Chapter 4

It hurts us

He’s my first in every way. First friend, even, if you’ll believe it. We grew up next door to each other, and my mother used to ask him to watch me when she ran out to the store. He’s five years older than me but was held back in the third grade because he was home in bed with mono that year. The age difference is there but he doesn’t seemall that much older than me. He was my first kiss, my first handjob, my first blow, and sooner or later, my first love.

When he went away to college, it damn near broke my heart. I cried myself to sleep each night after we got off the phone. I wanted him, neededhim, and didn’t even bother applying to any other school. I had my sights set on his.

On him

Now, this. The two of us alone, finally, after a long day and an even longer night, but so far, he’s ignoring me. Where I sit on the bed we share, I nurse a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, practically choking it down, glancing over after every bite to see if he’s looking at me yet.