Ivan Tykovsky is a security guard at Hinkleman’s Department store and has come to despise the shopping element of Christmas. The holiday season means his workload of apprehending shoplifters and breaking up fights over merchandise increases.<br><br>When the Santa the store has booked shows up drunk, the six foot six, 240 pound, red-bearded Jewish giant is forced to stand in. Ivan isn’t happy about the idea, but there’s one compensation -- the diminutive Skip Mueller, an out-of-work actor who’s been hired as one of Santa’s elves. Skip comes to Ivan’s rescue, coaching the big man through his dealings with the children.<br><br>Ivan becomes an instant celebrity, and when a permanent replacement Santa is found, the store’s customers demand Ivan’s return. Will there be a special Christmas gift this year for a certain Jewish Santa and his special elf?

Santa? Seriously?

The Saturday after Thanksgiving was as crazy as Black Friday. Another day of enticing specials had brought the bargain-hungry shoppers out in droves. However, even by the usual first weekend of the Christmas season standards, this seemed to be an atypically big crowd. Ivan had a busy morning watching for shoplifters and settling disputes among disgruntled customers.


He noticed, as he made his rounds in the toy department, that even though there was more than an hour before Santa arrived, there was a long line of kiddies waiting with their parents. If someone would have told him yesterday at this time that he would be bemoaning how he wouldn’t be doing the Santa thing today, he would have laughed his ass off. Yet, here he was, wishing he could turn back the clock. He looked at the red and white striped Christmas wishing pole. He walked over to it, touched it, and thought of Skip.


He was in Housewares when his pager went off. Now what? he thought impatiently.


Chapter 9