Chapter 2

“You see how shitty they’re getting? I don’t know if it’s bugs or water or, Christ, who even knows. I’m literally just grasping at straws. I’m not much of a gardener. Not like you obviously…” The tone of Justin’s voice changed. “Shit, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t still be going on. You look like hell. We can talk later. Whenever.” Then Justin did drop his hand and squeeze Thom’s arm. “You get yourself some rest and feel better soon, okay?”

Thom widened his eyes and stared at Justin’s hand with what he knew was the same expression most people would use if they saw a four-inch spider getting ready to take a bite.

As Thom watched Justin walk away, despair rushed in to take over the tension. He closed his eyes and shook his head. That had gone absolutely horrible, not that he had ever expected the first forced conversation with his neighbour to go any other way. Still, it was easier on his pride to pretend that it could have gone well than it was to know that, yet again, he’d made a joke out of himself.

Throughout his entire life, Thom had been told and told again that his problems—the awkward shyness and the anxious fear—were all things that made him the worst kind of man. He was weak. Undesirable. At the bottom of the food chain. And after all this time, obviously unfixable. He always felt trite and stereotypical for thinking it, but he was sure that the fact he was gay made that judgement even worse. Men hated weak men unless they were the right type of weak. Thom, however, was too old, too masc, and too cynical to be in that class. He was all the bad, for all the kinds.

Justin, though…Justin was everything that was right.

At five feet, nine inches, Justin was not too tall, but not at all little. He had dark brown hair that he kept short and tamed with product, but Thom admired it most when Justin left it as nature intended: thick, full, with just enough body that sweat could coax out a curl. He had a brilliant, quirky smile with slightly crooked front teeth, a long, strong upper torso with short, muscular legs, and kept a scrub of hair on his face that made it look like he was a little too lazy to shave regularly. He was perfect in his non-perfectness, like a man ought to be. He was, in fact, the exact kind of man that Thom would consider his “type.”

“Type” was a relative term, though. If by type one considered the meaning to be “attracted to,” then yes, definitely. If someone had to pursue those kinds of people to make it official, Thom would be out of luck. He didn’t do people, and that included relationship people. His last relationship had been two decades prior. A “six month, hardly ever kiss, never touch, barely speak to each other” kind of relationship, with a very safe, very quiet, very shy girl with whom he’d gone to college. While he’d known for a long time that he was attracted to men, he’d figured a hetero relationship would make him seem more normal. He didn’t need people, other people needed him to need people, and this kind of relationship would satisfy that. Besides, there were books and news articles about how men could interact with women. He could ask his mom or his dad or a therapist. Being gay would be hard and confusing and how would he ever learn how to do things with another man unless he sought out assistance from like-minded others? All the gods in all the places knew thatwas never going to happen.

Heteronormality would be easier. Instead, it had been an “impossibly long, impossible to keep up” charade that had resulted in one seriously broken-hearted young lady and a man who couldn’t forgive himself because he’d known better. After that, he’d given up completely.

That didn’t mean he didn’t have regrets when it came to good-looking men, though. Especially good-looking men who were close enough to pine over every damn day. It had taken only one look at Justin climbing out of the moving truck for Thom to know he was in for some heartsickness. That feeling had multiplied exponentially the first time Justin had smiled at him, and it had been growing every single day since. Why did good-looking men have to exist in a world where the gods saw fit to allow people to be born without the ability to even say “hello” to them?

Justin started to turn as he reached the door to his shed, and Thom spun to face the other way. One goodbye was enough for the day. More than enough. One too many, in fact. Still, even as his heart reseated itself in his chest, the fingers of despair wrapped around it. For whatever reason, to whatever result, Justin was being nice. While they’d not spoken before, Justin had gone out of his way a few times to try and talk to Thom, even after Thom had made it obvious he was not only ignoring Justin, but doing everything possible to avoid getting near him. There was no way to misinterpret Justin’s intentions of trying to get to know him. And Thom couldn’t have it. He was not going to hurt someone like that again, even in the name of casual friendship. Which meant that if he expected to have any kind of a life, he was going to have to figure out a way to shut this shit down all the way.