Chapter 84

He placed a hand on the big man’s chest, a gesture of stalling. Jay needed a few more seconds yet. Impossible to put into words why. Maybe the enforced absence caused his mind to race. Maybe stress or tiredness. Right now, even sex seemed unlikely to silence his thoughts, the torrent almost painful, making it feel as if his brain swelled. The question that bothered him most shone the brightest.

Was Dean happy?

The willingness to have sex almost anywhere while heartening didn’t provide a good answer. Happy to have sex didn’t translate to happiness generally. The big man continued to struggle with the idea of his being gay. Dean possessed a strong will, but, unlike Jay, hadn’t grown up gay—not knowingly anyway. Doubt and denial were emotions Jay understood. Many GLBT people did. If not realisation then acceptance for many was a gradual process.