CHAPTER 9 : HER RESOLUTION

"Silence is the source of great strength – Lao Tzu "

Shasha sat on the sofa until she heard Sean was back from work. They talked a little bit. Shasha didn't have much things to say to her husband.

They didn't even made love for nearly half a year because Shasha was so pissed off with him. He didn't even show his affection when her eldest brother died. He only said "Don't think too much. What is gone is gone and will never return". He just hugged her for maybe 5 minutes and then he left playing his online game. He used to be affectionate when he was her friend.

Jeremy came and hugged her tightly without saying anything. It was more comforting that way. Silence sometimes could give her strength.

Shirley looked at her but she didn't know what to do, but Shasha could feel that she cared. More than words. Then they were busy with their own lives while she had nothing to do.

She tried to read her novel but she couldn't put her mind on it. She was still wondering where did it go wrong. 'Did he tell his friends about me and his friends asked him to block me?' 'Or could it be his parents saw the messages?' 'Or he just simply didn't want to be my friend anymore'. Shasha made up few reasons in her head since it was too sudden. Those reasons made her shivered.

God! It had been an ages she didn't do anything stupid and impulsive like what she'd been doing in these past few weeks. Created a Tellonym and pseudonym IG account which she had never thought she would do. Maybe she was at the peak of her depression and needed somewhere to vent it.

She held her head with her both hands and shaking her head. 'How could I have been so stupid at this age?' She asked the same question again and again in her head. Then she stared at her handphone and bit her lips. 'What's done is done. There's nothing that I can do to change it' Shasha thought again.

That was the first time she was blocked and she felt awkward but not annoyed or humiliated. She thought if she was Eden. She might do the same thing.

'If she was Eden…. ' Shasha straighten her body and suddenly the idea came into her mind. 'If I were Eden, I would still be studying!'.

"Should I try to finish off what I left 27 years ago? When I was 20?" Her eyes were suddenly sparkling and felt truly excited for the first time in 3 years.

"I should study again! At least for me" She said with a fixed resolution in her heart. If she could face whatever obstacles in her life before, she shouldn't just stay at home and indulged herself in self-pity. She wanted to live for herself once more, like she used to be. In a better way. She wanted to prove to herself that she could give the best version of her. Not for anybody but for her.

Even though she used to be called a Director or Human Resources Manager which might sound so impressive. For her, it was just a title. She could have that title because that was her husband's company. She had nothing except for her working experiences. No diploma or no degree. She ruined her chances when she was 20.

She didn't need the cert to show her value. She just wanted to amend something which she'd ruined in the past.

The next day, she started to make a move on her plan. She needed to do it as fast as she could. She didn't like to delay her plan, she needed to strike the rod while it was still hot. Just do what you think you want to do. The sooner the better. She remembered one of her college friends was working as a consultant at one of the private colleges in the city.

She sent a message to inquire if there was any language diploma course offered for part-time student in her college. She had searched for the information last night till she felt asleep. She thought she could try to be a part time translator since she liked to read.

Most of the private colleges would offer 3 to 4 years language course and it was a full-time course too. She thought in her case that would be such a burden and she might feel awkward to be surrounded by the group of teenagers all the times. She might become an outcast. She wiggled her body when she thought she might be outcasted. She didn't want to experience that. She had never been one before and she would not taint her new life with that kind of bullshit.

Her friend sent a voice message and told her they didn't have any language courses at the moment but she could send her the information of the courses offered to the people who were working and would not be able to take a full-time course.

Shasha asked for her help to send the information and once she got it, she felt ecstatic and exclaimed in her heart 'Are you kidding me?' She didn't know before that this kind of course existed. 'Why it is so easy to get a diploma nowadays? With only one day online class per month and the course would take for only 10 months to complete, then she could get a diploma?' She didn't know how surprised she was. A very tempting offer and it was so perfect for her. Furthermore, she knew she was too eligible to apply.

Since there was no language course, she looked through the courses offered and found one which she knew she could do well since she had quite a handful of experiences.

Diploma Executive in Human Resource Management. Then she looked at the subjects that she would have to take in those 10 months and felt so relief. There would not be anything related to Math. She was not really fond of Math. Numbers gave her headache. Even though she used to work in the bank for 5 years and she had seen numbers for the whole day. That was different. She counted money and the smell of money was quite addictive than did the accounting.

So, she decided to take that course and inquired about the procedures. She could start her course early next month. So, she still had one month to prepare herself. First, she needed a laptop of course since her old laptop could not be used anymore.

She sent a message to Sean. She didn't tell him about her decision last night. She needed to get the information first before she told him. She just felt that she needed his blessing since he was her husband anyway.

After Sean received her message. He sent his reply {Good for you. Do what you want to do. I don't have any problem with that}

Shasha had expected that kind of lukewarm reply from him. She still had a little saving. She knew she could still afford to pay the course fees without her husband's help. But, if he wanted to pay for it, Shasha would not reject it.

She inhaled deeply and felt the suffocation in her heart was getting lighter. The face of one particular boy suddenly appeared in her mind and she smiled. "Thank you for giving me back the feeling" she muttered.

She called her son and her daughter and told them about what she intended to do.

Both of them were happy for her. Jeremy said he would come over tomorrow. Shasha reminded him to bring his spare laptop and said she would need it. Shirley couldn't go back since she had so many classes and furthermore her university was in another state. It was not convenient for her. Shasha would not mind anyway. She understood that very well.

When Sean got back from work that evening. Shasha thought she needed to brief him more of information on the class and the procedures. When she was explaining ecstatically, Sean just nodding his head and didn't say much.

Shasha glumly asked him "Why can't you feel my excitement? It was the same when I feel sad and you can't even show any response that can make me feel better? So much to ask huh?"

Shasha didn't continue the conversation and she felt Sean would not give her any satisfactory answer either. She didn't want to ruin what she was feeling at that moment by thinking about her marriage.

Next morning, Sean was out to inspect the site for his new project. Jeremy came with his spare laptop and he asked for her help with something after both of them were talking regarding her plan.

"What do you want me to do for you?" Shasha raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms.

"Mama, please help me dye my hair?". With his begging face and he was blinking his eyes repeatedly. It made Shasha couldn't help laughing.

"Now you remember you have a very multi-talented Mama right? Before I help you, you also need to help me." Shasha showed him her mischievous face.

Jeremy asked what she needed from him.

"I need you to teach me how to play drum", Shasha was laughing. "I was the one who taught you to play a guitar remember? Now you are way better than me. So now you need to teach me back". Shasha made a begging face like what he gave her before.

"You need to learn the basic first", Jeremy said. He was not surprised with his mother's request.

"No problem!". Shasha grinned. She really needed to spend her time with something that could really make her happy and contented. She didn't want her time to be occupied with gloominess anymore.

She wanted to try something new. No matter what age she was at, she wanted to be happy with her life. She wanted to live like she was still a 20 years old girl.

Then she started to prepare all the things needed to dye Jeremy's hair. "I bought you this blue color I think few months ago." Shasha said.

"Really? This color is cool", Jeremy was giving her his happy face.

When Shasha looked at her grownup son. She couldn't believe that time had ticked away so fast.

Suddenly, it reminded her of Eden. 'Was his mama treated him like the way I treated my son?' Shasha was shaking her head.

'Why did I think about that?'. She felt it was ridiculous of her to wonder something like that.

After she had done coloring Jeremy's hair. Jeremy gave her a basic lesson how to play a drum. She loved music so much. Sean did too actually. Sean could play guitar and bass. Jeremy could play a guitar, a drum, a little bit of bass and ukulele. Shirley knew how to play guitar and ukulele like her.

She collected few music instruments like guitars, bass, an electronic drum, a keyboard and few percussions. She really wanted to build one music studio in her house. That was one of her dreams.