Chapter 18 - Here To Kill Me?

Stacey's POV:

I grab his phone and start reading as this shit is so fucking bad! My heart is playing a fucking shoot out all the way through my throat!

WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE?!

My brain is under an atomic bomb! I’m with a suffocating breathing and my eyes are devouring the documents before me on his fucking phone!

No! No! No!

My jawline is dropping, and my eyes fly wide….

YOU STUPID! IF I DON’T SIGN THESE, YOU’RE DEAD! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PLEADGE YOUR LIFE FOR MINE?! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS?! No…. No…. He got eight of them…. SHIT!

My blood is smashing my fucking veins in fucking fire! If I’ve been sleepy and in need of a fucking break, I’m now fully awake and alert! What did he do?! He fucking turned a fucking world of assassins against him! The deadliest out there! To take me out of the fucking agency and fucking marry him! And if I don’t fucking sign for my approval, or one of the fucking seventeen goes against this, he’s fucking dead! Both of us would have legions of paid assassins on our footsteps! And our entire fucking families!

HE’S FUCKING CRAZY! I’M NOT A SIMPLE ONE TO TAKE OUT! I CAN’T FUCKING GET OUT! IT’S FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE! I KNEW WHAT I FUCKING SIGNED WHEN I DID IT! I DID IT FOR MY BITCH SISTER! AND I KNEW THERE’S NO FUCKING WAY OUT! THERE’S NO FUCKING BACK DOOR FOR ONE SUCH AS MYSELF!

I can’t fucking breathe…. No…. I can’t fucking breathe…. He’s fucking crazy…. He’s just started a fucking war…. It’s a silent one for the moment…. And I was so fucking clueless…. FUCK!

My hands start shaking with the phone in, for the first time in years…. I’m shutting my eyes for a bit to regulate my breathing as much as I can. He’s the same as before at my back. I don’t fucking understand why he’s done this…. I don’t fucking know him or vice-versa!

“BACK OFF! RIGHT NOW!” I turn around and push his chest with force to put some distance between us.

I’m so fucking enraged and I think I have watery eyes. I don’t fucking know anymore. This move of his with my taking out is the hit, the disruption of my life, and his. His life is first to go south! It doesn’t matter who he fucking is, or how much money he has, or anything! You don’t mess with my world and expect to be fine after! They retaliate! I’m too important for them, and too deep in everything for them to let me go! Do you guys think that I don’t have moments when I want out as it’s so fucking hard to cope with everything?! I told you it is! But I can’t get out, only in fucking death! He’s fucked in his all and has watery eyes, clenching his jawline, with a pained stare at me.

Jesus Christ…. What the fuck is wrong with you, kid? I’m motioning the phone at him.

“What’s the meaning of this?! What the fuck did you do?! Do you think it’s a fucking game?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS?! DO YOU KNOW YOU’VE JUST STARTED THE STEPS TO YOUR FUCKING DEATH?! THE ONE TRUE DEATH?! ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?! WHY?! FUCKING ANSWER ME! NOW!”

Yeah, I’m hysterical in my all at him as I’m about to fucking explode in all my vital organs because of this. And he’s in a similar outburst at me….

“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! THAT’S WHY! I WANT YOU OUT OF ALL THAT! YOU’RE MINE! DEATH?! THIS PAST MONTH WAS WORSE THAN DEATH FOR ME! TO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU!”

What? Love? Past month? Know about me? What the fuck is he saying?!

Yeah, I’m panting and staring at him in disbelief as this makes no fucking sense to me, but he’s real in his all, motioning his right hand per his words, like a hurt animal screaming his pain.

“IF YOU’RE DEAD OR ALIVE! IF YOU’RE INJURED! WHEN YOU COME BACK! IF YOU COME BACK! HOW YOU COME BACK! YOU DON’T WANT TO FUCKING KNOW THE PAIN AND POISON WHICH CONSUMED ME SINCE THE MOMENT I WAS INFORMED YOU LEFT FOR THAT FUCKING MISSION AT NO MORE THAN FOUR FUCKING HOURS AFTER YOU HAD STEPPED OUT OF MY CLUB TILL THE MOMENT YOU CAME BACK FUCKING LAST NIGHT AND SAW YOU AGAIN! ALIVE! TO PUT SOME FUCKING PEACE IN MY FUCKING BLEEDING HEART FOR YOU! IF I KNOW WHAT I DID?! I KNOW! I’M CLAIMING MY WOMAN! MY WIFE! AND NOBODY WILL FUCK WITH ME ON THIS! I’VE GOT THE POWER TO DO IT AND PROTECT YOU! INSANE?! YES! BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND YOU’RE MINE! AND SINCE THAT NIGHT IN MY CLUB MY LIFE IS YOURS! ALL THAT I AM! IS YOURS!”

While listening to and staring at him, tears are coming down my cheeks as I realize that nobody has ever been this concerned or hurt for my wellbeing all these years, as I was on my own. I had nobody back home to suffer for me like this or to consider the dangers my life was taking.

I’m one trained to not take into account threats to my life or the possibility of death, and rare are the moments when I have the clarity of the life I’m undergoing since my parents died till present. You have no one, just you. If you’re sick, or have something disturbing, you need to keep it in and overcome it on your own. If you show it, it’s considered a weakness. So, you have to be a strong bitch and push yourself forward as there’s no one around to cover it for you or deal with things for you. Not at my level.

Matt? Well, we have same lives and it’s normality to us. So no, he’s never like this in front of me. He does express his concerns when he sees me in a light he knows I might not feel well or such, but I’ve never seen him suffering for me like this one does or to do SUCH STUPID things as in taking me out of the agency. Well, he’s under me in levels, so he’s got no power anyways. I’m the one with high balls, always…. Though I’m a woman….

Hearing him, seeing him, knowing what he’s done behind my back which is…pure death in exchange for my exit if things take a wrong turn, it does warm my heart without my want. I don’t know why, but it does. Well, I know why as I’ve explained it, but he’s a stranger to me and to do all that without having any fucking real connection to me, staking his life like that for someone who doesn’t even know him, or have the guarantee he’ll be loved in return, or such things….

I don’t know, I’m going crazy inside as I don’t fucking know how to go around this. The problem is that if I walk out and my superiors will find out about this, his apocalypse begins. And I can’t live with the awareness that someone died like that for me after he has tried major things for my life, unrequested, but still. And the other problem is that if I stay to see this through and protect his life for what he has put game on, it means to marry him and be his woman. Without my want or awareness, I’m in a major predicament right now. His life, my life, or our life together. Take that as an easy choice to make…. My heart inclines to his side, my mind is baffled….

“How the fuck did you fall in love with me? You don’t know me. I don’t know you. And you decided such major things without even….” I’m looking aside as I’m puzzled.

I don’t know how to fucking cope with this. The deal is already sealed, and it doesn’t matter anymore how and what should have been. I’m chewing from my lower lip with my stare down, trying to figure all this out as it’s a life and death decision. 'The' life and death decision. I’m getting dizzy….

“It doesn’t take me long to realize the one for me. I know everything about you, and you’ll get to know me. I’m sure you’ll feel the same as me. I understand it might sound as being selfish by not asking your opinion or giving time for us in normal ways, but your life and what I found out about you, forced me to do that for the one I love. I’m a real one who assumes responsibility for his actions. I never do something without thinking first. If I did all this, that’s confirmation in front of you that I mean everything, and my words match my actions.”

I throw his phone at him and turn around to walk out the room as I need some fucking air. I can’t fucking think or breathe. I need some alone time.

“Baby! Please!”

“Shut up! I need fucking air to clear my fucking mind….” I say this while stepping out the room and slam the door at my back.

I don’t look at the guys outside who have probably heard a lot of it and extend my hand aside for my shades. Sam gives them to me and they’re walking on my footsteps as they always do, without a word. I for sure look like a complete mess right now after all that. Brian has come out and I get car keys from Sam as he sneaks them in my hand. He knows procedures….

“Easy! Easy. Let her have some time.” Yeah, the guys are blocking him and I’m with hurried steps to walk out of the restaurant.

I set myself to not hear anything at my back, though he’s screaming after me and hitting the guys who are restraining him there. I don’t turn my stare at my back, and I’m out of the restaurant.

This shit is so shit! Man! He created SUCH A FUCKING SHIT!

I’m now with angry steps to reach Sam’s car and drive away. I don’t know where, but I need out to clear my fucking mind. I’m under pains in my all right now. I get in the car and I see Brian coming out, but I start the black SUV at maximum speed with a fucking perilous U-turn and drive away. I turn the music on as loud as possible in the car and I’m breathing like there’s no fucking oxygen, driving between cars without aim, just forward. I’ve got no clue where this route will take me to, but the fuck I’m concerned. I just need to drive as far as possible to help my mind to proper function again.

He’s fucking crazy…. It was all a trap with the mission…. To make me his…. He’s got inside people…. He couldn’t have done it otherwise….

I’m taking another U-turn as dangerous as the previous one, an inch distance from another car, and take another road, but I have no fucking aim. My left hand is squeezing the stirring wheel at refusal. My heart is between him and me, and it’s beating as if choking in blood.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? HUH?! WHAT?!

I’m crying on silent…. Unable to breathe right…. Driving like a lunatic on the streets…. No, I’m with attention in traffic. I’m trained for this shit, too. I’m not trained for love or for…. Yeah….

I just know to run business, to raise my fucking sister, and to do the shit I do as a top-level agent. The rest of life has been banned from my part. I’m not made for that.

The moment my parents died, my everything died. I’ve just lived for Anna and knew I had to do everything that stood in my powers to have her secured, provided with the best, and all that shit. My person has never had importance, just to come back to her alive and in full function to be there for her and for her to have a family and support, to not feel alone and with a broken heart as I did when I was abandoned by life at nineteen.

I reach under a bridge…. The bridge where I’ve always come at when I had problems and needed to either cry my sorrows or to scream my pain…. I park the car and stop the engine, get out the car without shutting the door and walk till my knees break and I’m on my fours, trying to catch my breath and send my heart on normal ranges…. Tears are flooding my eyes and cheeks, but I’m not voicing it.

I have no fucking choice…. He seems sincere and I know how to read people…. But…. It’s too much for me to take…. I don’t know…. I don’t know…. I’m…. I’m…. SO FUCKED! And him, too…. Why did you do that? Why? You stupid!

Yeah, my phone is constantly buzzing since I’ve drove away, but I’m not answering. I can’t right now…. My stomach is in turmoil and I’m getting so fucking dizzy…. My heart is pounding between my neck and my stomach. My neck is clenched till my brain.

I just needed a fucking break…. Not this…. He’s right, but not for one like me…. It’s too late for me to take a normal life…. This is my normal life…. To eliminate criminals…. And all the shit involved…. After all I did…. I can’t have a regular life…. I’m not normal anymore…. Anna was right…. She’s normal…. I’m not…. I don’t feel the need of the life she wants for her…. I just want to rest…. And that’s all….

While staying like this and having the train of thoughts, enveloped in a soul suffering along with my physical aches, squealing tires of several cars are at my back where my car is.

I don’t even want to know who’s there…. Nope…. I’ve got no place to be alone it seems….

I’m not moving, not saying anything, just listening at my back as several people are getting down the cars, and from the noise they are men, well-built, and several guns are charging at me. I’m smirking and laughing under my lips in a devilish manner.

Man! Ha-ha! Dangers always follow my ass…. Ha-ha! Wonder who the fuckers are…. Ha-ha! Oh boy…. See, Stace? This is your pathetic life….

I’m standing up feeling like a drugged in pains person, but they’re having my back. Yeah, I’ve got the guns on me. But I don’t think I’m going to use them…. Maybe this is the answer to all my problems….

“You’ve finally come back, Stacey Alexander.” It’s a male’s triumphant voice.

I chuckle, staring at the water before my eyes that is waving….

“One question. Here to kill me?”

He’s pausing.