CHAPTER 4- AWAKE

I go on to check on my baby girl once again. I open the door and see her awake. She is looking around, buzzed, trying to make sense of where she is. She then looks at me and cowers in fear. She scrambles to one end of her crib and freezes, hugging herself. She holds her arms and looks at me like I am about to kill her when I take a step into the room. She could have easily vanished into the wall for the way she was pushing against it.

I have seen littles, act out or cry, throw tantrums or try to run away when they are first brought in here by their daddies but I have never seen them freeze and immobile before. My heart is beating as loudly as my baby girl’s. I don't want to make a mistake.

I take one slow step at a time, trying not to scare her.

"Hi, I am Christian." I extend my hand out and say softly.

She squeals and hides her face in her arms like I was about to hit her. I bring my hand down, slightly embarrassed.

I am standing there, like a dumb ass, wondering what to do. I am scared that she will have a heart attack if I touch her.

She looks from between her fingers to see if I am still there.

"Um.... I only wanted to say hi." I mutter.

"um....h.... Hi. Ca...can I have some wa....water please?" She says after a while.

"Sure. Wait here, I'll get it." I say and run to get her water.

I come back and see her shuffling back to the corner again, as if she could go any further.

I extend my hand with the water. She looks at the Sippy cup like it’s going to bite her. When it doesn't, she snatches it from me and drinks the water. I step back so that she can relax a bit.

"Hi I am Christian." I tell her once again when she has emptied the Sippy cup. She must be really thirsty.

"Hi.... I.... I am Niana." She whispers.

"Niana. That's a beautiful name." I smile.

She looks at me covering in the corner.

"You must be hungry Niana. Do you want pancakes and maybe some fruits?" I ask her, from where I am.

She shakes her head but her stomach growls.

"They are really really yummy." I tell her, trying to tempt her.

She just looks at me.

"You want some?" I ask her hopeful that she'd say yes.

She looks at me, wondering what to do. I know she must be really hungry.

"You don't have to eat it if you don't like it." I tell her, trying to bargain her into saying a yes.

She nods imperceptibly.

"Okay. Cool. Great! I am going to come there and pick you out from your crib okay?" I tell her softly, so that she is not startled.

She freezes and backs up against the wall.

"And then?" she asks softly.

"And then I will take you downstairs to the breakfast table where there is yummy food and juice. Ok?"

She looks around wondering what to do.

When she doesn't refuse, I walk up to her and pick her up. She weighs no more than a kitten. I carry her downstairs to the breakfast table.