Chapter 22: I want you to see me

Song recommendation: "Think I could love you" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Exl9aFzBY0&list=OLAK5uy_kcbAzhx5KS4zjQ5-mVYwrGdu0mjsRIAXw&index=7)

"You think you love me?" Errik repeated. His expression did not change at all, "and that's why you are crying. What a strangely offensive confession,"

"No!" Veretta exclaimed, "I'm crying because...I feel like...I feel like giving up the world for you but that's not who I am! Silthus is coming here and all I can think about is your eyes and..and your smile and how to help you but what am I supposed to do with that? How can I face my dead parents with this disgusting ambivalence? I am crying because I am weak and I fucking hate myself for it."

"Ah, there's that excessive honesty again," Errik tilted his head back, "So why did you bother to confess? Do you even want to hear my answer?"

"Yes...No," Veretta shook her head, "I don't know! We shouldn't even be having this conversation. The Red General is here and who knows what he's going to do. Can you give me a minute alone please, Errik? I need some space to think,"

Veretta turned away inhaling the cool air shakily. Her watery green eyes went searching for some peace in the moonlit garden. However Errik had other ideas.

"I refuse," he stepped forward, "unless you command me, I'm not leaving. Look at me, Veretta,"

Veretta turned back reluctantly.

"You didn't want to summon me but you did," he said in a low voice, "you didn't want to command me but you have and now you don't want to love me but you do. What do my feelings even matter? Just let go of this ghost of who you want to be and embrace who you are. You can just will me to love you and I will."

"I would never do that!" Veretta's eyes flew up wildly.

"Why not?" Errik skimmed a finger over her ruby lips, "don't you want me?"

"Not at the expense of my soul," Veretta's jaw clenched, "or yours,"

"It's too late for that," Errik answered unflinchingly, "you paid for me in your own blood. You'll have your revenge if you can accept it. I doubt I shall suffer greatly from your love. Love me if you wish,"

"If I wish? " Veretta stared at him irate, "You're talking as if this doesn't concern you. Why can't you understand that I won't force my feelings on you at the expense of your suffering? Do you think these boundaries were just for you? They are for me as well, so I don't completely transform into something reprehensible. Summoning you and killing all those people - I know I did those things and I am tormented them but that doesn't mean I give up on being a human entirely,"

"I'm trying to make it easy for you," Errik offered a melancholy smile, "Haven't I offered myself willingly since the start? All I have is this body that you gave me. Love it, break it, destroy it. It was always yours. It doesn't matter."

Veretta shook her head grievously, " All you say is it doesn't matter. You act as if you are still dead, but here you are in flesh! Doesn't your heartbeat? Don't you feel pain? Or warmth? You don't know how your words cut me, Errik. If I am a monster in the eyes of the world, I can accept it but at least by you, I want you to see me as a person,"

"Then forget about everything else and see me as a person as well!" Errik wore a pained expression, "what am I supposed to say when you make loving me seem so hard?! You don't even want to hear my reply? Aren't you too cruel? Either I am a person and you can't just toss your feeling upon me with such disregard or I am merely an object of your making to do as you bid. I am sick of your indecision! If you say you love me then actually love me otherwise I never want to hear these words from you again!"

Veretta was stunned to silence. She hadn't considered Errik's feelings at all. She had been so concerned with her own darkness, it had blinded her entirely. It felt as though for the first time she truly saw him. Perfection and imperfection were so masterfully blended into one, it was startling. The image of his desperate shining golden eyes was seared into Veretta's mind for the rest of her life.

"Then Errik," Veretta said slowly, " let me start again. I love you... What is your reply?"

Errik let out an unhinged breath and stepped forward breathlessly. He caressed her cheeks passionately and kissed Veretta deeply. She returned his kiss feverishly. She never wanted it to end. In that moment, her revenge, the pain and depression went away. All she could see was him.

Suddenly there was a loud throat-clearing then broke snap them out of their reverie.

" You really have changed," came a voice.

Errik and Veretta turned back and looked down at the veranda. The Red General was leaning back on the balcony wall with a smile. He took a sip of his wine leisurely as Errik glared at him with irritation. In response, the general held up his hands repentantly.

"Wouldn't it have been creepy if I just stood there and not said anything?" he grinned.

"You could have just left," Errik replied flatly.

"I'm not that pure," the General laughed, "besides I thought you would be happy to see me,"

"You sent us a message to say Silthus is coming here," Veretta enjoined, "when?"

"Straight to business?" the General remarked, "How enterprising, miss witch."

"When is he coming?" Veretta asked more adamantly.

"Hmm three or four months I'm guessing, "the General smirked.

"What? You said he was going to be here!" Veretta exclaimed.

"And he is," the General smiled, "... in three or four months. Don't look so glum. This is good. You have time to prepare,"

"How would that benefit you?" Errik interrogated.

"Benefit me? It doesn't benefit me in the slightest," the General replied, "in fact, I'll probably get in big trouble when Silthus discovers what I've done,"

"Then why?" Veretta frowned, "why are you helping us?"

"I have my reasons," the General replied reticently. "Don't you know I'm curious about how my old friend is faring under this curse of yours, miss witch?"

"I don't need your concern," Errik answered hostilely.

"Apparently you do," the General smiled. "I've heard some interesting reports already, not to mention the ice field just outside. Are you trying to destroy another tower?"

Errik flinched at the words but gave no reply. Veretta looked up at him and back to the General cautiously, "Do you know why this happening to Errik?" she asked soberly.

"Is that what they call you now...Errk? It suits you. It seems like you've changed a lot, "the General said thoughtfully. "You're almost like a different person. I wonder if this is the source of the problem?"

"How exactly have I changed?" Errik glared, "Why don't you enlighten me?"

"For starters, you told me it was a sickness. You don't remember? "The General laughed.

"What is a sickness?" Errik dismissed.

"Love," the General smiled coldly, "you told me it was the most useless thing in the world,"

Both Veretta and Errik exchanged uneasy glances. The General took another sip of his wine gingerly.

"Magic and the soul are entwined so deeply, you cannot move one without the other," the General added, "if you're not careful you could destroy one or both,"

"What do you mean by that?" Veretta questioned fearfully.

The General gave another icy smile. Errik stared down soberly.

"Veretta, will you let me speak to him alone for a moment?" he asked quietly.

Veretta looked up surprised, she wanted to stay, but there was something about the seriousness of his expression that made her concede. She gave a tense nod and stepped back into the main hall.

Errik was quiet for several moments, " you seem to know a lot about me,"

"As I told you I did," the General grinned.

"So were we friends?"Errik frowned.

"Mmm, it's funny. I hated you when you were alive but after you died I often reflected on your words. I thought you were just spiteful when I was young. As time passed I realised you were right...about many things, "the General shrugged.

"Such as?" Errik asked.

"About life, "the General smiled, "about freedom. About love,"

"Is that why you feel entitled to give me advice about my life now?" Errik's eyes narrowed.

The General raised an eyebrow amused.

"It seemed like you were about to tell Veretta that my love was what's making me sick? Don't do that," Errik warned, "don't insert yourself into my life in any way. I will do things my way. Stay out of it,"

"She asked," the General let out an incredulous laugh, "and so did that familiar-looking blonde friend of yours a few moments ago. Even Yona went to great lengths telling me about your exploits. They're all pushing to help you and here you are telling me to get lost?"

"You are a demon!" Errik spat, "The others don't know what that means but I do! I can remember that much. You aren't interested in helping me. I don't know who the person is you used to know, but that's not who I am anymore,"

"Are you sure?" the General gave a cold smile, "because you don't honestly think I would have spared your life just for the fun of it do you? OR did you really think I saved that village out of the kindness of my heart? I did because it was you. Now if you say to me, that the person I did all those things for doesn't exist, what do you think the recourse of my action should be?"

"So now, what is it this supposed to be?" Errik returned the smile icily, " are you trying to correct me or mock me?"

"Mock you?" the General threw his head back laughing, "well at least one thing remains. You are overly suspicious of everything! "

" I think my suspicions are justified. You say you know me but you are a demon. You work under the banner of a warlord and you keep interfering with us. Why should I trust a single thing you say?"

"Good point, " the General grinned, "perhaps you shouldn't, but trust me or not, you need my help. If not for your own sake, then at least for the sake of that little witch of yours,"

"And what is the solution you have in mind?" Errik answered quietly.

"I think you already know," the General took another sip of his wine gingerly," you can only run from the past for so long," he smiled without looking up.

Errik expression turned grave, "No, I don't want to remember."

"Do you honestly think you have a choice?"