While the Sun Shines

Silence. I'm bleeding in silence. There comes a time when you want to know, but not really. Are my thoughts more cruel than his? Is he ashamed he didn't protect me? Does he not believe me?

It doesn't matter. Charlie ignored me almost for three years and I'll be damned I'm going to let Cowboy. What a cruel thing to do though. But seriously, what is it he was told or knows or thinks he knows?! Whatever it is I guess I have a clear answer on how he feels, it's just breaking my heart.

I'm at such a low place mentally that no matter how much I like Cowboy I have to do whatever it takes to get over him, as fast as I can. Charlie left in part because I got ill, and now Cowboy after I was raped. There's no words to describe the hurt and abandonment. This is something you feel... That heavy chested feeling while your crying and no words can come out. Like that, but I've already cried and it's just a heavy feeling.

I've had a crush on Cowboy before I met Charlie, and I was so happy to finally hook up. I think that's why out hurts so bad.

Enough of that for now. I gotta give a name to my rapist so I'll call him Ford. Well I found out that he doesn't even live where he raped me. I thought it was weird there was just a blow up mattress and almost nothing else. I think he fucking set it up after I invited him out with my brother and I. I don't know, I've never been there before so I might be jumping to conclusions. I do know however, that he actually lives with his girlfriend.

It's all so much to handle mentally and I'm not close enough to anybody to talk to about it. My mom is a cold one, she told me to just get over it. I think she knows more than she let's on, and same with my dad. I think I might be so worked up it's all in my head too. There's just very specific questions I feel they could only ask if they talked to Cowboy. Fucked if I know. And here's a good question that might be in my head too: Did the fucker video it? Did I do something I don't remember?

Not knowing sucks, but moving on actually might not be a bad idea. There's somebody in this sea of faces who will put my heart to rest, who I can melt into when the day is rough, who will love me in bed but also during the day.