Hardy, not Tough

If you've ever almost died before you know how fast thoughts can race through your head. In ten seconds you can recall years of things in your life. They're not collected memories, they don't have an order in which they play out and you don't have a choice in what you think about. The same goes for anxiety and depression, but It's almost worse because it happens all the time.

When I was little I was usually alone or with one of my pets. As I grew older I didn't change much except that I longed for a partner to share my days with. Well, as my dad always says: "Want in one hand and shit in the other. See which one fills up faster." Now, I'm not sure if I found out naturally or the hard way, but damn he nailed it. I just can't get it right and my stupid avoidant personality disorder doesn't help a thing. It makes it so much harder to function in my everyday life. I chalk it up to not belonging in this era or not belonging here at all. I literally can't relate to many others and the way I express myself is almost self sabotaging either immediately or down the road. I recognize that I avoid major things like getting the mail and so I'll have a day or two when I'm on top of it, but all of a sudden my train crashes again and I avoid even looking at the mail man. Bills are in the mail you guys... see where I'm going?

How did you express how you feel to a doctor or family when they ask about it? How do you say you completely shut down and can't think because of financial and social anxiety? I have what I call internet balls right now telling you this, but it's never like this person to person. I would rather run and hide, avoid the doctor whip I get anxiety seeing for all my medical crap, and I avoid my family who ask and talk to each other about me and probably my weirdness.

So, I sat on it long enough and told Cowboy I was raped. He was pissed, but I have no idea what he did because I'm avoiding him. I know something went down because the guy is leaving me alone and last time couldn't look me in the eye. You're probably wondering why I still see him... well he is one of my dad's friends and I was friends with his ex wife. It's an awkward situation and I come to realize that one of my biggest flaws is not being able to say what I think to people who do me wrong just because they're being nice to me now. But how do I explain to Cowboy that I felt like I cheated? How do I explain that I felt like when it came to being with Cowboy that I felt like I was on the bottom of the totem pole without this happening? How do I tell him his friend held me down and ripped off my pants saying "Fuck Cowboy, he's not even a real friend."? How do I explain that I gave excuses, in my drink and stupor, as to why I couldn't have sex instead of saying no? How the fuck do I tell him he took out my tampon before he took what he wanted?

The hardest thing I think about explaining is how I kept talking to him after he did it, because I hadn't fully comprehended the extent of what he did and had been blaming myself for his actions. Gosh and that's my brains only save point. HIS ACTIONS. I invited him out WITH my brother and I. He didn't even want to come in the bar or show his face hardly and asked me to go on a roadie shortly after arriving. He knew I was drunk and had it in his head he was going to have me despite me talking about Cowboy the whole time. My intentions were pure and his were not, but explaining my coward actions are hard when I don't really know why.

I'm almost sick with anxiety wanting to hear from Cowboy, but not really at the same time. Will it be now that he thinks I'm too weak because last time I saw him I said I was cold even though it was 56° and he said I need to toughen up. Is the the breaking point for him? The silence is deafening. All I can hear are my assembly line thoughts... never ending.

If you're interested in listening to the song I related to after I was raped it's called "Alone in a Room" by Asking Alexandria. It explains that and my spinal illness, my APD, my nursing career going to shit all in one.

Listen to "What it's Like" by Everlast if you want to feel connected when nobody understands why you're doing what you're doing.