Chapter 6: Toy to Fate

*Tap* *Tap*

My shoulders were droopy and my head was down. I was on my usual route back from the academy as usual. Sigh.

If an outsider would have seen me walking he would have certainly considered me to be half dead.

"Wait....!! That doesn't make sense."

My pupils shook as I realized how unthinkable by train of thought was! My steps kept to a halt.

And yet the strap of leather that I was holding onto as it went across my shoulder was proof that something was wrong with me.

"Huh?"

I glanced at my own shadow. Strange? Wasn't it supposed to be late at night. And...

How the hell am I alive?

More importantly...

"Why did he stop suddenly?"

"Is he okay after all of that?"

"Must be troublesome to be in his shoes..."

Chatters and whispers resounded behind my back. Those were some familiar voices? I couldn't help but turn around.

But as I did my face turned pale as all the color in it seemed to have disappeared.

There were five of them walking behind me. My old or rather ex- friends at the academy. Eri was among them too.

How can that be?

They were supposed to be dead! I was supposed to be dead too...

Yet what with this familiar street and fragrance in the air?

But don't misunderstand.

It wasn't nostalgia that I felt, rather it was despair.

As I glanced across their worried faces, the events of their death flashed back through my mind. Those were some nasty memories that I had long buried in my consciousness. But watching them here in blood and flesh caused an old wound to bleed open.

My pupils shook. My body was no better as it convulsed.

Ghosts?

Nah.

Memories can be much more nastier than ghosts.

I turned around forcing myself as I made a run for it. Honestly, it was too much for the me at that time who had but recovered from mind shattering pain due to the mana transfer.

What can I say?

I was scared...

I was confused...

And more than anything. I was tired... I didn't want to re-live those memories again.

I ran and ran with no direction. Or maybe? But when I opened my eyes to check my state, I had already reached back to my childhood home.

Strange?

Why was I here?

Perhaps while I ran without direction my subconscious directed me here? I had no clue. Only speculations.

Perhaps driven by nostalgia I opened the gates struck in a daze. The two storey house seemed inconspicuously new... even though it should have been in shatters due to a dungeon outbreak?

The memories of that outbreak was still fresh in my mind but didn't cause me any pain as much as the others. I wonder why?

"I hate this... why does this place still exists?"

I pinched myself to check if I was in some kind of nightmare.

Nope.

It hurts like any other day.

The door swung open as I walked in struck in a daze.

"Who is it?"

A familiar voice called out to the intruder.

Could it be?

"It's me."

Even though I was not quite sure who it was, I almost reflexively called out to it as if by habit... but there was no longer any response from the other side.

I checked up on it just in case.

"That can't be..." I whispered.

My mother was there in the kitchen alive in flesh and blood.

"No..."

I shook my head.

"That can't be..."

I stumbled behind. There were a plethora of mixed emotions gushing through my heart that I was no longer sure of. I checked my face in the mirror.

"I am young..."

I wasn't that old when I had died either. I was in my late twenties. But this face of mine now was inconspicuously young. There was not a single mark on this sparkling face.

Nothing made sense anymore.

Things were in complete disorder. I needed some space to sort out my thoughts. Without a second thought I stormed off to my room and closed shut the door behind me.

*Bam*

I fell onto my bottom as I checked the calendar.

Putting all the dots together all of this could only mean one thing. But I had to confirm it first.

[Year: 1455]

Was fate making a joke on me?

Why was I time travelling all of a sudden? That was certainly not my power, was it?

"Damn, stop toying with me!" I cried.

Suddenly all of that confusion and fear had as if transformed into pure anger. I tore apart the calendar in my hands as I cried in pain.

"Haaa!"

*Bam* *bam*

Everything that was on my table was tossed here and there. My room had became a complete mess as I had lost control of myself.

I had finally let go of those memories burying them deep in my past.

You say, I have to live through them all over again?

Damn, aren't I even allowed to die in peace? I wanted to punch something real hard to let out my anger. But not having anything in sight I only thrashed in my room.

I screamed in pain.

Although I was getting worked up but I knew in the back of my mind that all of this suffering would come to an end if I kill myself here.

And yet I also knew that I was the type of coward who wouldn't be able to take his own life.

Ironic isn't it? Considering that it was because of my own actions and choice that I had died in the hospital in the first place. Quite the hypocrite I am, aren't I?

But it was also true that at my point my state of mind was more of 'I want to be close to her corpse' rather than 'I want to die'.

And in the first place, I wasn't sure that I would not be stashed away even more into the past if I were to die again.

"Haa, Haaa"

I panted as sweat poured down my forehead.

What am I to do now?

With my powers it was impossible for me to change the past.

I would have to re-live through all of that again. Maybe it won't hurt as it had in the first time?

And even if I were to change the inevitable deaths of those close to me, would that really be enough? I suspect since there also other things that are to be considered...

All I knew was that this splitting pain in my brain that didn't want to go through those same experiences again.

It was horrid and traumatic no less.

"What should I do? What should I do?"

The day had been a mess for me. I kept switching between confusion and anger and yet an answer never dawned upon me.

"Oh wait, I am reborn aren't I? I can probably stash up a lot of cash and fly away to some place safe where the news of their death would never even reach my ears much less haunt me!"

Yes! Yes!

I can't believe how brilliant I am.

I couldn't really trust my sloppy memory much. But certainly I had a rough idea of all of the major market crashes, bears and bulls of the market, don't I?

I can maneuver a sizable amount of vast fortune and flee from all places dangerous and cut off myself from the world.

In the first place, the bonds that the others shared with me, weren't really that strong so early in the game. They would forget about me in the nick of time.

And when it came to my parents, I certainly couldn't care any less. They could just go and hell I would budge.

I was grinning to myself. The confusion and anger had driven me to such a state before I knew it.

While, it couldn't refute that my resoning was perhaps logical, but deep down I didn't want to resort to it. I was a hypocrite through and through.

But the me of that time could harldy understand that. I was blinded by my confusion and my escapist tendencies.

Yes, it was true. I wanted to escape. For I knew that I could have probably increased my fortune a hundred times of what it was possible in my first life but I could never increase my own power. It was bound by my birth something that could never be changed.

And more than anything, I was tired and afraid.