Chapter 44: Confronting the many mistakes

It happened instantly one moment he was standing underground and next to the sword, and the next, he was in a wide and open landscape. The ground was completely smooth and light blue in colour, reflecting the light from above him. It ran on indefinitely around him so that he could not see its end or any discernible structures such as hills, mountains or trees or buildings. It was completely empty, and the white sky hung above it just as empty, itself containing no stars, no moon or clouds.

The sudden location change did not occupy his thoughts. Instead, they were filled with regrets. What had he sacrificed to get here, he wondered to himself, knowing that it had all been too much. He had lost his family, his only friends and now apparently even what he had set out to find. This realization, now that the desire to lay claim to the sword had left his head, overwhelmed him, and he sank to the ground and leant against it, crying over all of the people that he had betrayed. Images of Favian, Maria, Owen, his father and Aura, and even Sadis and Thea and the scholars he had known in Illyria all filled his head, which was finally occupied by an image of Cat.

He had failed them all.

The idea of his leaving of Cat pained him the most. Cat had been the first true friend he had made since arriving in Anadora, and he had stayed by his side to the very end, even as a certain desire had made Kira forget just why he was so valuable. The thought of Cat lying outside in the cold and rain and likely dying was too much for him. It was all too much to have all of these feelings return to him simultaneously, and he did not know what to do and felt sick, without the strength to stand.

But he absolutely had to, he soon told himself, partially coming back to his senses. Cat could still be alive, and he resolved to get back to him and save him from the fate that he himself had given to him. Kira did not expect, nor feel worthy of, his forgiveness, but he could at least achieve that much. That way, the whole trip would not have been so much of a failure because at least they would have all survived. Then he remembered where he was, or rather, where he wasn't. This really was not good. Being locked inside of this empty place would stop him from even being able to help Cat, which would mean living with that sorrow for however long he now survived.

Determined to find a way out, he looked up from a growing puddle of tears and straight into the face of a boy. It wasn't just any boy either; it was his younger brother Favian. Kira blinked the water from his eyes to confirm what he was seeing, and the image did not go away. He could even sense Favian's aura meaning that he had to be the person in front of him. Several new thoughts then crossed his befuddled mind, primarily centring around one question, was he dead? If Favian was here, and he was in some sort of afterlife, then he could never get back to save Cat, and he would be forever doomed to live with the people that he had abandoned.

"You are so, so pathetic," said Favian, watching as Kira struggled to stand.

Pausing halfway, Kira could do little else than gape as his younger brother continued, "You left Arkadia behind. You're pathetic. If you'd been a bit smarter, and not so selfish, and extended the conditions that you placed on the Krinestadt manipulators, in a cleverer way, I wouldn't be dead."

"I'm sorry," replied Kira, struggling to speak through his emotions, "I… I tried my best… I didn't know what would happen…."

"You're best was worthless then." countered his brother, "You're so useless that your best couldn't even protect your little brother when you had a chance to."

"I... don't know what to say… I tried…"

"You got me killed!" exclaimed Favian, "And you didn't even think about me when you left Neuverie! Not just that, but you never played with me when we were together. You were the worst brother imaginable…."

The onslaught continued forcing Kira to crumple back onto his knees, far too weak to stand or even think about trying to escape to find Cat. There was nothing that he could do and nothing that he could think of to say, even if he had been able to move his mouth to do so.

From the behind of the belt that he was wearing, Favian drew a dagger. "I hate you," he said as he plunged it into Kira's neck.

So this is it, Kira thought, and he guessed that he probably deserved to die at the hands of someone he had betrayed as the pain engulfed him. A moment later, he woke up in the same place, but Favian was gone.

Instead, sitting a few strides in front of him was Maria, who was busy playing with her dolls. She didn't seem to have noticed him, but his attention was fixed on her as he waited for her judgment. "Father thinks you're a failure." She stated, never putting her eyes towards him, "I agree. You were never good enough to play the prince." and she marched the doll of a prince over to look towards him.

This time Kira could not say anything. He really wanted to, he wanted to go over and hug her and apologize for all the good that that would do, but it was just too difficult for him to manage, and he cursed his weakness. Maybe Favian had been right. Maybe he really was pathetic.

Completely taken back, he also could not do anything as Maria's prince doll grew in size until it towered over him wearing a ceremonial uniform, which he recognized as the same that he had worn on his birthday. From there, the monstrous doll leant down and picked Kira up in one gigantic hand. As he was raised to the creature's eye level he could feel such tremendous pressure on his ribs that he thought they might be broken, just then and there, but somehow they were not. This meant that he was doomed to live and see himself be eaten, from a first-person perspective, inside of the nutcracker-like mouth. Crack it went as it closed around him to engulf his body.

He woke up again, in the same place, and this time he gathered himself enough to quickly stand. He noticed as he did so, that he was holding a longsword in his hands. Across from him was Owen, holding his own hand-and-a-half blade.

"You… I never wanted to see you again, you absolute monster." Kira's brother spat at him. "You got my family killed; you humiliated me in front of everyone, and you never bothered to spend time with me always, engaged in your studying – a fat load of good that that did for you." He paced around Kira, "You are the worst brother to have ever lived; everyone in Arkadia hates you for abandoning them, including me. Why couldn't you have ever just been a brother to me?"

Kira could not reply, his tongue frozen as Owen continued and looked longingly up at the sky, "Well, I guess that it won't matter now; I'll beat you and humiliate you now, just for a change."

Suddenly, the landscape around Kira changed so that he was deep within the basin of a huge arena with thousands of people, all of the people that he had ever met, staring down at him. Owen then approached him with his blade. Kira could not muster the strength to lift his own and simply had to watch as Owen approached and ran him through. When he did, and Kira died, the crowd jeered at his corpse, and he heard them.

He awoke again, in the same place, leading him to wonder exactly how long this would last and whether or not this was a type of hell? A repetitive cycle of death to those who hated him, he certainly deserved it, but he still wanted another chance to save Cat. If he could just do that, and save the one that he still had the opportunity to, then he could die happy. This line of thought was soon removed when his father walked to stand in front of him and placed a strong, comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I had high hopes for you." Dain said, "I thought that maybe you would be able to one day bring Arkadia back from the brink. I heard only good things from your tutors in Illyria. I saw only good things when you arrived back to Neuverie, and I supported you in what I thought was a good thing when you placed those conditions on the attendant manipulators."

Kira could only listen to what he said next.

"But, alas," Dain went on forlornly, "My hopes were ill-placed, the scholars in Illyria must have been liars, your good nature just a façade and that condition placing was a mere badly thought out child's scheme. What a shame." and, still in his father's strong grip, Kira was held in place as Dain pulled out a knife with his free hand and stabbed it into his chest.

He was then left to die on the floor, in a pool of his own blood and, with the only thing to look forward to being resurrected and murdered, probably deservedly, again. But, as he lay dying, Kira thought, did he really deserve this? Yes, he had failed, but he had always tried his best, with the perspective on reality that he was granted, and that was what he had always wanted to achieve. He had tried, and he died somewhat calmer that time, knowing that he would try harder to apologize to whoever he saw next. However, the next two resurrections gave him little opportunity to do so.

In the first, he awoke face to face with Thea and Sadis who, ignoring his words, berated him for leaving them. He tried to explain how he thought he could do more to help the ordinary people as a manipulator that was not bound to Krinestadt than one that was, but this explanation fell on deaf ears. Eventually, seeing that they would not listen or stop in their own hatred of him, he sat before them, cross-legged, to wait and see what would happen next. He did not have to wait long because his two mentors killed him with their abilities. Thea teleported behind him and stabbed into his back before teleporting away to allow Sadis to crush him, and Kira felt it all.

He particularly felt what happened in the second resurrection. This time he was in the middle of a large circle of old men who all stared at him disapprovingly. He recognized them as the scholars who had taught him in Illyria and acted almost like a family to him when he had been there. Apparently, they recognized him too because they all took turns explaining exactly why they were disappointed with him and how he had failed to follow their teachings. Their words hit him like shards of wood, literally knitting themselves into ever larger spears before the individual men as they spoke and then flying into Kira when the next person began. The pain was excruciating, stopping him from even attempting to counter what they were saying, but he was not allowed to die until the final scholar had finished maybe half an hour later.

This process hurt him in a way beyond that of just bodily pain because he knew that, with every moment that passed, he was less likely to be able to save Cat, who was probably moving towards death himself. Kira had to find a way back to him.

The next resurrection was not a pleasant one. He woke up, in the same place, to be in front of Aura.

Now he would hopefully get a chance to try and explain himself if that was even possible given where he was, and he forced himself to stand and face her.

She was not particularly happy to see him. "You changed," she told him accusingly, "You stole from an innocent person; I'm fairly sure that you did actually kill some of those bandits."

"No, I didn't," replied Kira, although his mind was filled with doubts.

But she continued on ignoring him, "You betrayed all of your friends, and now you've got Cat killed, just like how you left your family to die. You really haven't improved, have you?"

Trying to say something then, he was immediately cut short when she walked up to him and punched him in the jaw, sending him sprawling onto the ground. Apparently, he wasn't able to defend himself with his aura anymore and, if anything, the power that came with being a manipulator seemed to have shifted to Aura because she was a lot stronger than she had before. The fact that she also knew about his family and Cat meant one of two things. Either they were both dead together, and she had somehow seen everything, which he hoped was not true as he had not been aware of her death and it would make it impossible to reach Cat, or she wasn't real.

That was an interesting thought, and it made him pause for a moment because, if this space was not real, there might not be a physical way to escape it at all. This idea was honestly terrifying, so he cast it aside.

"I wanted to have some sort of future with you," Aura said, "I don't know what sort, but you're just terrible. I was mistaken to ever trust you."

"I'm sorry," replied Kira, finally managing to get some words in, "I just, I just wasn't myself." although even as he said this, he could tell how weak an excuse it must have seemed to anyone looking in. This was also when he remembered Ghost. It was odd that Ghost had disappeared, and he was forced to wonder how far gone he really had been.

"That's a terrible excuse," she screamed in his face, hitting him again.

This continued for quite some time. It was difficult for him to maintain his composure, even if he knew that this couldn't possibly be real, because, whilst he knew that Aura was not physically there, he still was anxious as to whether or not she actually had these thoughts. This played on his mind to such a degree that, when she was finished, and he suddenly died again for no apparent reason, he became a shaking wreck, crying on the floor at her feet.

His condition was not improved when he woke up. In fact, it was severely worsened, and hope left him for a moment when he saw Cat several dozen strides away. If he couldn't handle the others, how could he possibly handle the person he regretted betraying the most? Cat did not approach him, allowing Kira some time to try and regain a vague resemblance of calmness. Rather than hurriedly approaching what he knew would be an extremely stressful and disheartening experience, he looked around himself and took a moment to see if he could find any clues.

There was nothing, at least not within his field of vision; everything was completely blank and empty. Not giving up quite so easily, he kicked at the ground to see what effect it might have; nothing happened. He tried shouting to see if there would be any response, but there was nothing, not even from Cat. He tried jumping up high to see if the space he was held in had an easily reachable ceiling of sorts, and his hand fell away through empty space. It seemed that whatever had put him here was giving him no option but to talk to Cat or risk getting very, very bored and wasting the time that he needed to save the real Cat.

Deciding that he would simply have to face his fears, Kira walked over to where Cat was. The yokai was sitting on a low wall, facing away from Kira, and staring into the distance with his ears held into a position of attention. When Kira was close enough to have his shadow covering the boy and to reach out and touch him, should he have wanted to, Cat looked up at him but still said nothing. His eyes momentarily widened, seeing who was there, but they quickly fell back into the miserable expression that they had been in before, and he looked back, away from Kira, to wherever he had been staring before.

Not entirely certain about what he should do, Kira walked around in front of Cat to see if he could gain the boy's attention. He could not. Wondering if something had gone wrong with what he was seeing and if he was never going to actually get a response, Kira tried squatting beside Cat, as the wall only extended far enough for Cat to perch on. Surprisingly, when to got down to the same level as the yokai, a new section of wall sprung up beneath him to act as his own seat. This seemed to mean that things were back to progressing as they were meant to because Cat looked back up at him as though he was thinking about exactly what to say.

Kira had had enough of being on the defensive and decided to preemptively jump in saying, "I'm sorry, Cat, I'm really sorry for absolutely everything. But, if you can help me now, I might be able to save you. I just need…."

"You need a second chance?"

"A second chance to save you."

"Not many people get second chances, Kira." stated Cat, mournfully, looking up at the sky, "I never got a second chance after you betrayed me. I suppose that that's what I get for being too trusting, isn't it?" and he smiled at Kira weakly.

"I didn't deserve your trust," responded Kira, noticing how differently this was going from all of his other meetings. Perhaps this meant that he finally had a chance to escape, and he wondered what would happen if all of the people he had failed passed him? After they had all gone, would that leave him in this place alone, cursed to ever wonder a blank hell?

"I was stupid to give it. You never even asked my name."

"I…"

"I mean, what sort of friend doesn't even bother to ask you your name?"

Kira wanted to do something to comfort Cat as he looked like he might be the one about to cry for a change, and he put his arm around the boy, but Cat flinched as he did so, and he quickly retracted it. "Cat, what is your name?" questioned Kira.

They both stopped talking, looking at each other to stare blankly at the horizon. Kira was expecting some sort of reply, but he didn't get one, and Cat looked puzzled beside him. That was very interesting, he thought now with some time to better consider his position, maybe whatever was doing this to him only knew as much as he did?

"Cat," he tentatively asked, "Where do you come from? I know that I haven't been a good friend, but that doesn't mean that I can't start now. Did you have a family? I'll answer any question that you have. We can talk now. We have the time."

"I…" murmured Cat before resorting to his earlier statements, "You betrayed me, Kira. Why would I want to talk to you now?" This practically confirmed Kira's suspicion, and Cat quickly added, "You've lost my trust; I don't want to tell you now." as though the person speaking through his image could read what Kira was thinking and wanted to change the topic of discussion.

"What do you want to talk about then?" asked Kira.

"I don't really know," admitted Cat, "To be honest, I just wanted to sit with you again, now that I'm dead, but… but I don't feel any better doing it."

Hearing this helped riddle Kira with doubt, but he then reminded himself to stay strong in what he thought that he had found out about this place. This did not sound like something that Cat would ever say, and it was eerie, like watching some sort of actor try to impersonate your best friend. Sure, they could do a good job, but you could always tell that something was wrong. In fact, this thought briefly angered Kira; who was this person messing with him? What gave them the right to play with his emotions and memories of people who were dead? Most importantly, what gave them the right to trap him here whilst he had a friend that could be dying?

"Cat, whoever you are, please, I'm begging you." Kira said, "if you think that I've made mistakes, then please let me put at least one of them right. I have to go and save Cat. I don't care if you trap me here after that. At least then I can feel slightly better about myself…."

Cat made no response, just blankly looking ahead. Wanting to try and force them into saying something, Kira kneeled in front of the Cat impersonator and shook them by the shoulders. They looked at him strangely and grabbed at his arms to stop him. Yes, thought Kira, I can make them notice me!

"Look Kira," murmured Cat, "I have to go. My time here was borrowed anyway, just to see you again, but you clearly don't believe that I'm me. I… I just don't feel like staying… It's not worth what it costs."

The impersonator stood and, when they did, a familiar scene appeared dispelling the blankness. It was a busy street within Ostermark, and the wall had now changed to be the one that he had once sat on, with Cat and Aura, and he realized how happy he had been at that time. He had really not appreciated it enough and was grateful to who his two companions had been for making it that way. But, he did not have the time to mull this over as Cat was getting away, taking steps into the crowd.

Leaping into action, Kira jumped to his feet, took one stride after Cat, and fell, almost pulling something in his legs as he slipped on the muddy ground and did an involuntary split. However, he knew not to give up and rolling onto his stomach, he managed to leap forwards with one hand out and tug on Cat's tail, sending the yokai flying backwards to land in a rather deep puddle. Needless to say, Cat did not look pleased. How he looked actually really annoyed Kira, there was just something wrong about his expression and how Cat's face was being used that told him that what he was looking at had to be fake. Regardless of this truth, Kira still wanted to keep the boy with him and, as they both stood up, he wrapped his arms around Cat and held him close against his body.

There would be no escaping now.

"Right then," Kira said, "I'll ask you again; please, please let me save Cat."

"Let go of me!" the boy squirmed, and his shouting attracted the stares of many of the pedestrians within the crowd.

Kira did not care. Let them stare and let them make him feel as self-conscious as they possibly could because he would not let Cat out of his sight, even if that meant tying him up.

Seeing that Kira was determined not to let him go, Cat stopped the struggle and fell to be deathly still. Kira did not feel comfortable with this turn of events. He then felt even worse when an extraordinary pain exploded throughout his body. Damn, he shouted internally. Was he going to miss his chance again? But he did not die. That should have been a good thing, but his loosening of grip had allowed Cat to get away, and the boy was now almost entirely lost within the crowd.

Running after him, Kira had to push shocked people out of the way, sending many children flying and internally cringing at the harm he was causing whilst telling himself that none of it was real. This was when he noticed that the ground was turning to dust and rising into the air to disappear, leaving the same old blank floor behind. Seeing this, he redoubled his pace, but he could never catch up with Cat, past the church and through the back gate of the bakery where he had shared his lunch with the yokai, and he was always a few paces behind.

Soon enough, the people around him started to turn to dust and disappear along with the buildings, but there was still plenty of wall left, just up ahead, in the dead-end where he had lured his pursuer to when leaving Ostermark. There, Cat was left with no choice but to stop, but everything around him was falling away, including Cat's own body, which was by now gone up to the ankles. Grabbing him once more and pressing the boy against himself, Kira begged him to give him the chance to save the real Cat, but no reply came. Cat vanished in Kira's arms, the dust that had made up his body covering Kira's clothes before finally turning invisible, but not before Cat's expression briefly changed to one of fear and the boy had mouthed, save me.

Were those words from the real Cat? Kira did not know.

However, what he did know was that now he was truly alone in an empty abyss. This was not good. If he had managed to scare off whoever was messing with him, then he might have finally forfeited away his last chance at escape. Taking a look around himself, he could see nothing, so he chose a random direction to walk and stuck to it. To be honest, he might have been walking in circles for all he knew, as the terrain was unchanging, but at least he felt like he was still moving somewhere. What continued to worry him was the idea that there might not be a physical way to escape at all because it seemed like the visions of all of the people he had failed had all been trying to lead him to something more spiritual.

After what seemed like an absolute age of walking, he noticed a slight rise in the ground, very far away, that was so low he could have easily missed it. Just the fact that it was something different made him hurry towards it and, as he approached, he saw that it was not one lump but two. The one closest to him was a rise that he might have not seen, had it been on its own, and behind it was a black marble stone that stuck up against the horizon. It looked like a grave. Seeing this increased the apprehension that hounded him, audible in his mind, whilst he got closer, but he could not stop himself from looking as what option did he have but to see what was there?

Instinctively, before he could even read what was written on the gravestone, he could tell who it was for. It was Cat's grave, and perhaps it was being shown as a physical interpretation of his fears. He did not want to read what the golden-lettered words said, highlighted against their black background, but some part of him made his legs keep moving. One step was taken, then another, and soon he could make out the letters as separate and then, another few strides later, he could read them.

Here Lies Cat

A True Enabler to Me

His Death Was a Necessity

Kira

Slightly taken aback, Kira struggled to not let emotion overcome him, and he went to sit on the stone to think what he would have to do next. He hated what was written, and he felt that that may as well be what should be written on Cat's grave if he died due to Kira's own actions. He was hopeless; what was he missing? What was being shown? It had to be staring him in the face, or was it simply that he was being messed with and would never be allowed to leave?

This he could not accept, so he stood and continued on his way.