His Memory (4/6)

One day, I saw Wu Fei near the school's furnace.

He was holding onto that diary, and when he reached his arm towards the furnace, I immediately dashed to him and grabbed his wrist.

Yet, it was too late. The diary slipped out of his grasp and fell into the furnace.

At that moment, the book lit into a sea of flames. Scintillating red and yellow bands of scalding heat intertwined, slowly devouring the entire diary with its sparks and embers.

We stood before the bright-lit furnace, watching the flames dance like ghosts mourning for someone's death.

Not only did the fire consume the diary that brought upon a series of misfortunes, but it appeared that it was consuming his soul.

My heart stopped when I saw the book burning. I tried to reach for it, but Wu Fei dragged me back.

"What... what are you doing?! Are you stupid? You're going to burn yourself," Wu Fei panicked.

I whipped my head around. "I should be asking you that! Why did you burn it? Isn't it important to you?!"

"Important?"

A long silence lingered between us until Wu Fei spoke. "I should have never written anything in the first place. It's disgusting! It was all a mistake. I shouldn't even be having these feelings. Gu Xiao, why are you still talking to me?"

That question confused me, but I responded, "Because you are my friend."

"But... you know I don't see you that way. After everything that has happened, I'm sure you know how... I've tried really hard to not be like this. I tried not to be so gross, like what everyone says, but I can't. I've tried so hard to fix myself, but I feel so disgusting for being like this too!"

"There is nothing wrong with you. Then, let me say this. Although I can't return your feelings, don't invalidate them. It doesn't mean you're different or you're not normal, and it doesn't change the fact that you are still my friend. But the moment you call yourself disgusting for having these feelings, won't you be the same as those who ridicule you with their bigotry?"

"If I was never like this, then all of this would have never happened in the first place!"

The burst of Wu Fei's emotions was something foreign to me. He was always calm and collected and, of course, quiet. To see him pushed so far to his limit made me stunned. But it was to be expected.

"What would you know..." he mumbled, and my heart fell.

Wu Fei didn't say anything after that, and all I saw was pain drowning his eyes.

We didn't talk after he left. I didn't mention anything about the bullying because he didn't want me to. Was that a mistake?

...

As weeks passed, he still continued working his best in terms of studying. But it was hard when his efforts were not seen as something admirable anymore.

All our classmates resented him. They thought it was contemptible to have someone like him even be in their class.

It was only now did I realise that, after every exam we received, and every time the ranking list came out, Wu Fei always remained silent for a while.

Ah, and then he would tear his papers secretly. Ripping. Crumpling. Shredding it apart.

"This is new! Congratulations Wu Fei for getting first place in class for the natural science exam. Gu Xiao, you are now in second, though the difference between you two was just half a mark," the teacher announced.

Despite receiving the top marks, Wu Fei still crumpled his exam and didn't smile at all. Instead, he now looked at me as though I had betrayed him.

One time in the hallway, He Rong bumped into Wu Fei while he was carrying our test papers.

The words He Rong said still ring in my head: "I don't want someone like you to even touch my papers."

And he left.

It was as if I had been sleeping with my head under the water that my brain swelled.

I lived through the following spring with that knot of air in my chest, but I struggled against confrontation, both with myself and others.

Stuck inside this suffocating contradiction, I went on endlessly spinning in circles. Those were strange days, now that I look back at them.

I pulled He Rong into an empty classroom, and he smiled. "Gu Xiao? What's up?"

How could he still smile? How could he still behave like this? Even though I saw He Rong the most, we would only exchange a few words. Comparing the stage of where we were at now to before, it was truly different.

"Why are you trying to pit everyone against Wu Fei?"

I was also immature back then. I blamed He Rong first before blaming myself. Instead of pushing everything onto He Rong, I should've thought about my own mistakes.

"Gu Xiao. Have you not seen what he wrote about all of us? I'm doing a favour for you."

"A favour? But he didn't even write that."

"Well, he did write those things in his diary. He sounds like some high school girl who is desperate for affection. Don't you find it disturbing that he's probably been thinking strange things every time we hang out?"

"No. I do not."

"...Do you swing that way too?"

"What? Do I need to be gay to have respect for others? Do you see Wu Fei disrespecting boys for liking girls? He's living his life and minding his own business, so why can't you?"

Even after calling He Rong out, he didn't stop with his mockery and rumours. He clenched his fists, and it appeared that his eyes sunk into darkness.

"How can you have so much faith in him? Why do you trust him so much?"

It seemed like he was pretty frustrated, but I, too, was frustrated. No, I wasn't frustrated, I was just confused.

So, neither of us at the time could understand each other's emotions except for our own. I didn't understand what he meant by having so much trust. Was it wrong to trust friends? I trusted He Rong, too. But I just didn't understand why he would do these things since there was nothing to gain out of it. I just wanted him to give me an explanation, and I would try to make sense of it.

I don't know what happened after that. But a few days later, the same routine occurred.

He Rong didn't sit with Wu Fei anymore because of the new seating arrangements.

He moved somewhere else. Surprisingly, Zhang Yongyin and I still sat behind Wu Fei, but the other tables around Wu Fei shifted further away from him.

Every time Wu Fei spoke to answer questions, snickers and chatters would arise from all around.

People would constantly approach Wu Fei and ask about the messages where he was bad-mouthing everyone.

Yet, he always remained silent.

No matter what he said, no one would listen to him. So, he just stayed quiet and listened to the insults they threw at him.

Another time during second break, when Wu Fei pulled out his papers, they were all wet.

I think it was oil. That was when he could no longer just sit and smile.

The corner of his lips that always hung high slowly drifted lower. So, he stood up and left the classroom.

I bolted up to follow him, but a classmate called out from the other side of the classroom to me.

He was sitting next to He Rong, if I remember correctly.

"Gu Xiao. Are you and Wu Fei dating or something?" the boy asked.

My mind couldn't process those words, so I started laughing. Probably.

It was only then did I realise that another rumour had risen. Not about Wu Fei, but about me.

I said something that made that boy who asked me that question close his mouth from embarrassment. Wu Fei was more closeted and quiet.

Maybe that was why no one exacted the same judgemental eyes as they did to Wu Fei to me. They perceived my words as entertainment to fuel their deprived minds and just laughed. The people around even started making fun of the embarrassed boy.

After I responded to him, I sensed the contempt in He Rong's eyes. He was glaring at me, but I didn't bother returning the stare and left to chase after Wu Fei.

I finally asked Wu Fei again if he was alright. I didn't even know why I asked, but I always hoped his response would change.

Yet, all I received was the same answer of silence.