The After Thoughts

I have been more comfortable the more I've been around him. Lord knows everything in me runs in flight mode and shuts down after what Charlie did to me and my two kids. You know that heavy feeling in your chest where your heart hurts so bad, but you can't cry and you don't know how to really feel? I hate that. It happens too much.

Why did you have to lose that? The loss of respect is sinking in now, that's so important to me. It changes everything. EVERYTHING. I know guys show naughty pictures to their friends and I was okay with him bragging a bit. He doesn't know though, that his one friend, a friend of mine and my dad's raped me.

It's only now that I think of the obsessions people can have. How ill intentions can be so easily covered up by jokes, advise, and truly I think, by lightly flattering their admiration of you in different ways. I'm upset about the pictures right now, not the deed that happened. I'm upset that when your other friend made a comment about a picture I sent you, your face turned red. With all honesty these feelings aren't valid and here's why. When I gave him my number my note said no obligations. I'm a man (woman) of my word. The consequence of my word. MY WORD. That's really why I feel like this, and the hope that just maybe he'd start to like me back. Well look what we have again, hurt by my OWN EXPECTATIONS.

I'm tired and hope I can remember to write about how I feel about love and hope. Irony. This is all for me, my side. I want to shout it out, but like places such as this so that it's still quietly my story. One that you probably can't keep up with because all this is for me.

I changed people's names to particular ones that I also hope to remember to explain.