Chapter 2

When I tried to call his cell phone, I got voicemail. When disbelief had finally given way to pure, undiluted anger—and DeeDee’s outraged pestering—I’d called the cops. They’d tracked him down, his cherry red Mustang hard to miss at the motel where he’d been hiding out on the outskirts of town. He’d wanted to be caught.

I saw him once before sentencing and had asked him why he did it.

“You’re just too good to be true, Zach,” he’d said. “No matter what I did to you in the past, you forgave me. It was unreal, drove me crazy. I wanted to see if there was anything that would shake up this lovesick air of empathy you had around me all the time. I was so tired of it. By the way, the money I stole went into a shredder.” He’d laughed, the sound grating and a bit insane

I’d stared at him, hurt and numb. “Maddy, do have any idea what you’ve done?”

“Sure, I do. You’ll always think this was your fault, and that’s all I wanted.”

* * * *

DeeDee’s voice brought me back to the present. “You’re letting him turn you into a bitter, skinny shell of a man. You can’t keep living like this, Zach. You’re wasting away to nothing, and I’m worried about you.”

She was right, but it was still hard to admit that I could have been so wrong about a man I’d loved desperately for fifteen years, despite his faults. His last words to me echoed to this day.

I rubbed my forehead. “I appreciate your concern, but honestly, I’m not up for a party. I’d rather sit at home, watch scary movies on TV, and get completely plastered.”

“Zach…”

“Just drop it, okay?” I opened the cash drawer and sorted bills. “Did the order of superhero costumes get delivered today?”

DeeDee sighed. “Yes, an hour ago.”

“Thanks.” I checked the clock on the wall. It was eight-fifteen. “It’s time for you to go home, isn’t it? Brenda would kill me if I let you stay late, so you’d better head on out. I’ll see you tomorrow, love.”

I stared at my friend, willing her silently to cooperate with me, just once. She gave me a look, turned on her heel and left through the rear exit of the store.

Once she was gone, I slumped on my stool and closed my eyes, the familiar feeling of despair overwhelming me as it did at least once a day since I’d discovered Maddox’s own brand of crazy. It had worn a groove in my heart, and the pain still cut deep.

I opened my eyes and stared outside for a long time, the glass storefront giving me a full view of people in overcoats coming and going on the sidewalk, oblivious to my misery. I was stuck in a time warp, and I didn’t know how to get out of it.

With a sigh, I finished my tasks and drove home.

* * * *

It was ten o’clock by the time I parked in the lot of my dingy apartment building. I turned off the engine and sighed. I was surrounded by an eerie silence. After Maddox had been locked up and sentenced, I’d had to downsize my life.

I’d moved into a small apartment—where I still lived—and set about getting things back on track, narrowly able to avoid filing for bankruptcy. DeeDee had been a godsend, pouring some of her savings into our business and helping us stay afloat until we could catch up financially. I was still paying her back, though she’d said I didn’t have to.

It had taken almost all of those five years to be able to break even, though I still kept things on the cheap at home. At least the credit cards were no longer an issue, and I could have more than a bologna sandwich in the evenings.

I got out of my old Toyota and stared into the darkness, the trees casting shadows in the weak moonlight. DeeDee meant well, but I hadn’t felt much like being around others, or even going out socially in years. All the joy I’d once felt was sucked into the abyss of self-loathing about Maddox.

I was forty-nine years old. I thought a gay man over the age of forty stood little chance of more than a hookup—if that—especially when thisgay man never went looking for it and barely made ends meet.

After a few minutes, I went inside and walked through the lobby to take the staircase to my unit on the second floor. I decided to shower in the morning and left my keys and cell phone on the kitchen counter before heading to my bedroom.