James Rockton is ready to die. In fact, he plans on it. Having lost his life partner to AIDS, he books the South Pacific cruise Richard didn't live to share. James will spread Richard's ashes at sea, and then slip overboard to join him forever. He’s too old and too heartbroken to continue on alone.<br><br>But James doesn’t count on meeting a young man whose parents constantly put him down. Then there’s the obviously gay young art dealer who ogles a crazy young photographer traveling with an older gay man about James’s own age.<br><br>James and Herb begin spending time together, trying not to laugh too hard or get too involved with these young men, who circle each other in rapidly shrinking orbits. After all, James and Herb are old, with gray hair and less stamina. With time, talk, and martinis, will love manage to find them, too?

Fade to Gray

Did I just repeat myself? Maybe it’s because I had seconds of ice cream. No, I’m just moved by things too much tonight. Savin’s story reminding me of my first time and how far I’ve come since then. Mortality, in all its beauty, is still a difficult and perhaps ugly, thing to contemplate


Imagine coming on a cruise like this, barely speaking English, let alone Dutch, Indonesian, and/or Filipino. But then, I speak only English and barely remember any French or Spanish, so I shouldn’t talk.


Two more things, my dear Richard, about this, oh, so long and full day before I even get to the evening’s crisis! I’m still thinking on how to write my daughter. I have so many mixed feelings: love and happiness, betrayal and hurt, excitement and pride, and an intense feeling of welcome and being wanted. How did this child turn out so wonderful? In spite of or because of my absence?


Chapter 16