Chapter 21 - I Don't F*cking Care

Mona's POV:

My left hand rests on his arm and the other is still held by his hand on the bed.

“I can’t do this. Never done it with anyone and I’ll never do it. Not even with you as my husband….” I’m taking another deep breath with my heart beating like demented everywhere.

I avoid his burning stare as I can’t move my head anyways. It would mean to increase what I’m having with the dizziness. He’s reigned by silence, staring at me for sure, breathing his chest out, fanning my cheek, and flaming me with his body on me. It surprises him as it seems to learn I’m a virgin. Well….

To be completely honest with you guys, when I grew older, in my teens, and dad would tell me about mom and him and I started asking questions as I was now with a more mature thinking and he could give me more detailed explanations, not sexual ones, obviously, a sort of 'trauma' formed in me.

I didn’t consider it as being a trauma at the time, but seeing other mothers around me and mine missing, knowing she had a toxic pregnancy with me and how she died, it did leave a sort of mark on me. When I reached the age to receive attention from boys and all that, by instinct I would reject them and keep my distance from them. And that state of mind and instinctive reaction towards men has become permanent in me.

When I reached the 21 mark of my existence, having female friends around me asking me why they don’t see me on dates or hear me speaking about a man in my life and things like that, I gave them the explanation that I’m not the type to discuss about that and it’s not my main focus in life, which in majority wasn’t a lie. The lie was I didn’t have someone in my life, though boys and men have always swarmed around me. And I reflected over it with myself and reached the conclusion that I do corelate what happened with my mom and keeping my virginity. To not end like her.

I do know it has nothing to do with sexual stuff what happened to mom, but at subconscious level, in part, that’s happening to me. On the other part, I find sex as being something degrading for a woman, and I’m not speaking here in general, I’m referring to my person. And this part is in majority for why I have always rejected sexuality in my life. Moreover, I’m not someone to think about it or to explore my sexuality. I’m not built like that.

And no, I’m not an unidentified lesbian. I’m straight when it comes to this, but I don’t want sex. It’s that simple. To me, it’s that simple as concept to describe my person. Is it right or wrong? I don’t know, and frankly, I don’t care. What I do know and care, is that I can’t do it.

It is true that Bad Boy Fucker here is the only one who tapped that sealed corner in me and ignites my being in feelings and sensations, against of how things started between us and my hatred for him in doing what he has done. But even so, I still can’t pass that limit in surrendering myself to him and listen to my heart and body when it comes to him. And I’m someone with a strong, dominant, and bossy personality, who never surrenders or shakes off her beliefs. I’m so damn stubborn in everything related to my person. Call them flaws, as you might be right, but I’m honest here, and it’s not something I can actually change. It’s how I have always been.

But I’m never like this in negative ways, to persecute people or such. I’m a kind and warm soul in general, until you step on my tail and I see you break barriers in decency and all. That’s the moment when you deal with the evil bitch side of my being. But I’m a diplomatic bitch and always try to solve things first like that, until I see myself coerced to use not a diplomatic manner of resolving the situation.

“I love you, baby….” He kisses the side of my neck.

I don’t fucking care.

I’m breathing with difficulty and the dizziness is transforming in a pulsating headache.

“Look at me….” He cups my face and wants to make me look at him, but I don’t want to, and I stop him with my left hand on his.

“No…. I’m dizzy and not feeling well. Just…get off me.”

He groans as he’s fucked because of how turned on he is, and he lifts me on him with him sitting on the bed. I don’t know how and when my arms wrap around his neck and my face rests on the right side of it….

Who the fuck can understand me anymore? I don’t…. But yeah, his presence seems to always bring comfort and shelter to my being…. Though he’s main threat to me…. Yep.

My breasts are pressed against his chest and he’s holding me with one of his arms and the other hand is cupping the back of my head.

It feels good like this and I can breathe better…. My baby….

My eyes are shut and I’m fanning his neck with my cut breaths.

“I love you, baby Mona…. And I don’t want you to feel unwell….” He’s kissing my right shoulder and I escape a moan….

Fuck….

My heart is taking lower demented beats but his is increasing in demented ones. Yeah, I can feel his heartbeats. He slowly takes my head to face him.

No…. My head is a pain…. Please….

“I’ve missed you like crazy, my love….” He’s kissing my lips.

I don’t know how, but my guard drops. Not to the extent to fuck with him, but in being open with him.

He kisses my forehead and now leans his forehead on mine, staring into my eyes and I get lost in his ravishing and intoxicated green eyes. He’s brushing my hair. A soothing wave is enveloping my being.

Devil….

“I have a headache, baby…. I don’t feel well since that accident…. And when I came back to the States, being hit with the bad news and then with you, all that took a bomb in affecting my previous state…. I can’t say I didn’t have such problems since when I was around 19 and dad doesn’t know about this, but since the accident, everything is intensifying. It’s….” I sigh…. “What I’m having is not medically traceable.”

He kisses my lips, caressing my back.

“What do you mean, baby?”

I smirk, running my fingers through his hair at the back of his head.

“I can’t give you details about that, baby. But I can tell you it’s not solvable through meds and such…. Though I’m taking the treatment the doctors gave me. Well, I miss taking them sometimes when I’m caught in the tension of working…. I forgot to take the evening ones today, for example…. They do help me at some levels, but not in the complete recovery mode.”

“Baby? I need to know the details. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me. I have everything at hand to help you, but I need to know the source of it…. I know you’ve passed out for at least three times last month you stayed in England. It killed me to know that…. That’s why I wanted my doctors here to run tests on you and get to the bottom of it. I thought it’s due to that accident, though I saw you weren’t hit on your head from the medical records back in England.”

You did a lot of digging, Bad Boy Fucker…. He, he, he…. I love your eyes…. And your touch, your embrace, your kisses…. Yeah….