Ivan Tykovsky is a security guard at Hinkleman’s Department store and has come to despise the shopping element of Christmas. The holiday season means his workload of apprehending shoplifters and breaking up fights over merchandise increases.<br><br>When the Santa the store has booked shows up drunk, the six foot six, 240 pound, red-bearded Jewish giant is forced to stand in. Ivan isn’t happy about the idea, but there’s one compensation -- the diminutive Skip Mueller, an out-of-work actor who’s been hired as one of Santa’s elves. Skip comes to Ivan’s rescue, coaching the big man through his dealings with the children.<br><br>Ivan becomes an instant celebrity, and when a permanent replacement Santa is found, the store’s customers demand Ivan’s return. Will there be a special Christmas gift this year for a certain Jewish Santa and his special elf?

Santa? Seriously?

“No! No time for that. I need youto be Santa!”


Ivan blinked. “Me? Santa? Seriously? You’re joking, right?”


“I wish I were, but we’re desperate.”


“Who’s going to take care of security if I’m off playing—Santa?” Ivan asked sardonically, thinking that would squelch the deal.


“Jenkins!” Hotchkiss said loudly. “That’s why I sent him to get you. Didn’t he tell you?”


Ivan had an image of Fred Jenkins laying atop the two men in Electronics. “Oh, that’ll work really well,” he said sarcastically.


Ivan tried a new tack. “So, what makes you think I could pass for Santa?” Ivan asked, holding his huge arms out from his massive body. “You can’t be that desperate.”


“You have a beard!” Hotchkiss almost shouted.


“A beard? That’s your reason? In case you haven’t noticed—it’s red, not to mention this ain’t no round, little jelly belly,” he said, running his hand over his flat stomach.


“We can pad you with a pillow or something.”


Chapter 2