Questions of Bond Pt. 2

"Mattie, baby, look at me," she told me softly. I did. The look in her eye made my heart ache in past loneliness, and it made it pound a bit harder at the thought of some kind of permanency. "You're not going to lose me. I don't know how to make you believe that I'm not going anywhere than to prove it to you. We all have dark sides to our past, baby. Everyone is running from something."

"Mykel said the same thing," I said allowing myself a small smile. I looked at her then, closely, and saw dark memories behind her eyes. "What are you running from, Liz?"

Liz's eyes filled, unwillingly if the look on her face said anything about the tears. Liz is not generally an overly emotional person. That's not to say she's cold and unfeeling. But unlike me, especially then, is not controlled by them.

"I need another blunt if we're going to do this sharing thing, okay?" she said. I nodded and watched her. She concentrated hard on breaking open the tobacco leaf, emptying its contents, carefully placing the ground-up flower in the leaf, and delicately rolled it up. Her face was of pure concentration, but I knew that the mechanics of blunt rolling wasn't what had her stymied.

She lit it and took several, large hits from the end before passing it. She hit it with ease from years of long practice. Her lungs knew exactly what they were doing. Me, I was a novice in the art of pot-smoking in general, from any device; consequently, I was a coughing mess most of the time.

"When I was nineteen, the summer before my sophomore year of college, I was coming home from a club. Not a big drinker, even before this, I'd much prefer this." She held up the blunt she'd just hit, exhaled, and hit it again.

She stared at the cherry, watched the smoke rise in twirling strands of burning herbs.

"The guy I was with...well, we were friends. Had been for, god, years. Well, that night I decided to have some drinks. I had too many. When he took me home he raped me on my living room floor. I lived in a small apartment not far from campus. Our brother Taylor...he, uh...came in right as he...finished. He hadn't heard from me when I said I was gonna call him and something told him to check on me. He pulled him off of me and almost beat him to death right there. Well, anyway, I got pregnant from it. I had planned on keeping it. Her. It wasn't the baby's fault. And I didn't make the decision to keep her out of some pro-life bullshit, that was just my choice.

"Well." She took another hit and wiped her eyes. I had a fair idea of what was coming since I had been here almost two weeks now and I hadn't seen any children or any evidence thereof.

"Taylor made himself my personal bodyguard. He moved in and finished his senior year of high school online so he could live with me. I was five months through the pregnancy and I miscarried. I, uh...I can't ever have children. He...damaged my insides too badly during...that I...won't ever be able to carry long term. I'll always lose it."

I was silent for a long while, not needing words. Not having words to say either way. I just pulled her to me as she had so often done to me in the past several years.

She wept lightly in my arms; the grief of that loss never fading.

We smoked another blunt to settle razzled nerves after she sat back up, finally composed. She smiled at me, her eyes still slightly shining.

"You hungry?" she asked with a faux pas smile on her face. "I'm gonna go make some lunch. Come keep me company." She stood grabbing her box on the way.

"Liz," I said as I reached out, snagging her free hand as she tried to rush past me. She looked at me like she was breaking and she just wanted to forget. I drew her into a hug, long and sensual, and conveying so many things unspoken.

That night Mykel came home with a smile on his face. His eyes shined brightly. And then he smiled at me, a different smile. His face lit up a different way. His eyes shined a bit brighter at that moment.

I smiled at him, slow and shy. I felt my face beginning to redden. I broke eye contact before my smile slid away.

He'll never accept you. You're nothing but a beaten whore.

"You look happy," Liz said smiling. She ran her fingers through my hair and sent me a small smile as she passed me.

"Yes!" Mykel exclaimed excitedly. "Space was great. Perfect size. I signed all the contracts and everything's in order. I can begin moving in as soon as everything is cleared out."

Mykel danced on the balls of his feet, his smile splitting his beautiful features. Liz hugged him, jumping up to reach his neck. He caught her, spinning around.

He set her down laughing. "You know, if you didn't wiggle around like a psycho, the odds of my dropping you reduce significantly."

She slapped his shoulder, Liz does not like being picked up.

"Jerk. If you wouldn't pick me up, I wouldn't have to worry about being dropped."

I chuckled at them and wondered again what it would be like if circumstances had been different with my sister and me. Would we have grown up close? Stuck up for each other to the schoolyard bullies. Would we be close now? Would I know if she was even alive?

"Let's celebrate!"

Liz looked between us. "Those are dangerous words, little brother." She smiled. "You remember the last time you said those words?"

My eyes bounced between them, a small smile creeping up on my face at the look that crossed Mykel's. I hugged a couch pillow to my chest, trying to keep the melancholy leaden anxiety from overcoming me.

"Oh, god, Liz, don't remind me of that night." Mykel covered his face with his hand and laughed, then he glanced over at me. There was a flicker of emotion in his eyes, he blinked and it was gone as if it were never there at all.

"My twenty-first birthday her and Kaiden..." He paused then and even Liz's smile wavered. "They took me to my first gay bar and got me absolutely hammered. There was a drag queen show going on that night and Kaiden..." He paused again at that name. The sadness in his voice at the mention of that name made me ache and long to take away his pain.

"He talked to one of the queens and she pulled me on stage and had my drunk ass up there singing 'Its Raining Men'."

We all laughed. Me from the vision of the night in reference, them to the memory.

"Maybe we should be a little bit...lower in key this time, whatcha think?" Liz said. "I'm too old for that shit now."

Mykel laughed. "That's what you said back then."

"And it's no less true now!" she said, her eyes wide. Liz laughed before she sat back on the couch, her back against part of my shoulder and chest as she leaned into me. "I'm not sure if little Mattie here is up for that kinda excitement."

I glared at her. "Excuse me...'little Mattie'?"

She giggled and kissed my cheek. "You're so tiny. You're even smaller than I am."

However true that might have been wasn't the point. My lack of stature notwithstanding, I didn't like it to be pointed out in such ways. They both just laughed.

"I was thinking more like you run to the store while I take a shower and get some Jose and some margarita mix and we have a few drinks here. Still got that primo rolled up in your box?" Mykel said as he stretched standing from the couch.

Liz smirked. "Don't I always? Yeah, I suppose I could do that for you. I guess I'll be back then." She turned her head, moving back slightly to get a better look at me. "You riding with?"

Mykel seemed interested in this question as well. He hovered a few feet away trying not to look like he was really paying attention.

I shook my head. "No." I tried not to make eye contact with Mykel as I answered. "S-stores make me nervous."

Liz nodded and kissed my cheek. "Okay, love. I'll be back then, boys."

I smiled at Liz, telling her to be safe, all the while watching Mykel's face. He was frowning, just slightly. He looked hurt and confused.

I smiled worriedly at him, meeting those eyes. He looked down and I saw him swallow heavily.

"Well, I'm gonna go shower. I'll, uh...I'll be right back."

He walked away without waiting for a response. I watched him go upstairs, my eyes following him. I sighed.

What was this...thing...this...this spark that seemed to ignite within me? I hugged the pillow closer to my chest and rested my chin on it. I closed my eyes. Why did it affect me so much that he looked so sad? Why have I, these last few nights wanted him to sleep next to me, to hold me?

I'm always so cold. All the time, always cold. It is like my body refuses to hold its own heat, and I needed a heat source for survival like I needed food for energy. I thought of that night when I asked him not to leave me and he had stayed. He had held me; I felt so warm. I felt safe.

That day he helped me through the shower and I allowed the moment to escape me and I kissed him; I panicked. I panicked because I had never done anything like that before. I am not nor ever was an impulsive person. But I have to admit I loved the way his lips felt against my skin, and impulse took over.

He had deepened the kiss, pulling me closer to him. He pulled away and smiled. When he left to go get dressed everything went to shit.

My thoughts took over. My fears and worries and anxieties heightened and amplified. I began immediately to pull back away from him. Not letting him touch me. Not letting him get too close.

I knew he was hurt by the sudden behavioral reversal. Especially when it seemed that Liz and I were growing all the closer as whatever progress he and I had made toward anything more than awkward passing was a fool's dream.

What I had told Liz was true. I was scared of losing them. I was terrified of falling in love with him because I knew, even then, how easy that would be. But what if it turned out he didn't love me like he thought. What if he left me? What if I wasn't good enough? What if I didn't make him happy? What if he realized that he'd be better off without me?

The thoughts ran through my mind in chaotic circles. Why did I have to be so damned scared? Why did I have to be such a coward? My heart pounded.

Would it be so bad? Allowing myself to become that vulnerable. It could be. There was still so much standing in my way. In our way. I sighed just as he came into the room. He looked at me with a question in his eyes. He wanted to ask, but he said nothing.

Then he stopped and turned toward me, that sad look still in his eyes. "You want something to drink?"

I looked at him then and he smiled. His look changed when I smiled back and I felt the heat rising up to my cheeks.