Hiding Behind My Shadow

The disruptions within classrooms were high today.

With students getting pulled out of their lessons to the office, there was this constant noise of the door opening and closing because today was parent-teacher interviews.

However, Gu Xiao never had to worry about these events since they never involved him. He stopped showing his father the note, so he never expected him to come whenever they held these parent-teacher talks.

The classmate who walked into the classroom called out, "Gu Xiao!"

He flung his head off from the table and looked over. "What?"

"Wipe your drool. It's your turn to go to the office."

He stared at his dear classmate with blank eyes and slowly lowered his head down onto the table.

"Why are you going back to sleep? Your interview is next."

"I'm not sleeping," he said with his head still planted on the table, completing the practice exam for mathematics.

"What interview? Is it because I won that eating competition last year? I already did the interview."

"You were the one who won that? Wait, that's not it. Your father is waiting with Mr. Shen."

A long silence filled the classroom, and he instantly whipped his head back up. "What?"

"Wipe your drool before you leave."

He scratched his head, and all that left his mouth was, "Huh?"

...

He hesitantly opened the door to the office. Even while walking through the corridors, he still didn't believe that his father was with Mr. Shen.

Even if he was, he was probably in a drunken state like last time when he passed out in front of their school. Yet, what he saw in front of him, caused his brow to slightly raise.

His father and Mr. Shen turned around, and he beckoned him to sit beside his father. Gu Xiao still had an expression that read "utterly confused," but he slowly walked to the seat where his father kept his gaze hung low.

"Dad, what are you doing here?"

"Is that how you speak to your father?" Mr. Shen said.

"I took some break off work."

Gu Xiao sat stiffly. Even now, he couldn't comprehend this situation. Seeing his father inside the school, who barely ever came home, that constantly ran away, in this meeting, was strange.

"It's a pleasure to have you here today while I talk about your son."

"Thank you for taking care of Gu Xiao."

"Well, we'll look at his first semester results compared to his other years," Mr. Shen informed and turned his computer screen around, which displayed his marks throughout the whole year.

Just seeing those numbers made Gu Xiao squint and lean back because they were genuinely tragic. Who knew these numbers acted like arrows piercing his heart each time Mr. Shen pointed to each midterm exam? It was all straight seventy-eight for mandatory subjects while science was one-hundred and three.

"But in his first-semester report, his marks have improved, and his study habits have also gotten better. But even though he is handing in his work now and working hard academically, there is still room for improvement regarding classroom behaviour."

"How... does he behave during classes?"

Gu Xiao glanced at his father and blinked twice in confusion. This was definitely foreign. Hearing him ask about his school life was strange to his ears.

It left him completely puzzled that he attempted to find an explanation as to why his father was there. Was this really his father and not someone dressed in his skin?

Since the third years were interviewed last, did that mean he went to Gu Heiyu's interview in the morning? Gu Xiao knew she would probably be in more shock than him.

"Sleeping. If he's not sleeping, then he's talking. If he's not talking, then he's eating. If he's not eating, then he's drawing. If he's not drawing, then he will be working. If he's not working, then he's sleeping. And it repeats."

Gu Xiao averted his gaze from Mr. Shen in shame.

"But he has been fixing these old habits, so there is no need to worry."

His father nodded.

"Gu Xiao, what do you plan on doing in the future? What careers do you have in mind?" Mr. Shen asked.

"Careers?" Gu Xiao repeated.

"It is crucial to be thinking about these and university preferences."

He didn't even know if he could afford to pay for university.

So, hearing Mr. Shen ask just twisted his heart into tangling knots, pulling it down into the immeasurable depths of the shore.

He had dreams, universities he wanted to attend, courses he wanted to study, and places he wanted to go, but every time he dreamed of the future, the last question that stung his mind was whether he could afford it. Or whether he even deserved to attend university.

"I... don't know," he said.

His father lowered his gaze and fiddled with his rough-skinned fingers. The two just sat there in silence. Helplessness.

Sometimes, everyone went to school wearing the same blue and white uniform, walking down the same path, and having their schoolbags slung across their shoulders.

They all walked the same way. But he sometimes felt he was the only one walking in the opposite direction. Perhaps others walked with him, but even those other people felt like they were by themselves.

The air on this path was thick. It suppressed his lungs and body, making him tread through the roads with this weight bearing him down. But sometimes, just sometimes, he felt like he was on the same path as others before splitting. So, it wasn't that unbearable.

Mr. Shen might have been talking to his father, but Gu Xiao could not discern the words coming out of his mouth.

Maybe the hand that was reaching out to him right now, the light that was shining down his path, the signs that were directing him back. Perhaps he should stop avoiding them before they accumulate to his feet, reach up to his waist, and drown him.

"...Health."

"Hm?"

"I... want to study health... and go into psychiatry."

Mr. Shen's lips parted, and the creaks of the broken air conditioner filled the gaps in their conversation.

Even his father, who sat beside him with a naturally sunken face, looked at his son with surprise.

A large smile formed on Mr. Shen's face, and he nodded. "Both your science and English are definitely improving. From 78 to 132 for English and 103 to 245 for natural science is quite a big improvement. That's good. You have something to work towards. But that is an extremely hard course to get into, especially since it's part of the medicine faculty. You might need to get at least above 95% for all your exams. Luckily, only this year's results count towards your university marks."

Gu Xiao's face softened. He needed a few minutes to process what he had just blurted.

It felt like a thin layer covering his eyes had finally been peeled off, and his vision had gradually become more transparent. But he didn't dare look into anyone's eyes. Not Mr. Shen's or his father's.

"Although you may have had a rough start, it's never too late to get back on track. If you keep these results, or even higher, throughout this semester and in the entrance exam, then it can be achievable. Just make sure not to sleep that often in class anymore, alright? It feels like the teachers are alarms for you at this point," Mr. Shen scolded.

"And even if you don't get into psychiatry immediately, you can always do pathways. The journey might be longer and more tiring, but as long as you have the motivation and the determination to get to that point, then that is all that matters."

Mr. Shen continued talking to his father and occasionally would ask Gu Xiao some questions, to which he would just respond with a couple of nods.

Strangely, what he thought would be an oppressive interview turned into something comforting. Of course, he would sometimes sweat in guilt when Mr. Shen exposed his misbehaviours during school times and his lack of punctuality.

There were times Gu Xiao complained about Mr. Shen and how frustrating his scolding was. But truthfully, if he was to delve deep beneath his heart's desires, he would miss Mr. Shen's overpowering voice each time he arrived late, or when he slept during homeroom, or when he was messing around during morning exercise with his friends, or when he skipped fourth period to get food with Zhang Yongyin, or when he dressed lousily to school.

Although he once expressed how stifling school was for him, perhaps he would yearn to relive those frustrating moments in five years.

...

Just as they were about to leave, Mr. Shen said, "It seems putting the student president next to you helped. And you were all complaining about it at first."

Gu Xiao scratched his neck. "...Yeah..."

The pair of father and son exited the office in silence.

They both wanted to say something to each other. There were too many thoughts in their heads, yet there was nothing.

"... I'll go back to work now," his father said.

His back was still huddled, as though he was trying to prevent his front from being exposed.

Maybe it was due to being constantly chased and attacked by the debt collectors or simply bad posture.

But there was a time when he stood with his back straight, and instead of that unsure and solemn smile, there was a time when it glowed. Yet, with time, nothing stays the same.

"Um..." his father's lips separated but closed. After a brief silence, he spoke quietly, "I'm sorry... You...will make an excellent instructor... and whatever you choose to do in the future, I will support you even though it might not mean much coming from me now... um... I'll get going now."

His father turned around and walked down the corridor as Gu Xiao watched the tall, slouched man in the worn-out black leather jacket.

There were small rips near the bottom, though it wasn't that noticeable if it were the eyes of a passing stranger.

He never knew how much hair his father had lost, and the ones that still hung on his head had grown all white. The words he held on to for a lifetime were all stored in his white hairs.

"Dad," Gu Xiao called.

Their father halted and slowly turned around with the same drooped brows and tired face.

"You should bring that person you're seeing over next time."

Gu Xiao couldn't tell what sort of face their father currently wore since he stood too far away. He wanted to reach out to that hunched back, but he was only drifting further and further away, leaving him to just keep his hands by his side.