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Chapter 9

Coby sits on the edge of the cot and I have to lean across him to light the lamp. Once the wick catches, I shake out the match and close the door, locking us into this cramped space. Without looking at him, I pull my shirt off, up over my head, feeling the familiar sense of disbelief settle over me and numb my mind.

I’m not here, I tell myself. I’m not doing this. I’m eight again and safe, in the backyard of the house where we used to live, when we called it living. This is where I go when I disappear, back to a time before the war, before all this.

My fingers find the buckle of my belt on their own, unbutton my jeans, push the thin denim down to the floor, and in my mind I see my da pruning back the branches of a spindly dogwood. He has a deep voice that still echoes through me after all these years. It’ll only grow if you cut it back, son.