It's Hard Enough Without You

It takes me nearly two hours to clean up the preliminary mess, and then another three trying to get the unidentifiable stains out of the couch, drapes, and the carpet of the downstairs living room.

I don’t even manage to lift most of the heavy furniture back to its rightful place, just being sure to clean up around it. I barely got the couches back up and into place in the living room while I was alone. Exhausted, I barely manage to shower before I collapse onto my bed. I fall asleep the moment my head makes contact with my pillows.

I’m still exhausted when I get up for school and barely manage to crawl out of bed. My muscles in my arms and legs are aching from all the scrubbing and lifting I had to do last night, and my knees seem to be a little bruised from kneeling for hours on the floor.

Thankfully, morning passes by quickly. The triplets seem to be more inclined to stick to an amicable distance today, as they only greet me superficially when they sit down in calculus.

I decide to avoid the crowd of my peers in the cafeteria and walk down to the strip mall about fifteen minutes from campus for lunch. Social Science goes in pretty much the same manner, and I am starting to feel hopeful that today will end just like this. Slow and calm. My achy body would appreciate it.

I walk into the English room, and it looks much like it did yesterday. The three Meier kids are sitting at our desk group and there is a crowd of people around them. But this time, they don’t move for me to get around them.

I get glares and sneers from some of the ones that are bolder. But Megan’s comment in an exaggerated whisper really puts the icing on the unnecessary cake.

“You know she’s just scared to bring people to her house in case mommy dearest is around.”

“Yeah, you can’t make friends when your family is just a bunch of no-good low-life’s.”

“Maybe we should call CPS again.” Someone snickers, probably saying it as a joke because they know how many times now that I’ve been called out of class to talk with an agent among other things. I just roll my eyes, not glorifying it with any more of a response. I can’t count on both of my hands how many times CPS has been around and back again.

But as I am almost eighteen, there is no physical abuse, and the neglect is negligible at best, other than trying to get my mother help there isn’t a whole lot they can or are willing to do. Besides, there is no point in leaving when I am this close to being free by my own two hands, and not by a system that will abandon me once I am an adult.

Of course, the whisperer probably knows most, if not all, of this information. It’s just a tedious task at this point if someone tries to intervene ‘for my own benefit’. From my periphery I notice that the triplets all seem to be looking at me with pity in their eyes. As if the CPS crack wasn’t enough already from their group of admirers.

I push my way around people and get to my seat. I can see several of the girls muttering and wiping at their arms where I may have brushed past them. It’s almost amusing, but also humiliating. I know that I am not ‘dirty’. I shower at least once a day. I live in an upper-middle-class neighbourhood. My father has an excellent job. My brother is going to a good college. So it’s humiliating to be considered dirty because of who your mother is and what she does.

I still don’t bother to acknowledge any of that though. There isn’t any point in trying to fight them on it anymore. I tried for a long time, and I’m just exhausted by the thought of even trying to do it.

The bell rings then, signaling the start of class, and the teacher walks in and looks at the pack of kids standing around.

“Class is starting, people, what are you doing just standing around there?”

The students all grumble and I just feel relieved. The crowd of people was starting to make me feel claustrophobic.

The teacher starts talking about Hamlet, which is what we will be starting to talk about in class today. He wants us to either borrow or buy our own copies of the play. I wonder if my father has any Shakespeare in his study. He might. I think that I’ll have to check and see before I worry about buying or borrowing a copy.

Once there are only fifteen minutes left of class, he lets us talk in our Socratic circle groups. I dig through my stuff and pull out my copy of the book that I’d put in my bag last night. Noticing that none of the other three have even moved since the teacher released us to do our own thing, I sit there awkwardly, holding the book in my hand.

“Do you have a copy?”

“Yes? Yes!” Rowan seems to panic as she also turns to sift through her own pile of things to pull out her copy. “We have two copies between the three of us.”

“Are two copies between the three of you going to be okay?”

“Yes, one copy is on audible, so the three of us will easily be able to get through it,” Caleb claims and I just nod. Though I am curious about something.

“Have you read the book before?”

“Rowan has, I have not. Xander isn’t much of a book person either.” Caleb looks at me a little curiously. Not sure why though. “Have you read it?”

“Yeah, I’ve read most of the books on the original list, so not too much of a hassle for me no matter what we chose to do.”

“Do you have a phone? It might be better if we exchange numbers. Or do you have Facebook or discord?” Rowan pulls out her own smartphone and starts going through it, probably opening the aforementioned apps so that she can add me if I say that I do.

“I don’t really like Facebook, but I use discord.”

“Give me your user code and I can make a group for us.” I pull out my phone and open the app. Passing her my phone she sends the friend request and then she also opens my contacts and adds all three of their numbers.

“There, that should do it.”

“You know that’s not really how civilized people tend to add friends or take phone numbers,” Caleb mutters at his sister while he watches her. Then he slides my phone back to me, my phone with three new contacts.

I notice that she sent a text to each of the three of them so that they can also add me back and I can't help but feel like my privacy has been a little violated. Though I don’t want to say anything and sound unnecessarily whiny. I slide my discord app back open and accept her discord friend request.

“Do you work Friday?” She asks, ignoring her brother.

“No, I work tonight and tomorrow night though.” I try to avoid thinking about the ache in my muscles as I hear the mention of work.

“So, let's go to the library after school on Friday and start working out the Socratic circle stuff.”

“Okay, that works,” I agree easily with her. It is better to get these things done fast rather than slow. “How many chapters should we have read by then?”

“Five?” Caleb asks, looking between the three of us. I notice that Xander shrugs, which is the most that he’s interacted with us during this whole fifteen minutes. Maybe he’s just the quiet type?

“Right, doable.” I agree, and then the bell rings, signaling the end of the day. We all gather our stuff and just as I am about to leave, I hear a voice call me to wait.

Rowan rushes up beside me before looking back at her brothers.

“You two can go to the car first. I’ll be right there.” They only hum in acknowledgment before they go over to where Tristan and his friends are chatting in the back of the room.

“You need me for something?” I ask her as we both start making our way down the two flights of stairs to the lockers on the first floor.

“Not particularly,” she pauses for a moment as if contemplating how to continue her line of thought.

“Then… what?”

“Well, I mean my brothers are boys, my cousins are boys, Tristan’s friends are mostly boys… sometimes it’s nice to have a little time away.” I just nod my head. It’s fair that she might want to get away for a moment’s breather. I’m willing to be her excuse if she needs one.

“I mean, I love my brothers and cousins, but it’s a lot when it’s all the time.”

“That’s fair.”

“Do you have any siblings?” She asks me, seeming genuinely curious. I nod my head.

“I have an older brother, Matthew. He’s away at college right now though.”

“Neat, what’s he studying?”

“He’s starting to learn computer security; he just finished a computer technology program.”

“That sounds like it would be fun. I know that we’ll have to actually start thinking about all this very soon, but I have no idea what I want to do after high school.”

“Not everybody needs to know right away,” I comment. I'm not going to tell her that the only reason I’m actually planning to go away for school at all is just so that I can get away from where my family is. At least where my mother and father are. That’s also why Matthew never comes back to visit from school.

Of course, our mother was a lot better before he left. She’s just gotten worse in the past three years. Our father has too, at least when Matthew was around my father would come home once or twice a week. I’m lucky if I even get to see him bimonthly at this point.

We don’t really talk either, my brother and I. He’ll check in on me every once in a while as if he feels a little bit of responsibility left for his younger sister, but that’s it.

Not that Rowan needs any of that extra information. She doesn’t need to know about the inner workings of my family from my mouth itself. There are enough rumors going around that there is no reason to say anything about it. Even if they’re inaccurate, they’re still more information than anyone on the outside needs to hear.

When we almost reach my locker, I hear a snarky voice coming from behind me and I just want to slam my head against the lockers. Maybe she’ll turn into a hallucination if I do.

“Going somewhere?”

“Yeah, Megan. Some of us have a life outside of this building.” I reply snidely, but I regret it almost instantly when I’m shoved into the lockers by one of her friends. I just barely manage to keep my school books clutched in my hands and I hear Rowan protesting on my behalf.

“We were just walking, why are you doing this?”

“Oh, I didn’t notice you,” She glances Rowan up and down and then lets out a little scoff before looking back at me.

“So what life was it that you were talking about again? Oh, did it have something to do with your missing mommy? Are you lonely at home?” She fake pouts at me a little and I roll my eyes.

“I’m not my mothers’ keeper as much as you all might like to believe otherwise.”

“Oh boohoo, can’t even cry on mommy’s shoulder, can you? Does she even love you anymore?”

“Is there a reason you like attacking me using my mother? Are you feeling neglected, yourself? Did mommy and daddy not send you your allowance on time or something?” I grit out through my teeth. Megan looks a little shell shocked that I talked back, but my last few days haven’t really been the kind of days to allow me to be nice to people like her. I know I’ll regret it later though, considering whenever I retort even minorly, she always comes back ten times stronger.

“I think you should find yourself another gun because this one is getting old now.” I don’t wait for a response before I turn on my heel and walk away. At least I can avoid the retaliation for today. I’ll have to be careful for the next few days though if I don’t want to find myself under not-so-friendly fire. Rowan chases after me quickly.

From behind me, I can hear Megan puff a few times before she turns around herself and stomps off.

“Are you okay?” Rowan asks me, glancing at my arm that hit the lockers. It throbs a little and my muscles ache to remind me that they were already not in the best condition before being slammed into the lockers.

“I’m fine, this isn’t anything new. Megan is just more… outspoken about it. More than most people.”

“I can tell,” She sighs and then looks me up and down again. “Are you sure that you’re okay?”

“I’m fine, thanks though.”

“Well… if, you’re sure.”

“Don’t worry about it. Seriously. It’s not worth it.” She doesn’t need to be concerned about me, there is no reason for it no matter how kind-hearted she might be. Or how charitable she might feel for me. I don’t want or need the charity. I have a semester and a half of high school left and then I’m out. I can definitely weather this storm.

I make short work out of gathering my things together and stuffing them into my bag.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” I politely address Rowan one more time and she nods her head before watching me as I push my way out the school doors and into the chilly mid fall air.

I shiver and wrap my arms around myself to try and block off some of the wind. I walk slowly towards the dive, trying to just let the wind wash away everything that had been happening to me the past few days. I wish it could have cleansed me completely of my life, but that would be too much to ask of the fall winds.

When I walk in the door almost an hour early, everyone greets me as they usually would. Thankfully, I have a little bit of homework to occupy me until my shift starts.

Once it does, I chat with Tom and Linda and clean the tables and serve the few random customers. Like everything is all normal. Because to them, this is normal, to me, it is simply a distraction from thinking of the inevitable.

Work is slow, though it is a Wednesday night. The beginning through the middle of the week is always slower than the rest of it. Especially the weekend. It’s a little disappointing because I would have liked the fast-paced distractions. When we are slow I have too much time to think. I don’t like sitting in my own head, and right now distractions are extremely welcome.

It seems like years later when my shift ends, and I go collect my things from the break room.

“Bye Linda, Tom!” I call out to my boss and coworker. They both smile and send me off with cheer. I give them both an exaggerated wave and exit through the back staff entrance.

Now that it’s gotten dark, the wind is even more biting on my exposed skin, and I do my jacket up as far as it will go so as to avoid exposing more skin to the fresh wind. I shiver and cross my arms over my chest, hoping to keep some of my body heat inside my body while I make the walk home.

When the wind isn’t blowing on me while I walk through the streets behind the buildings, I notice that it really isn’t that cold yet, just the wind. But that could change in an instant. Winter is on its way soon anyways so it’s inevitable that it will continue to get colder.

The quiet night is almost peaceful, giving me some tranquility. Not that I need any more quiet time to myself, but it’s not a bad walk. The quiet walk really makes it feel like I’m in a whole different world.

Occasionally, there are cars that pass me on the road. Their headlights illuminate the world tremendously for a few moments before speeding off to wherever they are headed at the late hour.

So, I think nothing of the lights that turn on the street at this very moment either. But then I hear the car slow down as it reaches me. I frown a little, but I don’t look over my shoulder, and I don’t stop for whoever it is. I know well enough that not every car is friendly, not every human who pulls over is just asking for directions.

I can feel my body get colder and colder, my hair on my arms and the back of my neck standing on end, still as I continue my way to my house and the car doesn’t stop following me. As I turn onto my street I start to wonder if I should just keep walking and try to find another way to lose them. But also, my house has a door that I can use as a blockade to the people following me.

I speed walk up my driveway and the car pulls into the empty lane before idling a moment, then shutting off completely.

I fumble with my keys for a moment, my hands shaking. I can’t tell if it’s from the cold or if it’s because I am scared. Just as I get the key into the lock, I hear the car door open. Now, with the door open, I risk looking back and come to a startling halt.

“Police Chief Brown,” I call out, my voice cracking a little as I call out to a man that I know very well. Him and his partner, Officer Malborne, are making their way onto the front stoop of my house.

I’m relieved that it’s Brown and Malborne who have come to my house, no matter what the reason is. They are part of the adults that pity me, so they’re nicer than some of the other police officers in the city force.

“Good evening Eleanora, do you think that we could come inside for a few minutes? We have a few things we’d like to ask you about.”

“Of course,” I walk into my house first and hold the door open for the two officers, “Please come in and make yourselves comfortable.”

“Thank you.” They walk in and take off their coats before sitting on the sofa. For a moment I count my lucky stars that I cleaned the house yesterday after school. I don’t ever want the officers to come to the house when it’s like that again.

It makes my effort expended at getting at least the living room back in working order worth it.

“Do you want anything, or can I get changed quickly before we talk?” I ask and Brown waves his hand.

“Just a glass of water will do. But feel free to get comfortable first.”

“Thanks.” I try my best for an amicable smile before I make my way up to my room. I toss my uniform and the clothes I wore to work into the hamper and change into sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt. When I come back downstairs, I make my way into the kitchen first and grab the two officers and myself cups of water.

“Thank you,” Malborne smiles at me as I put the glasses on the coffee table and then I sit on the loveseat on the end of the coffee table and rub my hands on my pants, trying to get the sweat off. No matter how many times this has happened, I never get less nervous when I am in front of the officers of our town. Even the nice ones.

“Eleanora, we’re here to talk to you about your mother,” Brown says in a grave voice, and I sigh. I knew this was coming.