Chapter 19 "Paradise Circus"

Sunday, painfully early.

I wake on the floor, choking on snot, blood. My face is broken, seriously broken. Something is wrapped around my neck. It's dark, but I can see the black turning to dark blue. Early morning. I'm not alone. I don't have to see to know it's the blonde.

"Well...I'm still alive...so I got that going for me."

"I could have put you down-"

"Oh-why didn't you?" I croak out almost laughing, trying to set up.

She's quick, shoving me back to the ground hard. I see her standing above me, fist clenched. Those eyes piercing darkness. She uses a pointy boot to stab me down.

"You're worth more to us alive."

Funny, my face wants to argue that point. My right hand moves to my neck. It's a leash, tight. Bulky, heavy. I try to blindly feel it, still looking to those eyes.

In her hand, a remote.

My hand jumps away from the collar, my eyes terrified. She smiles down at me, not having to show me. My hands open passively, my eyes darting around. I have no move.

"Good. Don't try anything. We have something you need to see."

Her foot holds me to the ground as she fishes something from a backpack on the cot. Something tells me I really, really don't want to see.

"This might make you change your mind." Her eyes returning to mine.

Her face lights up behind the screen of a laptop for a moment before she drops it on my chest. 

"About?"

"Press play." Comes from the darkness above the screen.

I reluctantly do as I'm told, and her boot leaves. 

The screen lights up and I see myself standing in front of a camera. Obvious green screen behind me. It looks exactly like my office.

When did I do this? Did they drug me? I don't remember. Wait, I didn't do this! 

NSA deep fake technology.

My eyes moves past the screen and to her, as she watches me coldly, then fall back to myself on the screen.

"Hello subscribers, for years you have been searching and wanting the truth. My truth, or at least my identity as well...We'll wait no further, my name is-"

I blur out hearing my name, my location.

I pause it, not wanting to hear another second. It looks like me, sounds exactly like me. It's enough to fool even myself.

"Oh-no, you're going to watch your other love's hard work." She smiles down to me, "You know, what's her name? This is what she can do. Now, hit play."

I want to curl up in a ball, but I reluctantly do as she commands.

"I want to come clean...I'm a fraud. A liar. My evidence is falsified, fabricated, and false. All of it."

My heart sinks knowing the brunette did this. With her skills, her tools. Every sentence cuts deeper and deeper.

"I've been lying to you for years and now I'm going to stop...This is a list of the people who have helped in the "Guffybomb" release..."

As each name is read from "my" lips, I'm crushed. They knew the whole time. Each name, I think of the years of hard work to build my cred. The countless measures I had to take to cover our conversations. 

All wiped away with this video. All of them, exposed.

Real enough it wouldn't be questioned. Even worse, every contact released to the world is real. Real world people who exist in the shadows, bringing secrets to the light. Exposed for each of their countries secret police. Each name listed off, punctures new holes in my soul.

I would be completely ruined. Not only the world would think I exposed everyone who helped me, but now the world sees my face. My name. My location. 

Iowa City isn't that big. I would be hunted down. Taken all over again. Killed.

"...This will be the final video from this site. All my videos will be deleted soon after I release this. I'm sorry for lying and wasting your time."

Each sentence eviscerates me, knowing they wrote it. They want me crumbled to dust. To be nothing.

The video stops, and my eyes reluctantly make their way back up to her. 

"You want us? Upload it. Walk away."

"Why would I agree to it? Agree to let the world think I'm a liar?! Agree to expose everyone I trust?! Agree to cave into thee system for what!?"

"For us."

I'm completely struck. Is this another lie? Another manipulation?

"Can't I just...walk away?"

"No, you could just, walk back when we don't work out."

"When?...If I had you, I wouldn't...I couldn't go back. I would be complicit in the world's largest conspiracy, I would be a hypocrite!"

"It's decision time. You can't have both worlds. We have to make sure it's one or the other-"

"You know that's fucked!"

"Is it? You want us, to give up everything we've worked for, for you? You can't make that same sacrifice for us?"

"I won't fucking do it!"

"Is that your final answer?" She asks, eyeing me with intrigue. 

I shake my head, unsure of how I can answer this.

"Don't make me do this..." I whisper up to her. "This...would kill every one of them."

She doesn't flinch.

"Seventeen people...you would have me kill seventeen people...to be worthy of you?"

Her face seems slightly affected, but she doesn't respond.

"You knew them, all of them...the entire time...you just, just tortured me to see...see how much you could put me through until I cracked?"

Her face softens slightly. Almost looking human down on me.

"If you...already knew...their names." I stop, not wanting to finish. Her eyes let me know with sympathy. 

They're...already gone.

"Fuck, you." I whisper defiantly. "You don't, don't fucking deserve me!"

Tears in my eyes, I almost see her smile. I can't tell for sure. Her eyes standing out in the dark.

I slam the laptop shut, tossing it on the cot. I lay there, staring up at her, completely defeated. Angry, I allowed them to manipulate me. To beat me.

I don't want her. I don't want to see her. I don't want her love. I can't stand the thought of falling for her. Them. Their traps, manipulations.

I'm so easy. So stupid, for someone who thinks he's so smart.

She finally speaks her face still confident. "One day, you'll thank us. It's better this way..."

I move my head away, refuse to look at her. Out of spite. Out of hatred.

"...Look at me...Please."

Hearing her say please. Breaks my armor. Even for this. I can't help but slowly look back to her.

"...We can't do this...going forward...You would be a target-"

"I already am." I counter, my voice raspy with emotion. "I can't make another video...either way...I'm finished."

"We haven't released that."

"If you release me, and I make another video, it shows you didn't do your job...You would be targeted...I can't do that...not even to you."

Saying it out loud, forces me to realize it's true. I'm finished online. Only the world of work exists for me now. I'm a slave without my hope.

I see her face realizing what I would still give up for her. Even under the circumstances

We set staring each other down for a moment, before she breaks the silence.

"Come on, let's go home."

I stare to the ceiling, gritting my teeth, "Fuck you."

She holds up the remote, her face edges towards angry.

"Don't make me."

I refuse to look at her. "Fuck you. Fucking, murderer. You fucking handed them over."

"Don't. The trade was worth it."

"The trade!?...Seventeen people sacrificed for...me, was worth it!?"

"You get to live!"

"I'm not worth seventeen people!...You selfishly saved me, for what?! You don't want me! You...you think I can live the rest of my life, knowing, my life was traded for all of theirs!?"

"You think I want to live knowing you would rather be dead, than to be in our lives?...I had to...I had to make you hate me...us."

I can't look at her. I'm completely and utterly defeated. I have no fight left, I just want it over.

"You got what you want." I say to the floor.

She doesn't respond, as she bags the laptop, and some other things out of sight, then fishes the backpack over her shoulders. 

I see her hand reach out to me. I look at it, but refuse her assistance. I slowly rise, my face is sore from her kicking my ass. My soul is crushed by her kicking my ass. 

This is when I think being alone is the right path for me.

I feel her eyes on me, but I refuse to look up. I keep thinking seventeen people. Jeremiah, from the west coast. Benjamin from Saul Palo. Annie from Britain.

She grabs my wrists, and handcuffs me. Her eyes watch me, but I can't break the train of thoughts.

Ian from Ireland. Shen from Seoul. 

"You can ride in the front." She says nicely.

I don't acknowledge. 

She walks me out of the cell, and we enter the cold dark morning. Blues start streaking across the sky, and she puts her balaclava on. I don't even care about her identity anymore.

She walks me over to the cart, and deposits me in the passenger seat. Then she's next to me in the driver seat. My eyes just stare at the dashboard.

Nahal from India. Dimitri from Georgia. 

We lurch forward, and move across terrain I refuse to take in. She drives in silence; I feel her eyes occasionally look to me. My eyes just stare at the dashboard.

I think of the countless conversations, the work put into establishing connections, the amount of information coming from all over the world. Now gone.

The world's exposers of corruption being rounded up, eliminated. All because of me. 

I hear her voice, "We had to protect you."

My mind shuts down, until we reach the house, I just stare at nothing. My mind has lost its resistance, its will to fight. We pull up to the house, and I don't even care. Into the garage, the goosebumps dry up.

She doesn't put anything over my head, just staring at me a moment before she rounds me up, and we head into the house.

I'm pulled through the kitchen, the dining room in the dark. Everything is shades of blues and blacks. 

I hear steps coming down from above, and the brunette's silhouette says, "Good morning, Mr."

"Fuck you." I respond with venom, not looking up.

She stops, her face looks surprised in my peripheral, as we continue past.

We're at the basement door, and its pure black I step into and down. The steps creek under us then we walk on cold concrete.

I'm led past their torture room, and to the X frame in the next room. I'm numb as she takes my freedom, I just look down. Not even strong enough to fight her with words, or looks.

I'm secured, and she stays close to me in this dark room. Not saying anything, I feel her eyes studying me. I'm a shell of a shell, and I can't even look up to her. 

After a minute she starts to speak, "I'm sorry-"

"Just leave." I cut her off quickly, and it's silent again.

After another moment, I hear her move away in the dark. The door closes, and I'm alone. I'm shredded to pieces, foundations crumbling. I don't have anything, my sources are dead, my secret is exposed, and I'm exposed.

Tears just stream down my face. I'm so exhausted.

I have nothing to return to. I have no safe base. My dogs are more than likely dead. If they have any mercy in their souls, they'll put me down as well.