CHAPTER TEN

My new life unfolded in a quiet stability. Weeks went by where my love for my new family grew, but the relationship between my husband and I remained distant.

I was out of bed that morning a little bit earlier than usual. That was the first day I’d woken up while Arnav was still asleep. The night had been exhausting. I was feeling very lonely, helpless even, most of the night. I felt claustrophobic, and sleep just refused to come. My period started that morning. Maybe that was the source of all this anxiety. Hormones. The alarm on Arnav’s phone rang. As he opened his eyes he rolled over, slapping the screen of his phone, silencing the tinkling sound. The moment he saw that the other side of the bed was vacant, he sat up and looked around the room. His face grew alarmed at once. As if he’d been considering that someone might have kidnapped me. His eyes landed on me standing at the cupboard. More than half of my body hidden by the doors of the wardrobe.

“Kriti ji, there you are…I thought…” he shook his head as though clearing away a bad dream. “It’s so early, why are you up already?”

I replied plainly avoiding his face, “yes, Arnav ji,” I was glancing through the wide range of traditional Indian clothes, my wardrobe was filled with. I was searching for something comfortable, “I just wasn't feeling sleepy.”

His face immediately grew concerned. “Why? Is everything okay?”

I nodded, and then attempted to change the subject. I just didn’t feel like talking about myself today. “Should I lay out your clothes?”

Arnav just shook his head. “No, I’ll do it.”

I sifted through the pieces on hangers, suddenly wanting to do something kind for him. “No really, I’d like to do it.”

He shrugged. “Okay then, as you like.”

I dug through the cupboard, more in an effort to avoid him than anything, until I found an outfit that I knew would throw his lightly tanned olive skin into drool-worthy contrast. I had always liked him in his formals. The shirt I chose was the one he’d worn at my house. That plain, light blue material hugging his muscled chest and his black jeans showing off his butt. His body was similar to that of a Greek God. I had seen women staring at him, smitten by his personality. “This blue shirt, with the black jeans. Is that okay?”

“Yeah…perfect,” he said with a mixture in his voice of his previous unease and casual disinterest. “And, Kriti ji, that striped tie, too.”

I nodded, and just laid the clothes at the foot of the bed. He looked innocent, his hair ruffled, but he seemed grown up at the same time, his grey t-shirt skimming over his biceps, and his lower half covered by the blanket. He smiled. “Thanks.”

“It's okay. Arnav ji, do you mind if I go first and get ready? It won't take much time. I’ll be quick.”

“Yeah. No problem.” Those hypnotic eyes of his concealed a piercing intelligence. He never missed a thing. “Kriti ji, are you sure that everything's okay?”

I again turned toward him and this time replied with a fake smile plastered on my face, “yes, it's all fine. I'm okay, good actually.”

“Okay,” he said, unconcealed skepticism on his face. “That’s good.”

I quickly got ready for the day, shimmying into a pink and sky blue colored salwar suit. By the time I got downstairs, Shreya and Gunjan were on their way out the door heading to school.

I tried to get my mind off my dark mood. My cramps had made everything even more difficult. I barely ate anything all day. Arnav had been worried, and before leaving that big mansion of a house, he came back upstairs, “Kriti ji, what’s wrong?”

I hid all my insecurities, “yes, Arnav ji, I told you, everything’s fine.”

“It doesn’t seem like that.”

I managed to look into his eyes and lie, “trust me. It’s all good.”

He nodded, “I do. I will have to leave now, call me if you need anything.”

I assured, “I will. Bye.” His presence, which I had begun to crave, had suddenly became a source of uneasiness.

He smiled but his own gloom wasn’t hidden. He blinked as he kept his hand on my head. “Bye.”

I took my diary out from my wardrobe and flipped through the pages. I stared at it blankly. I took a pen from Arnav’s desk and sat down on the bed stretching my legs out in front of me. I tried to dump all of my feelings on to those pages.

He's so caring, so good, so mature but my mind wanders. My heart wants something else. Something, which can never be mine. Something, which I should not wish for. Something that I can’t decide on. This wish, I think, will always remain there at the edge of my consciousness. Never diminishing, never growing, just constantly reminding me that I am unfulfilled. That I am missing something integral to my soul. I had never thought that I would get to this point again. I can’t let these emotions haunt me again.

I forgot myself while forgetting you,

I became a stranger to myself while trying to understand you,

I forgot how to live while living for you,

I forgot my ways while trying to walk with you.

My heart is yours,

My breath is yours,

My life has always been yours,

However, I am not yours.

‘Mera sab kuch tera ho gaya... par ek mai hi tujhse begaani ho gayi.’

I reread the words, and a tear slid down my face and dropped onto that very page. I wiped it away from the diary. In the next moment, my phone rang. I took a breath, then another, and steeled myself against the emotion that had driven me to write in the first place. “Hello!” I answered in the most normal voice I could muster.

Arnav’s smooth, deep voice answered “hello, Kriti ji, how are you feeling?”

“Oh! Yes, I’m fine now,” I said.

“Good.” He actually sounded like he was happy. Like me being ok had made him happy. “So do you think you can do me a favor? I've got to run an errand, and I need your help. Can you be ready in an hour?”

“Where are we going?” I was already skeptical about this beatific behavior.

“Shopping. Actually, I need to buy a few shirts. Will you please help me?”

I didn’t want to go anywhere, but this was the first time Arnav had ever asked me for any kind of help. He hadn’t even teased me either. Not once the whole day. So I decided to humor him, and agreed to the mission.

“Yeah, okay, I’ll get ready.”

I could hear the smile in his voice.

“Then call me when you’re ready to go.”

I was ready to hang up and drag myself out of bed when something clicked my mind “Wait, wait, wait…you called me while you’re at work. How come?”

I was a little confused but I felt kind of privileged. Did he actually care so much for me? Before I could feel a shower of affection for him he broke my line of thoughts taunting, “don't waste my time with useless nonsense. Bye.” He hung up the call before I could respond.

It reminded me of our first phone call. I was again irritated at him. However, Arnav’s proposed shopping trip wasn’t that bad. I loved shopping and whenever I’ve had a terrible day shopping was my coping mechanism. It is the perfect distraction.

Glancing at the clock I saw that it was approaching 4:30. Maybe it was because of hunger, maybe just a side effect of the gripping depression that held my heart in a vice, but my head was beginning to throb. With every passing moment, the headache grew worse, but I decided to focus on the promise of the mall and I went to get ready.