Chapter 10

He laughs. "Oh yeah, everything fine. It was my brother, he's also my agent. Letting me know I've been invited to guest judge on the same talent show I won, years ago."

"The UK one?" He may have won other talent shows for all I know, back in China, but I'm hoping against hope that's not the case. It would mean him going back to China, and for whatever reason I can't even begin to understand, I don't want that.

"Yeah. I'm supposed to guest judge for the semi-finals, they're filming it in November."

"Oh." The fuck do I sound so disappointed about? I should be congratulating him, not sounding like the world's biggest sore loser. "Congratulations, that's great. When in November, do you know?"

"First week, should wrap up by the eight, ninth, according to my brother. He'll send the details later, it's like two am in Beijing now. But he was so excited he wanted to let me know straight away."

He can't keep the smile off his face, and now I'm smiling again. "Oh cool, you'll be here on the tenth," I rush to say, and instantly repent it.

"Why's that?"

I can't believe myself. Blushing, I face away, watching the rain wash over the glass panels. "It's my birthday," I finally manage to say, and sneak a look his way. "I'm hosting a dinner for some friends back at my place, and was going to ask if you'd like to join us?"

He gives me the oddest stare, drags hair off his forehead, shakes his head, and my heart drops. Not just my heart, my lungs, my stomach, my gut. "I'll just be crowding you and your friends."

"When I say friends I mean JunJie and Sherry, it's not like I have any others," I rush to say. Truth is I didn't have any plans for my birthday, not so soon after Allen's death, but my big mouth ran away from me before I could plug it. "It'll be like playing third wheel all night, just me and the two of them. If there's someone else at the table, at least I can have a proper conversation," I joke.

He smirks. "Those two are really impossible, they live in a world of their own, shutting everyone else off. You know what drives me mad? When they start trying to make each other jealous."

"I know, it's so annoying, innit? Ugh, all those innuendos, and that constant word play, like it's one huge private joke and everyone else is left out of it. I always feel like I'm cramping their style."

"I feel like I have to apologise for having invaded their privacy."

We laugh, and I change back from ballet shoes to trainers, while he watches me attentively. "Does that mean I can count on you to keep me afloat?"

"Sure, if I'm back from London, it'll be my pleasure. Now, tell me, how did I do?"

I frown, lost for a second, until realising he's referring to his dancing. "Shit, you're so good." I reach for my coat, eye the falling rain, it's so unappealing going out in this weather. "But it looked like you were holding back on the adagio. And the jetes, too, your right leg wasn't elevated enough. I noticed you doing the same during the battements, you're keeping your right leg less elevated than your left, like you're nursing it?"

He looks down, stares at his feet. Hasn't stopped doing little tendus since we moved to the chairs, toes pointed and feet perfectly arched. It's mesmerising just to watch, the way his calf muscle hardens when he does that. I just want to run my hands across it to see if it feels like stone. Smooth, cool stone, like a piece of jade.

"Thanks. I had a lower back lesion from falling off a horse, and a problem with my adductor a few years ago. It still feels tender, at times."

"It's because you're not doing your battements right, you're curving the back wrong to prevent pain. But it's only causing more strain."

He smiles again. "How do you know that?"

All I do is shrug, feeling rather conspicuous. "I took an interest to these things, in university. Maybe I should get going, it's running late."

Lin DaoShi opens the door to the office, gestures me to follow. "It's pouring, out there, at least wait until the rain stops. Come on, I'll brew us a tea. So, you're in university, like xiao Jie?"

Xiao Jie? He calls him xiao Jie? I'm so going to tease JunJie over this. "No." He turns round to offer one of his questioning gazes, and looks so cute doing it. "I was in university, but after Allen passed away, I dropped out."

"Why would you do that?"

"Hated nursing school."

He plugs in the kettle and stares at me with an expression I find hard to read. "If you hated it, then why the hell would you study it?"

Yeah, that's one good question, innit? For people who had options, I guess, or a calling. I had neither. What I had was someone who believed it would be good for me to go into nursing, so I could work with him.

"Allen thought it'd be a great idea. We could work together, after I graduated. With him gone, I saw no point in it, so just dropped out."

"Is that why you work at a bookstore, now?" He pours the tea, hands me the mug, brings out a can from one of the cabinets. Oh, we have biscuits, now? What an upgrade. I fish one out and nibble at it, chocolate chip, yum, my favourite. "Or did you already work there while at school?"

I shake my head. "Allen didn't want me working part-time, wanted me to fully dedicate myself to studying. Only got that job recently, actually, days before we met."

"Do you like it?"

Do I? I don't mind it, but is it what I want to do for the rest of my life? I have no idea. I love reading, love books - I've even tried writing one, though Allen said it was crap and I shouldn't waste my time with stuff I was clearly not good at - and I like being around people, though I'm not much of a social butterfly. Working at a bookstore for the rest of my life might not be bad, but I feel like I don't even know who I am, at this point. I feel like I'm still trying to find myself. I simply don't know what to do with my life, so for now, I'll settle for this.

"Yeah, it's all right."

"All right is not a passion. What are you passionate about?"

Nothing.

It's sad, and that's the truth, I'm passionate about nothing. Absolutely nothing. I used to love dancing, but it's not for me - I lack the talent. Used to enjoy writing, but again, it's not something I'm very good at. I'm good at helping people find what they want at the bookstore, I'm good at cleaning up, putting away stuff, organising things.

"Do you have to be passionate about something?" I ask, and he looks back at me with shock in those beautiful brown eyes. "I mean, not all of us can be like you, can we? You're obviously very passionate about dancing, and that's a great thing, but I'm not really that much into anything. There's nothing I'm very good at, nothing that really calls to me, I'm just average, know what I mean?"

Lin DaoShi hangs down his head, the soft laughter leaving his lips one of derision. Or is it mockery? I can't tell. "You have one fucked up low self-esteem. Wonder how you came about it."

I blush, heat rising up my neck, covering my face, my entire head. I'm suddenly very ashamed, I feel very humiliated, and don't even know why. It's not low self-esteem when you merely state and accept a fact: I'm not particularly good at anything. That he makes me feel bad about it is what might fuck up whatever confidence I have.

"Jai," he calls, and I immediately lock eyes with him. Fuck, he makes me melt just staring at him. "I'm sorry if I offended you, not my intention. I just think you're a great kid, you know, and you're sure to have talents you don't even know, or weren't allowed to know. I can tell you really like dancing, just from watching you today, there's not many people who put up with my demands, and you never shrunk back. You could have become a good dancer, if you'd persisted. It's a shame you gave up."

Good isn't great, though, is it? Good's average, and I'd never be happy with being just average, where it came to that. "Yeah, I was in a pretty messed up head-space at the time. What with my mother's diagnosis, and everything, my priorities were diverted elsewhere."

"I totally understand." His hand folds over mine, and I'll be damned if my legs don't just give in from under me. "But I'm sure there are other things you enjoy doing, and that you might be quite good at, only you don't know, because you've been doing what others said was right for you. You need to reclaim yourself, you know? Become yourself, not a puppet for someone else's needs."

Is he referring to Allen? There's a coldness in his voice as he speaks of this, one that makes me feel even more embittered than I've lately felt. Yes, he's not wrong, Allen made me into what he wanted me to be. And I went along willingly, because I'm a wuss with no backbone, no personality. I lack character, I lack identity, and most of all, I lack the disposition to stand up for myself and be myself.

Because I have no fucking idea who that man is. I never really feel like I'm a man, do I? No, I always feel like I'm still a little kid, too young to stand up on my own two feet, having to depend on someone else to guide me through life, because I'm just so clueless about it. Allen always made me feel like that, and now Lin DaoShi's doing the same. Saying I'm a great kid, who needs to find himself. Like I'm sixteen again. Well, I'm not, I'm nearly twenty-two, I'm a grownup, a man. Not a child who needs to hold someone else's hand.

But looking at where mine is still folded in his, I wouldn't mind holding that particular hand. Unable to keep it in, I let out a chortle, what am I doing? No matter how many times I repeat to myself that he's straight, he's not into men, I can't help fantasising about him. Especially when he does things like this - touching my hand, asking me over to dance, locking eyes with me and holding that stare for such long, drawn-out, gut-churning, heart-wrenching, soul-burning moments. I honestly want to jump him when he stares at me like that, I want to wrap my arms around him and fucking glue my mouth to his, kiss him until he's out of breath. Like now. He keeps holding my eyes and my hand, and all I want to do is kiss this bloody, stupid man.

Stupid, because he'll never like me back. Not the way I like him, at least.

"I should go," I whisper, and he lets go of my hand the exact same moment I manage to pry my eyes from his stare.

"Will I see you again tomorrow? If you're too sore from today, let me know. Take a warm bath when you get home, to loosen the muscles, all right?"

Too sore from today. Shit, why did my mind instantly go elsewhere? Wish I was that kind of sore because of him, but alas, I need to stop thinking about him along these lines. Lin DaoShi is way out of my league, no matter what. Even if he were gay, I'd still be so far below him he'd never give me the time of day.

"I'll text you if I can't make it. From being too sore, I mean."

Who the fuck am I trying to fool? Even if I have to drag myself, I'm still gonna show up at his doorstep tomorrow. Just for the pleasure of watching him.

Just for the blessing that's being with him.

-End of part two