Confessions

"Hey, I am starving. How about we go eat something? I did not have the time to eat anything. I woke up late!" Josh informed Johanna while yawning. "Okay. Where do you feel like eating?" Johanna asked. "How about Subway?' "Deal." As they strolled around the mall to the food court Johanna glanced shortly at him and remarked: "Even though it's visible you did not get much sleep, you still look handsome." "Thanks, that's good to know!" he replied grinning.

"An Italian BLT," he ordered as Johanna waited next to him to get his food. He hungrily bit into the sandwich and finished it in almost no time. "Wow, you were hungry!" Johanna remarked. In the time while he ate, she admired his handsome hands and manly legs, his beautiful blue eyes, and enjoyed his smell.

"So what did you dream of last night?" she asked him and he replied: "That I was a porn star! Pretty nice dream, hehe." "Nice, I dreamt I had a very cute puppy, but unfortunately he peed everywhere and I had to train him to behave properly and pee outside." "That sucks," he replied. He took the wrapping paper of the sandwich after finishing it and put it aside on the tray. He sipped down some water from his water bottle and stared at her mesmerized. "What?" Johanna smiled a little uncomfortable. "It's… nothing… just… you're so beautiful and I'm glad you never gave up on our relationship and kept being my friend all these years even though we were miles apart and could not have a normal relationship with closer proximity." "Thanks. Did you have moments of hesitation?" she asked him softly. "Sometimes during the relationship, it was very hard for me. I sometimes have physical needs and as you aren't there, it is hard to meet them." Johanna felt partly uncomfortable, partly sad. Her stomach hurt and a lump appeared in her throat. She looked around. The mall was crowded with people for some reason. There were barely any unoccupied tables and many people were still waiting their turn in line at the fast food. Across the food court, the children's corner was packed with children, who were joyfully playing games with a clown. Johanna's throat and mouth were dry and she took a sip of water, but the cottonmouth would not disappear. Josh continued talking: "So I met a girl in my salsa class, who I've been telling my thoughts regarding this issue. I befriended her and she told me I should just cheat as I am a man and I should follow my urges." The question popped out of Johanna's mouth unintentionally even though she concentrated very hard not to: "So you chose to cheat?" Her voice sounded high-pitched and she bit her tongue, as she felt that asking him like that was almost as if she was accusing him and she promised herself to keep her cool, but she just couldn't! Sometimes an itch is harder than your will, no matter how strong or cool-headed you think you may be!

"I thought several times of cheating, but I don't feel like I can go through with it as I would feel horrible afterward and guilty!" Johanna suddenly felt sad and replied: "Maybe it would be better if we broke up if you are that unhappy in our relationship that you need to look for happiness in other places!" Josh saw the sad look on her face. "Wait, it does not mean you don't make me happy! You make me very happy! Just saying it has been very hard for me… being in a long-distance relationship!" "Okay, if you say so…" Johanna replied.

Josh put his arm around her shoulder and got closer to her and kissed her softly. After he kissed her, Johanna busted out disgusted: "Your breath smells like onions! Yuk!" "Oh, sorry, I tried to make up for earlier! Did not want to upset you! The sandwich contained onions! And I forgot about it! Sorry! Let's buy some gum from the supermarket inside the mall!"

When they arrived at the store, Johanna told him: "You should show the water bottle to the guard before we enter the store, so they can put a sticker on it so you don't have to pay again for it!" Josh went silently to the guard and explained he bought the bottle elsewhere and asked for a sticker on it: "In Canada, I would not have had to ask for a sticker on it!" he mumbled discontent and visibly irritated. Johanna replied: "Ok, follow me so I can show you where you can find some gum!"

They walked hand In hand between the aisles and passed by the ones with cosmetics and foods and went close to the cashier's desk. "Here you go: there's spearmint, peppermint, and winter mint. Which one do you pick?" "Winter mint I guess just to make sure all reminiscent taste of the onions is gone. I'll also buy a Cola bottle. Do you want some too?" "No, thanks, I'm good."

Johanna put her head on his shoulder, as they were sitting on a couch close to the cinema and watching people pass by. "I am so sorry, we have just today and tomorrow left. I feel so happy and safe when I'm around you," she softly whispered in a sad tone in his direction. Josh gulped down some cola: "I know. I feel the same. I am glad all these years of friendship you chose to stick by me, even when things weren't the best. How can you be so strong?" Johanna blew a feather away that was flying toward her face: and looked straight into his face: "I don't know. I guess that's just me. I simply learned throughout life that strength is a choice and most of the time it's the only one you need when you have to survive." He stroked her hair and kissed her on her forehead. He gently placed his hand on hers and told her, gazing into her green eyes; "If there's ever going to be a treatment for your eye disease, I am going to pay for it so you can be happy." Johanna slightly smiled, then replied in a sad tone: "Thanks, but who knows how much it is going to cost. It's not going to be cheap." Josh replied: "What matters is your happiness. And if you're happy and then you are going to move to Canada, maybe I am going to be happy too." "Who knows, maybe I am the cure for your depression. "Johanna replied smiling. "Who knows. Maybe." He said. Johanna thought for a moment silently and looked at the people coming and going. "Who knows what happiness is? It's such an abstract notion." Two or three more gulps later, Josh complained: "Ugh, I can't even drink a cola without getting reflux. What kind of world is this we are living in?" "Well, that's kind of what happens when you drink carbonated drinks." Josh sighed. Two happy couples passed by holding hands, kissing, and making out. "I don't want to leave! I don't want to leave! I don't want to leave!" he continuously repeated and had a very sad look on his face that almost broke Johanna's heart. "Are you ok?" she whispered worried. "I am fine," he yelled. "Okay, you don't seem like you are!" Johanna replied. "Hey, it's okay! We are going to be ok! Things are going to be fine!" she gently soothed and hugged him. Sometimes when you don't know what the future is holding in store for you, the only thing you can do is close your eyes, take a deep breath and have faith.

******

I licked my lips, looking at him wanting him physically, spiritually, mentally, in every way possible. I lost myself into his blue eyes I've been waiting for years to be able to gaze into directly into his soul, freed by constraints of distance and time. I kissed him hungrily and painfully living the moment to the fullest, but knowing it was soon going to end. Beautiful moments are mostly brief. Most adult butterflies 'lifespan is two to three weeks. Should we have eternal life we would probably cease to appreciate life or see its beauty.

I hugged him tightly heart to heart and felt his heart beating fast and passionately. Then I kissed him with all my heart and all my soul craving the warmth and familiarity of his breath and smell. I touched him as much as I could just to make sure he was real and not just a product of my imagination, still feeling shocked and somehow in disbelief that he was finally there in front of me after all the years we grew up torn apart by distance and time. I could not get enough of his soft skin and kissed every single inch of it eagerly. His neck was my favorite spot and I loved to caress it and sometimes even softly bite it.

I loved to please him and nothing would turn me better on than him squirming in pleasure. At times I looked at him like a god or rock star and worshipped him and wasn't afraid to show it to him. Some people have sex, others make love. And this was the last time we made love before he left.

As he was inside me and moving up and down, we locked eyes and stared into each other's souls. Inside his blue eyes, I saw the good, the bad and the ugly, the infinite, sunsets, the sun going up, the eternal, the unspoken, the promises, the fears, hope, the sky, the impossible. And just as fragile and temporary as everything is, after I reached the tipping point, the high dropped to a low when I looked at him and a realization hit me: what if despite all the love we share and all the therapy sessions he made he would commit one day the unthinkable and choose to leave this world forever? My stomach turned uncomfortably, a lump appeared in my throat and I discreetly wiped away a tear before he got to see it and smiled at him as if nothing happened inside my mind and let my demons drift to the back of my mind, as I was focusing on his smile that would light up the room despite the darkness he was carrying inside. I cuddled in his arms, as he whispered in my ear: "This was the best time we had making love."