Chapter 4

My nephew eyes me as if he's seen a ghost, Sherry only nods. I follow the boy outside, turn to the right, where a conservatory has been added to the house. The side door is open, so that's where my steps lead me, and it's with a hammering heart that I peek inside.

This isn't a conservatory, though, it's the damn dance studio. The back wall is lined with mirrors, a barre running the length of it, some 120 cm from the floor. The sight of it tingles my fingers, my toes, and I ache for touching it, using it. I'm distracted from the rest; the world ceases to exist as I picture myself there, doing battements and pli‚s, demi-pointes and tendus, ronds-de-jambe and d‚gag‚s. It's only the sound of muffled sobs that breaks me from this trance, and my eyes fall on the boy's figure, where he stands to one corner, back to the picture window and the side door. Guilt washes over me anew, but I don't really know how to deal with this - another man crying. JunJie would, though, it was he who came forward the rare times I broke down like this.

Bringing my nephew's actions to mind, I find them to be inappropriate, given the current circumstances. Can't go round hugging other people like that - especially since I don't know him, he's not a friend, nor family. It'd be awkward for both. But a part of me wishes I could bring myself to do it. A sudden warmth takes over my chest, don't know where it comes from. His face is hidden behind a pair of pale-skinned hands, and his shoulders shake softly.

My steps propel me towards him, and I find my hand reaching for his back, patting it gently. He stiffens, I retreat, some people don't deal well with this. I myself don't really like being touched by strangers.

"Are you okay?" I ask, and my voice sounds foreign.

He keeps his back turned, sniffles, takes a couple of long, loud breaths. Trying to bring himself back into some measure of self-control, I guess. All he does is nod, though, don't think he's calm enough to talk.

"Wang YanJai," I continue, unable to keep silent. I was never very good at it, except around people I feel comfortable with. And this boy makes me very, very uncomfortable. I wonder why. "Are you sure you want to do this? Rent the house, I mean." Especially for such a bargain.

He sniffles again, turns round, corners of his eyes red-rimmed. Face's dry, though, he's wiped those tears away and even manages a semblance of a smile.

A cute, sweet smile.

Did I just associate cute and sweet to another man? Don't know what's gotten into me, that horse fall must have done something to my head. Should get it checked; a CAT-scan, I think. Yeah, gonna ask the neurologist for one, because I'm just not thinking well.

"Call me Jai, please," he replies. His voice is youthful, but deeper than I expected when I first laid eyes on him, it's warm, too. A bit shaky, now. He doesn't say Jai, like we do in Chinese, but rather Jay, like in English. "Yes, I want to rent this place, I really have to. Can't stay here."

"If you're sure, then I'd like to take it."

His eyes widen, as does the smile. I grin back. "That's... that's great, thanks. I'll get everything ready for you to move in... when do you want to move in?"

I laugh. "Not for a while, don't worry. Take your time. October all right for you?"

I have medical appointments for the upcoming weeks, and some power struggles with the network I'd love to have resolved before I leave. Actually, if those issues are sorted, I won't have to leave. Though I think I should, for a while, at least. My eyes take in the studio, and I nod, it's actually pretty good. The mirror wall and the barre really make me want to take off these trainers and do a few pli‚s, a few leaps. My doctor would kill me for it.

"Sure, October will be fine. Enough time to find a flat and put away Allen's stuff. Clear that office, the bedroom..."

"No rush," I reassure him. "Especially the office, I won't use it. If it's something you can't yet deal with, leave it, doesn't bother me. I won't even go in there."

He laughs, a lopsided grin that's far from cute. It is a bit sensual, though, and I don't know - for the life of me - where that thought came from. "You'll have to, if you want to use this studio."

"Oh?"

Walking to the opposite corner, Jai opens a hidden door. "Only way in is from the office, there's a door next to one of the shelves behind Allen's desk. Of course there's that door," he points to where we both came in from, "but when it's pelting with rain, you really won't want to take the longer route."

"Why is there a dance studio in the house?" I ask, curiosity has had me in tenterhooks for a while. "Did your husband dance?" I'm so uncomfortable referring to the deceased as this boy's husband, I mean, the age gap alone is... appalling.

"No, he had it done for me. I used to dance, then stopped for a while, when Mum got sick. Allen had the conservatory turned into a dance studio so I could get some practice, he thought it might help take my mind off things."

"Did it?" He nods, smiling again. Does smile a lot, this boy. "Must have loved you very much, to do something like this."

The smile dwindles, he faces away, towards the garden, greenery sparkling under the sun. Doesn't confirm nor deny, so I'm guessing there must have been trouble in paradise. Maybe such a grand gesture came with a high price.

"How old are you, Jai?"

"Twenty-one. Close to twenty-two." He plays with the loose threads on his jeans.

I want to go over and slap his hand, just so he stops. "Those have seen better days," I say, chin pointed towards the ripped garment.

He eyes me, a blush covering cheeks that rise with the curve of his smile. "Yeah, should just bin them. But I love these jeans, you know." His voice drops, like he's talking to himself. "Make me feel like I'm my own person. Allen would never have let me wear something like this."

Wouldn't have let him? Now, that's fucked up. Abusive and controlling, I'd say. Why would he allow the other man to have a say in what he does or doesn't wear? Did the husband also tell him what kind of music to listen to, what books to read, where to go, who to befriend, what to do, who to be? Who puts up with that? I study him, he's tall and lean, but looks fragile, vulnerable. Not weak, at least not physically, but there's an emotional vulnerability to him that makes him perfect prey for certain types of predator. When I first thought there was more to it than what was apparent, I wasn't wrong - there was something rather fucked up about this marriage. I'd bet my career on that.

Twenty-one. He's so young. How old was he when he got married? Narrowing my eyes, I try to add the numbers in my head, Sherry mentioned they'd been married for what, two years? Nineteen? He got married at nineteen? Who the hell does that? And why am I bothered by this? It's none of my freaking business.

"I was eighteen," he says, and our eyes meet. No more smiles, now, his face is serious. It's like he read the thoughts right out of my head. "When Allen and I got married. He passed away weeks after our third anniversary. Skiing accident in Italy, we'd taken the trip to celebrate the date."

Shit. Bit fucked up, huh? Couple goes away to celebrate wedding anniversary and on their return, one's a widower, the other a corpse. Shit. No wonder he's so emotional about this. I shouldn't have asked.

"I'm sorry."

He shrugs, blinks repeatedly. "Never mind. So, you're serious about renting the place? That takes a massive weight off my shoulders. Shouldn't we head back, then? You can sort the details with Sherry, I don't really deal with stuff like that. She tell you the rental price? Are you okay with it?"

I can't help laughing, he's asking too little for the kind of house he has here. I couldn't see anything wrong with the place, but I'm not my brother, who must have been a contractor in another life, I think. Still, if there were issues, Sherry would know and JunJie too, they'd never have suggested this place.

"I'm okay with it."

Jai reaches a hand, which I take and shake, and his face breaks into a luminous smile. "Guess I'll see you in October, then!"

I guess so. Guess I'll be seeing him in October.

I realise I don't really mind that.

-End of part one