Chapter 2
The plan for the next two days is simple: drive northward bound from Pittsburgh to Channing, Pennsylvania, in Sandy’s truck and spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with Jonah’s family. It’s the first time Sandy will meet the Icicle clan: Jonah’s mother and father, his younger brother, his younger sister, and his brother-in-law with a funny name.
Sandy and Jonah are nervous about the trip, each in different ways, having discussed the adventure for the last week or more. They try to analyze the trip before it happens, pulling it from the inside out, creating the worst scenarios and the best ones. So much talking. Endless amounts of chatter.
Sandy admits, “I’m nervous.”
Jonah replies, “I’m nervous for you. I can’t recall my family ever treating one of my boyfriends well. It’s always a disaster when I take one home.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t go. Maybe this is the biggest mistake of my life.”
“If you want to be my boyfriend…if you want to be coupled with me, Sandy, I want you to meet my family. It’s something you’ll have to do to be able to love me more.”
Sandy refuses to tell him the trip to Channing will be much harder than going to the arctic to study glacial melting and global warming. Sandy thinks it will be easier to spend the three weeks with his coworkers—a bitchy twink named Renaldo, an alpha male named Christopher, and an uneducated clown named Dixon who acts as if he is twelve—at RIES (Rowan Independent Environment Studies) than to spend two days with his boyfriend’s family. Sandy believes dealing with the freezing temperatures near the North Pole surely can’t be worse than confronting the Icicles. Surely.
* * * *
Honestly, Jonah has been through worse shit concerning his family. Coming out to his hardcore conservative mother hadn’t been a walk in the park for him at fourteen; nor was it easy for him to bring home his first boyfriend, Ricky Malonni, when he was sixteen. Seventeen, the time when he almost set the house on fire while baking a pizza and forgetting about it, turned out to be fairly hideous and maddening. Then there was getting caught having sex at eighteen with Tucker Nelson, the Mormon across the street.
The idea to take Sandy north and meet his family for the first time seemed like the greatest idea on the planet and in their relationship. Maybe not greatest, though, maybe just foolish. Jonah doesn’t know, but he is soon going to find out.
“Let me give you the breakdown of my family again.” Jonah turns his head in Sandy’s direction. “We can start with my mother, Pam.”
“A very good place to start,” Sandy sings, creating his own musical, keeping the truck on the highway.
“She’s short, spry, and wild. A bomb. And sometimes vulgar. A hardcore Republican. Whatever’s on her mind, it won’t stay there. She will tell you exactly how she feels whether you want to hear it or not. The woman doesn’t keep anything to herself. Most of the time, she needs to keep her mouth shut, but doesn’t. She’s bossy, prying, and doesn’t have a sense of humor. She’s to the point. My sister, Willa, calls her the anti-Christ of the devil’s wife, a succubus, and Kimmy Jung-un. I call her a tempest, femme fatale, and Goneril from King Lear. You, of course, will come up with your own nicknames, I’m sure.”
“What about your younger brother?”
“Jake’s thirty and still lives in my parents’ basement, which pretty much tells you everything you need to know about him. He likes his pot. He’s not going to grow up anytime soon and has no ambitions in life. He watches more television than a ten-year-old and lives off potato chips, smoking, and masturbating.”
“Does he look like you? Most brothers resemble each other.”
“To tell you the truth, he’s a stud and looks like Luke Bryan. Handsome. Not bad to look at. If he ever decides to come out of the basement, get a job, and join the rest of America, he could meet a nice girl, settle down, and have beautiful children. This is what my mom doesn’t want him to do. She likes having him under her thumb. It’s all about control, even if he breaks the law by growing marijuana. Mom has always had control issues, ever since I was born.
“It’s a shame, really. I’ve seen Jake in action on a few occasions in the real world. The ladies love him, as do the queers. I’ve seen men and women drop to their knees. You can tell they want to sleep with him just to get their rocks off. Honestly, no one can keep their hands off my brother. Not that he knows this. He could use his good looks as a weapon, but he doesn’t because he’s always too high. The guy could have a lot of sex and girlfriends if he wanted, but he likes his pot more.”
Sandy shifts in the driver’s seat, repositioning himself on the one hundred and twenty-eight-mile drive. “Does your mom like or love Jake more than you?”
Jonah lets out a hearty, sarcastic laugh. “Where do I start? Jake could kill a fraternity, and my mother would protect him. He’s her favorite child and always has been. Jake doesn’t have a job, a car, and or goals. My mom overlooks all of his bullshit, which sometimes pisses me off. He’s going to be fifty and still living in my parents’ basement. It’s a pity, and it bothers me.”
“What position are you in her hierarchy of favorite children?” Sandy sounds as if he’s interviewing Jonah, one question after the next, creating an article in some entertainment magazine or program on Bravo.