Hey you, you're finally awake

"I don't get it."

Sirius stood next to the river that flowed next to the house and looked at his new white gloves, which he created with the help of Alchemy. Their back has been embroidered with a black Transmutation Circle for Fire Alchemy. Much to Black's dismay, this one didn't work.

"No, I don't get it."

He had seen this circle through the eyes of Selim Bradley hundreds of times. How can Father's spy not know about such things, after all? But this stupid circle just refused to work. Sirius sighed heavily and began to think. He had the circle, he knew a rough theory behind its use, what else does he need? And then something clicked in his head, the teenager groaned and facepalmed.

"Idiot, this is the problem."

A rough theory was far from enough, otherwise even the most stupid alchemists would throw fire around without a second thought. To use such a destructive Alchemy, one required a deep understanding of what you were doing and excellent visualization. Otherwise, all you get is a failure at best and Rebound at worst.

Since the Alchemical forces being manipulated are not human in origin, but of the world as a whole, the consequences for attempting to bypass the Law of Equivalent Exchange in transmutation are not merely failure. When too much is attempted out of too little, what occurs is called a Rebound, in which the Alchemical forces that are thrown out of balance on either side of the equation fluctuate wildly of their own accord to stabilize themselves - taking or giving more than what was intended is often unpredictable and catastrophic in ways such as accidental mutation, serious injury, or death.

Sirius put on his fluffy white bunny slippers and walked over to his shelf full of physics books. He felt several glances on his back and turned only to see four toads. They seemed to be judging him because of his choice of footwear. He straightened his bathrobe and glared back.

"What? Want to take their place?" There was no answer. "Bloody hell, look at me, I'm talking to toads. I need to socialize more. Although I can talk to snakes, so I'm not completely insane yet. . . I hope."

Black returned to his desk with a dozen books from elementary school level to college level. Yes, he had the memories of several Alchemists - and even the memories of Crimson Lotus Alchemist himself - but that didn't mean he understood the theories behind the complex Alchemical processes.

So now he was revisiting his knowledge and trying to figure out this weird shit. Hermione would be proud of his eagerness to learn new things. Even if it was necessary for his survival.

He was deeply interested in the two branches of Alchemy: Explosion Alchemy and Fire Alchemy. Both branches were created for warfare, they could still be used in everyday life, but they were mainly used for the destruction of enemy units. Regular Alchemy and his Pride were also well suited for killing dozens and even hundreds of enemies, but they could be easily countered.

Sirius lost himself in the world of physics and was able to get distracted only when something crashed his window. The teenager's head immediately whipped towards the broken glass only to see nothing. He frowned and transmuted his robe and slippers into a tracksuit with sneakers - on the inside of his gloves was the usual Transmutation Circle. Black didn't know why Roy Mustang didn't embroider the same on his gloves.

The green-eyed Alchemist looked out of the broken window and saw something unexpected. Right in front of his house, two idiots fought without even making a sound. The lawn and forest around the house were being damaged and Black frowned at the effect of their attacks. One of them had a Quirk that could control wind and another could do something with sound. Both men shouted at each other as if arguing about something.

So through the sophisticated deductive methods that he learned during his years at Auror crops - literally common sense - Sirius realized who was guilty. He immediately jumped out of the window covering his face with a shadow.

His shadows crawled across the floor and he tied the two men's hands and feet, but they continued to scream, not even paying attention to their new position. Sirius approached them and as soon as he was within a radius of five meters, his ears were attacked by the sounds of an argument.

"-DERSTAND, I WOULD JUST CUT OFF THE TOP FROM THE EGGS AND GET RID OF THE SALT!" Said a thin man with a white mask on his face.

Both men looked like they had been fighting for hours. Their hair was wet with blood and sweat, and their clothes were torn in many places.

"MOTHERFUCKER, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO CUT SALT WITH SCRAMBLED EGGS?! IT'S LIQUID! YOU HONESTLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW!" The plump man shouted back, trying to break free from the shadow shackles.

"Oi."

"YOU JUST TAKE AND CUT! THERE IS NOTHING DIFFICULT! AND HOW ARE YOUR SCRAMBLED EGGS ARE LIQUID?! ARE YOU A PSYCHOPATH?"

"OUT OF TWO OF US, ONLY YOU ARE A PSYCHO! WHO IN A RIGHT MIND WILL BE ABLE TO THINK UP TO SUCH IDIOCY?!" The veins on the plump man's forehead swelled with rage.

"I WILL MAKE SIX EGGS AND SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE."

"YOU WILL NOT WASTE EVEN MORE OF OUR FOOD, ZIM!"

"OI, YOU TWO!" Sirius again tried to draw their attention to himself. At first, he was interested in their absurd argument, but it quickly became old.

"SALT IS ON TOP OF THE EGGS, YOU CAN CUT OFF THE TOP LAYER AND EAT THE REST!"

"HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO THIS ON SCRAMBLED EGGS?! WHEN THE SALT TOUCHES THE EGGS, THE QUARTER IMMEDIATELY DISSOLVES ON TOP OF IT!"

"FUCK YOU JAY!"

"NO, FUCK YOU! I HIT THAT SKILL CHECK!"

"IF YAU DO NOT SHUT YAR TRAPS RIGHT NOW, I'LL KILL YAU BOTH!" Harry snapped and banged their heads together.

They were silent only for a couple of seconds, after which the voice returned to them with a vengeance.

"HE THINKS I CAN'T CUT SALT FROM THE EGGS!"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! THERE WAS TOO MUCH SALT ON THESE EGGS! AND WHY THE HELL WERE YOU BUYING EGGS IN THE SALT STORE?!"

"FUCK YOU!"

"OR WHAT? GOING TO CUT ALL SALT FROM MY BODY?!"

"I'M CUTTING YOUR DICK YOU FUCKING MUTT! ARE YOU WATCHING SCIENCE CHANNELS AT ALL?!"

"STOPPED WHEN THEY SAID THAT THE EARTH IS ROUND, EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S IN THE FORM OF A DONUT!!"

"BITCH WHAT?!"

"What the fuck. . ?" Black felt his sanity slip away from him with every word they said.

"YOU KNOW THAT I'M RIGHT, I CAN SEE AMERICA OVER US AT NIGHT!"

"IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF MUSHROOMS THAT GROW IN YOU'R BASEMENT TOGETHER WITH CORPSES!"

'The fuck does he need a basement with corpses for? And how can one grow dead bodies?'

"THEY AGREED! AND IT'S JUST FOR AESTHETICS!!!"

"EVEN OUR POOR JOHNNY!? HE HAS SEEN ENOUGH SHIT IN VIETNAM! HOW MANY YEARS DID YOU SPEND TO LURE HIM THERE?!"

"Three years, two months, twenty-three days, eight hours, and exactly three minutes."

Silence returned for a second.

"Damn. . . You're good."

"YA BET!"

"GET THE FUCK OFF MY PROPERTY!" Sirius roared, resisting the urge to break their necks.

"YOUNG MAN, WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?!" The skinny one asked - Zim if he heard correctly.

"OUR LORD AND SAVIOR CTHULHU ACCEPTED THEM AS HIS OWN! NOW FUCK OFF!"

Deciding that enough was enough, Sirius threw their bodies through the forest - most likely into the lake that should be there. He couldn't be sure, Sirius was never good with directions. As soon as the two troublemakers were no longer on his lawn, Black sighed heavily.

"I need a drink. Why didn't I buy some booze?"

With these words, the teenager headed towards his new act of underage drinking. Not his first time anyway. Oh, how many times he drowned himself in Firewhisky with the Wisley twins in his fifth year to get rid of nightmares - not that it helped - Sirius couldn't even count.

". . . I need Firewhisky."

---

The teenager didn't lift the shadow from his face and even changed his voice to a rougher one with the help of a small shadow layer in his throat. He didn't want to be recognized as a child now, did he? As soon as the first shady enough bar caught in Sirius's eye, he did not linger and entered inside.

He was not fazed by the incredulous looks from the visitors, nor by the barely visible drops of blood on the floor. And the gun that was put to his forehead as soon as he opened the door? Nothing new. Looks like a typical low-life hangout, he's seen enough at his Auror's work. Seriously, the pretty woman who aimed at his skull should at least assume that his shadows are bulletproof.

"Great," Sirius muttered and raised an eyebrow, not that it could be seen behind the shadows. "Mind puttin' that away Luv? I came here to drink myself to death, not to be short on the head."

The woman had the density to mumble something akin to an apology. She was expecting someone else. Meh, none of his business. Sirius smiled his toothy smile, sending chills down the backs of all who looked at him and sat down at the bar. The bartender was serving some other customer, so Black just leaned on the cold wood and waited for his turn.

Finally, the man with the head of a yellow scorpion drew attention to him and spoke.

"We do not serve masked people."

"Tough luck, big guy, this thing is a literal part of my face for forty years. If I can deal with it then you can too."

Scorpion looked at him for a couple of seconds but nodded in acceptance.

"Well then. . . What can I do for you today?"

"Do you have any Firewhisky? I'm ready to swallow a whole bottle after thirteen years. It's been far too long since the last time."

The bartender blinked - can scorpions blink? - and looked at Sirius blankly.

"Never heard of it, do you have more information?"

Sirius sighed heavily, no Firewhisky for him.

"The eggshell of the fire snake - Ashwinder's - is added to a barrel of whiskey and dissolves there for decades. Of course, I describe it all much easier than it is done. Some idiots tried to compensate for the scalding effect with kerosene, but in the end, they ended up with a completely different whiskey - Kewas if I'm not mistaken. Disgusting taste, but such strong alcohol is worth looking for."

"Well, at present it is not surprising that there are people who drink kerasin. But. . . Burns like Hell and hits meaner than a hammer, am I right?"

"Sounds like it. Do you have a bottle?"

"If you can drink a shot and not faint, I'll give you a whole box. Before, no one dared to drink more than a couple of drops of our signature knockout cocktail." Sirius raised a shadow where an eyebrow was on his face. "We save it for our most unpleasant customers." The Scorpion added.

"Deal." Sirius immediately agreed.

Firewhisky was the most popular drink for your average Wizard, but for a Muggle, it was worse than rocket fuel. The Wizards had a better tolerance for alcohol than Muggles. Hell! It was even better than that of the Goblins, and these assholes could eat anything. So it made sense that the Muggles were knocked out with the help of the mighty whiskey.

Scorpion pulled a bottle from under the table and poured Black a shot. This did not go unnoticed by the regular customers of the bar, who abruptly fell silent and began to look in their direction. Only the sound of divine nectar pouring into a glass was heard in the room.

"Is this a golden death.?"

"It looks like it.."

"Jesus Christ, is he suicidal?"

"Dibs on his dead body."

"Wha-?"

"Ten thousand that he won't be able to finish."

As soon as the shot was full Sirius took the glass and drank everything to the last drop. People around him stared in shock, so the teenager decided to play a little prank on his viewers.

He swallowed the burning liquid and inhaled deeply through his nose - the eyes of the crowd followed his every move - and as soon as he felt a burning sensation in his lungs, he threw his head back and exhaled a stream of fire into the air. Sirius started cackling with glee when he saw the blank faces of alcoholics around him.

"And that's why gentlemen call it Firewhisky." Sirius explained with a stupid smile under his shadow mask.

The bar exploded with shouts of excitement.

After that, time seemed to start running faster. More Firewhisky, more shouts, and even more acquaintances. For example, Giran was an interesting person to talk to, Sirius was even able to make a deal for some very old books and a shitton of 9mm bullets, but no one needs to know about that.

The teenager with a shadow face continued to drink whiskey straight from the bottle - the glasses were overrated anyway - that fit comfortably in his hand. Sirius was happy that it could last much longer than usual, it was the only alcohol that could knock him out. Of course, he can get drunk from usual alcohol, but that feeling was simply not the same as the magical booze.

On a chair to the left of Sirius sat a man who seemed to be a spider mutant. His eight black eyes seemed to be drilling into the side of Black's skull, and behind him were eight huge spider legs. Sirius thought for a second what a man would look like with normal spider legs and almost choked on his temples at the thought. The spider had gray hair, a shade closer to black, and fangs at the mouth with the fur of the same color - the wizard wanted to see him eat corn for some reason.

"Let me guess, you were just a normal spider until you were bitten by a radioactive teenager. And now you have to deal not only with hormones but also with mosquitoes that annoy you at night." Sirius said with a smile of a Cheshire cat.

The spider turned to him and thought for a couple of seconds, then doubled over with laughter.

"Hooo~ that was the first! Damn it, I've never met anyone who watched Spider-Man! Hey, is only your face is obscured by shadow or other parts of your body too? You know, natural censorship." The second round of laughter rang in the bar but it was drowned in the surrounding chatter.

The spider smiled oddly with his fangs and took a bottle of some kind of alcohol from the counter - Sirius can't make out the name.

"Hey, you put on a fire show here, huh? Now it's my turn."

Black could only watch as the spider doused his hands and used the spider legs to set them on fire with a lighter. Unfortunately, the show didn't last long because the same leg jerked and knocked over the bottle, setting the contents on fire.

"Alright, I've had enough! You both get the fuck out of here!" Shouted the second bartender, extinguishing the fire.

Within a few seconds, Sirius and the spider were on the street, not even realizing what had happened. Well, this wasn't the first time they got kicked out of bars, so they didn't care. The Firewisky was placed next to Black's head, so he had no reason to worry. Both just lay on the cold asphalt and stared up at the starless sky - light pollution made sure they didn't see it. People passed by but did not pay attention to them, it was refreshing in its own way.

"Kumono Ashi by the way." The spider suddenly said and brought Sirius out of his stupor.

"Sirius Black."

"Cool name, like some kind of Hero, or a Supervillain. Whatever tickles your fancy."

"I'll pass on both." Sirius didn't really want to think of his name as the name of the Hero or the Villain. Especially when his godfather was practically both.

"So. . . Want to burn another bar?"

"Fuck yea."

---

Sirius's head didn't hurt as usual in the morning after three bottles of Firewhisky, no. It was much, much worse.

His thirteen-year-old body - only God knew why he turned into his basic form - could not handle so much alcohol. Not that his sixteen-year-old body would do better.

The teenager sat down with a groan and looked around. He was in some kind of house and he did not know at all whose this house was. He broke down the door drunk and just fell asleep on the couch? Was he brought in here by Kumono? Was he even alive after yesterday? And why are there only flying clothes in all the photographs on the walls?

Black rubbed his face with his hands to shake off the remnants of sleep and sighed.

"At least I'm not dead. I'm scared to think what she would say to me." A chill ran down Sirius' spine, he didn't want to get another lecture, much less a third - forth? - life. He just now figured out all the memories of Selim Bradley, his current body, and Harry Potter himself.

"Hey you, you're finally awake! I thought I'd have to call an ambulance for you!" An energetic voice came from somewhere to the left, sending waves of pain into Sirius's skull.

"Please be quiet." He muttered helplessly, rubbing his temples.

"Nope! The hangover is a punishment for underage drinking! "

"If it was true, I wouldn't feel hungover at all. . ."

A transparent man appeared before his eyes with a bottle of water and some pills - probability painkillers - in his hands. He held them in the direction of Black and he slowly took the bottle. He knew perfectly well that ordinary water wouldn't help his dry throat, and the headache wouldn't disappear from one pill. Firewhisky didn't let go of its victims just like that.

"No pills?" The man raised an eyebrow.

"No pills. We die like Men." Sirius opened the bottle and emptied half of it down his throat. Yes, this will not help him, but hope dies last.

"Well, young man, it's too early for you to die."

"Second time I head that in 30 days. . ."

"So tell me what made you drink a case full of whiskey. Also, tell me HOW did you do it. You're practically skin and bones!"

"The whole case? Fuck, I thought there was at least something left."

"Language!"

A second voice came from the kitchen, and Sirius's improved senses only now remembered they existed. Black was bombarded with the smells of food - rice, scrambled eggs, and chicken fillets - cleaning products, cold water, and the painfully obvious smell of a campfire after his fire show. The headache only got worse. Sirius groaned, and the man only laughed at his dismay.

"My name is Hagakure Tobi, my wife Situra is in the kitchen and she is very unhappy that she found a drunk child in an alley last night. So you dug your own grave."

Tobi looked apologetic, but at the same time was pleased with himself. Honestly, it was a weird expression. His gray eyes and short brown hair were perfectly accomplished by his soft features, he was somewhat reminiscent of Remus but much less stressful.

"I'm fucked?"

"You're fucked."

"Well then, let's not delay the execution."