldn't I be?

I wrote back: It's Saturday night.

She replied: I'm ALWAYS available for you. =)

I'd shaken my head and went to my room to pack an overnight bag. Even after everything that had happened in Lake Tahoe, after all the talk about not being in a romantic relationship, about me not having any right to expect monogamy from her, she was still available for me at the drop of a hat.

I had to admit, I'd wondered just a little bit if my telling Dawn she was free to live her own life and granting her permission to fuck Nick would somehow flip a switch in her brain. Would she fully embrace her sexuality, her wild side, and start to socialize in the college scene without me? It had only been a week since Tahoe, far too soon to tell. Part of me wanted to keep her all to myself. Hell, MOST of me wanted to keep her all to myself. But part of me thought Dawn deserved better than that, much in the way DJ deserved to live a life not entirely focused on me.

So on impulse I'd picked up the phone again to call and ask her what she was doing before I'd texted. I'd wondered if she would respond that she was at a bar with friends, flirting and drinking. I'd wondered if she was hanging out with DJ and her friends, staying within the comfortable familiarity of her sister but still branching out. Instead she told me she'd gone to the gym to work out and had just gotten home with plans to curl up in the armchair with a good book. I didn't know whether to feel sad for her or relieved for me, maybe both. But the point is: I told her to hold off on the shower until I got there so we could take one together.

Taking the shower with Dawn had been lots of fun, and a great way of lifting my mood. The sex that followed was equally fun, for both of us. But cuddling together in the aftermath and me asking what the others were up to only gave me one more reason to feel depressed:

DJ was on a date.

It was to be expected, of course. She'd already warned me she might find a casual boyfriend to keep her company until graduation, if not longer. And I'd told her straight out that she needed to move on from me. But it still hurt, a little, to learn that she actually WAS moving on from me. I didn't want to be selfish. I didn't WANT to feel disappointed. But I'd rather gotten used to the idea of DJ asking me to service her on demand between now and graduation, and in the emotional state I was in ... yeah ... one more reason to feel depressed.

I already knew Brooke was spending the weekend at Andrew's place.

The twins, expecting me to be in San Francisco this weekend, were out on a Saturday night with their friends, and I wasn't about to ask them to come home just to service me or anything like that. I was with Dawn, and that would have to be enough, or so I thought.

Dawn had a better idea.

"Hey there, stranger," Lynne had greeted me when she opened her apartment door.

"I've got your old Xbox controller, still with your name on it," Bert had called from the living room.

It was good to have friends.

Last night was great. Dawn and I had left Bert and Lynne's apartment in a good mood, a mood that led itself back into her bedroom and back inside her body.

But that was last night.

This morning was this morning, and when that stray beam of sunlight woke me, once again I felt sad and depressed.

Adrienne had rejected me.

Yeah, that one still stings.

Sasha had not only rejected me, but she'd stolen Adrienne as well.

Bitch.

DJ had rejected me. Well, actually, -I- had rejected her.

Still say that was a dumb move, dumbass.

Brandi had rejected me.

Okay she's done it enough times, and she's your sister, so not entirely unexpected.

Dayna had rejected me.

You were never really IN that race.

Kim had rejected me.

Until you find it in yourself to love her as much as she deserves, you're not in THAT race, either.

Kenzie had rejected me.

Her loss, not yours.

Lynne had rejected me, and gotten engaged to Bert.

She deserves him. She deserves better than you.

Even Amber had rejected me, to marry her true soulmate.

So what, you're gonna pine away hoping David gets hit by a bus?

And Dawn's rejected me.

Just until she's thirty. In the meantime, her naked ass is pressing against your crotch. If this is rejection, sign me up! Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

Because if I don't make her my cow, someday she may wake up and become somebody ELSE'S cow, that's why.

Oh. Umm ... shit.

There's nobody left for me.

Well, you don't KNOW that.

There's nobody left for me.

You're still young.

There's nobody left for me.

Will you quit saying that?

There's nobody left for me.

Okay, I'm done with this shit. If you're just gonna wallow in your own misery, I don't wanna hear about it anymore.

Really?

REALLY?

Fuck. Even the voice in my own head has abandoned me.

Fuck.

Thankfully, Dawn wouldn't let me feel abandoned very long. I tried, futilely, to go back to sleep, but she woke up about twenty minutes later and could immediately tell that I wasn't in the greatest of moods. For one thing, I wasn't palming one of her breasts or grinding my morning wood into her butt crack. She asked if I was alright, and I lied by telling her I was fine. I told her to get dressed and that I'd go out to make breakfast for us.

Dawn had a better idea.

Without giving me a chance to argue, she slipped out of bed and left the room. Three minutes later, the twins burst into the bedroom with gleefully happy expressions to unexpectedly find me under the same roof. Dawn laughed as the teenagers tackled me and made quick work of my pajamas. And right around the time Eden stuffed my growing erection into her mouth, my best friend told me that SHE'D go make breakfast for us, and then she closed the door.

After breakfast, feeling both nutritionally satisfied and sexually satisfied, I still didn't feel quite emotionally satisfied. I didn't want to go home yet, didn't want to go back to the San Francisco apartment that felt less like home than this Berkeley house. But I figured there were no good reasons NOT to go back.

Dawn had a better idea.

Thirty minutes later, Bert and Lynne met me, Dawn, DJ, and the twins at the basketball court.

Dawn had really good ideas.

-- MONDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2007 --

"Say bye-bye to Daddy." With BJ perched on her hip, Kim twisted in place to bring my son a little closer to me.

"Da-da," BJ said brightly, raising his hand to touch my nose.

"See you in the morning, little man." I rubbed his head.

"Kiss Daddy," Kim encouraged.

BJ obediently leaned forward and pushed his nose and mouth against my proffered cheek. Although he didn't pucker up, he smeared some baby spit from his lips across my stubble. I laughed, wiped my cheek with my hand, and pecked his forehead. "You take care of Mommy now, hear?"

BJ simply blinked at me, and then yawned while rubbing his sleepy eyes with both fists.

Kim leaned over for her own kiss. After we pecked, I arched an eyebrow and asked one more time, "Are you sure you don't want to just drop him off with Grandpa and come join us? It feels like we've been apart for every single major holiday already."

She frowned. "We were just together for Christmas."

"Whatever. C'mon ... enjoy the party ... let your hair down and be twenty-three again for once."

"I'm a 23-year-old mom."

"With plenty of ready and willing babysitting help that you don't take nearly enough advantage of."

Kim shrugged. "Maybe next year." She leaned in, kissed me one more time, and said, "We'll see you in the morning."

I nodded and headed for the front door. It was a short ride down in the high-speed elevators from the 35th floor, and a relatively short walk to the downtown skyscraper that would be my destination for the evening. I headed inside, boarded another high-speed elevator, and pushed the button to whisk me up to the top-floor restaurant.

It was New Year's Eve, and Adrienne had decided to rent out the entire restaurant for the occasion, inviting her roommates and two hundred of her closest friends to turn the place into her own private nightclub. It wasn't yet 9pm, and the restaurant would still remain open for general business until 10pm, but given that I was male and wouldn't require nearly as much time to do makeup or get into the perfect dress, I had been designated to head out early, initiate contact with the restaurant staff, and make sure everything was prepared for the supermodel's later arrival. I momentarily thought of both Cassandra Cooper and Charlotte Graham, and thought it might make sense for Adrienne to get herself a personal assistant as well.

So imagine my surprise when the hostess escorted me into the manager's office and I found Adrienne herself already there, haranguing the restaurant manager about some screw-up or another. The manager looked relieved to see me. Adrienne just looked surprised.

"What are you doing here?" she exclaimed, furrowing her eyebrows and frowning in confusion.

"My job." I gestured down at my outfit, one that Adrienne had specifically purchased for me a few months ago as a "late night party" outfit, and not something I would typically wear to walk around the streets of San Francisco. "You told me to be here at nine to look over the arrangements."

"Yeah, but it's not..." Adrienne's voice trailed off as she glanced at the wall clock in the manager's office. "Shit, it's NINE?!?"

I shrugged and nodded. "It's nine."

Whirling back to the manager, Adrienne jabbed her index finger into the air between them and growled, "I don't fucking care what it takes, and I'm not paying fifteen cents more for YOUR fuckup. I want it RIGHT. And I want it DONE before ten o'clock. Got it?"

The poor guys sighed and nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

Rolling her eyes and shaking her head, Adrienne spun about-face and stalked out from the manager's office. "C'mon, Ben."

Blinking, I glanced at the manager I was supposed to talk with, saw his helpless shrug, and then followed after Adrienne. She was walking fast enough that she made it out the "staff only" door, past the hostess podium, and into the waiting area by the time I caught up to her. She hit the elevator button so hard I was surprised it didn't crack, and I immediately wrapped both arms around her in a hug.

"Hey ... you okay?" I asked sympathetically.

Still breathing hard, Adrienne set her jaw and looked ready to respond. But we both heard the click of a camera phone, and we looked up to see an awe-struck couple out for dinner gawking at us from less than ten feet away. Rolling her eyes, Adrienne turned her back to them and faced the elevator, smacking the button again. I kept my right arm around her, holding her tight and making sure she knew I was there for her. And finally, the door dinged.

We had the elevator car to ourselves, and as soon as the doors were closed, Adrienne finally replied, "I'm fine, I'm fine. It's nothing really, nothing the manager can't fix before the party starts. I'll be fine."

"You came here early to look over the arrangements?" I asked in surprise and fished out the paperwork I had in my jacket pocket. "Wasn't that my job?"

"I didn't plan to. I met up with Felicia and James for dinner – they've got other engagements and can't come to the party – and this place was on the way home so I just decided to stop in and check on things."

"It's for times like this you really should have a personal assistant like Taylor."

"What, you volunteering?"

I chuckled and shook my head.

"Of course when I showed up I found things weren't set up the way I specified, one thing led to another, and..." Her voice trailed off again, and shaking her head, she added, "Just feels like nothing is going according to plan these days."

There was a bitter tone in Adrienne's voice that suggested there was a lot more going on with her than just tonight's party arrangements, and I tightened my grip around her. She started to turn into me, so I wrapped my other arm around her in a hug, and that's when Adrienne lost it. The first choking sob was out in the open air between us and took me by surprise, but the rest of them were muffled by my chest and shoulder as she put her head down and started shaking as the tears flowed out.

"Hey ... Hey..." I soothed quickly, stroking her spine and holding her close. "I'm here ... I'm here..."

At first, Adrienne had been hugging herself, but she now wrapped her arms around my back and clutched me like I was a life preserver. Over and over she shuddered, moaning and whimpering and sobbing without end. That is, until the elevator dinged at the ground floor and the doors began to open.

Instantly she jerked upright and wiped the tears from her eyes. A moment later she sealed her lips over mine, giving me a righteously fierce kiss. And by the time the doors parted open wide enough for anyone to see us, the only thing the people in the lobby saw was a young couple in the midst of a passionate embrace.

I broke the kiss first, startled by the situation as much as anything. I looked out the elevator doors and blushed to see four people standing immediately outside, gawking at us from less than ten feet away. Adrienne tucked her face into the crook of my neck, hiding her tear-stained face from view as she wiped her eyes one more time. And then holding herself close against me, she clutched my hand and followed me out of the elevator.

The four people from the lobby traded places with us silently. Still, just before the doors closed again, I heard one of the women gasp, "Ohmigawd that was them!"

The lobby was otherwise empty this late at night, save for a security guard by the front desk who wasn't paying any attention to us. Adrienne turned to look at me straight-on, asking, "How bad is my makeup?"

"Not bad. No running mascara or anything, at least not badly. You're fine to make it home."

Despite my assurances, Adrienne fished a compact mirror out of her purse and checked her makeup. A small tissue came out next, which she licked for moisture and then used to smear up a couple of areas just beneath her eyes. But she didn't linger, and within a minute she took my hand again and gave me a wordless look that told me she was ready. So I led her out of the lobby and headed back for home.

"What's going on?" I asked quietly. "And don't try to pretend that little breakdown was entirely about your party plans."

"It's not, but I'd rather not talk about it now."

"If not now, then when?"

"I dunno. Not now. I've got an hour to get dressed, fix my makeup, and get back."

"True, but we've got a few minutes of walking before we get back to the apartment."

"Not nearly long enough to have THIS kind of conversation."

"But later? You'll tell me about it later?"

Adrienne suddenly let go of my hand as she snapped, "Since when do YOU care about the shit going on in my life?"

I blinked and stopped walking in shock at her tone. "Wait, what? Where did THAT come from?"

Scowling, Adrienne shook her head and started walking again. "Nevermind. I don't have time for this."

"No way. You can't say something like that to me and expect me to just drop it." I followed after her.

"Just drop it, Ben."

"Adrienne."

"Just drop it."

I caught up to her, grabbed her hand, and tugged on it to stop her from walking any further. "Blame me all you want for not being around much before, but I'm here right now, and you just had an emotional meltdown in the elevator two minutes ago. We may not be engaged anymore, but I'm still your Tiger. What's going on?"

Shaking her head, Adrienne tried to start moving again. "I don't have TIME for this."

"Yeah, well, now you've escalated it to the point where I'm MAKING you have time for this."

Rolling her eyes, Adrienne jerked her hand hard enough to free it from mine. "Haven't you learned by now that the direct approach keeps getting you into even further trouble? This isn't something we're gonna fix in a single conversation, and especially not when I've got less than an hour before my party starts and I haven't even begun to get dressed!"

Groaning and rubbing my face, I sighed and shook my head. "Fine, fine."

Adrienne popped her eyebrows at me and started walking again.

I followed after. "At least tell me where Sasha is right now."

"Isn't she at home?"

"No," I replied in surprise that Adrienne didn't know. "At least, she hadn't been home the entire afternoon up until I left to go to the restaurant only fifteen minutes ago. I thought she was with you."

"Well obviously she's not."

"You guys get into a fight?"

"I'm not talking about it."

"You guys got into a fight," I said matter-of-factly.

"I said I'm NOT talking about it."

Taking a deep breath, I reached over to grab her hand and interlaced her fingers with my own. I squeezed it, exactly three times, and looked over at her with an expression of honest concern. And I stated firmly, "I'm not trying to make your life harder. I want nothing but for you to be happy. What's going on tonight? What can I do to help?"

"Nothing's going on."

"That's obviously a lie."

"Well there's nothing you can do to help."

"You sure about that?"

Adrienne sighed. "At best, you can help zip me into my dress. Fucking thing is tight, and sometimes it feels like only a Chinese gymnast can get the last couple of inches on the zipper."

"I can do that well enough."

"You won't be much help with my makeup."

"True enough."

"And if I can't make it back to the restaurant on time, it might be good for you to go back there early and make sure all the arrangements match that piece of paper in your pocket."

"That, I can certainly do."

"Actually, scratch that." Adrienne glanced back at me and gave me a resigned smile. "Maybe it's better that you're here. Then the paparazzi can get us arriving together, even if it's fashionably late."

"Whatever you want, whatever you need ... I'm here for you."

Adrienne blinked twice, gave me a more hopeful smile, and muttered, "Thanks, Tiger."

"Always," I replied warmly. "Forever and Always."

It was the wrong thing to say. Adrienne stopped in her tracks, buried her face in her hands, and started sobbing again.

The fuck did you do NOW?

It wasn't quite as immediate as when the elevator doors started opening, but Adrienne composed herself quite quickly just seconds after her sobbing began. Then she started walking again, this time as fast as her skyscraper heels allowed, apparently trying to get home as fast as possible.

I extended my stride and hurried to keep up with her, but I didn't try to take her hand or even talk to her. We walked home at a brisk pace in silence, Adrienne hugging her peacoat around her body and me watching her, evaluating her mood. Soon we got to our apartment building, and soon after that we entered our apartment. I was already dressed to go out, so I followed her into the master bedroom in case she might start talking to me. But she paid me no mind, treating me as if I were invisible as she went into her big walk in closet and started stripping down.

I watched her get fully naked without even the slightest stirring in my shorts. Her mood was absolutely not conducive to sex, and quite frankly, I'd seen her without clothes on enough times for her nudity alone to not be all that stimulating without some sexual heat in her eyes to go along with it. She moved efficiently in putting on new panties and a new bra, as if doing a quick-change of clothes in the back areas of a runway fashion show. And then she moved to the mirror to start doing her hair and makeup.

I settled onto the big king bed, sitting up against the headboard with my legs extended and trying not to think about all the times we'd made love on this mattress. I didn't know if she'd talk to me again before the party, but I knew she wanted the paparazzi to get us arriving together, no matter how fashionably late. So until directed otherwise, I was going to park my butt here and wait until she was good and ready to go.

Besides, who would I even talk to if I headed over early? Brandi was spending the evening with Jared at some other New Year's Eve bash his friends had planned, and Dayna was going with them. Adrienne had invited DJ, Brooke, Dawn, and the twins; but DJ, Brooke, and Dawn were hosting their own party at the house and the twins were attending a different party with their friends. Felicia and James were out. And right now, I didn't even know if Sasha would be there.

I was familiar with many of Adrienne's friends. I'd even fucked quite a few of them. But there was still nowhere else I'd rather be for one of these things than right by Adrienne's side, especially when she was in a mood like this. I'd carried around enough guilt for not spending nearly enough quality time with her over the past six months. I wasn't going to add another missed opportunity to the list.

Adrienne's hair had been done at a salon earlier in the day, and it didn't take much for her to touch it up. The makeup was something else altogether, as she seemingly stripped her face down to bare skin and started over from scratch. I still couldn't fathom how a girl could spend almost an hour in front of the mirror doing her face, and yet once again here we were. At least she didn't quite go full-on like this every day.

I'd picked up the TV remote and started watching ESPN when Adrienne's voice startled me. I quickly turned the TV off and glanced over into the bathroom, asking, "What was that?"

Sighing, Adrienne kept her attention on the mirror as she repeated, "Yes, Sasha and I had a fight."

"About what?"

"About you. She wants to start fucking you again."

"Umm ... okay..." I didn't know how else to respond to that. "I'm guessing you said 'no'?"

Adrienne did something with a tiny little black brush to her eyelashes. "I accused her of thinking I wasn't enough for her anymore."

"And that didn't go over so well."

"Not really, no." Adrienne sighed. "She's not really a lesbian, you know."

"Neither are you."

"But I'm closer to it. I appreciate a handsome man, and I've got an eye for what makes a man physically attractive, but I don't get sexually turned on just looking at a guy. I see so many male models in peak fitness with amazing physiques, but I never start getting wet because of it."

I frowned. "Does that mean you don't get wet looking at me?"

"You're different." Adrienne paused from doing her makeup and stared over at me. I felt her eyes trailing my body from head to toe and back again, and she explained, "Looking at you, it's not your physique so much that turns me on, but your eyes and the way you look at me. I mean, I love your physique, but it's when you smile at me that I start to get aroused. I think about all the amazing orgasms you've already given me. I remember the feeling of safety and strength being held in your arms. I fantasize about you bending me over and having your way with me, just taking your pleasure from my body, and..."

I blinked and grinned as her eyes got glassy and her voice trailed off.

"Fuck," she cursed. "You're making me horny NOW."

I shrugged. "Sorry, can't help it."

Shaking her head, Adrienne took a deep breath and focused on the mirror again. She was doing something to her face with a pencil. "Now that you've unlocked her sexuality, Sasha gets turned on by all kinds of guys. We go on these vacations and meet different cute hunks. She visits me on set and excitedly gushes about this male model's pecs or that male model's bulge. She gets turned on by the girls, too, of course, and she's not afraid of chatting them up. But the guys scare her, I think. She's nervous around them and not sure how to act. Like, she smiles at them and plays coy and sometimes they come over to start hitting on her, and only then does she get all cutely nervous and kinda hides behind me."

"That is kinda cute."

"It's weird. She had no issues taking her clothes off and performing for guys on stage at Nocturne, but like... talking to one of them up close? Like a normal, flirty conversation that doesn't revolve around grinding her crotch in his lap? She can't handle it. Weird contradiction."

"Not so weird, when you think about it."

"I suppose. I've asked her about it enough times. She always says that it's fine to look and all, but she doesn't have enough experience trying to carry on those kinds of conversations. Besides, why deal with the hassle and uncertainty when you're waiting at home to take care of that kind of itch? Only I haven't LET her have you come take care of her itch, and she's not used to going without Big Ben for this long. She's fully bisexual, not a lesbian, and even though she's said she's not the kind of girl to need a good pounding ALL the time, even she has her limits."

"But you'd rather she stay monogamous to you. You don't want her hooking up with one of those guys."

"One of those guys? Hell no." Adrienne shot a dirty look at me. "And SHE wouldn't want to hook up with one of those guys, either. No, she only wants you. You're safe. She knows you still care about her. And she thinks you'd never look at her the same if she ever did hook up with another guy."

I frowned. "I don't own her. She's not my girlfriend anymore, and I have no right to say that she can't."

"Yeah, well I'm her girlfriend, and -I- have the right to say that she can't, even IF she wanted to, which she doesn't."

"But you're also telling her she can't have sex with me."

"Not exactly." Adrienne sighed again, put away the pencil, and turned to look at me. "We've actually talked about this with you before. I TOLD her I'd be okay with her fucking you and getting some relief, that I'd even love to watch."

I frowned and searched my memory. "The bit about juice cleanses, In-N-Out, and Swiss chocolate? The day I picked you guys up from the airport?"

"Yeah."

"But you also accused her of thinking you weren't enough for her anymore."

Adrienne made a face. "She doesn't want to fuck you without ME fucking you too, but I'm not ready for that so she feels guilt-tripped into not fucking you either but still bitches about it, which makes me bitch about not being enough for her anymore, and the whole argument just keeps going in circles."

I blinked a couple of times. "Not trying to make a big deal about it, but why AREN'T you ready to fuck me again? You told me that cutting me out in the beginning was to make a clean break from me, to let you two start your romance without your emotions for me getting in the way. You also went to Hawaii to get some space. But you're back now, and you also said that you could never live without being able to be intimate with me. You said you'd never stop fucking me, no matter who else we might marry. And yet ... well ... you HAVE stopped."

Adrienne sighed and put down her makeup articles and bracing both hands against the counter. She leaned forward, putting her weight on it, and took a deep breath. "I just can't."

"Why not?"

"Because..."

I waited her out, but when she didn't continue, I finally asked, "Because what?"

She sighed again, her shoulders slumped, and without looking away from the mirror, she muttered so softly that I could barely hear her, "Because I'm still in love with you."

I shrugged and replied, "I still love you, too."

"You're not listening: I'm still in love with you, Tiger." Pushing off the counter, Adrienne turned to look at me with a pained expression on her face. She looked on the verge of tears, and for the sake of her makeup, I sincerely hoped she didn't start crying again. "I'll always love you, Forever and Always. But I'd thought ... I'd hoped, that by taking a break from you, that by going off to Hawaii, that by immersing myself in this romance with Sasha, that I'd stop being 'in love' with you. That I'd..."

She trailed off again, shaking her head and taking another deep breath. This time I waited her out completely and let her sort things out in her head.

Finally, she finished, "I can't have sex with you again until I know it won't make me miserable, until I know I won't end up crying by the end of it. Because right now the idea of holding you in my arms while you spurt deep inside me makes me want to bury my face into your chest and sob my heart out. I can't even think about fucking you without thinking about how much it makes me want to be yours again, for you to own me, for me to be ... for me to be your fiancée again."

I blinked twice. "Is that what you really want? To be my fiancée again?"

She gave me a pained look again. "I never DIDN'T want to be your fiancée. I wanted to marry you, Tiger."

I frowned. "If that's the case, why'd you agree to break up with me?"

"Because you made it clear that YOU didn't want to marry ME." Frustrated, she started rubbing her forehead with her right hand.

"What are you talking about? Of course I wanted to marry you."

"Did you? Really?" Adrienne put both hands on her hips and shot me a glare that would melt the polar ice caps. "You gonna claim you were so ready to marry me, that I was your be-all/end-all irreplaceable Number One, and that losing me just ripped you apart emotionally? Why was it, exactly, that you were so eager to break up with me? Why was it, exactly, that instead of doing a DAMN THING to stop and actually FIGHT for our relationship, you were so blasé about just handing me off to Sasha and wiping your hands clean of us without a backwards glance? Tell me I'm wrong, but you certainly haven't ACTED like you lost the greatest love of your life these last couple of weeks. One day we're engaged, the next day we're not, and BOOM, you're on to Lake Tahoe, flirting with Kenzie Campbell, ass-fucking Nick's girlfriend, and moving on with the rest of your life. No problem. Piece of cake. Next!"

I glowered right back at her, muttering, "You have NO idea how hard this has been for me, what emotions I've gone through, or how depressed I've been."

"Over losing me? Over losing your fiancée?" Adrienne stared at me accusingly. "Or over losing me AND Sasha AND Dayna AND DJ AND even Kim insisting that she'll never marry you, huh?"

I scowled. "Did Kim tell you all that?"

"Does it really matter? YOU have no idea how hard this has been for ME, alright? I LOVE you. I STILL love you! I love HER, too, and I honestly thought that was just FINE for all of us. I admit it: I wasn't prioritizing you. I admit it: I was taking you for granted. I was spending all that time with Sasha. She became my best friend, the one always with me for trips and photo shoots and lunches and just to cuddle with on the couch. She became my 'constant', and I went and fell in love with her TOO. That didn't mean I loved you any LESS, and I thought you KNEW that! What was so wrong with all three of us loving EACH OTHER? I was HAPPY when it was the three of us! And when you showed up saying you weren't getting enough quality time, MY first thought was that we should all SPEND MORE QUALITY TIME TOGETHER! What a novel idea! But YOU? Your great fucking idea was TO BREAK UP, to fucking BREAK MY HEART you sick, demented fucking ASSHOLE!!!"

Rather than immediately reply to her accusations, I took a deep breath and gave her an evaluative look. Adrienne seethed for an extra few seconds, panting and a little out of breath, but when I didn't say anything she finally scoffed and turned to face the mirror again, slamming both hands down onto the counter as she hunched over.

Only then did I state quietly, "I didn't ask to break up. I asked you to start seriously planning a wedding with me, so that we could actually move forward with our engagement and really get MARRIED. But you weren't ready."

Adrienne threw her hands up, turned, and walked away. But there was nothing behind her but the toilet and shower area, so she paced back toward me three seconds later. "No, I wasn't ready. Lock me up in jail, call me the worst kind of criminal, because I wasn't fucking ready. I was twenty-three and pulled in a hundred different directions by my career and by Sasha and by you and I wasn't ready. Well I'm sorry. I love you, Ben, but you made it CLEAR that while you wanted to get married, you didn't want to marry ME. You wanted to marry some fictional version of me that doesn't exist yet. You wanted ... you wanted 'Perfect Dawn' in my body or something. You wanted the picket fence 'Wife' you've been dreaming your whole life about, and I'm sorry I'm not her, alright? Sourcing preschools? Researching baby gear? Seriously? You thought I was ready for that?!?"

"I know you weren't."

"And that's just it. YOU KNEW. You ALWAYS FUCKING KNEW. See, that's why you weren't broken-hearted by our breakup. Because you always fucking KNEW. You were EXPECTING this. From the minute you accidentally proposed to me back at Morris Camp, you've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. You KNEW I wasn't ready to be your Dream Wife, and you EXPECTED our engagement to implode eventually. THAT'S why you never put any effort into planning our wedding either, because you NEVER ACTUALLY expected us to get married. So when the first crack in our engagement showed up, instead of working WITH me to try and fix it, you jumped ship! You seized the excuse, pushed me off onto Sasha, and convinced everyone ... convinced me ... that it was somehow MY FAULT. When all along you fucking KNEW!"

"I didn't 'know'," I muttered coldly.

"Really?" Adrienne arched her eyebrows, scrutinizing me through narrow eyes. "I may not have the power of Dawn's 'Link', but I know you well enough to know when you're fucking LYING to yourself."

"I didn't know," I insisted.

"You said it yourself." Adrienne stood up straight and shook her head, her eyes going wide and bright as if her epiphany was amazing even herself. I could almost see the light bulb above her head. "You SAID we were meant to be siblings, to be each other's rock. But you NEVER believed I'd EVER be ready to be your wife. You NEVER believed I'd be capable of being everything that the TITLE required, the way you defined the title of 'Wife'. You believed that I ONLY got engaged to stay Number One above Dawn. You've ALWAYS believed I was just marrying you because I'd promised Mom to never leave you. And this whole fucking time, you never seriously considered the possibility that I might ACTUALLY want to marry you."

"Did you?"

"YES!!!" Adrienne flung both hands at me. "You fucking, moronic, asshole ... YES! I wanted to fucking MARRY you! Just not that fucking MINUTE!"

"Do you want to have children? Ever?"

Adrienne clenched her jaw, blinked a few times, and looked so pissed off that she wanted to break something. She even slowly punched the wall. But after a couple of seconds of tension, her shoulders slumped and she exhaled slowly while posting both hands against the counter again. "I don't know," she muttered.

"Would you ever want to move to the suburbs, maybe even back to Orange County, with a house and a lawn and a playground down the street where there isn't a bar or nightclub around for fifteen miles?"

The air had gone out of her, and she muttered just as dispiritedly, "I don't know."

"Did you know that I want both of those things?"

"Yes."

"Were you prepared to do both of those things for me?"

Adrienne shook her head slowly, stared up at the ceiling, and sighed. "Did you ever truly believe that -I- would be prepared to do both of those things? Me?"

Now it was my turn to sigh and mutter, "I don't know."

"Why'd you propose to me, Ben?"

"Because I loved you."

"You knew that Orange County suburbs and children weren't ... me. So why'd you propose? Because you thought you could change me?"

"I don't know. I ... I hoped I could ... yes."

"That's not me."

"I know it's not."

"Then why propose?"

I sighed. "I didn't propose, remember? You just said 'yes'."

"Then why continue the engagement?"

"Because I couldn't take it back."

"You could if it wasn't the right thing to do."

"Would you really have gone through with it and married me?"

Now Adrienne sighed and looked away. "I don't know. A month ago, my answer would have been an unequivocal 'yes'. YES, I would have married you, and I think we would have had a wonderful life together. But you confused the hell out of me when you complained about not getting enough quality time with me, and when I offered to share quality time, you instead pushed me off onto Sasha."

"I wanted what was best for you."

"What was BEST for me was to have you BOTH." Adrienne bit her lip, hugged herself, and looked away. "On the one hand, I really HAD fallen in love with Sasha. I'd come to depend on her as my 'constant', and I really did ... I really DO want to find out how deeply our love could go. On the other hand, I felt like I was abandoning you, breaking your heart along with our engagement, and I thought that -I- was supposed to let YOU go ... to set you free. I thought that -I- was the one who didn't deserve YOU because I hadn't devoted myself enough to you. I thought you were trying to be nice to me by claiming that your heart wasn't broken, trying to make it easier on me. But then you really DIDN'T act like your heart was broken, and I was trying to figure out WHY you weren't broken-hearted over losing me. And now I know. It's because you didn't love me anymore."

"Of course I still loved you."

"No you didn't. A man in love with me would have had his heart broken at the end of our engagement. The truth is: you were expecting the end of our engagement, one way or another. You were never really going to marry ME."

"Of course I was. You were my Number One. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you as my partner."

"Do you still want that now? To spend the rest of your life with me as your partner?" Adrienne walked over to the side of the bed, a sad expression on her face as she looked down at me. "Tell me you do. Tell me right here and now that deep in your heart you still want to marry me – ME, the way I am, not the way you'd like me to be. Even if that means never having children with me. Even if that means me trying to talk you into living in the big city under the bright lights and going out to nightclubs to dance with me. Tell me, and I'll come back to you right now. Tell me, and we'll be engaged again right this second. Tell me..."

I couldn't tell her. All I could do was stare back at her, paralyzed.

Adrienne shook her head sadly. "That's not you."

I looked away in shame.

"You never should have accepted my 'yes'."

I exhaled slowly and hung my head. "Apparently not."

Adrienne started fiddling with her hands. The movement caused me to raise my gaze from my own lap up to her midsection, and I sucked in a sudden breath when I realized what she was doing. Moments later, she handed over her engagement ring. "I don't need this anymore."

I stared at the ring in shock. After another second or two, I raised my gaze to look at her. Adrienne stared back at me stone-faced, no tears to smear her makeup, no grimaces of pain. She didn't even look resigned. She was just ... serious.

Taking a deep breath, I reached up and took the ring.

"Go to the party ahead of me," she said quietly, matter-of-factly. "Make sure everything is set, alright?"

Quietly, I nodded my head. Even now, I'd do whatever Adrienne needed me to do.

After taking a deep breath, she stated sincerely. "I still love you, Tiger. I always will. You know that, right?"

Just as quietly, I nodded again.

"But you're right: we're better as siblings. You'll always be my rock. It's just..." She paused and took a deep breath. "I think it's time I let the world know who I really am."

That brought my head up in surprise. "You mean... ?"

Adrienne took a deep breath. "No more beard. No more hiding. I'm coming out of the closet. I'll make it official tonight."

My eyebrows went up. "But Sasha ... You think she can handle it?"

A new voice cut in from the doorway, "Sasha can handle it."

Both Adrienne and I looked over in surprise. Sasha stood there, dressed up and made up and ready for the party. Perhaps she'd been in her own room when Adrienne and I got back and we simply never noticed.

"How long have you been there? What did you hear?" Adrienne asked.

"Long enough," Sasha replied as she stepped further into the room. Giving me and Adrienne both serious looks, she reached out to Adrienne's now ringless hand and interlaced their fingers together. With a brave smile, she repeated, "I can handle it."

Adrienne smiled at her and leaned in for a sweet kiss. I suddenly felt like I really didn't belong in this room anymore. So as quietly as I could, I slipped off the bed with the intention of going for the door.

But the girls broke their kiss and Adrienne grabbed my arm. "This isn't over," she stated firmly. "I don't want you to walk away thinking you've irreparably damaged our relationship. If you think about it, this is exactly the way you planned for things to turn out: me and Sasha together, and you and me as eternal siblings, right?"

It sure felt like I'd gotten dumped and kicked into the gutter, but she had a point, so I swallowed thickly and nodded. "Right."

"I still love you," she insisted.

"I know. I love you, too." I looked over at Sasha as well. "I love you both."

"For Auld Lang Syne," Adrienne murmured.

I frowned and arched an eyebrow, not understanding.

Adrienne smiled and explained, "Tonight is New Year's Eve. When Harry Met Sally, right? For Auld Lang Syne is about remembering old friends, and never letting them be forgotten or something."

Sasha reached out and took my hand, giving it a squeeze. "Never forget. Friends forever."

I squeezed it back, managed to smile at her, and then looked at Adrienne, adding, "Family forever."

Adrienne smiled. "For Auld Lang Syne."