Chapter 7

Maybe I should have offered him some food. Not that I could, seeing the only thing I have is milk and apples. Tea's fine, I guess. What should I choose? He's young and hip, maybe green tea?

"Do you like mint?"

He nods, keeps his eyes on me as I move around the kitchen. I bring a couple of mugs to the counter and notice how his expression suddenly changes. The sadness is back in those dark pupils, now flavoured with something I can't quite name - bitterness? Something I did, or said?

"You okay?" I ask, and shove a mug his way, while keeping the other near me. I check the teapot, reckon the tea's ready.

"Don't use that," Jai says, voice tiny and lost. "It was Allen's."

Oh. I see. I move to get another one, but my elbow collides with the offending mug; it slides off the counter and shatters on the kitchen floor. Breaking into shards. Fuck, this was all I needed. Like a slow motion film, I raise my head to lock eyes with Jai, expecting to see the familiar brimming of tears, or a cold stare. What I do get is surprise, followed by what looks a lot like relief, peppered with slight consternation.

"Damn," I mutter, and hunker down, gathering the shards in my hands. "I'm so sorry."

A pair of long-fingered hands drape over mine, I break out in goosebumps, followed by a not unpleasant shiver down my spine. Jai pries the broken pieces from my hold, straightens up, opens the bin and throws the lot in. I'm still where he left me, mouth ajar. Can he actually be happy the mug that belonged to his husband is gone? Maybe this is closure of sorts, for him. Maybe their marriage wasn't all that good. The way he sometimes talks about the deceased makes him sound like a controlling man. And that age gap, I just can't get over it.

"Jai, I'm so sorry," I insist, and when he turns to face me, that bright smile is back on his face. I exhale relief and pour the tea, reach for another mug.

"It's okay, it's not like Allen will be needing his mug anymore, is it?"

Letting out a cackle, I sip the tea, it's bitter, I've left it for too long. "Want some sugar? Think there's honey somewhere."

"I'm all right. So, how are you settling in, is the house to your liking?"

"It's very quiet, here, very relaxing. Some days it's a bit too quiet, I think. I'm more of an urban man, used to the bustle of big cities. But I need this peace, for now."

He avoids my eyes, bites his lip, as if uncomfortable with my words or the route the conversation's taking. Must know all about it by now; I mean, it was all over social media, for weeks on end. How the network claims I was always either drunk or drugged when filming, how I fell from the horse because I'd been drinking, how I was careless and unreliable. Pack of lies, the whole thing. Could have made them swallow those lies, if YuMing had let me stay. But that's why he wanted me out of China, so I wouldn't lose my head and fuck up things even more than what I did three weeks ago. When I did get drunk and did abuse the painkillers, ending up in the ER, my stomach being pumped. Ah, they had a field day at that, didn't they?

"I wasn't very serious about dancing," Jai says, and I'm startled back to reality. "That's why I gave it up after Mum passed away."

"So you did give it up."

He grins, and it's the kind of smile that is contagious. "Allen didn't think I was good enough to make a career out of it, anyway. He had the conservatory turned into a dance studio so I could practise and enjoy whenever I wanted to, but not in a professional way, you know?"

And what did Allen know? A cardiologist, what did he know about dance? "But you did study ballet?"

"For seven years, yes."

"Do you still dance?"

"When I go clubbing, yeah."

I smirk. "Don't mean that. Did you still use the studio, after your husband passed away?"

He nods and finishes the tea, I pour him more. "Yeah, I did. Was so rusty, though."

"Do you miss it?"

"Do you? Miss dancing, I mean. Have you used the studio, yet? Or have your doctors said you can't?"

My smile falters, I'm the one looking away, now. Was told I shouldn't get back into dancing, not for a while, at least, but fuck, I'm thirty-two-years-old. If I stop for any length of time, my career is over for good. I've already been replaced for the December performances of The Nutcracker with the company I'm a guest dancer at. If I'm not back in shape by the Lunar New Year, might as well give it all up. I won't be offered lead in any of the Spring season ballets, will I? And that's one promise I've made, that I'm dancing on opening night come April. My career will not end like this.

"I haven't yet. But plan to, very soon. Been going for jogs every day, to build up resistance, and from next week, I plan on getting on the studio and practising."

"Sounds like a plan."

"Want to join me?"

Now, why the hell did I say that? Have I lost my mind or something? Because this is so unlike me, I can't even recognise myself. I don't warm up to people like this, I'm not chummy or open, I'm aloof, sometimes downright arrogant. And a bit of a loner. Trust issues asside, I don't make friends easily; I don't allow anyone near me, let alone in. But maybe I've been craving human company other than my nephew, who barely has time to put up with his uncle, truth be said. He's so focused on his studies and that girlfriend of his, I've hardly seen him at all. Went out to dinner with the two last Friday, it was akin to hell. Don't think I've ever felt so much of a third wheel in my life before.

"Join you?"

"Yeah, I hate doing barre alone." Why am I still insisting, what's he going to think? "And I could do with someone who knows dancing. You could help me spot any issues."

"I'm nowhere near your level."

This kid has got to have the world's lowest self-esteem, Of course he's nowhere near my level, I'm a professional ballet dancer who's been doing it for years. And this just made me feel old.

"Were you bullied, at school?" I ask, and now I can see myself - rude, arrogant prick that I am.

Jai raises his eyes to meet mine, there's a self-deprecating half smile on his lips. "You mean, because I'm gay? Yeah, a little."

I can feel my face redden, and my heart rate accelerating at his open admittance. That he's gay. What was I expecting, he did marry another bloke, didn't he? Of course he's gay. It's not like I'm bothered by it, it's not like I'm a bigot or something. But the truth is, you don't openly admit to being gay in China, not in my line of business, at least. So yeah, think it shakes me up a bit to hear someone say it this frankly. But that's Jai, never a moment when he's not genuine, is there?

"You have lousy self-esteem," I tell him, and he laughs.

His phone buzzes, he fishes it from his pocket and reads whatever message he just got. "I do. But this isn't even a question of self-esteem, it's a fact. I suck, if compared to you." The phone buzzes again, and he studies the screen once more.

It's starting to get on my nerves. That he's distracted by something else. "We're not comparing ourselves, Jai, your path's been very different from mine. Look, it was just a stupid proposition, you don't have to say yes." Proposition. Shit, am I propositioning him? I can't help sniggering, and soon I'm cackling, with him joining me. "Guess I'm just feeling a bit lonely, you know? It's not like I know a lot of people around here, and though I came to the UK to be out of the spotlight and have more privacy, I never thought I'd be this... well, lonesome, I guess."

"I might take you up on that proposition, then. Are you thinking mornings, afternoons?"

I shrug, wasn't even thinking, and it's not like I can do it, not with that bloody mobile buzzing repeatedly. A sudden thought springs to mind, and puts a lump in my stomach.

"Aren't you going to answer that? Boyfriend seems to be getting frantic, you know?"

Jai cocks an eyebrow, slides the screen of his mobile. "Don't have one. It's Sherry, wants to know if I'm up for lunch."

Relief travels through me, and I can't figure out why. But the smile that had left my lips is back, and twice as large. "Well, go on, then, don't leave the girl waiting. Be prepared to be a third wheel, though, they won't shy from making you feel like you're invading their space."

"Don't I know that. They're terrible, aren't they? When they're together. It's like the rest of the world doesn't exist. But JunJie's still at Uni, it'll be only Sher and me. Want to tag along?"

"Nah, I'm all right, thanks. Drop by next week and we can get some practise. And when you want to sort that office out, feel free to come over, Jai." Well, am I not accommodating? Such a nice bloke, I am. I reach for my phone, call his number. It doesn't buzz, now, it rings, a song I'm somewhat familiar with but fail to recognise. Jai stares at the screen with a silly look on his face, one that puts a smile on my lips. "That's my number. If you need to call me."

It's official, I've lost my fucking head. Wonder what the hell I'm playing at.

He blushes, though, and I want to say he looks adorable, but it's an adjective I don't associate with men. Still, my stomach churns and cartwheels at the grin on his face, it's like I just gave him a winning lottery ticket.

"Thanks. I'll drop by next week, then, and we can take it from there."

He blushes again, and I wonder what he means by that. Take it from there. Take what? And from where? I watch as he dons on the coat, pulling the hood up, hiding the sleek, black hair that comes down to brush the skin of his neck, like dark clouds kissing snow-topped mountains. His skin is really very fair. With a shy wave, he leaves, and the house feels suddenly cold and lonely. I look around in search of something to do, it's lunchtime and all I have is apples. I wash one and take a bite, its flesh white, hard and juicy, bringing Jai back to my mind - though I have no idea why. Maybe because he's so white. I don't even want to ponder on the hard and juicy part, my neck blazing just from the thoughts threatening to spring to mind.