Chapter 22: San Francisco l

-- SUNDAY, JANUARY 13, 2008 --

The sky outside was dark and gray, not only because "foggy" is the standard daily weather forecast for San Francisco, but it was still quite early, way too early for any reasonable 23-year-old to be awake on a weekend morning. At this hour, the sun had not yet cleared the horizon, its rays not yet angled properly in accordance with simple geometry to shed any light on the floor-to-ceiling windows of our apartment's great room, and even then they would need to cut through the thick mass of hanging precipitation.

I was still on East Coast time, my body having adjusted to jet lag over the past week. The sun would be up in New York right now, a million people already awake and going about their daily lives while the West Coast still slumbered. My internal clock told me it was time to wake up, so wake up I did. But my bed partners were still asleep and, unwilling to disturb them, I'd slipped out of the room unnoticed.

Or so I thought.

"Heyyy ... You alright?"

With arms folded across my chest and eyebrows furrowed in thought, I glanced back over my shoulder towards the voice that had interrupted my reverie and then returned my gaze out the window. Taking a deep breath, I exhaled slowly and nodded, answering, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just couldn't sleep."

Wordlessly, Dawn slid in behind me, wrapped her arms around my waist, and set her cheek down against my shoulder. She hugged me firmly, but not intrusively. I could probably have gone on staring out that window without her further disturbing me, and yet her embrace told me with absolute certainty that she was here for me, in whatever way I needed, should I choose to ask for her support.

She's too good for you. You don't deserve her.

Shut up, you. Do you really want to lose another one?

"The twins?" I muttered questioningly.

"Still asleep. Plumb tuckered out," Dawn replied quietly behind my ear.

I chuckled at the sense of déjà vu, asking, "Weren't you tuckered out?"

Dawn chuckled as well, getting the same sense as me. "You tuckered me out plenty, but I still noticed when you left."

"I'm glad you're here," I stated with a sigh, reaching across my body to hug her arms against my midsection. Dawn responded by hugging me even tighter. "But still, it's really early in the morning for you. You should go back to sleep."

"Only if you'll come with me."

I sighed. "Can't sleep. The little voice in my head won't fucking shut up."

"I know the feeling. Stupid voices," Dawn muttered with a sigh.

"What's yours saying to you now?"

"That it's really fucking early for a college student used to late night hours, and that I should still be in bed."

"She's right, your little voice."

"Perhaps. But while 'little voice Dawn' complains, 'big Dawn' would rather be here with you. Actually, 'big Dawn' would rather fall back asleep in your arms." She tugged on me gently, urging, "Come on. Let's go back to bed."

I shook my head. "I'm serious. I can't."

"Fine, fine..." Dawn sighed in resignation and set her cheek down on my shoulder for just a moment before standing up straight. "You want some coffee then?"

I took a deep breath, exhaled, and patted her arms. "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea."

My best friend released me and turned to walk into the kitchen. I took one more look outside, staring out into the darkness. It was just as gray and gloomy as ever, like my mood. But just before I turned away from the window, a sliver of light pierced through the clouds on the horizon. Soon there was another ray, and another, and as the sky brightened I realized this would NOT be a foggy San Francisco morning. Bit by bit, the sun gradually came into view across the bay, quite literally illuminating my world.

Out of the darkness comes the dawn.

Is that a metaphor for my life and the way it's going?

No, dumbshit. See, when the sky brightens in the morning as the sun comes up, the dictionary defines that as the "dawn".

I turned to glance back toward the kitchen, and watched as my best friend puttered around to start the coffee pot.

I like my metaphor better.

Suit yourself. Just do us both a favor.

What's that?

Don't fuck this up.

I took a deep breath and continued to watch Dawn move about the kitchen. Good lord she was beautiful.

You hear me? DON'T fuck this up.

Easier said than done.

I joined Dawn in the kitchen as she waited for the coffee to finish brewing. I slid in behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist and leaning in to gently kiss the back of her neck. She glanced back at me with a warm smile, one that warmed my heart as much as the sunrise had illuminated the morning sky, and I leaned over her shoulder to kiss her lips.

She met me for that kiss, yielding to my tender but firm pressure, and finally let me part her lips with my tongue. Slowly, the passion of our kiss built and built, until she turned within my grasp to inhale sharply, cinch her arms around my neck, and push her tongue into my mouth instead.

The room was quiet, the hour still quite early, and even though the twins were asleep in my bed, I started thinking Dawn and I could manage a quickie on the living room couch. But just when I started to pull her out of the kitchen, I felt a firm tug on the leg of my pajama pants.

Breaking the kiss in surprise, I gawked down at BJ, who stood beside me with his hands gripping my pants and his head tilted back so far that he basically stared straight up at me. "Da-da," he muttered.

"Hey, little man," I greeted warmly, all thoughts of sex evaporating from my mind.

"Morning, BJ," Dawn added, reaching down to tousle his hair playfully. The coffee pot was long since brewed, and she turned to the counter to pour us two mugs.

"Sorry for the interruption," Kim apologized as she came into the kitchen.

"No worries," I replied while reaching down to scoop my son into my arms. He grinned, patted my chest, and then set his head down on my shoulder while clutching my neck. His hug REALLY warmed my heart, and I hugged him firmly right back while carrying him out of the kitchen and over to his play area.

Once he spotted his toys, BJ jerked his head off my shoulder and wriggled insistently until I put him down. Once he hit the floor, he scrambled over to his Thomas the Tank Engine trains, and I knew that he would now ignore me completely. Back in the kitchen, I heard Dawn offer Kim, "Coffee?"

"No, thanks," Kim replied. "We're getting tea."

The "we" caught my attention, and I glanced back to find that June had also emerged from Kim's bedroom. Her hair was unkempt and she wore one of Kim's pajama sets. She gave me a cute little wave in passing as she headed into the kitchen as well.

Five minutes later, all three young women joined me and BJ in the living room. Kim and I surrounded our son on the floor, half-playing with him and half-chatting with the others in adult conversation. Dawn sat on the couch just behind me, her hand on my shoulder every now and again when she leaned forward to pass me my coffee mug for a sip before taking it back to stay out of BJ's reach. And June sat behind Kim on the other couch, both hands around her warm mug of tea, looking far more relaxed and at ease than I'd ever seen her before.

Just the five of us, my little nuclear family of three plus our two best friends. This felt right. This felt comfortable. This felt like home.

The only problem was: this wasn't only our home. In fact, none of our names were on the lease. This apartment belonged to Adrienne, the one who actually paid the rent and refused to let the rest of us contribute a single dime. This place that we lived in didn't actually belong to any of us, and I found myself wondering if we really belonged here anymore.

So why not get up and move out? Why not leave this apartment to Adrienne and Sasha – let them have the place to themselves in domestic bliss and get the hell out of their way? Living together made sense when we'd been a triple, with Kim and BJ included, of course, to be with me. But we weren't a triple anymore, and in fact my relationships with them at the moment were pretty strained. Adrienne and Sasha weren't even HERE right now, having returned from their European trip but then taken a private jet off to Santa Barbara for some impromptu romantic getaway right before my flight landed.

I couldn't know Adrienne's motives for sure, but it certainly felt like she was avoiding me. The way she and Sasha had immediately come to me after her big announcement New Year's Eve had led me to believe we would work through things together. But then she'd flown off to Switzerland the very next morning, and I quite literally had not seen her since. She obviously didn't want to be around me. So why keep putting her through this kind of misery? Why not make things easier on everybody by moving out?

But move to where? Kim's father was still in Sunnyvale and would not tolerate me taking Kim or BJ even further away, but it wasn't like I was thinking to move to New York or back to Orange County. As for staying in the Bay Area, JKE was in San Francisco, and it wouldn't make any sense for me to move out of my own commuting range. Plus, June still lived in San Bruno, and I wouldn't want to take Kim far away from her, either.

Then again, June might very well be willing to move with us. She'd never lived alone, and had always been dependent on her parents taking care of her. Wouldn't leaving that sheltered existence behind be a good step in her personal development?

Two options immediately came to mind. The first was to stay in San Francisco, close to work, just in a different apartment from the one we currently occupied. It would require minimal change in our daily lives, and if we could even find another apartment in this very same building, we could still remain close to Brandi, Dayna, Adrienne, and Sasha, without actually living together.

Of course, there was no guarantee that we could find an appropriate apartment in this same building, and it certainly would cost a lot more than the zero rent we were currently paying to stay here. Besides, the second option that came to mind held a tremendous amount of appeal:

Berkeley.

First of all, Berkeley had felt like home for a lot longer than San Francisco had. I knew the town like the back of my hand, and it definitely had a relaxed, laid-back vibe more suitable for raising a toddler than the big city. Secondly, while we'd be moving further away from Brandi, Dayna, Adrienne, and Sasha, we'd be moving closer to Brooke, DJ, the twins, and of course ... to Dawn. She was sort of the deciding factor right there.

But I wouldn't be moving to Berkeley solely for selfish reasons. Kim had already spent the last year finishing off her final academic semester of school two classes at a time, and in May would finally get her Bachelor's degree. Plus, she'd already applied for (and been assured by Viktoriya she'd get accepted into) the Berkeley MBA program. Moving sooner than later would make it easier to finish her final undergraduate classes. And moving sooner than later would give her time to find a nice Berkeley preschool to take care of BJ for when she started attending graduate school full-time in the Fall. For a young mother with weird college class schedules, it made far more sense for us to live closer to her classes than for me to live close to work. And as a nice bonus, I'd be closer to old friends like Bert and Lynne.

Of course, there was no guarantee that my deciding factor would still be there in five months. Dawn, Brooke, and DJ would all be graduating at the end of this academic year, and THEIR potential post-graduate jobs would most likely dictate their geography. How would I handle it, moving to Berkeley to be closer to Dawn only to have her find a job far enough away that she simply HAD to live elsewhere? But perhaps that was a risk worth taking. Any job that would take her a significant distance away from Berkeley would most likely be just as far away from San Francisco. I'd have the same problem either way. And for all I knew, moving to be close to her in Berkeley just might be reason enough for Dawn to limit her job search to opportunities in the area, or maybe even stay in town to get her Master's degree, rather than be separated from me.

I sat there and thought about it, wondering why I hadn't thought about it sooner. On my salary, not to mention the sizeable bonus I'd just received, I could certainly afford to rent a 3-bedroom house in Berkeley. If I could talk June into moving with us and paying part of the rent, it made even more financial sense. I could be within walking distance of Dawn, Brooke, DJ, and the twins, which would make booty calls significantly easier. I could spend more time with Bert and Lynne. I could catch up with old friends still around campus like some of the younger Tri-Delts, and maybe even Viktoriya Isakova. And of course, I could finally build a family home for me, Kim, and BJ that could truly be ours.

Plus June. Horny little ex-virgin's gonna want Big Ben as much as humanly possible once you start sleeping in the next bedroom, and maybe some more Dawn, too. She seems really happy after finally getting her Dawn fantasy last night. And don't get me started on how crazy your sex life is gonna be once you're within walking distance of the twins.

Get your head out of the gutter. I was having a Hallmark moment.

Especially now that June's in on the 'family secret'. Watching Eden go after her last night? Dayyum. Can you imagine watching the twins team up against June AND Eve together? Mushroom cloud waiting to happen...

Okay fine, Hallmark moment over. Dayyum ... Of course, just because June knows doesn't mean that Eve knows. Besides, I rather doubt June and Eve fool around with each other.

Oh, crap. Didn't think of that.

The point is: This is starting to look like a viable idea, right?

You'll get no argument from me. Well, except for maybe one argument.

What's that?

Dawn, Kim, June, the twins, Brooke, DJ ... Almost sounds like you're forming a new harem.

And what if I am? What if this is my destined role in life? To love everybody but not be 'in love' with anybody. Not to pour my heart into a single all-encompassing 'Wife' upon whom I pin all my hopes and dreams for being 'The One'. Rather, to accept that I will always have multiple women in my life, each of whom plays a different role in a different relationship with me. Dawn as my best friend. Kim as the mother of my son. June as my co-worker and friend. My sisters as my sisters. Dayna and DJ as my sisters, too. And even Adrienne as my sister, no expectations of anything more. Do I really HAVE to have a girlfriend in order to not be alone? Do I really HAVE to get married in order to feel complete? I don't think so, not anymore.

The word 'husband' is just a word, one that defines a role in a very limited one-on-one relationship. I don't need that title in order for my life to have meaning.

I am a lover.

I am a brother.

I am a father.

I am a friend.

And isn't all that good enough?

"Heyyy ... You alright?"

I blinked in surprise and looked up at Dawn, only now realizing that she had her hand on my shoulder, shaking it gently. "Hmm?" I replied, blinking a few times.

"You zoned out there for a minute."

"I did?"

June chuckled. "Yeah, you kinda did."

"Oh ... uhhh..." I furrowed my eyebrows and took a deep breath, reintegrating myself in the here and now. Just then, BJ drove one of his trains right up my arm, continuing up and across my shoulder as he climbed into my lap and used my head as an obstacle course while making 'chugga-chugga' noises with his mouth. I grinned and held him close.

Kim studied me closely. "Penny for your thoughts?"

I looked back at her, a little smile coming to my face as I re-imagined that little house for the three of us. I glanced up at June, wondering if she'd actually want to join us. And I looked back at Dawn, my heart filling with warmth at the idea of being closer to her.

Almost forgot that darkness/dawn/sunrise metaphor, didn't you?

No, I didn't. In fact, I was just thinking that while my life would NOT be incomplete if I don't ever become a husband, I certainly wouldn't mind if I do. Dawn has long insisted that we're better as best friends. Maybe she's right, but maybe she's wrong. And if I move to Berkeley, if I put myself in a place where I can see her every day and not just occasionally on the weekends, who knows what the future might bring?

Indeed.

I smiled at everyone around me. I squeezed BJ tight. And wondered aloud, "What do you all think about me and Kim getting a house in Berkeley?"

Well behind me, back toward the hallway leading to the bedrooms, Eden and Emma suddenly filled the air with excited screams.

Dawn and the twins returned to Berkeley shortly after breakfast, all three of them excited about the possibility of me moving closer to them. But we were a long ways from my spontaneous idea becoming an actual reality, as there were a lot of things to work out first.

For one thing, June had been floored by the suggestion that she move with us. She'd lived with her parents for her entire life, and the idea of suddenly being on her own was daunting, to say the least. She had a lot to think about, and she also returned home shortly after breakfast.

That left Kim, BJ, and me alone in the apartment. Another trip to the Bay Area Discovery Museum was in order, so we parents puttered around packing up and preparing for a baby's day out. Twenty minutes later, we were on the road in the family minivan. And a few hours after that, we were on the road coming back.

BJ fell asleep in his car seat, as expected. We parked the van in the underground garage of our apartment building, but rather than try to transfer him up to the apartment itself, I told Kim to let BJ sleep and come around to the shotgun seat.

"You want to talk about this potential move?" she asked while closing the door beside her.

I nodded. "You were pretty quiet during the first conversation."

"Everyone was so excited and talking all at once."

"But you weren't excited with the rest of them?"

Kim looked thoughtful. "I haven't decided yet. A part of me is excited, certainly. There are obvious advantages to moving to Berkeley – being closer to school and all – but I question your motives."

"Question them? Why?"

"Indeed, 'why'?" Kim took a deep breath and gave me a measured look. "Why do you really want to leave?"

"For the same reasons I told everybody else this morning: Dawn, DJ, Brooke, the twins, and you starting your MBA full-time in the fall."

"Is that it?"

"Those are all very good reasons."

"I didn't say they weren't. But that doesn't necessarily mean they comprise ALL of your reasons. None of your stated reasons, for example, address your current proximity to your office, your relationship with Brandi, and of course ... Adrienne and Sasha."

I sighed. "Berkeley will be much farther from the office, true, but people commute to work by BART all the time. Brandi is developing her new relationship with Jared. I'm happy for her, and she doesn't need me around. As for Adrienne..." My voice trailed off as I shrugged.

"What does..." Kim mimed my shrug, " ... THAT mean?"

I shrugged again and sighed. "She'll be more comfortable with me gone."

"Did SHE say that to you?"

"No, but isn't it obvious?"

Kim cocked an eyebrow. "Obvious that after everything Adrienne went through – the sex scandals and the illegal drugs and the partying and sense of losing you, after FINALLY coming back to be in your life – you think she's going to be HAPPY about you moving out?"

"I didn't say she'd be 'happy' about it. I said she'd be more comfortable. Look at the last two weeks: I haven't SEEN her for the last two weeks. She's avoiding me, plain and simple, and the sooner I'm gone from this apartment, the easier it'll be for her."

"Easier for her? Or easier for you? Easier to surround yourself with horny nymphomaniacs like Dawn, the twins, and even June now, rather than face the loss of another fiancée? You want to get out of this building so you don't have to see your two ex-girlfriends be supremely happy together WITHOUT you. You don't want that constant reminder that once again, your big attempt at Happily Ever After came crashing down around your feet."

I lowered my eyelids and scowled. "You really suck at this whole 'cheering a guy up' thing."

"You think I'm trying to cheer you up?"

"Clearly, you're not."

Kim waggled her eyebrows at me.

I took a deep breath, stared straight out the windshield, and exhaled slowly. I kept exhaling, letting my shoulders sag as I bowed my head and closed my eyes. And after taking another deep breath, I collected myself, opened my eyes, and turned to face Kim.

"You're trying to tell me I'm running away from the situation," I began. "As much as I hate Adrienne running away from me, you want me to realize I'm trying to do the same. I can't leave, not yet. Maybe moving to Berkeley IS the right decision in the end. I honestly think you'll be better off living close to campus – there are good preschools in the area, and I WILL be happier having Dawn and the twins close by – but I have to sit down and work things out with Adrienne first. I can't just spring this on her, tell her the decision's been made after the fact. I have to address my current situation with both her and Sasha, get that settled, and THEN I can seriously consider moving back to Berkeley."

Kim blinked slowly, remained silent, and finally started to smile.

"But back to you. You were pretty quiet during the first conversation. And even accounting for the fact that it was hard to get a word in edgewise while everyone else got all excited about the possibilities, you haven't told me what a potential move would mean for YOU."

Kim blinked again and looked thoughtful. She glanced into the backseat to check on BJ before returning her attention to me, saying, "The advantages are obvious: school, BJ. I have to admit, I'd really like it if June moved with us, but that's not a certainty. I think my father would like it if we moved away from Adrienne and Sasha, but that's because he still doesn't like the idea of any other women ranking higher in your life than me. He still likes to believe you'll eventually decide to marry me."

I sighed, thinking about my last conversation with Kim just before I left for New York, and how I'd never truly deserve to marry her. "About that..." I began.

Kim held a hand up and closed her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she shook her head and opened her eyes to give me a firm look. "Don't worry about it. Nothing's changed between us. I've told him before, even if he won't believe it, that I'm the one that doesn't want to marry you."

I nodded. "June might not move with us. It could really just be you, me, and BJ in that house together, our own little family unit."

Kim pursed her lips and gave me a wan smile. "It sounds nice. It really does."

I frowned. "But..."

"No 'buts'. It sounds nice."

I arched an eyebrow skeptically.

Kim sighed and looked out the windshield again. "I just don't want you to get any ideas about marriage, about settling for me as your lifetime endgame. Even if it's just the three of us in a house together for a little while, we both know it won't be like that forever."

"I'm not asking for forever. I'm only asking for now."

Kim sighed. "It's all a moot point until you and Adrienne resolve things between you."

"We will." I nodded. "And after then?"

Kim took a deep breath and gave me a shrug. "I'm not getting my hopes up just yet. After you and Adrienne come to a resolution, we can talk about it again."

I raised both eyebrows and gave her a bit of a smirk. "Not getting your hopes up 'just yet'? That means you WANT to move, right?"

"Adrienne first." Kim chuckled and shook her head, finally letting out a long sigh as she stared out the window again, her eyebrows furrowing. And she muttered almost to herself, "Adrienne always comes first..."

The slap came out of nowhere, fast enough to catch me completely by surprise and still hard enough to really, really hurt. My head rotated with the impact, pain exploding from my left cheek so acutely that I briefly wondered if she'd knocked a tooth out. And the force of her strike was strong enough to send me off balance, forcing me to stagger several steps to my right lest I fall flat on my face.

"You're fucking LEAVING me!?!" Adrienne howled with raging disbelief. "After everything we've been through, everything I did to pick up my entire life and come back to you, you're fucking... ABANDONING me!?!"

Holding my left cheek with one hand, I grimaced and stretched my jaw open and shut a couple of times, trying to make sure it still worked properly. My ears were ringing, and my vision swam with vertigo. But after a few seconds, I managed to stand up straight. And still holding my jaw, I turned to glare at my ex-fiancée as I yelled back, "I'm not abandoning you!"

"What? You trying to claim you DIDN'T just say you were moving with Kim and BJ back to Berkeley?!? You want me to believe you DIDN'T just say to my face that you don't want to be a part of my life anymore?!?"

"I didn't say we ARE moving! I said we're CONSIDERING it! I said I wanted to TALK to you about it! And I never said I didn't want to be a part of your life anymore! Actually, I said that I'll ALWAYS be a part of your life, even if I'm no longer part of your daily routine!"

"It's the same fucking THING!" Adrienne threw her hands up in the air and stomped away toward the floor-to-ceiling windows of our living room. Night had fallen before she and Sasha had even come home, and outside the windows the city lights were all around us. Dinner was done. BJ had been put to bed. There was nothing left to do tonight but talk.

But our talk wasn't going so well.

Still holding my jaw, I gave Sasha a tight look. She sighed and walked after Adrienne, reaching up to hold her girlfriend's shoulder with one hand while stroking the blonde's back with the other. But Adrienne shrugged her shoulder free of Sasha's grip and took another step away.

I glanced over at Kim, who had been silent, as usual. I didn't particularly expect her to help me out in this conversation in any way. Her modus operandi was to watch, listen, let me make a fool of myself, critique me in private after, and hope that I did a better job next time.

Taking a deep breath, I dropped my hand away from my cheek and splayed my arms out to the sides. "What do you want from me? I'm here now, right here, standing in front of you. You're here, standing in front of me for the first time in recent memory. I'm trying to communicate, alright? I'm trying to make sense of the way our relationship fell apart. I'm trying to understand why you've been avoiding me so much all this time. I'm trying to do what's right for both of us. And I'm trying to figure out what you need me to do!"

"I need you to not fucking abandon me, alright?" Adrienne whirled back to face me. "I need to know that even when I jet off to some tropical getaway for work, you'll always be here waiting for me. I need to know that when I run away to Santa Barbara to try and distract myself from spending all my time with my face buried in Sasha's lap sobbing my heart out, that you'll still love me when I finally come home. I need to know that I'm still living up to MY promise to Mom that I'll never leave you, because I could never bear the guilt of failing in that promise after everything she's done for me."

I sighed. "You really need to put that guilt part aside. It doesn't do either of us any good for you to keep making decisions based upon a sense of obligation to Mom."

Adrienne let her head fall back while she groaned at the ceiling. "Easier said than done."

"As for needing reassurance that I'll be here waiting for you at the end of your travels, I will be, if that's what you want. But doing so doesn't require that I stay here in this apartment if that's not what's best for both of us. Worst case, I'll have to make a 20-minute BART ride from Berkeley to be here for you."

"So you ARE moving out," Adrienne muttered bitterly, crossing her arms over her chest.

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "You don't want me here. Not really."

"Don't try to tell me what -I- want or do not want. I know myself better than you."

"Do you? Really? Because the things you SAY you want tend to be rather different from the way you ACT about what you want. I hear you say you want me around, but then you've been avoiding me for weeks. I heard you SAY you wanted me to be your beard, but then you came out to the world in public and issued a press release about being gay. And I heard you SAY you wanted to marry me, but then you didn't want to discuss wedding plans, didn't want to talk to me about having kids, and didn't even make much effort to spend time with me while you flew off to all these exotic getaways with Sasha."

Whimpering, Adrienne's voice cracked as she said, "What I know right now is that I don't want you to move out."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to lose you! Not again! I've lost you enough times in my life already, alright?" Her voice became shrill at the end of that as she hugged herself more tightly and the first tears began to roll down her cheeks. Sasha stepped up behind her and enfolded her in a hug.

"When have you ever really lost me? Brooke? Grace? New York? We've always come back together in the end."

"So far. What if next time we don't?" She held up her jewelry-free hand, extending the bare ring finger for emphasis. "This is a REALLY hard one to come back from."

I raised both eyebrows and gave her a frank look. "Well you're the one who took the ring off."

"You think I WANTED to? The ring itself didn't matter anymore. It was a fraud, drummed up for public relations to mask a sexual orientation I didn't care about hiding anymore. The ring came off before Hawaii, before Tahoe, when YOU decided you didn't want to be engaged to me anymore."

Setting my jaw, I glared at her and shot back, "I gave you a choice. You chose her." I gestured with my chin to Sasha.

"You FORCED me to choose between you! You made an ultimatum! Nobody responds well to an ultimatum!"

"An ultimatum for you to ACTUALLY make an effort toward marrying me! Jeez, some terrible ultimatum for a guy to give his fiancée... 'Uh, you said you wanted to marry me. Now are you actually gonna do it or not?'"

"I NEVER stopped wanting to marry you. I just realized that YOU didn't really want to marry ME! You NEVER expected me to marry you! You ALWAYS believed I'd eventually crack, and when the FIRST fucking opportunity came, you--"

"Alright, that's ENOUGH!"

The sound of Kim's voice was a shock to everyone. Sasha, Adrienne, and I all stared at the normally silent young woman with wide eyes and open jaws.

Kim sighed. "You two are NOT rehashing past arguments, alright? The engagement is over. It sucks for everyone. You all feel hurt. You all wish things hadn't turned out like this. And it doesn't fucking matter who's to blame anymore. What you're doing NOW is figuring out where to go from here, alright?"

Adrienne continued to stare at Kim in surprise, blinking erratically.

Taking a deep breath, I turned back to the couch and sat down beside Kim, but I kept my butt at the edge of the seat and leaned forward with my elbows on my knees and my hands clasped. Looking up at Adrienne, I took a deep breath and tried to start again.

"You've been taking these trips to give us all some space, and it's not like you weren't coming back. Your words, not mine," I began. "The wounds are still raw. The pain is still fresh. It's hard to be around each other without thinking about everything we've lost. Despite the trips, space, I think, is something we all still need."

Turning to Sasha, I continued, "And while Adrienne has a career that lets her flit off whenever she wants to get that space from me, you've been burning up stockpiled vacation days like there's no tomorrow. I know you can't keep this up forever without losing your job. So unless you two plan on spending more and more nights in hotels, me staying here would mean the three of us wouldn't get the space we all need. It's logical for me and Kim to move out right now. But that doesn't mean we can't ever come back after things settle down."

"Pssht," Adrienne scoffed. "If you leave, you're never coming back."

Sasha rubbed Adrienne's shoulder. "You don't know that."

Adrienne shook her head and started tearing up again as she stared at her girlfriend. "I'm going to lose him."

"You're never going to lose me," I insisted.

"I've already lost you," Adrienne mourned as she turned back to me.

I sighed and rubbed my forehead, feeling like we were going in circles. "Well if you've already lost me, then what's the big deal?"

"I've lost most of you. I'm scared to lose the rest."

I sighed. "Well then let's consider the alternative. Let's figure out what would happen if we DID stay. What then? Kim and I keep going through our daily routines while you pop in and out like nothing's changed? You come home, we have an awkward dinner staring across the table at each other thinking about how it all went wrong? You and Sasha cuddle on the couch watching Conan while I stare over at you wishing I could sandwich myself between you? I listen to you two having sex without me, feeling left out and lost for the way our relationship used to be? You listen to me having sex without you?"

Sasha stood up straight. "Is THAT it? The sex? Because if that's really the big deal, maybe the three of us should be having sex again."

Adrienne rubbed her forehead and shook free of Sasha's grasp as she paced back to the window. "No. Lack of sex is the symptom, not the problem."

"We've lost our intimacy," I explained directly to Adrienne, following her with my eyes. "We don't know how to BE together anymore. Friends? Siblings? Lovers? I still care a lot about you. I want you happy. I want you safe and secure. But it's hard to be around you without feeling a sense of loss over what used to be, and it's not JUST missing sex. There's tension every time we're around each other, uncomfortable tension. I don't know how to let it go. So I honestly think it's best that I move out, and we can spend some time apart living our lives free of that sort of tension. Hopefully down the road, you and I will be able to stand in front of each other without that tension between us. And only then will we be able to start again."

"Start again?" Adrienne scoffed as she turned back to face me. "You really think I want to start again?!"

"You don't want to ever start again?"

"NO!"

"I don't understand. Two seconds ago you were worried about losing me forever. But now, even after things settle down, you're saying you don't want us to start again?"

"Starting again means starting over." Adrienne stomped back toward us. "You really think I want to start all over from scratch? After everything I've been through already to come this far? FUCK, Ben!"

"That's not what I meant. I just--"

"FUCK, Ben!"

"I know you're upset right now."

"FUCK 'upset'. I'm fucking ANGRY! I'm feeling FUCKING BETRAYED! Do you have ANY idea how hard it was for me to come this far? I did everything you ever asked of me, and after all that it STILL wasn't good enough! I KNEW you were always dreaming of 'The One', and I wanted to be that 'One' for you. For YOU. I had my demons, my issues, and I was working to overcome them. Even the big 'having kids' demon. I've enjoyed my time doting on BJ as Auntie Adrienne. I spent a lot of afternoons sitting on that couch chatting with Kim about the challenges and rewards of motherhood. And I honestly started to think, 'Maybe... ' Maybe in time, and with a lot of family help from our sisters and the girls around us, I thought I might be able to raise your child and not fuck it up. For the kid's sake, you know? I thought I had more time. We were 23, and you weren't pressuring me into any wedding plans just yet. So yeah, I thought I had more time. I thought you were being patient with me, letting me explore my career while you went about repairing your relationships with Dawn and DJ and the others. I thought you were being the Ben I've always loved: always steady, always there when I needed you, my rock forever, all without being needy or clingy. Boy was I wrong. You weren't being patient. You weren't being the 'perfect boyfriend'. You were just falling OUT of love with me, convinced that -I- was gonna fuck up our engagement before you had to be the bad guy and end it first. After everything I did, after finally, finally letting myself believe I might actually be a worthy wife, a worthy mother, I FINALLY figure out that you NEVER intended to actually marry me!"

"Adrienne--"

"What. The. FUCK?!?" she interrupted, flinging her hands out at me.

"Adrienne--"

"You know what? Move to Berkeley! Good fucking riddance!" She waved her hand dismissively. "Get the fuck out of here! I don't want you around anymore anyway."

"Adrienne--"

"Fuck this!" Turning on her heel, Adrienne stomped off for her bedroom.

"Running away again I see," I called after her in disgust.

"Fuck off and DIE!" she yelled without turning back. A few seconds later, her bedroom door slammed shut, the sound echoing down the hallway.

Sighing, Sasha gave me an apologetic look and went after her.

Shaking my head, I looked over at Kim and muttered, "Guess we'd better start looking for Berkeley rentals."

-- WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16, 2008 --

"I'm really sorry it came down to this," Sasha said quietly, looking over the bags and boxes we'd packed up and stacked in the living room by the front door. It was Wednesday night, three days after that last big fight with Adrienne. We'd gone out of our way to avoid each other for the most part, Adrienne spending most of her time out of the apartment and holing herself up in her bedroom for the few hours she DID spend here. In some ways, it felt like the past three days had been an eternity, the tension between us making each and every second drag on interminably. In other ways, it felt like things were happening too fast.

I didn't actually expect to find a rental house that suited our needs this quickly. Housing was always pretty scarce in a college town, especially since I wanted a detached 3-bedroom and not some tiny apartment in a three-story block of other identical apartments. It was just a matter of low supply and high demand.

But Kim hit upon the proverbial needle in the haystack when she discovered a couple of students trying to get out of their lease for a 3-bedroom, 2-bathroom house only a few blocks away from my old college pad. Apparently their two roommates had dropped out of school after the previous semester, and while the remaining couple had originally tried to recruit new roommates to pay the rent, they'd broken up with each other instead and now wanted to split up into separate housing. Since the Spring Semester had only started yesterday, the timing was perfect for them to move out and for us to take over their lease for the remainder of the academic year, with the option to renew it in June.

Sitting on the couch with my elbow on the armrest and my chin in my palm, I sighed and surveyed all my material belongings, save for my bed linens and the clothes and toiletries I'd need in the morning. Night had fallen, Kim had just gone into her bedroom to put BJ to sleep, and Adrienne was holed up in her bedroom avoiding me, much as she'd done for the past three evenings. But Sasha had done her best to remain cordial, even friendly. She'd taken every chance she could get to play with BJ while he was still here, perhaps even more heartbroken at losing him than losing me. And she had also helped me and Kim pack our belongings in preparation for tomorrow morning's big move.

Sasha now sat beside me, one arm around my shoulders in a chaste hug as we both stared toward the bags and boxes. I reached up to pat her hand on my shoulder, finally replying, "I'm sorry, too."

"You will come to visit, right?"

"That's up to Adrienne now, I think," I replied with a sigh before glancing over at her and impulsively pecking her cheek. "Of course, you're welcome to come visit the new place whenever you want instead. Less awkward that way."

Sasha chuckled. "Yeah well send me a text whenever you come up for air after Dawn and the twins stop trying to drown you in pussy."

I chuckled and patted her hand. "Why wait? I'm sure they'd love you to join in. The twins, especially, I think you'd have a LOT of fun with."

Something sizzled in Sasha's eyes, and she murmured, "That's really, really tempting."

I felt something sizzle in my eyes. It had been far too long since Sasha and I had been physically intimate. Of course, there was a reason for that, and with a sigh I broke eye contact. "Well, maybe someday far off in the future, when this thing with Adrienne blows over."

"Maybe not so far off as you think. I honestly can't hook up with Dawn or the twins since Adrienne and I are still maintaining monogamy, but you're the one exception. Throughout everything, she keeps insisting she'd be just fine with you and me having sex. Even just this morning she told me to seduce you before you left. But I told her I couldn't. I wouldn't. Not without her."

"You don't want to eat Swiss chocolate – or was it an In-N-Out Double-Double? – in front of her."

"Not 'in front of her'. Felt wrong to do it without her. For such a long time, even when it was just you and me one-on-one, I knew in my heart we were always three."

I sighed. "Not anymore."

Sasha sighed too. "I know it. Just having a hard time accepting it."

"You have to. The 'triple' is finished, and it's not coming back."

"My fault. I'm sorry."

"Not your fault."

"Kinda is my fault."

I snorted. "The failure of my relationship with Adrienne had nothing to do with you."

"Pfft. I STOLE her from you, remember? If I wasn't in the picture, she never would have left you."

I shook my head. "I know it looks like that on the surface, but the problems between Adrienne and me run deeper than that. Adrienne falling in love with you was never the deal-breaking crisis I made it out to be. And even if you hadn't been around, she wouldn't have been ready to marry me."

"Yet. She wouldn't have been ready to marry you yet."

"Point is: it wasn't your fault, and I'm not blaming you. If anything, I'm really happy she has you. I couldn't do this if she were left all alone."

"I'm pretty happy to have her, too. I just wish I could have you both, like in the old days." She sighed and set the side of her head against mine.

I managed a smile and patted her hand on my shoulder again. "Yeah, those were good times."

"Lying in bed together, sandwiching you in the middle between our naked bodies," Sasha mused dreamily. Her hand slid down from my shoulder and onto my chest. "Rubbing your pecs – these things are solid – and caressing your legs until her hand and mine met in the middle so we could take turns stroking your dick."

I shifted a little in my seat, feeling a little blood rush into my crotch as Sasha continued murmuring into my ear.

She sighed, muttering, "I actually can't remember the last time I got laid. I mean, other than by Adrienne wearing a strap-on Ben Junior pounding the shit outta me while telling me to close my eyes and fantasize it's the real you. Definitely not since Christmas. Really, it's gotta be ... What? Since the day we got back from Napa? Right?"

"Umm, yeah ... I think..." I inhaled sharply when Sasha's other hand slid up my inner thigh and brushed over my growing bulge.

"We took turns that day. Adrienne went first, and I sat in the chair warming myself up so that after she came, I could just flop onto my back and let you slam all the way into me," she breathed, biting my ear.

"Sasha..." I murmured, only half-heartedly warning her. It wasn't like I hadn't gotten laid recently, but it HAD been a long time since I'd bedded her, and my heartbeat was speeding up in anticipation.

"The feel of Adrienne's lips on mine, her tongue tickling my teeth while I scream in orgasm from your big dick pounding in and out of me..." Sasha slid her hands into the front of my shorts, wrapping her fingers around the rapidly-hardening big dick she was rhapsodizing about. "Lying on top of her face-to-face, our big tits mashing together while you switch back and forth pounding our pussies from behind..."

"Sasha..." I groaned, this time with a bit of a pleading note in my voice. Whether I was pleading for her to stop or pleading for her to hurry up and get my shorts off, even -I- wasn't sure.

But she apparently took my tone as a plea for her to stop. Her hand still gripped my rod, but she'd stopped stroking it. Her voice stopped murmuring dirty fantasies into my ear. And she breathed heavily while hanging her chin over the crest of my shoulder. "I'm sorry," she muttered. "It's just been a really, really long time for me. And now that you're moving out tomorrow morning, I really don't know what I'm gonna do."

She's gonna find herself some OTHER big dick to mount. Sasha's not 100% lesbian – that's what Adrienne said, right? She wants cock, and if she keeps going without yours, the next time Adrienne whisks her off to some modeling shoot in an exotic location with half-naked male models with massive pecs and bigger bulges, maybe she just might give in.

Well we can't have THAT now, can we?

I turned within Sasha's grasp, her hand on my shoulder now hooking around the back of my neck. I stared down at her while she looked up at me with large, luminous brown eyes that seemed to glow of their own accord. And I tilted my face toward hers.

I could see Sasha's heart racing in her eyes as she raised her chin and puckered up, meeting my lips and closing her eyes as she gave herself over to the kiss. I wrapped my arms around her while she tightened her hand grips on both my dick and my neck. And we both inhaled sharply as our mutual passion flared to life, mouths opening and tongues extending until I pushed her backwards to lie down across the couch.

The last time we started making out like this, I'd torn myself away. This time I didn't pull back. Her arms tightened around my torso, insisting that she'd never let me go. I pressed my weight down on top of her, physically reclaiming dominance over my ex-girlfriend, at least for now. Our lips barely parted for the next five minutes as we kissed and fondled and kissed and tugged at clothing and kissed and groaned and kissed some more.

The first time I really pulled back was only AFTER I'd slammed balls-deep inside Sasha's creaming cunt, her legs wrapped around my waist to keep my cock all the way inside. Her butt was at the very edge of the couch cushions, her shoulders and head against the backrest as she looked up at me. I planted both hands on her big D-cup tits, locking both elbows as I pushed myself up off her chest to look down at the gorgeous brunette skewered by my spear. And we both grinned silly grins at each other before I lowered myself back down to start kissing her again.

A few minutes later, we'd reversed positions so that Sasha was on top, her hands braced atop the backrest as she used those dancer muscles to writhe and wriggle in my lap like we were back in a private room at Nocturne. She let me play with her big boobies for a bit, suckling on one dusky rose nipple then the other. She smothered my face in them, holding my head against her chest while grinding her pelvis down against mine. And she grabbed my skull behind my ears, tilting it for me to look up at her while she stared down at me with a look of wonder, love, and anguish all at the same time.

"I want this to go on forever," she murmured while continuing to fuck me. "I wish things never had to change."

"Life will always change," I muttered back, giving her a sad-eyed look that brought her down to kiss me sweetly.

Her hip thrusts changed from aggressive humping into circular gyrations. She started working her inner muscles to squeeze and caress my manhood, hugging Big Ben as if for the very last time. I was filled with a sense of melancholy, something I was sure she could feel in our kiss. And she pressed herself even harder against my lips, a sad moan bubbling up from her throat as she kissed me with as much passion as we'd ever shared in our entire relationship.

"I want to feel you fill me," she murmured briefly while catching her breath. And then she went right back to kissing me for a minute before breaking away again to add, "Spray your hot, sticky cum all over my insides and spread your heat into every part of my body until I feel like I'm drowning from within. I want to feel your warm, wriggling sperm swimming around my womb again. Please? Give it all to me? Pretty please?"

My arms cinched tighter around her body at her words, and I started bouncing my butt off the springy couch cushions to thrust up into her body harder.

"Fuck me, Ben ... Fuck me and fill me..." Sasha crooned, breaking our kiss again and hanging her head over my shoulder while holding me tight. "Harder ... Deeper ... Fuck me and fucking fill me..."

"I'm fucking you," I grunted. "I'm fucking you. So sweet. So tight. I'm fucking you ... Gonna fill you..."

Her hip thrusts went back to up and down fucking motions, but her inner muscles continued to squeeze and caress me, milking my prick for its precious cum. "I'm sorry I could never love you the way you needed me to," she groaned. "To be the Number One you always wanted. To be your wife and take Adrienne off the hook for that role. If I had, maybe you would've still had us both. In the end I took her away from you, and for that I'm so, so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I only ever wanted to love you. And I DID love you, in my own way. I always appreciated you. I always cared about you. I'm so very thankful for everything you've done for me. You have every right to hate me, but instead you continue to care."

"I do care for you. I WILL always love you. And this WON'T be the last time we ever do this, alright?"

"Promise?" Sasha's tears started landing on my face. She humped me harder and harder, each downward impact shaking drop after drop of salty sadness free from her cheeks. "You really promise?"

"I promise," I assured her. "We will ALWAYS be friends."

"Oh fuck me, Ben. Fuck me! You're still my first love. You'll forever be my first in so many ways. You unlocked my heart. You unleashed my soul. You gave me her. You deserve so much more from me. I DO love you, in my own way. I'll ALWAYS love you. And I'll never ever forget the way you've made me feel."

"Oh, Sasha ... My Sasha..."

"Ben ... My one and only Ben..." she crooned. "Fuck me... Fuck meeee. Fuck me and FILL me... !"

"I'm gonna fill you," I grunted, feeling myself get close. "I'm gonna fill you!"

"Fill me, Ben! Explode deep inside my body and smother my senses in your sperm! Fill me please! Fuck me and fill me! Fuck me and ... Ungh! Ungh! Ungh! Gaaawwwwwwnnnnngggghhhh!!!"

Sasha slammed down onto me one last time and stayed there, screaming as a monster orgasm tore its way across her body. Her pussy was spasming against my shaft super-fast, but I wanted just a little more sensation so I grabbed her ass and physically yanked her entire body up and down three times in a row, masturbating myself with her creaming cunt. And then I held her down against my crotch, bellowing my own release as I erupted wave after wave of hot lava up into her soaking-wet snatch.

"FILL ME!" Sasha screamed, still orgasming as she felt the first impacts of steaming spunk splash against her inner walls.

"FILL ME!" she shrieked again as I groaned and blasted out another load.

"FILL ME!!!" she howled to the ceiling as she threw her head back, holding my head in her hands and shoving it back into her cleavage while she rabbit-humped me and thrashed about in her climactic fury.

And then we collapsed, me dropping against the backrest with Sasha falling with me against my chest. Her body went limp like a rag doll's as I cradled her against me and pressed her cheek to the side of mine. My chest heaved from the effort of replenishing my body's lost supply of oxygen, and she shuddered against me as well, still crying, still clutching my shoulders like she never wanted to let go.

"I'm sorry, Ben," she repeated when she finally caught her breath, still crying.

"It's not your fault," I reassured her, stroking her naked spine.

"I'm still sorry. Sorry for you. Sorry for her. Sorry for me. This whole situation just fucking SUCKS."

"I know it does. But it's the way it is. But we both have to believe things will get better. Someday, hopefully soon, Adrienne and I will figure out how to fix our relationship. But until then, I need you to be strong for her, alright? Can you do that for me? Can you do that for her?"

Still sobbing, Sasha cried against my shoulder even while nodding her head. "Of course. Of course I can."

Wrapping my arm up and around Sasha's head, I closed my eyes and continued to hold her until her crying finally died out and she went silent in my lap. My cock had gone mostly limp but was still trapped inside her soaked pussy. But I was in no hurry to pull out, content to continue holding Sasha for as long as I could. Neither of us could really know when we might ever do this again.

But eventually, Sasha's breathing turned regular, almost too regular, and I glanced down to check if she'd fallen asleep. Her eyes were closed, but she opened them when she felt my gaze on her, and she gave me a sad but warm smile. I smiled back, patted the back of her head, and went back to squeezing her body against my chest. At the same time, I took a deep breath and looked up, only now noticing that Kim had emerged from her bedroom at some point and hung back in the shadows, almost out of sight so as not to disturb us.

Kim noticed me looking at her, and she gave me a quiet smile. But she also raised her eyebrows and looked pointedly toward the other hallway. So I raised my head and glanced around, blinking in surprise to see that Adrienne was likewise hanging back in the shadows, almost out of sight as she watched us.

I just sort of stared at my ex-fiancée, not sure what to think about her watching us. Did she feel betrayed watching her girlfriend eat the In-N-Out double-double? Was she relieved that her not-100% lesbian girlfriend had finally gotten laid? Was she horny and wanted to join in? Or was she saddened to think that she might not be enough for Sasha on her own? I really didn't know.

But I didn't have much time to think about it. Adrienne noticed me looking at her, and after a moment's hesitation, she also gave me a quiet smile. And after taking a deep breath, she turned around and walked out of sight.

She turned around and walked out of your life.

I'm not dead yet. There's a lot of life left to live. We'll get past this. Somehow ... someway ... I'll get her back.

You sure about that?

I'm sure. I promise you. Which means I promise ME. Not today. Probably not tomorrow. But someday, I'll get her back.

I'm gonna hold you to that promise.

I wouldn't have it any other way.